PTSD triggered by touch

I had T today. It is so confusing. I am learning about this little by little and can't really read material and get an understanding. I learn and remember so much more when what I can read is put into a context in which I can relate to. So please for give me for asking dumb questions and not going to google for everything. The search is exausting then the reading and decoding the info it is just so useless.

I had T today and we have discovered that I have PTSD much like a person who is a veteran. It is the touch that just sends me into trauma mode. (due to rape, and sexual abuse and who knows what else exactly) I was not aware this existed inside me until this weekend. I know I didn't like to be touched but when my H tried to hug me after an argument I told him, "Don't touch me, I hate you" I can't actually remember telling him t hat but I remember thinking it. The T says it is much like combative PTSD because I cannot remember what I said. My H could tell me but I don't want to even discuss it w/ him. The T said not to. If I didn't want to go there w/ out her then don't. Together we will go there if need be.

That is the first time I have heard of combative PTSD outside of a military since. She compared it to touching to wake a soldier, or a startle response, or anger and physical touch. This in my case is touch being bad. Not touch from a child, they hold an innocence that adults seems to have lost. Nurturing a child and hugging a little one is different. It is the adult contact. I don't like any sexual contact, I don't like my personal space invaded, I don't like any physical contact what so ever. I immediately shut down. I don't know how to stop it, I don't realize I do it at times.

Does this make anyone since to anyone. Is this even possible to have combative type PTSD w/ out being in a military situation. I want to read the combative PTDS part here at PC but am afraid to at the moment. I hope to learn more because this seems to be quite destructive. Any opinions anyone.

(((Big Mama))),

PTSD is PTSD, whether combat PTSD or not. It is a result of trama in some people that has a lasting affect on the victim. In your case you were in a long term situation where you were actually raped, your personal space was violated and your brain is reminded of that trama when you are touched by a man.

Yes, it is hard to fix and the reaction can be in an instant before you realize you are reacting. I know I can struggle with that too.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Thanks for your responce. Being w/ this man was horrible. He violated me in every mental and emotional way possible and I was alone except for the protection I recieved from him. (what I thought was protection) Strange one would call being forced to rely on your attacker as protection. How easily mind games can turn into assumed reality. It was my own personal hell I was afraid to walk away from. I can't controll my aversion to touch. I know it is wrong and causing a problem but I feel defenceless to stop it.

((Big Mama)),

You were young and did not have the life skills to know what to do in that situation.
You were also in a situation where you didn't feel you could tell your parents and have them help you. I had that happen as well, and this is actually something that happens to many who suffer abuse of somekind.

We often believe that when we get away from a certain abuse that we can move on and live our lives. But, it doesn't really work that way, because our brains hold onto the experience along with the emotional stresses. We are really designed to remember like this so that we can survive by avoiding dangerous situations that are similar in the future. And we "can" build up a subconscious way of "avoidance" to something and mark it "danger".

At this point you are now examining this trama, feeling it in everyway, and wondering how to adjust yourself so that you can understand it better and not have such a bad reaction anymore. And right now you are slowly putting this bad life experience into words as well. And as your subconscious mind sends forward what is trapped in these tramatic memories, you are slowly talking about it and finally allowing yourself to discribe the uncomfortable emotions that are held in that trama.

People have different reactions to trama, either they decide to avoid any reminders of the trama because they do not want to re-experience the emotional duress, or they pursue similar challenges in efforts to finally achieve a sense of control of this type of trama. And sometimes they do a little of both and try then withdraw because they do not know how to get rid of the subconscious fears/anxieties/stress/anger that is trapped somehow deep in the subconscious mind.

Big Mama, right now you are just beginning to discover and talk about these troubled emotions and questions/memories that are held in your subconscious mind. And it does feel like somehow all of a sudden the pocket of "trama" just comes forward on it's own without you realizing it or even being prepared for it. When that happens we can begin to struggle with being very confused by this and even feel that we can't seem to control it as well.

As you are sorting through this in therapy and also interacting with your husband at the same time, you will begin to see areas in your relationship that you feel unsafe with as well. And you have already pointed some of these areas out. I have the same "awareness" myself and I agree, it is a challenge and it takes time to sort through the things that make you feel uncomfortable or remind you of being abused.

It is going to take you time Big Mama to sort through all of this in therapy. Know you are not alone with this and you are in the early stage of just slowly addressing whatever emotions are trapped that will come forward that you have to slowly address "consciously". It is "normal" to want to withdraw for a while as you do so, after all, you are only beginining to sort through these emotions and you are not really ready to interact physically until you can get to the point where you have had time to address what is there.

Keep talking about it and be "patient" with yourself as well. This really takes time.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Big Mama,

I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. I get very angry at being touched by someone especially if I have not had time to prepare myself for it. Touch hurts! I hate it. I am even disturbed when people put those hugging emoticons on my posts! It makes me feel sick and violated.

fleeingbellocq I am sorry you feel the same way I do. It is good to know you are not alone, but I hate it for anyone else who has the knowledge of what I am talking about. I'll try to remember those little hugs on posts, if I respond to something of yours, words not hugs. My memory is not to great though. Please forgive me in advance if I happen to do this.

Open, thanks so much your kind words mean alot to me. I am kinda straddleing the fence here. One foot testing the waters of trauma's not fully sure I want to get all the way in. The other foot safely planted on the ground. Just like a cool body of water, It's not so bad once you adjust and there are those waves that sweep you away but you seem to grab on to a life saving device somewhere somehow.

(((Big Mama))),

Why don't you ask your therapist if it would be helpful for you to read the book "Courage to Heal". This book is to help women who are suffering from sexual abuse.

Open Eyes

((Big Mama) I know that I want people to ask first if they want to hug me. There are some men that I feel sick if they come near me. I remember yrs ago a guy who kept trying to hug me after I said no - about 3 times.Then he tried again in a meeting where we had to be quiet. A--H-le still makes me livid. I am nice & polite, but I stood up when someone was speaking and yelled at the guy - "Name-I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME MANY TIMES - What are you DOING??? - I didn't care how I looked - He felt like a fool and never touched me again..Whew - triggered just by typing that & over 7 yrs ago

Courage to heal, I will have to check and see if the library has that. Thank you for the suggestion.

I completely understand I hate being touched too. it makes me feel violated even if it's an innocent touch by a friend/ family member. but I feel the same way you feel about kids my kids can hug me and hold me as long as they want because its so innocent and sweet. I am sorry you are going through this right now and I hope you find a way to work through it with your t.

Angelwolf that is it exactly. Children are innocent. That is why it is acceptable for children to reach out. Even my teenager who is a boy. I don't hug lots of family members either. My dad hugs me and it is weird. The T asked if it were a male thing or a female thing or if it mattered. I don't like either but I hate it from men.