I just raised my voice at work. That stupid co-worker ignored the first Process Server last week that sent me into a tailspin; so another, bigger one came in today. And there I was. Again.

I asked him to leave and he ignored me and proceeded to back talk me. He threw the Summons on a desk and continued to back talk me.

I called Security and escorted him down to the security desk, telling the guard we had an uninvited, unwanted visitor.

They blew it off.

The dips*** coworker wasnt there. I gave it to her Sup explaining the situation.

Her Sup looked at the Summons, and then started to ponder with me "how did the Server find so and so." I told her I really didnt care and I did not want to deal with *****'s personal s***. As well as "this was the second time it happened and she was talked to last week."

The Sup said she'd take care of it. (rolling eyes showing mild concern for my safety)

Oh and btw, the dips*** coworker didnt even apologize last week about it.

My heart is racing and I am so upset. My sense of security, again, feels as though it has been compromised. I hate feeling like this (more joys with cPTSD)

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

That was such a challenge for you, sorry that you were treated as though it was nothing. I can see where that would trigger you, something upset you, was important to you and you were not respected with rolling eyes that sent a message to you that has been sent to you in your past as well.

You are a professional person Rose, and unfortunately there are people that are just ignorant, dumb and do not respect others. I can relate to that because I had that happen to me on Sunday. Ugh, sometimes I cannot believe how ignorant people can be and put me on the guilt trip for "their" stupidity.

I am so sorry that happened to you Rose, I can't blame you for being upset. I hope you can calm down a little and take some self soothing care tonight.

((Gentle caring hugs for my friend Rose))) Meh, they are just ignorant worthless people Rose.
Open Eye

Thanks ((((WePow)))) and ((((OE)))) for understanding.

I went outside and sat in the sun and took a little break. I tried my positive affirmations and my breathing exercies. I tried to not let my mind wander. And I tried not to worry.

I realized after I stopped panicking and felt calmer, my reaction was disproportionate to the situation. And then I felt really embarrassed for being so upset in the first place and reacting the way that I did with her Sup. and in the office, no less. FGS.

(I was already on edge and feeling grumpy about coming to work today because of what happened last week...so I was already tense. Happening again, with a tougher, stronger, bigger Server, just made me upset all over again)

(I knew these - new - people were going to be Trouble)

I really need to be more careful about controlling my emotions when triggered like that. It's like I am (secretly) yelling "help me!", but it comes out like I am just upset and yelling.

I wish I would have handled things better. I will do better the next time.

((((OE)))) I am sorry you had the same thing happen to you! How are you feeling today? A little better?

Thanks for your support! xx

[optimize990h]

glad u made it through that!

Originally Posted by optimize990h

glad u made it through that!

Thank you! Boy I cannot tell you how much I wanted to run out of there and never come back. Literally walk off my job.

I really want to do better next time. Now that the dust has settled I am feeling a little embarrassed ... I'll do better next time.

Nobody has beat me up or "talked to me" since the incident, too. They may later. I am so hard on myself, though, they probably know I am sitting here totally miserable because I hate myself for behaving that way.

(it's a weird cycle, non?)

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

Ugh, sometimes that can happen with PTSD, I have caught myself that way as well, and then felt bad that I got so angry and upset. But the good thing that happened Rose is that you noticed it. After you calmed down you noticed it, very good because that is the beginning of working on controling it better. I have had that happen here in PC as well as with my husband. If someone touches a weak/sore spot in me, I can get real angry and quickly. Once you start to notice that can happen you have to really try to work at it and know it can happen. I would have a hard time because the anger would just burst out before I actually got to think first, I was so surprised at that. It IS a part of the PTSD and some people get full blown white outs where rage just comes forward and they act and cannot control it. Working on knowing it is there is important to making progress with it.

And ofcourse that strong desire to RUN, to be so angry or triggered that that "flight" instinct just comes on very strong. I have had that happen to me in PC a few times and I let myself calm down before taking action and made the decision that I would work on it, and through it. It was really good for me to do that. Hey, it is a lot of brain work sometimes with PTSD. But please do not be hard on yourself, it was great that you calmed down and saw it the way you did. That IS progress, even if you feel bad now, you noticed it.

Hey, every person can lose their temper. So don't let this get you down, you are making progress and that is what you have to keep your focus on.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[beauflow]

((RoseP))

What a ****** day-

Hopefully your following days will be better....

Open Eyes has a lot to say with this-- Anger comes, it is an emotion in people.... Everyone gets mad once in a while. but as well, some times it can be consuming and a person can get fully enraged- It is no fun when it comes to that especially the aftermath of it... even then with rage, beating one's self up about it does little good... the most important thing is to learn form it to take steps to be better. (I need to listen to that too)

I am glad that you were able to go out side and calm down, I tend to have to do that a lot as well at work.... Nature some times can be a true blessing in times like this... that is one thing my Ex-T said, Go Take a Walk then!

As you mention- you want to do better next time-- and I am sure you will, if such a thing comes up again.

Many Hugs to you--

[Mogie]

Sorry about that! I know that feeling though. I have had more than one occasion where I wanted to go ape***t at work because of some silly thing, or my reaction being out of proportion to the reality of the situation. Kudos to you for being healthy enough to take a break and gain perspective! There is this really cool little book I found called: Mindfulness to Go: How to Meditate While You're On the Move. The techniques in it really helped me at work. Chin up! and Hugs!

Thanks so much ((((All))))

When I reflected further, I realized it is when I feel my safety has been compromised and/or I am not being heard (when it is important to me) that I get so upset.

I try to stay calm and communicate properly but when the person persists and clearly is ignoring me or not listening or steam rolling me that is when I get really triggered. And as ((((OE)))) mentioned I just want to run!

Well thankfully with the help and support of you good folks, I have the opportunity to be heard and find new ways to manage things better!

I will do better next time

Oh ps. Her Sups did hear me and they are going to have a nice long talk with this person today...the way she has behaved has been unacceptable and she is a grown woman. She will have to take responsibility for her actions in more ways than one : with the legal system AND in the workplace....finally.

I dont wish her ill but she really needs to get her head out of her *****.

I still want to not go to the office anymore. I also am horrible with conflict. Another learning opportunity. Ugh. I'll get there...

Hugs to you all. Thanks again!
Rose

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

You made progress, and I have a tandom thread where I am feeling the same way. That not being heard and validated really affects me as well. It is a sensitivity that runs very deep in my psychie and I do get angry and frustrated every time I am invalidated. I get frustrated with others and then frustrated with myself because of how much I react to it. I am often surprized at how much anger I have in storage as well. I have all I can do to come to a point where I totally humble myself and just say that I am dealing with this disorder the best way I can, and unfortunately others will not understand how much work it really is to push myself along sometimes.

Yes, I totally understand where you are right now as well. The part in the aftermath of an upset where there is a lot questioning if there will be a time where it will be easier to manage the emotions that come forward when things like this occur.

I am so glad that something was actually done to address this concern you had. And I know that there is a wonder now if you could have reacted better. Yes, at the time you most likely felt that once again you were just going to be dismissed and that fueled how much you got upset.

All I know is that somewhere within I have to relearn how to be satisfied with validatiing myself and not be so concerned when others invalidate me.

As I recover my own past, I realize how that part of me was not taught to me the way it should have been taught to me (in my childhood). And, yes, I have some deep seeded anger about that and I have not yet learned how to overcome it. I have also become aware of a void in my true sense of self worth as well. There is a question of how I can really get to that place where I have the ability to truely realize my own self worth and not allow anyone to make me question that. And because I have PTSD, that task is such a challenge because the PTSD itself makes me feel so much more vulnerable.

This is when we have to spend time allowing ourselves to be humble and make sure we do not let ourselves give in to this vulnerability. This is where we missed out on that parent that sat down with us and validated how we felt we failed in some way or was there to stand up for us to help us feel that it was ok to stand up for ourselves, even when someone tries to deny us that right.

What has helped me is in learning that I am not really alone in having this kind of vulnerablity. People all around me express this in all kinds of ways that can make them appear to have a much greater sense of "self value". I have been slowly learning to recognize that my own "lack" is a lot more common than I realize and in that knowlege I have more permission to keep being humble with myself every time I struggle.

(((Rose)))), I think about that pair of shoes all the time and what it really means. A pair of shoes that are perfectly fine and acceptable, but without the price tag and an expensive label we are supposed to feel "less than" somehow.

In reality, who is healthier, someone who needs a pair of shoes with a designer name and price tag to signify they are worthy, or someone who can say without any shame, "yeah, I got these pretty shoes for $14.99 at payless and they look just as good as the ones that have that expensive name/designer on them and then have a laugh that reaches to a depth of pleasure and confidence.

Well, I want to be the latter. I just don't want to feel like I should feel shame because I somehow don't feel it is important to have some kind of man made badge of approval. However, I also want to feel that it is ok if I actually want to purchase something that is expensive simply because I happen to like it. But it runs a lot deeper than that. I just want to let go of how I can be affected to my core when I am invalidated. I have to admit that I have not mastered that "YET". And that "YET" is very important because it allows me to keep myself humble to accept that I "CAN" continue to allow myself to feel that I can keep "LEARNING" my way forward in spite of this PTSD.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Oh my gosh...this Idiot just gets stupider by the moment. I honestly do not know what planet she is living on but it's not reality.

I cannot believe what just happened....and the saga continues, and also stops here with me venting (thanks for reading/listening)...

I just ran into the dolt, and she said, "hello Rose!" and asked me how I was in her sing song voice and I said, "hi so-and-so" (not looking at her) "just dandy" (I didn't want to just stare daggers at her or not say anything at all. And I especially didn't want to speak my true thoughts to her....

She looked up at me and innocently asked, "hey. did that guy come back yesterday?"

I was seriously stunned and all that came flying out of my mouth was, "I don't want to talk about it. It's none of my business" and walked away from her.

OK, somebody help me with some helpful input / advice on how to deal with this stupid idiot.

**I have to be honest, too....and I should not be surprised AT ALL but I am...the thing that bothers me the most is that she has no idea how disruptive it was to the office and has not even hinted at the teeniest apology for bringing her crazy **** into the office.

Not cool.

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),
Yes, unfortunately there are lots of people out there that actually do not know better.
And there has been an established name for these people "AIR HEADS" we call them.
Yes they do exist in rather large numbers I dare say.

Well, I went to see my T today and I thought I would share what he discussed with me today, because I love the way he explained it and also helped me calm down in therapy. I did talk about my day Sunday and how that effected me and as I did that I filled up with a lot of emotion and anxiety.

What my T said is that the part of our brain that carries emotion is actually rather stupid. And all it does is wait for information and pictures to come into our brain and as these images come to the brain, the emotions attach to the images or information.

First he told me to take notice of how my body was feeling. And I did and it was full of anxiety and in a lot of pain.

Then he told me to sit back and close my eyes. He told me to picture a black board in front of me. A big black board like I saw in school growing up. Then he told me to put a piece of chalk in my hand and feel that chalk in my hand and smell it and smell the black board. He told me to take the chalk and write on that chalk board a big number 10 nice and slowly. Then he told me to put a big eraser in my other hand and after I wrote the number 10 to wipe the number away with the big eraser. Then he told me to write the number 9 and again erase it away with the eraser. And he went down every number until I erased number 1.

Then he asked me to open my eyes and tell him how I felt. And I have to admit that I did feel much better.

He explained to me that what I was doing is focusing my mind on an image and an easy soothing task and as I did that I was also allowing the emotions to fade away and I calmed myself down in that process. And when I do that it tells my body and even my liver is allowed to remove the chemicals that tell my body "fright/flight".

What I am discribing is mindfulness and learning how to "not" allow our emotions to take us over and encourage us to feel full of any emotion that can lead to losing control. And when we do this we learn how we CAN take more charge in how we "react" to things that come into our brain where the dumb emotions present and can cause us to feel like we are losing control.

Now, I was already aware of breathing exercises and meditation and coloring books etc for some self soothing and calming. But the way he described emotions being in a part of the brain that had no real intelligence, was dumb, that is what made the difference for me.

And as I drove home and really thought about it, I also realized that often when we have flashbacks and other memories where we do recall images and even how others have treated us in the past, each time we do that we also invite emotions to enter into these memories. And the older we are and more sophisticated we are about appropriate emotions which we continure to learn as we age and by exposure in so many ways, we CAN attach a lot of more sophisticated emotion to memories of our past as well as the flashbacks.

And this is often why we hesitate to recall childhood memories too. Because when we do that we can add more emotion to these memories than we may have had the capacity to do when we experienced our childhoods. Yes, we may have been stressed or frightened or did not receive the right kind of nurturing but at the time we didn't really know what all of that meant. So, when we do look back, we can look back with a lot more emotion and even wonder how we may not have responded better or known better. And yes, it is not fair to judge ourselves with our present more indepth way of attaching emotions to our experiences because we can add more guilt for how we didn't do more to stand up and try harder somehow.

And the other thing he told me is that while we do experience flashbacks and they can stir up emotions and anxiety etc. We can LEARN that when that happens there is a certain length of time to them and by practicing the black board method, we can also learn that we can CONTROL and lower the invasion of emotions that really only come with the visions and information that comes into our minds.

So ((Rose)) that new experience today with this girl still being dumb? You have the ability to be able to disguard the emotions that you can have about that issue. You can close your eyes and go right to the black board and picture yourself erasing numbers and that WILL get that information coming in no power to call forward emotions that present you with anger all over again.

My T told me that as we practice this we become more "in control" of the "dumb" emotions that just are trained to attach to certain pictures in information that comes into the brain.

In a very round about way, that is what I was trying to say about the shoes as well.
Shoes are shoes, it is us that spend emotion on what exact "kind" of shoes they are.
We actually allow ourselves to be trained to feel "relief" and "safety" by thinking that having a pair of shoes that are expensive with a designer name on them allow "positive" emotions to come forward. And that is what "marketing" is all about.

That is what I was trying to say about freeing myself from feeling I had to follow along with some kind of "marketing" idea. An ability to "Laugh" at that and truely feel it to the depth of me.

I was all around what my T told me today about emotions and the fact that they are in a part of the brain that is dumb in and of itself.

Interesting food for thought. Meh?

(((Hugs as always)))
Open Eyes

lol! ((((OE)))) Yes, very interesting. Thanks so much for sharing. Where do I send you a check for your T. time

I love that exercise...I am definitely going to give it a go.

Dumb; Airhead. Yes!
Meh. Me? Nahhhhh! Not any more (as I close my eyes...............)

Hugs, Rose

[Open Eyes]

Well, it is something worth working towards. It is a skill worth building.

Hey, I am just a beginner sometimes, but I like this way of looking at it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes