[LisaDoe]

I'm so lost and sad right now I got married about a year ago to a man that's like my best friend. Problem is I hate sex and it makes me panic, feel threatened, etc. and if I turn him down he feels rejected and hurt and unloved. We do have sex, maybe once every week or two, and sometimes I'm into it, but more often I do it to try to make him happy. I don't know what to do. I dearly love this man but I feel obligated to have sex and it makes me panic and freak out and I'm taking way more meds after being married than before. He's miserable the way our marriage is with my lack of sexual interest, which puts more pressure on me and just makes me shut down even more. I've been doing nothing but cry the last two days. I have a great therapist but I don't know how that will ever make me want sex like a normal person.

[ThisWayOut]

Have you talked to your therapist about it? Have you talked to your husband about it? I know when i get to that place, if really helps to let either my wife or a professional in on what goes on in my head. Maybe you and your husband can work on other things that can make him feel loved and you comfortable at the same time? When I got a rut, my wife and i will try to spend extra time together just cuddling or having a nice dinner. Maybe watch a movie that gets him pressure without you having to do much?
I would definitely recommend bringing it up at least to your therapist. You could then work on the trauma that causes the panic... ((hugs))

[Big Mama]

Lisa, I wish I knew what to tell you or had some great words of wisdom. I do not. In fact I am in the very same position as you. I have been married to the same man for 18 years and still feel that way. Do you know what caused you to have this issue.

[AngelWolf3]

I completely understand. I too wish I could give you some advice. I agree, maybe talk to a therapist or your husband if you feel comfortable doing so...
but I know it is hard.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you feel this way - I would urge you to talk to your T about it.

[shezbut]

My ex-hub and I worked with a sex therapist together for a little while, to help me accept my body and enjoy sex. {It didn't work for me.} I reasoned with myself in order to allow sex between us, but as time passed it became less and less frequent. It was a hard road.

I wish that I had some words of encouragement ~ positive news to pass on & share. I have learned (over the years) that my life would be a lot easier if I were alone. It is really tough, imo, to work on yourself in deep areas like these when you have pressure from outside to please.

[Sigster66]

I went the other way and engaged in risky sex because of my early childhood sexual abuse by my mom. I wanted to be in control or repeat my trauma to master it. Now I am a devoted faithful husband after coming to terms with my abuse but I still am hypersensitive. One negative comment, tone of voice or glance by my wife escalates me right to rejection and anxiety that my trust was misplaced. I am grateful that I can still enjoy sex most of the time because I know many of us can't. I used to disassociate during sex but I trust my wife enough to be present most of the time. Good luck and know it's not your fault.

[Open Eyes]

((LisaDoe)),

I am glad you were brave enough to open up and share this challenge. You are not alone with this problem.

Lisa, sex really "originates" in the brain and when the brain isn't "receptive" it is very "hard" for a woman to be able to actually enjoy her "sexuality".

What you are struggling with right now is that because someone has "violdated" you, you have confusion about being able to actually allow yourself to be ok with trusting and enjoying your body and your sexuality. You are "apprehensive" about sharing that part of yourself and being "ok" about it with your husband, whom you "really do love".

However, sex is more than what we think about it as being, how we tend to put it into a should be "meaning".

What you need to work on, "because you do love your husband" is to understand how to be "ok" to break free and "love him completely and allow yourself to enjoy him" sexually as well. Sex, is very good for the brain. The entire brain lights up and is stimulated more than any other thing we do with our brains. And when a woman "loves" her partner, her "entire enjoyment in sex" is even higher.

Rape is "different", rape has nothing to do with what you and your husband have together. Rape is about someone taking something from you, you didn't agree to that.
So, you need to understand these two things are not the same.

Your husband "really loves you" a rapist didn't love you, big difference.

You have to slowly learn to "work on" allowing yourself to learn how to "own yourself" and "enjoy "love" with your husband". You deserve to allow your brain to completely light up and understand it is good for you and even more so because you are with someone you really love. You have to understand that "your husband is loving you, you are loving him" and this is entirely "different" and you are very lucky you found a man that you love and the two of you can be together in this way, because it is the best way for a woman to be with a man.

You need to allow yourself to "be ok" with your husband because "you honestly deserve that and it is "right". It is amazing how a woman is designed, truely amazing and how much more "receptive and rewarding sex is with a man you love" and it is far removed from anything else. You and your husband truely deserve to love each other all of each other and you do deserve that. It isn't about "allowing" either. You are both supposed to "love and enjoy each other" you really are.

You need to focus on taking your own body for "yourself" and understanding that you have every right to do just that. Your body is yours, take it over and "love your husband", its ok, it really is.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Lauru]

I lost 2 relationships for this very reason. I couldn't handle making myself have sex so it happened less and less frequently. Until it stopped. And they left me because of it. I am relieved. Because I don;t have to be afraid that I have to have sex tonight to save my relationship. Because I don;t have to have sex at all. The sad truth is that it will hurt your relationship at the very least, if not destroy it. I don't know how to make it better for us, or even if it can be better. Maybe there is no fixing us.

Sorry to hear your sorry, just to let you know i have the same problem, i was sexually assaulted at the age of 15 by a school mate, i was married for 10 years and hated sex, i did have 2 kids. Now we are getting a divorce because he could not cope with out it, i hate men. I am worried now that i may bat for the other side if you how what i mean, i hated the males parts made he feel sick, did it just to keep the peace i am glad now it all over but just now feel alone, just miss the hugs.xxx

[Big Mama]

ladygunn, I think I know what you mean. I am still married to a man. I have no doubt I do not "Bat for the other team" but there is nothing about man private parts that do anything for me. My H may very well be on his way out and leave if I don't have sex more often and act like I like it, not like I want it over with. I once told my H that god took a perfectly creature and the stick a **** on him. I like males, I like the male form, muscles and so on and so forth, but I cannot get past one certain male part. But I was forced in to oral w/ a boyfriend more time then I can count. So who knows what the future holds for me.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think this issue is all yours.

I'm sorry if you find what I have to say upsetting, but your husband isn't being as supportive as he should be. You shouldn't feel obligated.

Men can survive without sex. A man who is miserable because his wife can't sleep with him while working through trauma needs to take a good look at himself. Does he know what the problem is?

My H knows I am working through some trauma and is putting zero pressure on me. We don't do it very often right now, and we talk about that and how we both feel about it.

[Big Mama]

you are right tiny, I struggle with that same thought. Is one's need to have "it" so great that it over rides the other persons needs to deal w/ triggers and trauma's. If it does then it is not a one sided issue.