Desperatly need feedback on memories

I've been having a really bad intrusive memory of my mom abusing me when I was about 4. I always had this memory but could never understand it because there were no details. I have horrible headaches, anxiety, and very irritable now. I know therapy triggered this. I know my mom was a neglectful and abusive. But this? I'm having trouble accepting what's coming up.

I'm hoping and praying it's not real because I don't know how to deal with it. I won't see my T for 2 weeks. I emailed him to tell him about it and he wasn't much help.

Sorry to hear you are having such a painful memory. Only you will know if this memory is a true recollection of what happened. Until you get to process this with your T again I would suggest some distraction and self soothing for your mind. Also if it is indeed real, therapy will help you deal with it, you will surprise yourself at how strong you will be. Thing is you won't have any choice but to deal with it, so you will. Do some kind things for yourself these next two weeks, you deserve a break from the worries

(((Skywhite))),

You are beginning to experience flashbacks and emotional flashbacks. Yes, I know they are scary and confusing. But you are going to be "ok". When these happen it is important to understand they are usually not very long and while we cannot really stop them, we can realize that when they happen they come in like a wave and last for a bit but they also always recede like a wave does too and they stop. After they happen, make sure you touch things around you so that you realize that what just happened is not "now" but at a different time in your life. You need to learn to bring yourself slowly back to the present. After you experience a flashback it takes the conscious mind time to figure it out and this can take some time, but don't let that scare you because nothing that comes forward can hurt you, it is already something you survived and you really are "ok" now. Sometimes if you were a child, after it recedes you might cry and still feel that child there, it's ok, still touch things around you be loving to yourself, that will help that lost child part you are remembering ok?

Past events are storred in different areas of the brain, some of these areas do not have language to them. Things like smells and sounds and some physical feelings. As these old memories surface, you will feel them like they are now, but they are not, you need to keep reminding yourself of that. Also it can take time for an entire event to come forward where your conscious mind can remember it all too. People are not used to having that happen and it scares them, but don't be afraid, it wont hurt you. What you will learn is that when you slowly put the pieces together and understand them better, you can finally process them correctly and that way whatever it is will just become stored as a memory eventually and not cause you to react or feel the way you do when they first come forward.

Ok, so far you have been able to identify your age when this took place, that is a good start. That also means that what comes forward will be of what a child that age will feel and think too. It will take time for your more grown up mind to understand that better and also learn to "comfort" that child part of you and finally get the nurturing you did not get back then. Just remember, whatever it is has an unment need, and it is ok for that to come forward because you can finally address it better "now" verses the time that it happened.

This is not some ghost/haunting/or punishment so do not think of it in that way. And it isn't any kind of punishment either. It is something that is just coming forward for you to finally address and process and "heal" from. So when it happens, make sure you touch things in your present to remind you where you really are and that you really are ok.

You can also keep a journal and write down anything you realize about the flashback, for example, you realize you are around age 4, that goes in that journal and you can talk about it with your therapist. If your therapist isn't present, remember, you can always come here and talk it out too. Talking it out is always good, it helps with the healing and staying in the present as well as helping you calm down again. Typically in a flashback we do not see ourselves, what we do see is our environment other people sometimes and how we feel at the time. For example, one of my flashbacks put me right into running through doors and I was very frightened and trying to get away. I only saw the doors and I did not see myself, but I did know I was running through the doors. Then the flashback faded but I was still upset and very confused. I was actually at my parents house when that happened and after the flashback happened I went upstairs where the doors were and I touched them and looked at them and in the present I was not running through them. After a little while I was able to consciously figure out that I was being chased by my older brother, I didn't see him in the flashback, but I was too busy in the flashback and when it did happen to actually see him, but I did know he was chasing me. I was able to put that event together and understand it and also remember many times when he chased me, and it also made me realize why doors opening and closing always triggered me and I even had a startle response to doors opening and closing too. I didn't know that about myself, and I was sensitive to doors, but didn't know why, now I know. It is not hurting me in the now, it all happened long ago and I am safe and now as an adult I understand it, and I remember it, but no longer have that flashback haunting me, now it is just a memory.

So, I hope that helps you understand better so that you don't panic now because these can be scary, but they are not going to hurt you "now", you already survived it, you just need to finally process it.

((Gentle Comforting Hugs)))
OE

Dear Skywhite, Does your mental health facility have any drop in, emergency counseling? I see you posted this earlier - I hope you have found some help or someone to speak with in the interim. I hope posting here has been helpful.

Thank you so much OE. Your post puts things in better perspective. Although this has been surfacing for a few months, it seems to be rushing in like a tsunami now. I have had a couple of nightmares recently (I don't normally have nightmares) and very uncomfortable physical responses - headaches, queasy stomach, muscle pain - and the body doesn't lie, so I'm trying to accept that the abuse did happen. I also can't even verbalize it fully yet. I know I was abused in other ways but this is over the top.

Thanks Verity81 I've had a couple of nightmares recently (I don't normally have nightmares) and very uncomfortable physical responses - headaches, queasy stomach, muscle pain - and the body doesn't lie, so I'm trying to accept that the abuse did happen. Self soothing and distraction is exactly what I've been trying to do. 12 more days until I see my T. I have to take this a day at a time I guess.

((Skywhite)), the headaches and the queasy stomach as well as the muscle pain are most likely coming from the anxiety/cortisol build up taking place. I had that too when flashbacks were beginning to come forward. These symptoms are not necessarily coming from childhood abuse or your past. I think with the flashbacks you got scared and feed into the anxiety or fight/flight response. When flashbacks and triggers happen they are very unsettling and it takes time to calm down after they happen. You can always come here and type things out if you need to, I found that talking it out after I experienced them with someone "knowing and understanding" helped me a lot.

My T told me this past session actually, that he has had patients have flashbacks right in front of him. He knows to be patient and wait and to help the patient calm down and be in the now and talk if they need to. Just remember they only last for a little bit and they always just slowly go away. What I learned about PTSD is that sometimes I just needed to let go and allow my conscious mind to figure it out "after".

We are used to having things happen, process them as they happen and be able to have some control. With PTSD, there are times when the events and responses come from the subconscious mind first and the person is confused by that as it's different. I went for a while where if I got triggered, I would respond yet backwards, not where I would decide to be angry and respond, but the reverse where the anger and response came first, just came out and the only thing I could do is think about it "consciously" afterwards.

The "key" is learning to be patient when this happens, it isn't supposed to or meant to be punishment, always remember that, it is just things that you pushed aside because it was not something you had the ability to know what to do with at the time. A four year old can be frightened or confused or feel threatened somehow, but not know what to do about it, so their brain just pushes it in the background, we are designed that way so we can keep thriving. Now that you are older, you can process these old challenges and they tell a story that you can finally connect to understanding yourself better too.

By the way, early on when I joined PC I met someone who had BPD and I didn't quite understand it. I asked my T about it and my T told me that he doesn't like that diagnosis and often people who have it were traumatized or badly neglected when they were children. He told me that he has treated many patients with it and once they go through their past and sort everything out, and how it affected them, they do much better.

I think it would be really good for you to have a journal. I did that differently, I did that in my mind, but I also learned a lot when I interacted with others at PC. I was really challenged for a while, and I used to review everything I said or how I responded in PC every day. Sometimes someone would say some thing and I would read it wrong, and get triggered and react. I would get a response that was not always understanding, but I would review everything and reread what I reacted to and could see how I misunderstood it or did not see it the way it really was. Slowly, I began to see the trigger, what it connected to in my past or a trauma, and I would get more of something I did not realize was there too, part of a memory piece. Ugh, it was so hard to explain to people too.

My point is that to just pay attention to yourself because sometimes a "trigger" or an angry response you give or a bad reaction is also a piece of the puzzle that may not be in the flashback. That is because of how our brains store our experiences in different places in the brain. After a while you will begin to see how it is connected so be patient, you are not really losing your mind. Make sure you eat right and get rest and be very "patient" with yourself. Just because you have a PTSD symptom, doesn't mean you should just feed into it. Take time outs, learn how to self sooth, and find mundane things to do that will actually send a message to your brain that there is no "real" emergency so there is no need to keep producing cortisol or adrenaline, the brain will stop doing that and whatever is there will get released in the body, and viola, your brain will feel clear again.

Some people use coloring books, because that is mundane and nothing to show harm or alarm and the brain will stop revving up and you will begin to feel better. Some people swear by meditation because that just also cancels out the need for fight/flight. I might get the chills, and that is also very common, so I just go up and sit in my bed and blow the hair dryer on my legs and arms and warm my body and the sound of the hairdryer also is soothing and it relaxes me. I do that before bed too so I can get under the covers more relaxed. I also do that if I wake up in a flashback all upset, I find it relaxes me again and I can go back to sleep. If I am having a hard day or period where I keep feeling short tempered and frustrated, I will take a time out, go to my bedroom might do the hairdryer and then get comfy and just let my mind relax, I may still have thoughts going on but I just slow down and after anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes my mind clears and I can get back up and finish my day again.

It is important to establish a place where you can go when you are struggling and your husband knows you are doing a time out and not to disturb you. That is what is called "establishing a safe place". What I have described above are "my self soothing methods". You can try some of mine or develop your own, just do not self harm, that is not allowed in self soothing IMHO. Finding what works for you, learning to allow yourself to do them when needed, will really make a difference in helping as you go along the path of therapy and addressing your past so you can resolve whatever you need to resolve in your mind.

Hope that helps too SkyWhite

((Hugs)))
OE

I've been keeping a journal. It's a bit of a mess, but it's helped me put some of the pieces together about myself. I'm new to all of this and still learning. I've only been on PC for a few days and it's been an excellent lifeline for me.

Oh, I am glad to hear that PC has been such a good supportive place for you. Yes, there are many very nice members here at PC.

Don't worry about the journal being a mess, it's ok, just jotting stuff down is all you need to do, messy is fine.

((Hugs))
OE

Even one moment at a time if you need to. Keep being kind to yourself.

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