[aiv713]

My brother got hit by a car and died 19 years ago. He was 13 and I was 16. My mother and father were divorced and we lived with my father. My mother has blamed me for his death ever since. It wasn't my fault, I was at school when he got hit by the car. She would call me every day and ask me if he came home yet or where he was. I had separation anxiety from my brother from the time he was born, I don't know why. We were together most all of the time until we started school.

When I got married the emotional abuse from my mother and then my husband continued. I left him!! But still had her in my life trying to run and ruin it all at the same time.

6 years ago I met the most wonderful understanding man in the world. We are engaged. I have since we met had horrible separation anxiety from him. Recently my mother started triggering me again. And when it would happen I would take it out on my fiance'. Yelling, screaming, throwing things, threatening to kill myself. I remember none of this, but he now has the emotional scars.

I just started therapy last week and am starting to get better. I've cut all ties with my mother to the point of having the local PD call her and tell her if she didn't leave me alone the DA would press charges.

My therapist wants me on meds and I've been on so many in the last 19 years and my body really doesn't do well on them. I seem to do better when taking herbal supplements.

I still have a hard time finding positive in things or thinking anything I do is good enough. Does anyone have any tips?

I hate it when I'm told to get over it, just move on with your life.

Thanks for listening and just being here.

[Open Eyes]

(((aiv713))),

Hi aiv, welcome to PC, I am sorry that you had such a big loss at that age. Sixteen year olds have no way of knowing how to deal with that kind of loss or even beginning to understand WHY your mother took on so much anger, and sadly took that out on you.

A situation like that is a real TRAMA for all families and often a mother has a really hard time with that kind of loss. It sure doesn't sound like your mother got the right kind of help as she took out her anger and loss on you. Personally I think that she was running on anger and apathy which often occurs with a huge loss like that.

I can't blame you for struggling with the aftermath and her reaction, and that anger you are expressing at your finace does need to be addressed. And I know that you have just started therapy, and I hope you have a therapist who specializes in PTSD and trama work, you do need to have your fiance visit your therapist so he can understand what you are trying to work through and how HE can help and support you in your recovery work.

What I can tell you that may help you some is that when a parent loses a child often out of tramatic circumstances they feel such a tremendous loss that they CAN take their anger out on the remaining child or children. It is this way because they are trying to distance themselves from LOVING ANYTHING ELSE.

In your situation, you were in great need for you mother to help you with that loss, but she just did not have it to give you and somewhere in her she was angered by that and didn't want to attach to anyone really. A trama like this can have this effect on a parent and often the children depend on the parent to stand tall and strong and fix and guide and love etc. But sadly often parents are so devestated that they cannot do this. And sometimes the parent just shuts EVERYONE out and often can only muster anger and control and otherwise be somewhat dazed and full of APATHY.
An APATHY FOR NOT ONLY OTHERS BUT ALSO THEMSELVES and LIFE IN GENERAL.

Truth be told, YOUR MOTHER NEEDS SERIOUS THERAPY HERSELF. And you are wise to distance from her because YOU CANNOT FIX HER and SHE CANNOT BE AN APPROPRIATE MOTHER TO YOU UNTIL SHE GETS A LOT OF THERAPY. And NONE of HER issues are in ANY WAY YOUR FAULT.

PLEASE, be patient and kind to yourself, you have to resolve all of these emotions and confusions in therapy. Do not self blame, and make sure you get your fiance in to see your therapist so he understands you better and HOW HE CAN SUPPORT YOU.
Your finance cannot FIX you, YOU HAVE TO FIX YOU. You are lucky to have a nice man in your life and YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE TO MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR LIFE.
This is going to take you time to work through and it WILL get emotional at times and YOU DO HAVE SOME ANGER TO LET OUT. But in time you will improve through therapy and in that time it is VERY IMPORTANT to be patient and KIND to YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT.

Welcome to PC, we are here to support you and listen as well. None of us are therapists, but we are struggling through PTSD as well and are more than willing to listen and help you in what ever way we can.

((((((Hugs))))))))

Open Eyes

[aiv713]

Open Eyes, thank you so much. It is great knowing that I can come here and have others understand what I am going through. Unfortunately my mother has been in therapy since my brother passed, but it has never helped. My fiance' is planning on coming with me to therapy as soon as my therapist is ready for him to be there. He is a great man and I am very lucky to have him.

I guess two of my biggest problems are I self blame constantly and over react to everything on a grand scale. It doesn't matter what the issue.

Again thank you for being here.

Hugs to you as well

[Open Eyes]

(((aiv))),

Oh, I am sorry that your mother has not responded well in therapy. However losing a child is something that many women truely never get over, they just have to learn to try to find ways to allow themselves to continue to at least try to find a way to appreciate life or channel their grief into something positive.

I met a women just last month that lost her son on his birthday. He was in a motorcycle accident. She confided in me that she is trying hard to be there for her daughter and her grand child, but she said that it is just so hard and she has such a hole in her heart. This woman was a nice woman and she told me that every day she just feels so much loss and there doesn't seem to be anything to fill that emtyness.

Also with a loss like this the healing ability depends on what a person has in their personal background to also tap onto to help them empower themselves inspite of the pain of the loss. Your mother may not really have a strong enough foundation to respond in therapy.

For you though, you have a good man and a life ahead of you. You are taking the right path in seeking the guidance from a therapist so you can find your own way to finally giving yourself permission to accept life and live YOUR life. Your goal with theapy is to be able to allow yourself to finally express all YOUR emotions and confusion to a point where you find PEACE WITHIN YOURSELF and GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FINALLY settle into YOUR OWN LIFE and JUST BE YOU and ACCEPT YOURSELF.

That is what I have been working on myself and everyone is different and it does take time to finally relax into yourself and finally just be and accept and even forgive.

You are going to be ok, just keep trying to work through it all one day at a time, and know it is not going to happen overnight, but if you make the decision that YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THE WORK AND YOU WANT TO HEAL, you will heal. And you will even grow and have more depth to you as well.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[aiv713]

Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really helps just knowing I'm not alone

((Hugs))

[Open Eyes]

((((You are welcome aiv)))),

You are taking the right steps for yourself so far. You are realizing that you CANNOT HEAL YOUR MOTHER and that she is impeding YOUR ability to heal. Yeah, it is hard to make the decision to distance from her, but it is the right decision for YOU. We all have to get to a point where we are willing to make a decision and truely realize how all we can do IS HEAL OURSELVES and THAT IT OK TO DO THAT. That is good and important step for you.

Oh, you are definitely not alone here. You are heading in the right direction and you have a really good chance at healing and KNOW YOU DO DESERVE THE RIGHT TO HEAL.

And to be honest with you? If your mother sees YOU moving forward and healing, it just might help her to do the same. Sometimes we can allow others to sit on the pity pot way too long without realizing we are doing that.

(((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

[aiv713]

Open Eyes Thank you again. At this point I have decided to just take care of me and try to move forward. I hate to say this but I don't care if she gets the help she needs or not. I can't care anymore I've cared too long. I've held my own healing back because of her and I can't do that anymore. I've wanted to end contact with her for years but always felt too guilty to do so. That she would die if I did. Well I've done it and it feels great.

I want to have a family and life with my BF and in order to do that I've got to heal myself. So let the healing begin. Being on here has helped so much.

thanks