[Aiuto]

I had just went on a vacation with my teen daughter it was GREAT like a fantasy life!Then I come back to this box of isolation,major depression,PTSD BAD,broke, overwhelmed, stressed out, anxiety, panic, behavior horrible etc.
I wish I could run and go back to the fantasy life but I obviously cannot.I have had horrible time since July 8 when I got back.

The 2year anniversary of when my life changed for worst is coming up.I am having out of control behavior, major grey days, compulsive thoughts about this date coming up I fear! I am seeing my T 2 times a week until I get calm and this date passes and the rest of the negative things with it. I cannot even talk to anyone except my one friend from my local support group.I cannot talk to family or anybody because nobody even tries to get it besides my T. Do you know the saying flight or fight?Well I took the flight I got that vacation from this place I reside with all these horrible memories, and now I am back on fight mode!

I am a mess.

[DePressMe]

Aiuto, Yeah, its hard to come down from a high because it seems like the downer we come back to is that much worse--the hole becomes deeper. But, I try to keep the hope alive by the memories I had from the good times and know there will be more in the future. Don't worry too much about being a mess everybody is a mess at some point in time--and I know from experience that I can and will pick up my pieces, put them back together and find happiness again....D.

[Aiuto]

As my struggles change because this dreadful anniversary of accident date comes I have to stay away from EVERYONE this is what my T told me.I have been having REALLY bad nightmares. So I am going to see her 2 times weekly till I get myself together.When I do have to interact with a person such as friends & family they think I am ok because of my medication and I was having really good days till I got back from a vacation.

My anger has been trying to getting the best of me for example:My one friend that has caused me trauma in the "unknown" diagnosis stage has realized after I got diagnosis that I was having trouble I was not just having a horrible attitude for nothing.Well he actually has tried to help me and give me moral support. I appreciate it greatly, but Friday when me and T had went threw all trauma again she reminded me of what trauma he had put on me in "unknown" time.

So Saturday he comes to get me to take me out to lunch (just being nice) and I flip out on him!He drove on the highway really slow were I got hit a few years back.I went crazy yelling and started punching his car with anger and crying in rage.
This is a work around thing for me when I am driving, I take any other route to avoid this one.

Then he say's what happened to you?You were just fine the other day?I told him I am having compulsive thoughts about the count down of this day that changed my life for the worst.I could not tell him that I am also frustrated with him because of the trauma he put on me when I was very sick before I got my diagnosis.Because then he thinks I am just blaming.

I ate with him that day and have been in isolation from everyone even family since.I have found myself in a really bad place that I am ready to punch someone just because of my anger.I have been addressing to my T all the time about how do I get along with people,how do I handle this anger etc.She teaches me the 3 step cognitive behavior and work arounds which I am usually able to do but I'm in a rough time.

My mother tells me to just stop thinking about this date and forget it....Ok we all know how that goes lol!

I just do not get it one of the cognitive behavior steps is to think before I talk.Well I found I am always thinking before I talk but "normal" people just say whatever.It just sux! I am going to see her again today and tell her about my behavior over the weekend. I wish I could get back to where I was a few weeks ago and have some peace.

[Open Eyes]

(((Aiuto))),

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, I remember going through that myself and wondering if I was ever going to get to a better place, or was I just going to have to keep struggling so much.

Hun, your reaction and anger that day on the highway was just a wave of "anxiety" surfacing, this anger about "not having control" and "experiencing something bad".
When these waves come, you can't stop them, however, you need to understand that "these waves do end" and afterwards you can slowly remind yourself that "yes" that did happen and it really frightened me, but I am "ok" now. I think that because this friend was also present and had failed to "understand" you and be more supportive in the past only added to your anger as you experienced the "flashback wave" in front of him.

I have to say that I too have been "dismissed" for genuinely struggling, especially by my own family members. I totally get the anger and frustration and sense of betrayal that brings forward. Unfortunately that happens with many who struggle with PTSD because there is so much "ignorance" about PTSD out there.

When I am working with an abused horse that also has these "very real fears" when any reminder of abuse or hurt comes? I help the horse slowly get "past" that fear and trauma response by slowly doing the "touching or saddling or whatever" the source of abuse came from until they finally get to a point where they realize that they can be touched, saddled or ridden, without experiencing some kind of pain or trauma.

I have a mustang that was badly "abused" and he would almost sit down when I put a saddle near him, he would shiver and quiver in fear. I had to be "very patient" and keep talking to him and keep showing him the saddle and slowly setting it on his back until he slowly realized that I was "not" going to hurt him with the saddle. Riding him was a challenge too because he would scoot a lot and get quick expecting to somehow have to deal with an aggressive unbalanced rider that would mean "pain" to him. So, while under saddle he was ridden in serpentines a lot, never in a constant pattern so that he was distracted so much by the constant changing of directions that he would slowly calm down and concentrate on all the changes in directions and serpentines.

If I had just allowed him to "avoid" these uncomfortable situations, he would have "never" gotten trained and always been "afraid" of these activities. Helping him get past his fears did not happen over night either.

My daughter now "competes" with a horse that she bought that was so badly abused he would not go into a riding ring, could not be saddled, was afraid to go forward and often his answer was just to rear up and he "was" often easily "angered" too. He was lame, and sore all over and the woman that owned and abused him was considering euthanizing him. But if you saw him now? You would never know it was the same horse, he is competing in the jumpers, is a very talented horse and is winning money and ribbons. My daughter rode him on the trail for 6 months without a saddle and she had a lot on her plate helping this horse "trust" anything enough to go forward and learn. People who watch him compete honestly do not know just how long his journey has been and the tremendous amount of "patience" needed to get him to where he is today.

The truth is, even animals experience a PTSD like reaction to a trauma. It took me so very long to finally get my horses and ponies to be able to go out at night again after they were badly traumatized by my neighbor's dog that lead to so many of them being badly injured. To this day they still get very upset when something comes from that neighbor's yard, even noises or my neighbor out near that property line.

You "can" slowly heal, but it doesn't happen overnight. anger and frustration is "normal" to healing and recovering so be patient with yourself. I really wish I knew how to put a picture of this "real black beauty", actually two black beauties because the mustang is black too. So you can remember that "you can heal with time and patience'.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Aiuto]

Open Eyes I thank you so much for your story about the horses.I would love to be able to work with any living thing besides myself with all this trauma to feel the love and see the patients needed.

I have a world full of trauma right now and everyday I get more.My mother tells me to go ^ myself, my father a banded me when my parents split when I was 4 and I never had any love from family. Now my mom tells me nasty things, emotionally abuses me, tells me how horrible my behavior is. My T told me to stay away from her....while my daughter is there.

I am seeing T 2 times a week now.My moral support consist of my T and my oldest sister. My T told me to keep my daughter over with my mother for the time being so I do not traumatize my daughter. I believe my mother is doing more harm to my daughter now emotionally and me being absent.I would like to go get my daughter and bring her home and never speak to my mother again!

Now getting new news that the trauma from this accident could go on another 5yrs....I am lost for words and I have to stay in fight mode and I have been crying out of control with anger for last week everyday.I am so lost!My step dad tells my mom all the time that I need my mother because the way she is towards me and she is very manipulative to me.I need a advocate and a live in therapist seriously!

[Open Eyes]

(((Aiuto))),

I am very sorry that you have so little support and when someone is struggling with PTSD being "denied" and "invalidated" is magnified and can be so crippling. Any history of "abandonment" will come forward too, I deal with that myself too. And the people we really need to be supportive can be the very ones that hurt us even more, to a point where it can get painful and crippling too. I have been challenged with that myself too. And what can happen with PTSD is that the sufferer can turn their anger inward and begin to "self blame" because they struggle so much.

It is very important that you do whatever you can to keep "supportive" people around you right now. It is important to understand that it takes time and support and all you "can" do right now is take things one day at a time and continue to focus on therapy and "self care" no matter what.

I believe you about your mother too, and while you do not like your daughter living with your mother, you have to let that go right now because you are not in any condition to be able to care for your daughter when you are struggling so much. Your daughter will not understand it, and that is "not your fault" either.

Sometimes what "can" help though is having the people that give you a hard time see your therapist so they can be told that what challenges you is real and that they need to be more "supportive" as you work on "healing" and that it "does take a considerable amount of time" to work through and gain control of the PTSD. However, sometimes that doesn't work, as people can have a tendency to "want to be in denial", especially if they have their own issues.

So, Aiuto, you have to slow down and focus on yourself and do extra "self care" right now, and be "very patient" with yourself. I know that can be such a challenge and there can be days that can be debilitating, I have dealt with that myself too. One day at a time and lots of patience as you slowly work "through" the PTSD.

What I have learned is that when I get to a day where I am badly triggered and struggling and want to vent out the frustration. I need to be extra patient and do my best to "self observe" and slowly realize that I need to understand that these "waves" do come forward and I need to be patient and can only work on the "healing" after the wave of emotion slowly "dissipates".

Also, when you experience the "extreme emotions that come out strong because of how PTSD does magnify everything" yes, you will also have the extreme desires to reach out and want "justice" and also want to "help others and the empathy levels can get very high". Everything is "magnified" with PTSD and the desire to "communicate these strong feelings is also a huge "drive" too. Part of that is because as human beings, our existentialism is all about "sounding an alarm and sharing knowledge to insure survival of the species".

Most people practice "disassociation" and will tell themselves and others to "find a way to "ignore" the past, the challenges, the day to day realities that are not fair and can make life such a challenge too. But, when someone has PTSD, they cannot do this and they "want to do it" but because they have been traumatized and now struggle with "extreme awareness" they cannot "just do this or that as others insist they "just do". What that creates is a lot of "anger" and an anger that seems to come out even before "conscious thought is there" and this anger can also turn inward too. Yes, this can be exhausting and even embarrassing and very difficult to "control" which is why it is very important to be around people who "understand this and can remain supportive and understanding as you slowly work through these challenging strong symptoms". The most important part of "healing" for someone with PTSD is having access to "a constant source of "comfort" and "validation" and a presence that can "listen, listen, listen" as you need to vent out and "mourn, mourn, mourn". If that presence is there, it really does "bring relief" and yes, sometimes it feels like one needs a T that can do that almost "every day" too.

The reason I brought up the work I had to do with the abused horses I took on, is because what I did learn from that is that it really does "take time and patience" to help an abused horse or pony to slowly "trust" and be able to "relax" and get to a point where they learn that a "saddle can be put on their back without "pain" or that I am "not going to just hit them in the face" either. But to "really help an abused animal" it takes a lot of patience because their "healing" really does not happen over night. And for some things, they will always "worry" and be "cautious" about too.

The only way to "slowly" heal is to do "lots of self care" and move forward "slowly".
Often PTSD, can get "worse" before someone can slowly gain more control over it, and it is not a steady climb either, it is good and bad days and yes sometimes a trigger can be crippling for a couple of days, but you "can" keep gaining, however, it "is" up and down for a long period of time, and no, you cannot "push it faster" it really does take "lots of patience", and it is "not your fault" either. Being around others that can provide "comfort and support" is crucial, and often PTSD patients find a lot comfort interacting with others who do experience it first hand, and are far enough along in their healing and therapy work that they can be good source of support and validation for the extreme challenge. However, it is not unusual for two PTSD sufferers to "trigger each other" sometimes too. I have experienced that myself, so even there "patience" is a must.

It is good that you found this forum, you need to have a way to "vent" so you are not holding all this emotion inside yourself.

(((Caring supportive and gentle hugs)))
OE