[Rio_]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/d...00/2543277.stm

It was 10 years ago!
Wasn't my year
Hardly saw a thing
The year below are fine
Shouldn't still be thinking about it
What have I got to be upset about?
People at school have lost friends and relatives - I didn't lose anyone
If they knew they'd hate me
What's wrong with me?



(Sorry if this is the wrong board - I don't think I have PTSD but couldn't think of anywhere else to post it. )

[Perna]

There is no "should" in what bothers us. I would think it was extremely scary to be any part of that school! I worked at the Pentagon in the 1970's and the 9/11/01 attack on it, I knew the location the plane hit well/right away, bothered me (more than the New York ones).

I think having any sorts of associations with "safety" and parts of our lives that change as a result of something so horrible can easily jar us; are lives are "normal" and then the possibility of disaster coming into our lives that we can't control comes up.

(((((Rio))))) Take care of/be good to yourself. Think of some way to comfort yourself in the here and now.

[Rio_]

((((Perna))) Thanks for your reply. I want to be able to forget, to stop thinking about it, but I can't. Normally it's just at the back of my mind, but for some reason it's been bad for most of the weekend...I don't know why.

[Numbers]

some things you just never forget, it isn't wrong just shows that you have a sense of feeling.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Is_this_the_right_place. I guess not caring at all would be worse than caring too much.

[(JD)]

Anytime we experience a trauma..whether directly or indirectly...if we fear because of it...then it changes us. If the fear is overwhelming, then it can result in ptsd,imo.

Events like this should not be stuffed down inside. You need to talk about this, and these things. If you can't find someone IRL, then begin sharing more here... like you did...sharing how you feel others would hate you if they knew you didn't lose anyone... why would they hate you? Do you feel you should have died instead? That's a common feeling for those who don't feel worthy of life.. imo.

I think you picked the perfect spot to discuss this. TC!

[pegasus]

(((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))

Feeling guilty about surviving is one of the symptoms of PTSD.

It obviously upset you at the time but possibly you were unable to deal with it back then.

It would be helpful for you to talk about this with someone. They sure would understand.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Sky. I don't think I can talk about it in real life - it makes my friends uncomfortable and I don't think my parents like talking about it either (don't blame them). Plus, I can't say its name - I always end up calling it "the Dunblane thing" if I do have to talk about it. Writing is easier, though.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sharing how you feel others would hate you if they knew you didn't lose anyone... why would they hate you? Do you feel you should have died instead? That's a common feeling for those who don't feel worthy of life.. imo.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> It's not that I think I should have died instead, it's that I don't feel I have any right to be upset, and I think they'd be angry if they knew I was. It's an insult to what they went through, if that makes sense.

[Rio_]

(((((pegasus))))) Thanks for your reply. Like I said to Sky, I don't feel guilty about surviving - I feel guilty about being upset, when I don't think I have a reason to. I don't even remember being upset when it happened - a remember actually feeling happy because I thought I was getting a day off school! (I was only 6, though - I didn't have a clue what was going on, and I didn't find out the details until later. Being stupid enough to look it up on Google and Wikipedia made things worse, I'm sure.)

[pegasus]

((((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))))

Please go easy on yourself.

You were only 6 years old. It is very difficult for children to deal with trauma at the time.

I still think it would be a good idea for you to speak to a professional. Your GP may be able to help and organise some counselling.

Take care.

[Rio_]

((((((pegasus)))))) Thanks. I'm actually going to be visiting the doctor soon because of a different problem, but I could try asking about that at the same time. I probably should ask if they've got any advice about trichotillomania as well...hope that's not too much to bring up in one appointment!

[pegasus]

((((((((((((( Rio ))))))))))))))

Good luck with that. Maybe if you write it down and show the doctor, it will be easier for you.

Let me know how you get on.

Take care.

[Rio_]

((((((pegasus)))))) Thanks! I managed to tell mum about my trich today, but I couldn't tell her about my thoughts on Dunblane as well. She agrees that getting therapy to try and stop me pulling my hair might be a good idea, though...if I do manage to find a therapist for that, would I be able to tell them about Dunblane, too? Or would I have to see someone different?

[pegasus]

((((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))))

Your doctor should be able to point you in the right direction.

In counselling/therapy you can talk about what ever you want to talk about. The therapist is there to help you.

Most therapists are trained in dealing with trauma and the effect it has on the client.

Glad to hear that you have your Mum for support too.

Take care.

[Rio_]

((((((pegasus)))))) Thanks, I hope so. That's good you're not restricted on what you talk about in therapy. I'm glad mum's being supportive as well - I wasn't sure how she'd react.

[Rapunzel]

Actually, if you are having these strong feelings about Dunblane, there is probably some connection between that and the trich. Treating one will most likely involve treating the other along with it. Please tell your counselor about both, and anything else that you have strong feelings about. They need to have all of the pieces of the puzzle so that they can be the most help to you. And, yes, the same person can help with both.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Rapunzel. I've wondered if my trich is connected to this as well. I'll certainly try and tell my doctor about it...I'm not sure how easy it's going to be, I still feel guilty about having these thoughts, but it's not as bad as it was...maybe it'll be ok. I'll do my best!

[alisandria]

(((rio))) I think you will feel a whole lot better once you can talk about this with someone that can guide you in the healing direction. I agree, don't be so hard on yourself, you were six years old and trying to process this...it's weird how stuff so early on in our lives can be held so tightly, and stored so deeply in our minds it never dawns on us that it still affects us today. I'm really glad your mum is being so supportive...wtg ((mum)))!!!!

hugs Lisa

[Rio_]

((((alisandria)))) Thanks for replying. I hope talking about it in therapy will help as well...it hasn't been as bad since I started this thread, at least.

[pegasus]

Still thinking of you.

(((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))

Let us know how you are.

[Rio_]

((((((pegasus)))))) Thanks. I'm doing ok - I think talking here helped, I haven't been thinking about it so much. But I'll still talk to the doctor - the appointment's on Monday, I'll let you know how it goes!

[JustAPixie]

This sort of trauma will always be part of you... but like someone once told me...
When you get hurt there is a wound and it hurts... everytime you touch it, it hurts, but it does heal eventually and you are left with a scar... but the scar doesn't hurt at all, although it reminds you of the injury.

[Rio_]

Thanks, TanyaGrave! I hadn't thought of it like that before.

[(JD)]

Rio, how did the session go? Hope you are doing ok!

[Rio_]

The session went pretty well, thanks! The doctor said she'd refer me to a psychologist, although it might be a few months before I can see someone. I made a thread about it here.