Not sure how old I could have been but my mother is holding my brother in her arms who seems to be around one year old. I am 5 years different from my brother. So I'm aound 6 years old.

We are all in the kitchen. My oldest sister who might be around 20 years old is yelling, screaming, raging, out of control, pulling her hair as if she doesn't want hair on her head anymore. My brother is crying and my mother is yelling too. Then my sister grabs a knife. A big one. She yells she is going to kill herself and as she makes the gesture to stab herself, my mother trows my brother in my arms and turns to my sister and take the knife from her hands. Then my mother slaps her across the face, one time, two time, 3,4, I can count, 5,6 and my sister falls on her knees crying, rocking herself back and forth.

Then my mother grabs me by the arm, takes me outside, roughly sits me on the porch and says:

Do not move from here! Do not make a sound! And you better not tell anyone what you just saw. Do you understand me?! You better shut up and not tell!

Then she enters the house, still holding my brother in her arms, slamming the door behind her.

I do not move. I do not make a sound. I am concentrating on blocking what I just saw.

[Rapunzel]

How awful. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

Rap

WOW thats a long flashback.

My flashbacks are only little bits and pieces like a sound or a quick picture of a shadow, or the color red, or a piece of black whatever kind of things

When I get to the point where the bits and pieces form a whole "story" kind of thing its a whole memory and goes away on its own.

this sounds more like a complete memory that is coming to you so basically all you can do about it is hang in there and it will soon fade away.

When I reach this point I write it in my journals alot, create playdough, clay and diaramas of it. What this does is basically desensitizes me to that memory. this means that I create it so much in writing and other means and my head gets used to the memory so that it no longer bothers me and then its just gone. Basically taking the "Power" so to speak out of the memory and putting the "power" back into my control.

Hang in there it will soon go away since it has reached a complete memory level.

[Rhapsody]

I am SORRY!! -

What can WE do to comfort YOU today? - We are here....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((Time0))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you had to live through that once. Reliving it must be awful.

[pegasus]

I don't feel able to help much today, but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.

Flashbacks stink!

Sending hug to you>>>>>>>>>>>

(((((((((((((((( time0 ))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((time0)))))))))))))))))))

i'm just so sorry.

KD

Yes it is more a memory then a flashback. How come suddenly I remember this. When I remembered this yesterday, it surprised me so much that I didn't knew what to called it or what to do with it, I just had to write it down, it was like I was holding it in my hands and I didn't knew what I should do with this. I rarely remember something from my childhood. Very very rarely and when I do its just very small bit, so small that I'm not even sure if these bits ever had happened.

I still don't know what to do with this today. It's so very clear, so present. It's the first thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning. But there is a strange thing about this memory, I don't know how the little girl felt. She didn't say a word, didn't cry, didn't reacted, she just kept silent, keeping her emotions inside. At 6 years old she was already used to not show emotions, to keep her feelings inside. I can see this memory very clear but the feelings that the little girl felt are still blocked.

" Do not tell anyone". How many of these things I didn't told anyone.

Thank you for listening to me. I don't know how I feel. I just know I must not stay in that memory.

Thank you!

She didn't say a word, didn't cry, didn't reacted, she just kept silent, keeping her emotions inside

((((( hugs to little time0 )))))

You can cry and react now. We're listening.

[Larry_Hoover]

I was just about to ask, but how did it feel, when I saw your second post.

This is an excellent candidate for EMDR. You have a clear memory of a specific incident, and EMDR can induce the catharsis, the letting go of all the emotion you have so far effectively suppressed. Stored emotions never die. Until you unstore them, that is. I think it best that you let this one out. It's weighing you down.

Lar

[Fuzzybear]

My thoughts are with you ((((((((((((( Time0 ))))))))))))

Its there now because you have reached a point in your healing where somewhere in your mind you are comfortable and ready for the deeper levels of healing.

Yes memory recall can sometimes shock a person and now that this has happened you may end up having more and more memorys like this coming into your awareness.

What to do with it -
write it,
draw it
create it with clays and so on
talk about it in therapy,
follow your therapists suggestions on where to go next with this new knowledge.

(((((((((((((Time0))))))))))))
hang in there

[(JD)]

I think it's good that you were able to write it down, and now share it. Why not let it "just" "be" for right now? Maybe you don't have to do anything with it for the time being It's enough that you are strong enough to view it. ((((big hugs)))))

I just came back from work a little while ago so I'm a bit tired but I wanted to reply to you all, who did care enough to reply to me and give me your time and your support.

I work with the public so this has helped me today to not think too much about this memory but it did popped up on my mind on and off.

It's more the questions now that is on my mind. Why was my sister so upset? What did happened to bring her to this state of mind? What happened inside while I was sitting on that porch? But I know I will never have those answers, not if I have to remember by myself, because nobody in my familly will tell me.

I still don't know what the little felt.

I am going to deal with this one step at a time the best I can. I will surely take your suggestions. I am grateful to you all.

Thank you so very much!

[walkswithspiritbear]

(((time)))) no child should ever be put into that type of situation... take care and know that many here are ready to listen and all care

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Time0 )))))))))))))))

Thank you very much!

I'm trying to push this memory aside but I'm having a hard time doing this. It bothers me a lot.

I don't have a T. I don't have support. I have myself and PC.

Thank you!

(((((((((((((Time0)))))))))))))))

Maybe try instead of pushing it away when it come up say - Ok, I know you are there and I know you happened"

With me the more I try to push a strong thought away the more it stays and gathers more "power" over my thoughts and so on. When I acknowledge it and do something with it (for example I write it down put it in my containment box - construction paper covered shoe box with lid - then I go for a walk or bike ride and focus on what I am seeing and so on during that walk or bike ride) By doing something with it, its no longer this big dark secret that I have to keep inside me.

Hang in there.

This morning I woke up and this memory wasn't on my mind. Maybe it's fading away, just enough, to be a simple memory. It's a sad memory because there is not only me involve but my sister.

Today my sister is a happy woman with a wonderful husband and she is enjoying life. I'm not close to her though as she has hurt me a lot.

What I'm getting out of this memory is that I'm still like this little girl. I hide my "sad feelings" and I still do not tell.

Thank you for your caring!

((((((((((((time0)))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

Probably a healthy self protection/safety measure as there are some who judge as "whiners" like the mother

[(JD)]

I think you're doing fine with this... not that it isn't tough. The brain does use dreams and memory recovery in it's attempts to file and make sense of things. Your brain is working on this, even if you don't have it upfront in conscious. ((((time0))))

Thank you each and all of you!

I so appreciate your replies. At least I know I'm lucky I have a computer. That I'm sure off. I'm lucky to have all of you.

[hillbunnyb]

I'm with Sky timeO, you are healing. That you can see the movie in your head of that horrific event, whew, you cooking with butter!!! The feeling memories will come in their own time, just like this memory popped up in it's own time.

I wish you had a live, in-person person or two to talk to about this stuff. But, I'm very glad you are here at PC.

Being little while all hell breaks out, not good for one's health.
Being little and admonished to sit/stay all alone, very familar to me too. Sooo sorry. So glad you made it to here and now. You, kind friend, are a miracle. Good job. )))))timeO (((( ( ( (((

Thank you!