Help please

I don't know where to post this, so I am just starting the thread here, since I have been kinda a frequent lurker here.

My ex wants the kids (10 and 7) to know why we got divorced. That I am the one who wanted it. That at the time, I didn't feel like a mom (I either had a postpartum issue, or was going through a weird manic phase...i don't remember a lot from those years) anyway, I was avoiding home, going out and drinking while he was home with the kids, and even cheated on him.

Yes I was NOT the type of mom who deserved kids, I loved them but definitely didn't show it correctly. So I gave him custody without a fight. Now it is like 5 years later, and I have been in the kids life for the past 3. We have joint custody now, and I realize what an EPIC FOOL and horrible person I was. I have worked very hard to change, and if I could go back to whoever I was long ago, I would kick her in the head and snap her out of the selfishness. Anyway, he wants the kids to know everything because my son is going through this phase where he thinks that it is daddy's fault, and that daddy is the enemy, even though that is not true, and I never talk badly about their dad to them.

So the ex wants him to know the truth. The fact is, I don't think that it would benefit the kids, but hurt them. I don't even care how crappy it makes me look, I just worry about their mental well being. They don't need the dirty laundry details. (and believe you me my ex was NOT without fault, very controlling, emotionally abusive, tried to get phyical a couple of times) What do I do? He brought this up all yesterday which is totally adding to my depression. Nothing to stop him from telling them either. I am extremely triggered, and feel as helpless and beat down I was when he was controlling my life. He is trying to do it again.

Any advice is appreciated, I am soooo sorry to have wasted time by posting here, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. I need help. Thank you

(((Wolfin 3)))),

I am sorry, I just saw your thread now. You are very important and I don't want you to think no one is interested in answering your plea for help/support.

Well, your children are 10 and 7 and are at the age where they are just curious to why mommy and daddy are not together. They are also at the age where they "pick up on" the attitudes and body language that you and your husband have with each other.
It sounds to me like your son is experiencing your husbands need for control himself and he is thinking that it may be why mommy didn't want to be with daddy.

I am wondering if your son is the one that is 10 now? If that is true, well that is the age where children start wanting independance and that "bossy closeminded parent" is a challenge.

I have a feeling by what you are saying here, that you are probably much more loving and supportive with your children, and that is a good thing Wolfin. And they are at the age now where they DO need that from you.

I really think that your idea of explaining how you experienced Post Pardom depression and that you did not understand it yourself is fine. All you do know is that it took you time to realize it and find your way to understanding and working through it. Children just need the basics and to feel you are "honest" with them. There is nothing wrong with being honest, and making sure they also know that you are sorry and that you DO love them are there for them now.

The children mostly just want to understand what went wrong. They know that we grow up, find someone to love, get married and have a family. They do not understand why it doesn't always work out and what they should learn so they can prevent a break up someday too. So in their mind, they have not seen a working relationship and so they don't know how one works.

And the other thing children almost always wonder is if the parents didn't love them enough to stay a family or if it was their fault somehow too. They just have questions thats all, it is very normal for kids to have these questions.

Wofin, you can't go back and change your past. All you can do now is learn why it happened and take whatever you learn and move forward with your life. And don't beat yourself up, for some reason you were lost and confused.

Are you working with a T?

Open Eyes

It's been my belief and the belief of others that children should never be involved in their parents marital affairs, it is damaging to the children. My mom only told us kids that she left my dad because they stopped loving eachother. That was good enough for me. To hear about all of the abuse, all of the horrible things he did to his children only made things worse (although we saw this for ourselves) it did give us the chance to form opinions ourselves.
Children do not have the maturity nor mentality to fully understand the scenario and should not be allowed to know these things by the other parents, it could be very damaging in many ways.
I hope your ex can stop trying to point the finger and just leave it alone for now. When they are adults and ready to know, perhaps you can tell them but what is it their business anyways? All they need to know is that the love is over between the two of you, they don't need to know anything else

PurpleFlyingMonkeys, I feel that way too...exactly. Phew. Thanks for your reply.

Open Eyes, thank you, your post was very insightful. Yes, it is my son who is 10. It was good to hear your thoughts, I always look forward to your replies to people's threads, because I always learn something! I am working with a T right now, I just started back up with therapy last month after a 10 year hiatus...things are getting heavy again. I just have so many built up issues that I have been running away from with so many things it is hard to know where to start...(I tend to want to fix things right away, and I know that is not how it works.)

I am definitely trying to learn how to not beat up on myself; I have always been hard on myself...(very "type A") I hope to put the past back where it belongs...

Thank you again, both, for your replies, it means a lot to me!

(((Wolfin))),

Thats ok, I was like that too, I wanted to rush through it and get back to my life.
Well, unfortunately I have had to learn to be patient and that I had to let the healing run its course through the steps/stages.

Ok, I do see where Purple is coming from in her opinion. I was like that myself, with my daughter I made many efforts to try not to dump my issues on her. However I got hit between the eyes not too long ago when she told me she went through a lot of lonliness and struggled because "no one explained to her what was going on". Wow, Wolfin, while I thought I was giving her freedom to be in her own life and not deal with "my" issues, she felt very differently.

And that also came up when I was interacting with a young teen that didn't like the fact that her parents didn't share with her the "whys" of their relationship breakup.
Her feelings were that they didn't "care" enough about her to include her and she also felt she could not trust them or even go to them with "her" issues.

So Wolfin, it is now my opinion to be open to the questions that your children present to you. I don't think you have to explain "everything" to them, but I think that if they are confused as to "why" you and your husband "didn't work out" they should feel that you are open to helping them understand it better. But I recommend trying to keep it simple so they can understand that it was not due to your lack of love for "them" and that your relationship failed because at the time "you were truely struggling" and there was no way for you and your husband to work through it and repair the relationship.

I think that the best way to handle it is to just give them permission to ask questions if they feel they have certain things they don't understand.

I wish I had known that my daughter felt troubled and alone while I was trying to work through the problems that I faced in my health as well as my relationship with her father. Yes, as I mentioned I felt like Purple that is was not "her" issue to solve, however she felt "left out" and "confused".

I am just sharing what I have learned. And my advice now is to be open with your children and just let them open up to "their" questions. And as I mentioned try to find a way to keep it simple so they can feel at ease.

I think that your son is experiencing friction with your husband and is probably wondering if this is what made "you" want to leave this man too.

Open Eyes

What ive done with my daughter, and she's only 4, is explained to her that momma is sick. I dont tell her about my abuse, maybe when she is older (16 or so) and the situation calls for it i will but i dont explain to her my problems. Back in may when i was violently shaking and had an extreme anxiety attack for a week straigjt, my fiance and i just told her i was sick and not feeling well. She knows when i go to my t appointments and knew when i was on medicine, but i only told her that i was sick and didnt feel well. It still breaks my heart when i am low and cant play with her but i tell her "im sorry baby momma doesnt feel well right now" and most days she seems to understand. I think until the children are old enough to actually grasp the concept of mental illness, they dont have to and in many cases shouldnt know the details. They can lay the blame on a parent or themselves which could be harmful.heck, ive been mentally ill since i was 4 and 21 years later and i still dont understand all of it, and i live it.
Im not suggesting keeping them completely in the dark if you want to explain things but a 10 year old wont understand many things, like post pardom depression.
Ive already decided i may tell my daughter when shes much older about some of my abuse but not until shes grown. Children dont understand nor see it the way you do when you are an adult.