[wisewoman]

well I guess tomorrow I go to the doc. It seems to be the only way I can figure stuff out with her as in is she safe or not? I know our last visit was horrid and threw me into a PTSD episode/setback that is still stinging.

I am doing P.T. I have indeed been taking pain pills, against her advice. (supposed to be for severe flare ups) What is daily pain? Oh that's right, my imagination. I am doing PT, wearing a tens, yet still pain.

I am afraid of tomorrow. I have to go to her ground. I must make sure no children are with me.

I just wish it were better. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I wish I knew I could trust. I feel horrid about the conversation with her nurse. Like I was being difficult. Geez, it does bother me what others think.

I have been little if not any support for people here lately. Seems I only want support for myself. I am in hopes that this will change, I will feel better. There is so much external stress as well. Oh, I can't even discuss it.

[lenjan]

It's OK to ask for support for yourself. We all need it from time to time. You have given plenty, especially to me -- time for you to get some back.

I'll think of you tomorrow and hope things go well. Let's pick a time and do it for each other -- I'm meeting a new T tomorrow and am anxious as all get-out.

((((((((((((WW))))))))))

Love, Candy

Love, Candy

[wisewoman]

I don't know my appoint time yet. Better be safe and think about me all day huh? I hope all goes well with the new T, follow your gut. What time am I sending YOU good vibes?

[lenjan]

You got it!

My appt. is at 4:15 pm Central (one hour behind you, I think).

[wisewoman]

I'll have your back.

[(JD)]

That's 5:15 pm Eastern Be adults and stand up for yourselves... don't cower to them. You don't have to be nasty or whine, but speak straightforward... they are there to help you. YOU are hiring them as consultants...you can take their advice or leave it, thankyouverymuch. Gal power!

[wisewoman]

Well, the visit with doc really sucked, she is quite angry with me and my PTSD reaction to her and the pain thing. She said I chose to react the way I did and seemed borderline to her. She claimed that her nurse has been on the phone on many occasions for long periods with me and I told her this was untrue. She stated that she would not take phone calls and doesn't return phone calls but that I would have to make an appointment and go in with any concerns. I was made out to be a royal B and demanding. The reality is that I spent two weeks on the phone with them trying to get daughter's Thyroid meds changed and that pissed the nurses off because they had told me that she was:"normal" I was trying to see what side of normal as she was still very ill. Doc ended up increasing her thyroid. Anyway this doc looked really upset and tired and kinda like she had bent over backward for me and I was being a pain in the butt. Angry too, that was obvious.

She told me that I could chose a different way for my brain to handle PTSD triggers. Okay, so I will flip a switch and be able to handle triggers just fine. That easy. Man I am so out of it I do not know what to do. I can't stand the situation and yet I am vulnerable. I need to find a new doc but live in a small community where there are very few. So then it's maybe putting up with the evils of there knowing I have a trust issue and just pushing through. They don't want me to call when daughter is off 1.5 hours away and ill? She needs close monitoring for blood work. I am hurt, confused, angry with myself, self destructive, you name it. Here is this pretty young doc sitting there telling me I am acting borderline and that she was going to lay down the way it was going to be. arghhh, think I'll take a ride off a cliff, oops, no life insurance to leave my family. Not a good move. How can people be so dumb sometimes? Self centered? errrrrrrrrr

[wisewoman]

excuse me while I rant and rave some more. Seems we want to have this disorder and if we didn't we could change it. Seems that it's a glorious thing to get people to pay attention to you because you have this and physical pain to boot. And of course the pain is related to the PTSD, not the fracture, not the broken tail bone, not the arthritis, not the degenerative disks.

We like getting attention and then we like to stab out at those who are helping us. It's because we get some sick joy from it. We like to be scared all of the time and wonder when the next boom will hit.

It really doesn't matter that I got the crap kicked out of me for being alive, I am supposed to maintain common acceptable behaviors at all times.

Don't trust is the rule here. I told her everything so she could help me and when I was triggered she got all weird on me and took it personally. I learned to take a different route, As my trunk grew so my leaves could reach the sky I was next to a strong fence pushing against me and I grew into and around it so the fence now runs through me. The wire lies side by side with my fiber and I have created pathways around the wire to get my sap flowing and feed myself. Yet, I am supposed to make new paths and pretend the fence is not there.

When I was 17 at camp chewonki in Wiscasset Maine I saw a tree with a fence grown through it. That tree wanted to thrive and reach the sun so it compromised and made it's self grow around the fence. It was a revolutionary sight for me as even in my subconscious I knew what it meant. I wish I had a picture of it.

I feel so hurt I want to explode. I am not turning it in, and I am not turning it toward her. She doesn't even know any better. Medicine has become a joke. Why wouldn't I call if I was afraid? Why wouldn't I call to advocate for my daughter to get the best treatment? They don't call back with answers so you keep calling and asking. I hate it. I want so much to be different.

[wisewoman]

DO I NEED TO SHOUT? I NEED HELP AND SUPPORT NOW. BTW< IT WAS LOCAL CRISIS WHO TOLD ME TO SHOUT TO GET SUPPORT

[lenjan]

(((((((WW))))))) sorry, sweetie. When I don't know what to say, I just don't say anything. Maybe everybody else is feeling the same way. I'm sorry you're going through all this, but that doesn't really help you any. I don't know how to do that.

[wisewoman]

You can't do anything but offer love and support. Thanks honey.

Hi...
first I am sending gentle ((((hugs))) ) your way.

You are mirroring the feelings that I have been feeling lately. I hope that it helps a little that you are most definetly not alone and that your post helped me a great deal.... I've been going to alot of specialists lately.. I too was up front with the doctors because I truly wanted and needed help....
The ENT doctor was really brutal in his assessment of me.
I was/am still very angry.

My pdoc and my best friend keep giving me moral support and courage to try different doctors. My best friend in particular gave me some "horror" stories of her own and she doesn't have PTSD. They both helped me to come to the conclusion that it wasn't my PTSD as much as it was an unflexible DR. Their words " you are too important to me to have you give up so get cracking".

I wanted so badly to quit after the ENT Dr. right then and there... But I am sooo miserable that I just couldn't. The PF dr had read the ENT's write-up and I thought here we go and we did... But I confronted him and he came around. The sleep clinic personal have been very kind to me. I still have to see the sleep specialist - but if he is unacceptant I refuse to feel bad.

I don't know if it helps but there are some decent DR's out there. When I lived in a small town, I was forced to drive a couple of hours to a larger town for doctors. I don't know if you have the resources to do that but that worked for me. It was very time consuming but it worked.

You can take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing for your daugther. I fought with doctors constantly for care of my son - he had a genetic problem with his lungs. At the time I got so tired out because I was battling my own health and mental issues. But I look back at it and I am proud of what I did and it brings me comfort. Doesn't do away with the anger but it makes me feel better that I didn't let the Dr's ignorance win out when dealing with me the MOM. I heard it all. One night I had jsut had a lump removed from my breast and my son's lung collapsed again. I took him to ER where the resident wanted to put a tube in and I said NO - he was fine til morning when the specialist could see him. Well the resident was so put out that he couldn't "practice" on my son that he refused to request a room. So there we laid on the same bed - my son on one end and me on the other. A nurse took pity - she said he was punishing us and then she proceed to "yell" at him. He did get us a bed but she paid a price and I did the next day by the specialist's resident taking me to task for putting in my two cents on my son's care.

More than anything I would like to give you the hope and support that you need right now. I hope that I haven't said anything that makes it worse.
Sincerely,
Lu

[wisewoman]

No Freewill, you make it more understood and I need to hear it. I can't help being hurt by my very own doc being such a B today. When it's our kids it's easier to be the protective mom. Thank you.

[wisewoman]

shameless bump I am going to try to write the whole story as I remember it. Maybe you all can offer suggestions.

[(JD)]

((((hugs))) Now you KNOW much of what you say about "just" is just not rational thought!

That the doctor became angry is HER problem. Too bad she can't deal with what you have to live with!

Maintain the status quo... yes, advocating for yourself, doing good self care is NOT easy, or everyone would be doing it!

While finding another doctor might be an option, try to work out the relationship with this one first. Now that it's come to a boil, it might simmer back down some?

Make a list of what you need and what you expect. Apologize for previous misunderstandings, explain how you are working on your triggers (and if they don't understand that is their ignorance, it can't change your course of treatment.) Try to regroup and begin again. Have an adult conversation with this information.. hopefully you both will be able to remain calm and agree to work together on it.

I tell ya ww, I sware (if I did) that my MD has TRIED to get me to leave so she wouldn't have to treat me for my pain... but I'm not budging!