gidted womwn think they are freaks.

I hope I don't get in trouble for derailing this thread but I just can't help it. I was thinking~ I'm not gifted but I've been gifted. I've gifted myself to my husband. I'm not even going to jump into talking about being a freak though. that would be inappropriate.

I tried to go back and read what I missed but every time I seen the word gifted, the image wasn't fitting. It was like those old mad libs. kind. just needs an imagination.

Could not help myself .... Vol 1
http://forums.psychcentral.com/pictu...ictureid=45421

Yes.
U
That's what I mean.

In all seriousness, in elementary school I knew I was different and I thought people praised me for being intelligent (the worst thing to do!) Were trying to build up my self esteem because I was hopelessly intellectually disabled. No joke.

I was always listening to adult conversations. I heard adults tell the story about the teachers who mixed up the list of IQ scores with student locked numbers. End of year the dtudents with higber locked numbers had better grades and reports. Get It? I concluded that my patente and teachers were attempting to treat my retardation by bolstering my confidence. Tell her shes very intelligent and hope for placebo effect..

Its real normal for is to feel and think that.

It is an ironically sad word.

Its a dumb word. Who can say she's "not gifted"? Thats why teachers say we are all differently gifted which is true. But doesnt help the conversation about how do we teach unusually. Intelligent children with odd development asychnronicities so they can be healthy too.

And of course, a freaky female is a gift. Your husband knows.

Bahaha!

Can you embed?

"Were trying to build up my self esteem because I was hopelessly intellectually disabled. No joke." quote Teacake

You were not intellectually disabled really, you just didn't learn the way they were teaching you. You are "self taught" on a lot of things, you figured out how to learn "your way".

I raised a daughter who had a high IQ, but she did not learn and process information the way others learned. I was lucky that at the time I had access to a study taking place by Yale and they were able to explain to me how her brain works and where her weak areas are. I read to her as soon as she could hold her head up practically. Her cognitive skills were off the charts. I thought she was reading because she remembered every word on a page, she was not reading, she was memorizing everything. So, that is how I helped her learn, everything she was learning we would work together on creating a story around whatever it was, it helped her process and memorize whatever she needed to learn. She cannot remember 9 things, but she can remember 9 things three things at a time, (1,2,3) and (4,5,6) and (7,8,9). Younger than age one she had the entire alphabet memorized, but just the song of it, the story of it, not really each letter of it. Most dyslexics don't like to read, she does, she always wanted to read like mommy did and hear those amazing stories in those books all by herself in her own mind. Formulas, she memorized formulas, that is like memorizing the stories of long ago that I always read to her and taught her how to learn by seeing everything as a story, which is a formula.

She doesn't like clutter, why, because it is too much to organize. Ugh, my husband is the opposite, he clutters and collects and his stuff is everywhere. But, because he has compulsive ADHD, he "can" be good at cleaning and organizing, his brain battles that way constantly, what a curse to be that way huh?

If you read the depositions they did for the opposing side, you will see how they do not remember like I do, they just don't and pushing them to do so doesn't bode well because they simply do not have a sense of "time" like I do and they never did nor will they ever.

Telling someone they are smart doesn't cut it, I hear you, you have to show them how they are smart, not like you, but the way they "can" do it. I learned that so long ago when I was the only one that decided to see if my brother "could" instead of telling him how much he could not. I do not know "how" I knew that at such a young age either, I just did. But, I could not "fix" what EVERYONE else kept breaking and yes, he would rage and I would have to run. I kept the secret only because if I told, then he would only be punished even more.

I was often too tired in school after that horrible bus ride. So, Teacake, in many ways I am self taught too. I "do" know about the grieving of "what if" someone really saw and took the time, what if, because I could have been so much more.

OE

"Sorrynfornthe streambof consciousness blog. Im suffering here. Writing helps me clarify and you may know the feeling of...sometimes we have to say It to someone." quote Teacake

Yes, putting it down into words "helps" but it is a challenge to put it all together in words to come out where others can understand it for "the need" that is being expressed. For someone with PTSD, it can take a lot of courage in hopes that others will not see it wrong and stomp on it somehow. People who struggle with PTSD are notoriously misunderstood by others.

OE

Just bump, for making me laugh, when I needed It most, ya inappropriate freak.

OE, have you thought about writing this S a memoir? Or pitching It to a filmmaker? It is a compelling story. I'm not meaning to depersonalise you. I'm in a weird place. Several times reading your story I've thought It would make a wonderful film. There are so many "scenes". You write visually. Your stories are visual. At least I see them as I read them. They have that mythic archetypal quality. The gentle sister teaching the tormented brother but having to hide from his rage,A ll together It is an allegory of the feminine taming and cultivating, in the throes of all this chaos and destruction and stupidity.

Have you considered that telling and retelling may be a creative urge at least as much as It is an attmwmpt to heal yourself? I'm pretty sure telling doesnt heal. It warns. It informs. We tell it for others. It's how we culture our society. I believe we are built to be as much for others as for ourselves. We come from long lines I'd people who survived because their traumatised had a press to talk about it.

I'm rambling when I should be doing something. I'm with your daughter on clutter being too much. It makes life sticky and difficult.

I have been told I should write a book, or several actually, oh the things I have seen and experienced.

I didn't want to write about it all because what I write could "hurt" others who do not deserve to hurt, at least that is how I feel. It is the same reason I did not include the PTSD in my case too.

I have other big hurts that I have not shared here because I don't want if by chance others to see what I write or say or tell.

My T always tells me how vividly I describe things and he can tell I can see them all very vividly in my mind too. I thought it was like that for everyone, apparently that is not true, I dream very vividly "in color" too.

I think you are wrong, I think "telling" is healing, it helped me, but it has to be with someone who knows how to listen, and that can be hard to find. Actually, that was shown in the movie I like so much Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams character had it right, he knew he had to "wait" until Will talked "first". That is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time, most movies now are garbage IMHO.

OE

I was the only child of the three that got to courage up to know my father better. One day I just climbed onto his lap and chatted and cuddled him. I remember how my sister and brother would never do that, even thought I was nuts really. The thing is, it worked, and I grew to understand him so much better, I realized he had needs, loved to be loved, but didn't know how to show it to others. When Robin Williams talked about "the little imperfect things and peccadillo's about people that only is seen by really being in their space? I saw that about people, and I began to make cards for them showing these little things about them that "were" them. However, it was always meant in loving ways, yet also "comical" too. It was really about reaching into that child part of them, something they would find touching and yet be able to laugh at too.

When I got older, I kept on making time to get to know my father. I realized he really didn't have anyone to do that with either. We used to go out in his boat and he loved to revisit all these places he grew up with when he was young that revolved around an island. I slowly learned all about my grandfather, a man I had never met because he had died fairly young from a heart attack in my father's arms. My grandfather was a very talented man, good at many things too and was in both world wars. My grandfather loved being a pilot, but did not like the water. My father was the opposite, he just loved the water and boats. My father talked about how my grandfather was a really nice man, but a mean drunk. Well, I think he was abusive when he was drunk and that is why my father's mother left, just went away without saying goodbye to her two children too.

I was out with him one night and this was long after my brother got through school and even college and was out on his own and doing really well actually. He would always call here and there to tell my father how "well" he was doing, making so much more money than my father too.

When I had that time to talk, there was more known about challenged children and how they needed more help. My father had a couple of beers and he finally was able to talk about his regrets when it came to my brother. He talked about the things he should have done for my brother but didn't too. And I saw him begin to weep. I am so glad that happened because it gave me a chance to help him understand what he needed to do "now".

I told him that he cannot change all the bad, but, my brother would be coming back and checking in with him for the rest of his life. I told him that my brother would need to keep telling him about his achievements, and my father would need to keep rewarding him with praise. I told him that my brother would also come at him with anger and resentments too, and that my father would have to make sure "not" to defend himself with excuses, but to instead, listen and validate whatever pain my brother needed to express, even if it came out in anger and was "mean".

I told him, that he was not a "father" when my brother was young, but he can be a father in the now, and to understand what my brother is going to keep needing from him and how, even if there is anger and resentments, do not fight back, but give. If you feel bad about not going to his football games or other times when you should have been there for him, tell him you were wrong and you are sorry, and expect him to express anger and resentments and do "not" fight back but agree and just keep saying you are sorry.

I was right, and to this day, my older brother still checks in and often needs to express his anger. My father is approaching 90, and he probably doesn't do as well with validating, but at least my brother came to visit him and got to see for himself, that while the voice on the phone sounds the same, the man is now very old and often fragile and forgetful. This time my brother was much kinder and maybe he is more at peace, I hope so.

I am so glad I got to have that moment with my father and "listen" and have a chance to help him understand the father he needed to be now and for as long as he lived.

"Listening" is so important, so many need to understand how to "listen". Yes, we live in a world of labels, everyone has some kind of label, everyone has faults too, but often they don't mean to.

OE

I am glad I am "gifted". Duller girls would not have been traumatised as I was. That is true. Bit they do get traumatised and not too many really survive. There is a lot of pain and a lot of trauma broken life out there. Ive seen it.

Even If my life wont be anything like my "birthright life" (what a funny concept) I can he happy helping anyone avoid living a trauma broken life like living on the bottom of a grave. No one (buf five
oons and one attachment disorder college roommate) deserves that.

Teacake, what did these men show you "protecting you" but not really "being there for you" and how you have viewed the women around them, that has something to do with your father and mother?

When you were "with" one of them you talk about his confusion about you, taking you in, yet confused at the same time as to how you were different from what they knew.

If you had a daughter instead of a son, would you have known how to fill "her" needs as you had for your son?

There is an ongoing theme to your puzzle that you keep hitting road blocks with.

If the ballet dancers you wanted to shut out were men, would have felt the same way? Or, would you have felt "safer" with them being there?

In "different ways" both women "and" men let you down in your life. Why, is it so hard for you to ask your son for help?
You have said he "could", he is secure enough, but you don't want to go there with him.

OE

I haven't read much of this thread as many of your threads have a similar theme. However, I can't help but wonder if you are actively working at using CBT and DBT skills. I think that what you write is indicative of someone who has not/does not/chooses not to use these skills.

The mujahedden were all men. They had no women in the house. They were a different generation, and a different culture. They were probably soldiers raising money. I had no idea who they were at the time and was unaware of the Islamic revival. I didn't think about them that much. I reacted to them.

The one who was so nervous...I am not nice to laugh at his distress. He was a young religious man living without women and I was an egghead who was naive about my own beauty. I was attractive and natural as a child, no makeup and jeans and flimsy little shirts.

His culture was different and I was young. I wish both that I had kissed his nose and that I had been more culturally sensitive.

The ballet dancers from the Bolshoi were a married couple.

I have always been glad my son is a boy. I wasn't equipped to raise a gifted girl in the family that was so destructive to me.

Married couples didn't help you the way you needed though, your parents were dysfunctional towards you.

It would make sense that you would feel a sense of naive safety in a atmosphere of men. Your father never hurt you, so you didn't really have any subconscious warnings in that respect. You were just young, like any young girl appreciating the attention.

This isn't a test of IQ or giftedness, it is just looking at what is there that you may just not really see that haunts you. It is your own puzzle really, but it sure does haunt you. You got caught up in things you had no way of understanding. It worries me that you have such dark thoughts about it. I have experienced that myself so I am truly sorry you struggle that way.

Talking about it only retraumatizes if you don't have someone who can hear you the way you need them to. It isn't "just" about telling the story, it is having the right person who can help you resolve it the way "you" need to have them help you.

When you talk about it, it is very broken up can you see that? I am sure it is very vivid and emotionally challenging to you when you try to talk about it too. You also bounce from one thing to the next, makes sense to you, but hard to put together for the listener.

In the throws of it, it is very easy to think of it as a "manic" episode too. It depends on what is taking place and how much comes forward all at once that connects to it too.

It's true. We want everything to be fair and just. We have such high standards for humanity. And when we are frustrated by the different standards of the majority we get called superior, which kills us because 1. It's true 2. It contradicts our ideals of egalitarianism. It's a double bind.

Annemarie Roeper wrote maybe we develop a superego while we still age appropriate do magical thinking..

Think about that.

Om namay
eartha kitt om.

Grrrl.

Don't look at me chap chap. Search eartha kitt in youtube.

Do it!

It is important to keep in mind that while you are talking about this, you also struggle with PTSD too, that will affect how you feel about this topic. It will increase your sense of inequality and feelings of "unfairness".

Gifted women ARE freaks! Even though I am a freak, I totally love and accept myself.
I got it in hospital.

I went in through the police tier. I didn't have my glasses. That helped a lot. I couldn't see facial expressions. Talking in group was like talking online. I could be real.

Being real offsets the freak factor. It does. Without glasses it does. I guess I'm saying the freak factor is developmental and not static.