[falsememory7]

So, when I was younger, I was sexually taken advantage of for 6-7 years by a very intimate family member. After a couple years of therapy, and quitting my self-harming (cutting, etc.) addiction, I've finally gotten some control over my anxiety, depression and flashbacks, and had sex *willingly* for the first time to this guy that I've been seeing for about a month. I feel happy that I've been comfortable enough to do this after 8 years, but I'm also scared as to where this leads. I've never been intimate with anyone before, let alone emotionally attached, and I'm scared that opening myself and my heart will also open up my past, and erase all of the progress that I've made so far to becoming happy. I know that PTSD and Depression can't be gotten rid of, but simply managed, and I've had days where I felt deeper in depression than ever before, but I can deal with it better. For anyone else who has PTSD, or has been r**ed, have you ever let someone in close to you? I'M SO SCARED, and I feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm so scared.

[tinyrabbit]

I met my lovely husband before I realised I had PTSD, and we were together for four years before I started remembering stuff that happened in adulthood and then in childhood. So my story is a little different.

I'm not sure PTSD can be got rid of altogether. I don't believe it's impossible. Either way, I think it's possible to undergo real healing and live a more contented life, if you can process the trauma and grieve your losses. (I haven't done these things yet, but I hope to.)

I would recommend therapy or counselling. I would also recommend the following books, some from first-hand experience and some because others speak highly of them:

Resurrection After Rape - Healing from sexual assault trauma (you can download this free, I've read a bit of it and it seems really good)

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis (I haven't read this but many people recommend it)

Dear Sexual Abuse Survivor: This is the guide I wish someone had written for me by Sylvia Fraser (I've started this and it seems good so far)

Can I ask if you think any of the fear is coming from the guy you're seeing? Do you feel happy about how the relationship is going? It's hard to answer without knowing this.

I'm sorry for the harm that was done to you.

[falsememory7]

Thanks tinyrabbit, I think some of it could be from the guy that I'm seeing - I feel like the relationship isn't as mutual as I wish it would be, and my feelings for him are a lot stronger than his for mine. I think I'm scared most for loving and losing, to let him into my life, and not know if he's to stay. I'm not sure how I would be able to emotionally handle that - thanks so much for the book recommendations. I definitely will look at them. I didn't remember my experiences until a while after, as well, but may I ask, how did your memories affect your relationship with your husband? And how is it now? I have hope, but sometimes I'm just so afraid of the unknown, and letting someone truly know me.

[tinyrabbit]

We already had a pretty strong relatonship, and he's a very sensitive, compassionate person, so he's been able to be there for me. It's had a very negative affect on some aspects of our relationship that, how to put it, I can't cope with doing right now, but has brought us closer emotionally.

[falsememory7]

Thanks so much tiny rabbit, I'm planning on checking out your blog as well. Thanks so much for the advice, you have no idea how much it has helped me <3

[tinyrabbit]

I suspect my blog may trigger more than it helps. But you are welcome - I hope the books help. I honestly believe things can get better for you.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by falsememory7

So, when I was younger, I was sexually taken advantage of for 6-7 years by a very intimate family member. After a couple years of therapy, and quitting my self-harming (cutting, etc.) addiction, I've finally gotten some control over my anxiety, depression and flashbacks, and had sex *willingly* for the first time to this guy that I've been seeing for about a month. I feel happy that I've been comfortable enough to do this after 8 years, but I'm also scared as to where this leads. I've never been intimate with anyone before, let alone emotionally attached, and I'm scared that opening myself and my heart will also open up my past, and erase all of the progress that I've made so far to becoming happy. I know that PTSD and Depression can't be gotten rid of, but simply managed, and I've had days where I felt deeper in depression than ever before, but I can deal with it better. For anyone else who has PTSD, or has been r**ed, have you ever let someone in close to you? I'M SO SCARED, and I feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm so scared.

That's a big step for you (((falsememory7)))

Only advice I have for this is a word of caution, don't open up to him too much, too soon. I made this big mistake several times and it just pushes them away. Its best to just put on your best face until you are closer, and known each other for longer. Once you get to know them better, they are much more understanding of your story and instead of pushing them away, it draws them closer. Because they realize that you are being vulnerable, and may let you in on some things that happened to them in the past.

Hope this helps and wish you best of luck in your new relationship!

[falsememory7]

Thanks so much, Healing, for your advice. As a matter of fact, right now I'm having a hard time because of my "relationship" with the guy - so far, it's been more of a "friends with benefits" kind of thing, which has really affected my self-esteem... I'm a person who really keeps to themselves, and internalizes things, so even posting this here at PC was really difficult for me. In some ways, I can't believe that I was able to let this guy become so close to me, and it feels really incredible. However, we just had an argument yesterday, about how he doesn't want a serious relationship, and (because of a 4-year age difference) said that I'm very immature because of my age. My heart is telling me that he's also nervous about getting too close to me, however some of the things that he said really hurt me. A few other things he brought up was him still being in love with his ex-girlfriend and talking everyday to her, and why he and I wouldn't work in a serious relationship together. I haven't told him the experiences that I've been through, except that before I considered myself a virgin, although my body was not. He knows that I've never had any close friends who know everything about me, except for my big brother who has taken care of me in my darkest times, but his response was "You not letting people close to you is a decision, and immature. It was nothing to deal with your experiences, but of your age and immaturity." Before, I liked this guy more than I have ever liked anyone else... but it seems like after sex, he's changing more and more into someone that I don't know. I'm so scared.

[HealingNSuffering]

No problem ((((falsememory7))))

Sorry to hear about this experience, it sounds like its really hard for you. I'm not going to lie I would be devastated to. I think that's actually him showing his own immaturity about the age difference, age is just a number, life is too short to be concerned with such trivial things. That was really crappy thing for him to say, I would feel so used. He sounds like he has his own set of issues though, going back to his ex is surely a sign of his own weakness, immaturity and indecisiveness. Sorry to say this, but he probably wasn't the ideal partner for you anyways, he sounds like a real <insert insult here>. I think the reason he just made me angry reading this, is because it reminds me of my own stupid mistake I made many years ago.

The fact that he's changing so much tells me he is a manipulative person, hides behind a mask and was being very hurtful to you during this argument. He was probably inhibiting some of his rage, and could potentially get a lot worse later. If I was in your shoes I would try to let go of him, I know its hard now, but it only gets harder with time. I've been avoiding relationships for years because my last one was so traumatic, when I talk about it in therapy I start trembling and get extremely anxious. I hope you find the strength to overcome this very hurtful situation you are in right now my friend.

[falsememory7]

Wow, thanks so much Healing. That really means so much... the last week has been really terrible for me. It's been triggering, and all of these things just seemed to pile on top of each other - I tried talking to my parents (we have a close relationship), but my dad made me feel unworthy, dirty, and like a slut. I have a few friends where I am, however I've never had close friends where I felt comfortable enough to talk to them about my personal issues (such as this), and I just felt myself slipping away... I'm so glad I'm here at PC, and I have you as my friend Healing, because even after my years of counseling and therapy, this is the first time I want to talk - need to talk - and crave friendship. I'm tired of being so alone.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. You are NOT any of those things!

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by falsememory7

Wow, thanks so much Healing. That really means so much... the last week has been really terrible for me. It's been triggering, and all of these things just seemed to pile on top of each other - I tried talking to my parents (we have a close relationship), but my dad made me feel unworthy, dirty, and like a slut. I have a few friends where I am, however I've never had close friends where I felt comfortable enough to talk to them about my personal issues (such as this), and I just felt myself slipping away... I'm so glad I'm here at PC, and I have you as my friend Healing, because even after my years of counseling and therapy, this is the first time I want to talk - need to talk - and crave friendship. I'm tired of being so alone.

Awww I feel for you I've had a rough week to. I know what you mean how it seems to pile on top of each other and how it seems like one trigger sets off a chain reaction of hurt. The saying goes "when it rains it pours" rings so true to me all too often. I'm so sorry your dad made you feel that way, I've been in the same situation before, trying to talk to my family about my problems has been hurtful. I can certainly relate to what you are going through right now, I think they just don't have a clue what its like to suffer in such a way. Those things he said about you are so untrue, I hope he didn't directly call you that because those are fighting words. I also know what you mean about how friends can be very unhelpful with issues like this to. Its nice to have some place you can come and vent all these issues off your chest, and get support from people who know what its like I agree 100%.

Thank you for being such a nice person (((falsememory7))) I can also relate on the friendship ordeal. I need friends to, I avoided so much I trapped myself into my own comfort zone for so long I feel like I lost everybody. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk more. I feel like I'm in a better place now and I am willing to help anyway I can. Hope you can feel better soon

[falsememory7]

Thank you so much, Tiny and Healing! I have still been going through a really rough time, and sometimes these negative thoughts and feelings continue to plague me, but your kind words have shined light during a dark time

[keaze77]

I'm sorry this guy turned into such a jerk! I agree I think what he said and his actions show how immature he is. He contradicted himself.. It is okay for you to have trusted him.. I feel that you felt that you were ready for a different relationship than the kind you are used to having with your romantic partners, that kind of relationship where you trust that person and get close to each other. . It was very brave of you to try it out with this guy. I hope this doesn't cause you to not be able to trust another one again. I know the healing process takes such a long time eapecially when it's your first time.

Originally Posted by falsememory7

Thanks so much, Healing, for your advice. As a matter of fact, right now I'm having a hard time because of my "relationship" with the guy - so far, it's been more of a "friends with benefits" kind of thing, whic[B[/B]h has really affected my self-esteem... I'm a person who really keeps to themselves, and internalizes things, so even posting this here at PC was really difficult for me. In some ways, I can't believe that I was able to let this guy become so close to me, and it feels really incredible. However, we just had an argument yesterday, about how he doesn't want a serious relationship, and (because of a 4-year age difference) said that I'm very immature because of my age. My heart is telling me that he's also nervous about getting too close to me, however some of the things that he said really hurt me. A few other things he brought up was him still being in love with his ex-girlfriend and talking everyday to her, and why he and I wouldn't work in a serious relationship together. I haven't told him the experiences that I've been through, except that before I considered myself a virgin, although my body was not. He knows that I've never had any close friends who know everything about me, except for my big brother who has taken care of me in my darkest times, but his response was "You not letting people close to you is a decision, and immature. It was nothing to deal with your experiences, but of your age and immaturity." Before, I liked this guy more than I have ever liked anyone else... but it seems like after sex, he's changing more and more into someone that I don't know. I'm so scared.

[falsememory7]

Thanks so much keaze i really hope that this situation doesn't make it difficult for me to trust again either, yet I think that it's just another stumbling block along the path - thanks so much for responding your advice really means so much to me, and it's really helped me during this healing process ugh... some days are so hard, you know? but i have hope that things always get better