PTSD-Memory Loss and Flashbacks

In all honesty I feel as though until the age of 15 I was void and nonexistant, a product of the system.
I had a good weekend, the first in 2 1/2 years and now the flashbacks have started again. They are not of my ex- or of my childhood, but they are flashbacks of human kindness that hurt me. I do not know where they are coming from or why they hurt me but they must stop.
I see faces and dream of a life so far away (20 years ago) it makes no sence.
I remember being 11 and going to a free clinic for female issues. Turns out I had several STD's. I remember telling the dr. I was 16 (the magic age) and needed some meds. Well her resonse was she couldn't help me unless I provided my name and address..well couldn't do that so I left after much hassell.I was very tough back then...so I went to the bus stop to go back. Well after all she came down and GAVE me medication to help me.Why? In retrospect I'm sure she could have gotten into trouble.
When I was around 13 (ages are like puzzles for me) I was hitch hiking trying to get home 700 miles away.. and I was picked up by a man. He was built, strong and in military uniform. He was kind. I remember he seemed so old. I was cold and he gave me his jacket like a blanket and I slept in the car for what seemed like hours. He tried to talk to me about school and continuing my education, even offered to take me home with him to help me. I never budged..and he never laid a hand on me!!
I think of a woman who picked me up while I had a bad experience..my jeans covered in blood front and back and took me to an AA meeting..thinking I was a runaway..I tried to explain I was just trying to get home..she didn't believe me. She let me spend the night at her house, shower and washed my clothes to remove the blood. In the morning she cried when I left and she apologized for not being able to do more. Gave me $20 and apoligized because that was all she had.
WTF!!! These memories haunt me...they are the good ones, human kindness, not like the rest.
I want them to stop..although good in nature they hurt me. I am numb to the real abuse so why do these things stick? This is bs!! I'm tired of it.
I JUST WANT PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've ****ing earning it!!

Cottonball,

Has anyone suggested that you make the decision to take another perspective on your positive flashbacks? That perspective being, instead of feeling negative about two people coming to your aid when you needed them -- be thankful they were there.

It's something you will have to remind yourself of, each time those two intrusive thoughts bubble to the surface.

Be thankful, every time. Thank them by name, out loud, if alone; to yourself if you're with people who wouldn't understand.

I hope this helps.

xoxo,
Terri

I do feel very thankful for many things...but with that gratitude comes a great deal of shame and guilt. I just don't understand the memories, childhood blackouts, and strange flashbacks that come and go.
I've started a journel to help me put the peices back together.They come and go..so if I can write them down they won't dissappear and one day they might make sence.
I've had very bad experiences and very good experiences in my life. I just don't understand how they all fit. It's as if my life was split in two. I can say with complete honesty that until by breakdown at the hands of my ex- I had no memories of these experiences. I held on to the good and was in complete denial about the bad.
I guess it's important to hold on to both of them if I'm ever truely going to understand and be happy-truely happy.
I guess humility and gratitude can go hand in hand. I have many things to be thankfull for...

((((CB)))) I can relate. Sometimes when I remember the positive things in my life I feel very sad immediately as I am thinking of them, or right after, as well. It's a default or something. I don't know exactly when it started but I also have memories that come out of the blue (which I didn't or couldn't remember).

My T and I are working on rewiring my thinking so I remain positive and in the moment when I remember the positive things so I don't try to sabotage myself. I think it's part of the Dx to do this actually.

I think we are so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, the type of thinking you described is a protection mechanism, so we don't get hurt again.

After a certain age, it is as if every time something "good" or lovely happened, immediately after something totally horrible would happen and I was traumatized...so I got to the point to where I couldn't even be happy anymore (I was terrified because I started to equate good thing = trauma)

To immediately feel sad or depressed or discouraged after remembering great things is frustrating, I agree. And to feel numb (in shock) by the traumas (I think) means you aren't ready to face them yet (too painful. I have some of those. I have a complete panic just thinking about talking about some things with my T).

But it also makes perfect sense in terms of our brains trying to protect us from any more pain

I hope you feel a little better and will be a bit easier on yourself. It all makes sense really.

(BTW, when something comes up for me (good or not so good), and I get upset (depressed or down), I'm working on asking myself, "What would I tell my best friend...?" I find it is usually MUCH kinder and compassionate than what I tell myself). Maybe this will help a teeny bit.

((((Cotton ball))),

I can relate to what you are saying, I have experienced that as well. And I also can relate to Rose in not knowing how to be happy and sadly in my life also as soon as I WAS happy something tramatic would happen so I began to equate happy as something I was somehow not able to have or a prelude to some kind of punishment.

People always used to say to me RELAX AND JUST BE HAPPY and YOU ARE ALWAYS EXPECTING THE NEXT SHOE TO DROP. But the truth was THAT SHOE DID DROP pretty much every time.

And Rose is right about using yourself as a best friend in a way, I do the same and I reserve a part of myself to remain hopeful, patient, kind, caring and to be my own best understanding friend. I really don't think you can get through PTSD if you don't truely learn how to do that. And that is why I constantly say, "BE KIND TO YOURSELF ALWAYS" "NO MATTER WHAT".

I think the best way to explain what you are going through Cotton is that ANYTHING that was a "SURPRISE" is thrown into the mix with PTSD. Your brain has been tramatized and it is trying to "learn" how to establish "SAFETY" again. That is truely what the human brain is designed to do and it is pretty amazing because it actually provides memory loss or blocks to hide tramas that contain a lot of emotions (that can present harmful chemicals overloading the brain so it cannot funtion well) so that we CAN get through and SURVIVE.

Cotton, you truely have to be patient with your brain right now as IT IS TRYING HARD TO FIND RESOLVE RIGHT NOW. And the main reason why things come forward in little pieces is YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T WANT TO BE HARMED BY ALLOWING TOO MANY OF THE TROUBLING EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES OUT ALL AT ONCE.
That is why the journal is good to keep so you can piece it together. Just keep in mind that the brain is trying to protect itself while it is healing at the same time. It will not let a huge piece come forward if that piece can overwhelm your brain with too much emotion. It trys to monitor the chemicals that come into the brain with the emotional duress. Remember, all emotions HAVE CHEMICALS that the brain uses to register and function and it really struggles if too much come in all at once. And that is often what happens with trama itself and if there is a length of time where many tamas occured the brain will hide some and try to let only pieces out. It is a challenge for your brain to run day to day and problem solve at the same time.
That is why it feels like we are almost fighting ourselves at times. That is also why we desired to isolate too, our brains are doing that so we don't get overwhelmed while working on the PTSD.

I really try to remember this myself. And it is hard work for the brain to find resolve with PTSD. And when something does come forward YES it can take a couple of days to recover from that. And the brain DOES get fatigued and there IS a desire to just want to fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Yes the brain would love to get back to doing that as it is designed to do. And that is why that strong desire is there as well to be able to just sleep it off. And not having any goals right now, well the brain has a hard time with that because it has to settle the trama first and get back to feeling safe again.

So, you have to be patient, are you working with a T? That is so important as a T can help you put in the pieces of resolve you need to help your brain figure out all these confusing pieces and get back to you being able to feel safe again. Yes sometimes it doesn't feel like you do much in therapy, but you really do more than your realize. Having someone who can validate you and help you redirect is very important. We cannot always do this all on our own. And we have to stop feeling guilty about that.

Cotton, I hear you, it sure is tiring and forget explaining it, no one can relate unless they experience it. But Rose is right, you DO have to set aside part of yourself to be your best friend through all of this. Yes, I know it is confusing, me too, but the fact is you have been tramatized and you have not yet gotten back to sorting it all out to where you can develope the capacity to feel safe again. It takes time, your brain is trying and be kind and patient with it.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtfull posts. They are very helpfull and make sence. Sometimes when I post threads I am in a bad place, confused, or feeling lost and overwhelmed. Bad days I guess.
I'm sorry "we" are in this situation but am happy to not feel so alone or "crazy"...
(((Thank you)))

(((Cotton ball)))

I am so glad that you learned that even when you are in a bad place, you can just come and start a thread. Yes, it is hard for all of us in our own ways and it IS a lonely disorder as well. But it IS good to know we are not alone, we all need something that for some reason or another we didn't get long ago. We ALL have that in common and it is nice that we can COMFORT each other and you know me I always remind everyone TO BE KIND AND LOVING TO YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT. That is probably what most if not all of us never learned as well. But we CAN learn that, forgive whatever we didn't have or do in our past and give ourselves permission to learn and grieve and continue to grow. I truely believe that even though it is a difficult journey, we end up being much more wiser and deeper and forgiving in the end.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes