[HealingNSuffering]

Delete this thread please? Sorry for wasting everybody's time with my petty b/s paranoia

[IndieVisible]

Oh yes, I can certainly relate. I don't carry a gun just for this reason, though I do have a small baseball bat in my car. It only takes a smart @ss smirk to set me off too! Only in my case I'm usually more calm under the influence of alcohol. Usually. I can laugh off a smirk then. But if pushed or purposely agitated then all bets are off.

I wish I had some good advice for you as this continues to be a problem for me too. I will be watching this thread.

[HealingNSuffering]

Thanks IV, I'm hoping the mods will delete it because I am too paranoid to discuss this problem online right now. Maybe I'll post it about it when my head has cooled down a little more. I am going to call my friend and see what he has to say... Hopefull he doesn't just say "that's crazy, you're crazy" again

[allme]

I don't know what you posted but hope you're ok

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by HealingNSuffering

Thanks IV, I'm hoping the mods will delete it because I am too paranoid to discuss this problem online right now. Maybe I'll post it about it when my head has cooled down a little more. I am going to call my friend and see what he has to say... Hopefull he doesn't just say "that's crazy, you're crazy" again

Honestly I think talking it out is a good idea. It does help me. I realize how wrong I can be and also helps to know I am not alone and that many others feel the same way too. If you can't talk about it here and don't have any friends you can talk to about it with them calling you names, then talk to your T if you have one. But trust me, I know the feeling all too well.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by allme

I don't know what you posted but hope you're ok

I'll make a new post after I eat, I'm forcing myself to eat, even though I'm not hungry. I'll try to make one that makes more sense and is not as graphic/violent/triggering. Thank you

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Honestly I think talking it out is a good idea. It does help me. I realize how wrong I can be and also helps to know I am not alone and that many others feel the same way too. If you can't talk about it here and don't have any friends you can talk to about it with them calling you names, then talk to your T if you have one. But trust me, I know the feeling all too well.

I think so to, I called him and he said I sound like a schizophrenic I feel that way sometimes, just without the hallucinations. Its like I have a lot of the negative symptoms, maybe this is the "prodromal stage" of psychosis.

At least he talked me out of my impulse to get drunk, my gastrointestinal health is not great, I have a history of alcohol and drug dependency, so what is just having a casual drink to most people could lead to a binge for me. I'm not a nice drunk either, I'm mean and nasty, I get angry at the drop of a hat when I'm drunk. I've done some very foolishly violent things when drinking before. The VA also warns PTSD sufferers to stay away from alcohol, it can make symptoms worse. I have to ask if it was me or the alcohol who was being abused by it though. I side more towards it being me, I knew it isn't good for you to drink till you throw up, but I would do it anyways. Didn't care about myself at all until recently, yet still my impulsive self-defeating behavior always throws me off the tracks when I'm heading in the right direction.

[IndieVisible]

I'm not a doc but my gut feeling is nah for schizophrenic. I don't think so. You have anger issues, so do I. Yours could be for different reasons then mine but looking at each of our behaviors might not be so easy to tell that.

I get frustrated quickly, paranoid easily, bored of people quickly, become argumentative easily, but I can also be a great person too. I work on my anger issues and mood swings. Those are the hardest for me to deal with. I can keep my depression and anxiety pretty much under check with meds. There are no meds for me for the other stuff. Don't think the worse. Lot's of people have anger issues for different reasons.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

I'm not a doc but my gut feeling is nah for schizophrenic. I don't think so. You have anger issues, so do I. Yours could be for different reasons then mine but looking at each of our behaviors might not be so easy to tell that.

I get frustrated quickly, paranoid easily, bored of people quickly, become argumentative easily, but I can also be a great person too. I work on my anger issues and mood swings. Those are the hardest for me to deal with. I can keep my depression and anxiety pretty much under check with meds. There are no meds for me for the other stuff. Don't think the worse. Lot's of people have anger issues for different reasons.

Yeah I think its a little late for me to develop schizophrenia, my grandfather was DX'd Paranoid Schizophrenia though and "battle fatigue" aka PTSD after he came back from the Western Front. It appears that PTSD runs in my family along with mood disorders. I definitely have some anger issues, I am working on these issues as well. I've lived with excessive anger, anxiety and depression related issues since I was 2 years old. There is war inside my head, and I feel like I'm losing right now. My anxiety isn't even bad today, nor is my depression, the only meds they make for paranoia and anger are antipsychotics which I am unwilling to take. Even when my anxiety and depression are under control, my PTSD is out of control. Scientists need to get busy with some PTSD - specific meds that aren't just SSRI's I wouldn't take SSRI's if they were the only cure for depression on the planet.

Last time I took SSRI's I attempted to off myself, I took antipsychotics once and they made me feel horrible. I would rather be paranoid and angry than taking those meds, they cause brain damage ya know? I think my anger issues are deep seated in my personality, I've tried anger management, court mandated therapy etc and nothing has helped it. CBT is slowly fixing my negative thought patterns. The first part of my recovery was to realize that I was my own biggest enemy. I had become the monsters I used to hate.

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

[IndieVisible]

Same here! I get adverse effects to SSRIs, I can't take any of them. And I won't take anti-psychotics because I have to be 100% functional for my job and they make me feel tired and slow and less energy and unmotivated. Anger is a tough one for me too and it kills me some times. I hate when I yell at my kids for no good reason! That just tears me apart. But I can't stop myself. I am quick to apologize to them and remind them daddy loves them very much but doesn't feel good right now. Hey, good luck! Keep posting about it, it really does help however minimum it might be.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Same here! I get adverse effects to SSRIs, I can't take any of them. And I won't take anti-psychotics because I have to be 100% functional for my job and they make me feel tired and slow and less energy and unmotivated. Anger is a tough one for me too and it kills me some times. I hate when I yell at my kids for no good reason! That just tears me apart. But I can't stop myself. I am quick to apologize to them and remind them daddy loves them very much but doesn't feel good right now. Hey, good luck! Keep posting about it, it really does help however minimum it might be.

I feel ya, the sexual side effects were the worst for me on Paxil, the best antidepressant I've had is not even a pharmaceutical at all but this herb I've been taking, it works as an MOAI, like the kind of AD's they used in the 50's. The first time I took antipsychotics it made me pass out for 12 hours, second time I took them I couldn't sleep. Thanks for the response, I think you are the only person who read the original pissed off rant. I'm in the garage fixing some gears right now, I'll come back on later with a new thread with my revised version of what happened, from a not angry perspective.

I used to do the same thing to people I would get angry with them, yell/scream, pick fights, hurt them, do something impulsive and then afterwards realize it was foolish. Then after I cooled down I would apologize and tell them I didn't mean it. I grew up with angry parents, and grew up to be an angry man. We've got to break the cycle.

[Open Eyes]

Sounds like your "anger" waves can be pretty strong. If you can get so you realize the "anger wave" will subside you can learn go manage it better. I went through a period where the "anger" would just "pop out of me" and took me by surprise. I told my husband to do his best to ignore it because I realized the "only" way I could work on it was "back wards" because it came out before I "consciously" got angry if that makes sense.

I am way better than I used to be. Talk it out if you can, it is better than holding it in.

((Hugs)))
OE

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Sounds like your "anger" waves can be pretty strong. If you can get so you realize the "anger wave" will subside you can learn go manage it better. I went through a period where the "anger" would just "pop out of me" and took me by surprise. I told my husband to do his best to ignore it because I realized the "only" way I could work on it was "back wards" because it came out before I "consciously" got angry if that makes sense.

I am way better than I used to be. Talk it out if you can, it is better than holding it in.

((Hugs)))
OE

I have been managing it better, it just hurts to hold my anger in and not acting on my angry impulses. I totally agree I shouldn't have held back as much, but I think I might've violated some community guidelines in my original post and don't want to get kicked out of this site even though it feels like everyone hates me sometimes. When I was sitting at the park my anger did subside, or maybe it didn't? Maybe my anger just turned inwards and since I don't hurt myself so blatantly anymore I find otherwise to sabotage myself. Such as alcohol/drug use or being the only thing standing in the way of opportunities for myself. Even though deep down I know I 'deserve better' part of me still just loves to be miserable.

That makes sense on working on it backwards, coming on here and venting it helped a lot. Getting drunk helped as well, not that I recommend that to anybody. I was either going to get drunk or take a bunch of "knock you the **** out" pills and getting drunk sounded more fun. I also have to tell those around me to ignore my anger and not feed into it because it can escalate beyond anger if they play along too well.

Thanks for the support Open Eyes