[Teacake]

There are things I would love to talk over with someone I knew wouldn't be offended. I'm lonely. No one gets me. Trauma struck in my very first college class. I mourn the education I got to look at but couldn't have.

I feel like I always have to be the adult. Or the parent. I always feel lily the gifted girl who had to sit quietly and read or help other students because my educational needs weren't important.

Then I got to a college where my needs did matter, and I got traumatised but no one index least of all myself.

It's a cruel joke. I have to be an atheist because if I believed in a god I'd have to try to kick his ***, and being omnipotent and omniscient and all, it would be sort of frustrating unless he let me which he should but then I guess I'd have to fear hell for kicking gods ***. Even if he allowed it. Because its probably a sin, although its not a commandment.

I go to a place where I meet people who Mr to my college and people like them. It stirs it up. Maybe it hurts me. Maybe I hope to have someone to tell it to who will know what o lost.

[Teacake]

I wish to hell I could disable auto-jibberish on the phone.

Not all gifted women think they are freaks. I believe you and I are of about the same age (50's), so we grew up in the same era of education. You are right. Gifted programming really didn't get its impetus until the 1980's and is still evolving to this time. So, would our education be handled differently today? Sure, but I didn't suffer because of my giftedness. I had a great education and have had a great career.

Many gifted individuals do have a hard time feeling any kind of empathy or connection to anyone they feel is not as gifted as they are, but that is a trait that we do work with our gifted students to get beyond. That lack of empathy, that sense of superiority that is so "normal" for them, can become a life problem for them if they stay stubbornly unwilling to engage with others and acquire an ability to empathize rather than criticize.

Your pain seems to have less to do with your giftedness than it does with how some traumatic events in your life prevented you from reaching your own goals for yourself. Lack of proper gifted education didn't do that. You made it to college. It was what transpired outside the educational setting that got in your way from what I can gather from your post.

I don't know much detail about you. Is there a reason that at this point you can't continue your college education? It's never too late. My sister didn't finish her college career because, like you said, she ended up taking care of her husband and family and putting herself on the back burner. She was ultra-responsible (and gifted by the way). She went back to college, finished her degree, and started teaching at age 50. I even had an 83-year-old woman graduate from college with me. If you thrive on academia, perhaps returning as a student would be renewing for you. I suspect you'd find you have more in common with most people than you think. Just a thought.

[Parley]

I wouldn’t be offended teacake. My chances of agreeing are a bit iffy but I don’t mind a difference of opinion.

Unfortunately the only way to get out of being an adult is to pretend for awhile. I used to like amusement parks but I’m more for river tubing these days. Or anything else that lets me leave my responsibilities behind for a few hours. Of course it only works when I'm with people capable of handling themselves as well.

My trauma slammed into me right of high school too but I wasn’t in college. It was also when i started questioning my Lord. The first time I went to seek help, I went to a Chaplain and he started shuffling his papers; It shattered my spirituality. I doubt he recalls me but he made a choice that day and I hope he had regret.

I don’t consider myself an atheist because I believe in my Lord. I know where to place my blame and I don’t blame Him but I know I can’t be received with hatred in my heart.

It isn’t too late to take classes in college. I’ve taken a few but I'm not focused on anything particular. It could help you with being lonely. In any case, I am here if you’d like to talk and I might even be able to figure out the aut0-jibberish.

[JadeAmethyst]

Sounds like misery.

[Open Eyes]

Good post sierra and important to keep in mind when people our age look back on what was not available to them. There was much less known when we were going through the system of education and for people now who will some day turn 50, they will feel the same way because we keep learning more and more with every generation too.

You have talked about different things that "help" with PTSD, you have discussed different books you have read, well, those authors are gifted people too, yet, they still don't know it all.

When I was really struggling badly with crippling PTSD symptoms someone said something to me about being gifted again and there was a period where I felt terrified, I thought, OMG, what if I "can" see a lot that others really don't see and I felt unbelievably frightened and alone, but, I was also at that point very crippled with the PTSD too. Eventually, I decided that I needed to let go of that thought and go back to what I always did, listen to others and "learn" things and keep an open mind.

One of the most respected horse trainers is now approaching 80. He has competed in the Olympics and has met all kinds of people and sat on all kinds of horses and still rides and trains even at age 80. He definitely has a wealth of knowledge and "yet" he says that he is "still learning". He say's "I take, I take from every where and anyone I can, I always learn new things, always".

Benjamin Franklin was a brilliant "very gifted" man, did he get a special education? He lived through a lot of things, had a certain mindset, but he eventually began to see things differently, and even in his old age still changed his mind about things, the truth about him is that he "evolved" his whole life and he always kept an open mind.

OE

[Teacake]

Oh for heavens sake, I am moody. Its a mood.

I mostly agree with you. GT kids tend to be very empathic and concerned with world issues, equality, etc. They have very high standards of idealism and fairness generally which is highly admirable. But at the same time, it is interesting to sit down with a roomful of GT kids and hear them very openly profess their impatience and lack of understanding for fellow students who don't easily understand things at the same depth they do. They are remarkably open about this but realize, to their credit, that they are probably being quite unfair. I do see them as highly critical of themselves at the same time. The tendency for perfectionism in themselves just sometimes spills over in their frustration with the rest of the world. It's not a bad thing, just fairly typical.

[Fishymoon]

Teacake I would take what Parley said and perhaps my comments and disregard the others, at least for now. It is okay to be moody and that is what I got out of your words. I think there are people like Parley and myself who can hear others opinions openly.

You are okay, right, to feel what you are feeling. Our feelings change, shift, expand and contract. Be where you are and look to where you want to be.

I went to college for awhile, then my illnesses got to be too much for me and I had to drop out. I'm 59 and still too ill to go back and finish my degree. Sometime my thought and feelings float over wishes that I could have finished or return, but those feelings pass and I counter the thoughts with positive affirmations about my worth just as I am.

I've also let my religious deity know in my next life I want health, money, and ability to finish and become a successful mathematician. My current life brain fogs up too much, that's the breaks. It also helps me write good poetry, so I go with that.

Find your positive points and build yourself up. You are okay. Judging ourselves and others, labels and boxes, just don't make sense. I like you because you are real. Sharing your mood, your hurts, your concerns make life improve. Keep at it.

Best wishes,
Fishymoon

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I mostly agree with you. GT kids tend to be very empathic and concerned with world issues, equality, etc. They have very high standards of idealism and fairness generally which is highly admirable. But at the same time, it is interesting to sit down with a roomful of GT kids and hear them very openly profess their impatience and lack of understanding for fellow students who don't easily understand things at the same depth they do. They are remarkably open about this but realize, to their credit, that they are probably being quite unfair. I do see them as highly critical of themselves at the same time. The tendency for perfectionism in themselves just sometimes spills over in their frustration with the rest of the world. It's not a bad thing, just fairly typical.

OK. But impatience in adolescence is fairly normal. And if kids are openly talking about their lack of understanding of other students and becoming frustrated, they are probably attempting empathy and frustrated that they fail. The will to empathy is there..

[A Red Panda]

I somewhat get what you're talking about. I was gifted as a student when I was young, although the term was never used for anyone and I didn't learn that term until I was getting qualified to be a teacher. There was nothing done to encourage me to go beyond what was being learned in class, and I didn't really have any way to access things on my own besides reading more and more.

So... I ended up just refusing to do extra things like study to try and give myself more of a challenge. I made sure I wrote messy so that others couldn't copy me. I only did homework that was going to be marked, and I would do it at the last minute - again, so that no one could ask to copy me. But there was a lot of pressure put on me to be smart and I applied it to myself too.

It somewhat shot me in the foot when I went to university, because I'd never actually been challenged before and had actively worked against developing good habits. And I kept with the same pattern of not-studying-or-really-trying. I regret that and sorta wish I had actually went to reach my own potential.

But, overall, I'm happy with where I am and the successes that I have made, and it's never helped me when I've gotten upset with the lack of support or encouragement I had. I'm also an athiest, but it has nothing at all to do with anger over the life I was given - I just simply don't believe in it and find it just as fanciful as the idea of Zues or Odin.

[Open Eyes]

"I go to a place where I meet people who Mr to my college and people like them. It stirs it up. Maybe it hurts me. Maybe I hope to have someone to tell it to who will know what o lost." quote Teacake

"Then I got to a college where my needs did matter, and I got traumatised but no one index least of all myself. " quote Teacake

I actually "can" relate to this "mood" Teacake. I was traumatized and I didn't get what I needed when those college years came either. When I am told that I am gifted I do get moody and even angry tbh. The couple of times I had highly educated psychologists/psychiatrist tell me I was gifted and "should have been or should be", I get triggered and even angry, it feels like a kick in the head. I also know what it feels like to end up being the adult, when what I really wanted was a presence that was an adult over me instead, with real answers that helped "me" instead of me being that for others.

Actually, I connected to that movie Good Will Hunting a lot as I had been doing the same thing as Will had been doing, not in it, but around it. I also could see where he met all different "so called scholars and authors" and they didn't have what he needed, so why bother, "especially with talk therapy". You said, "Oh, wouldn't it be nice to get a hug and be all better to go off and see about a girl". But, there was so much more to that movie than that. He was around others that were not gifted, and when one of them was being picked on at that bar, what did he do? That scene had so much to it. And while there were no labels presented, he was "putting a Narcissist in his place".

However, while he was clearly gifted, he was also "hurt" and chose to live in a structure that he felt safe in. Robin William's character was doing the same thing, a hurt person choosing to find a safe life structure where he would not have to "feel" so much, because he was hurt too. In that last moment, what was beautiful about it was that "both of them needed to share that last moment" but could not find the right person to do that with.

When he attacked Robin Williams, yes, he succeeded in hitting a core and got him angry. Robin Williams was shown doing what? He talked about it, then he came across a thought and slept like a baby remember?

That scene where Robin Williams brought him to that bench had a lot in it too. Actually, he was touching on the same thing you do and have "moods" about. Yes, you mourn about it because you can give the skinny on it, but you have not really "touched the touches and smelled the smells".

In the scene where Will lashed out at this girl he liked so much, he was actually describing himself as a "freak" too. Yes, there was a lot of anger and fear in that scene too.

I felt the writer of that movie was "gifted", and not everyone is going to see how very much, but I felt there was a lot said in that movie and I see something new each time I come across it and watch it.

I just saw that movie again recently, in the end where Will finally got to express his emotional disturbance with Robin Williams, I noticed that as he wept and let it out he also said, "I am sorry", I found that significant because I have found myself feeling that and saying it here and there too. Every now and then I see different members say that too, especially when they make an attempt to talk about a deep emotional challenge.

It was nice to see that part again and hear Robin Williams say,
"I know" too.

Well, just offering up some of my thoughts here. Whether is does anything for you mood or not? Idk, I tried.

OE

[Teacake]

I was the kid who got accused of plagiarism for writing Time Magazine quality assignments. I got in teouble for being able to write news magazine quality work. Obviously my teacher didn't expect us to amount to much. It was rural Midwest.

I chose a college that promised academic rigor and personal attention. It was a very good college.

I didn't have "ptsd" when I went away to college. I was a resilient adolescent. I had been neglected
educationally and emotionally. My parents kept me fed and watered and up to date on all my shots and monitored my spending on the platinum card but I raised myself. Id read indiscriminately. I'd rea Hunter Thompson. I was an intelligent young animal with a chance at becoming human. I'd read Dr. Spock and my mother's wedding gift Amy Vanderbilt in an attempt to raise myself. I was a good babysitter for it. Mom was borderline but not the kind who got caught at it. I chose the right college for me. I sensed I didn't know anything but how to read and write. Id read To Kill a Mockingbird and Little Women and sensed there was something more to parenting than what I got.

I was a sensitive girl too. I was sensitive to non-verbal communication.

I didn't have ptsd from my childhood. I had stress from my childhood. Bessel van Der Kolk has
described the brain changes that happen to children. Who are stressed. These predispose to ptsd but do not cause ptsd.

I hadn't developed optimally but I think I might have done OK in the Navy.

Instead...

First college class. I'd gotten over freshman jitters. I liked my roommate. I met people. I started to feel I belonged. Now classes were beginning. I was really in college. I met a girl like myself. She was shy and reserved with a quirky sense of humor like me. I really liked her. I thought, wow, life is really beginning. This is really college. This is a real friend. Maybe we will meet up throughout life from wherever this special education takes us and remember this day.

I don't want to tell the story. She decompensated beside me in the classroom. She died two days later.

I had acute trauma symptoms within forty minutes of the thought that we might be lifelong friends meeting up as old ladies...

No one knew me. I was just another freshman, a quiet shy girl in the crowd. No one knew I had changed. I changed dramatically. I was hostile and irritable and dissociated and frightened. I was working in a shop building a set for a play when the knife I worked with ripped through foam board and a boy flinched as my hand and knife ripped by his face. I was shaken. I couldn't stop appologising and saying it was dangerous. He said he had served two years somewhere, overseas, and had good reflexes.. I kept seeing the knife and his flinch. I recall now he was strong and handsome and found me attractive, aroused and flustered and blushing and carrying on. I was just horrified. I put down the knife and went off to paint. I taught the painters to mark a grid to enlarge the image but without joy. People praised me and tried to engage me but I was flat and traumatised, I was a goner. I couldn't feel. I couldnt get enthused. I couldn't forget the knife. I couldn't remember that this girl had died. If someone asked what was wrong with me I didn't know. But no o.e asked.

I felt normal riding. Not quite normal but more normal. I could socialise normally and oncentrate a little better after riding. Or sex. I started having sex with a boy in the riding class. Anything that rocked the psoas, lol. He was a narcissist. It wasn't a human relationship. I wanted to drop him and he got manipulative. I had screaming rages I didn't remember at all for years.

It was a nightmare. I can still remember bits and pieces of college that were fine. I wasn't always in a fog or a screaming rage or suicidal depression, and I didn't emerge completely destroyed or uneducated but it was horrible.

I settled into ptsd. Classic symptoms. I witnessed decompensation leading to death and on some level knew my new friend was dying, but as a doc later said, its he spattered blood and brain on me. In fairness to doc, he did see why I thought of ptsd, and its not like there was effective ptsd treatment for me to access with a good dx.

I was right there in a good college for me, my tuition paid, my notebooks and pen in hand , with this exhilarating sense that at eighteen I was finally having a great life where I fit in. And then I was changed in an hour. I no longer fit in. Everything was dull and hazy unless it was alarming and emergent or sex and riding. I was irritable and hostile or shy and withdrawn. I couldn't concentrate. Bi could write well sometimes. I
id better with numbers and graphs but had no math background. I tried to study economics anyway. I taught myself calculus not knowing thats what I was doing. I was working hard and I was still intelligent but I was breaking down.

The only friend I had was the narcissist boyfriend. I had another friend who couldnt be saved from borderline and alcoholism.

I got out of there and attracted trauma like a rolling snowball attracts snow. More traumatic events. The best thing was that I met an asylee who modeled how to live well and carry on with symptoms.
Most people dont know what I lost. My friend who lost a country and society understood a little. I lost a world.

[Teacake]

It was adolescence. No one likes to remember. My life circumstances in the present trigger the old unresolved stuff. Maybe I'm IN these circumstances because I'm doing re

There IIS a great line in Broadcast News. Holly Hunt is told it must be nice to be the smartest person in every room. She glosses the attacking tone and answers miserably, in anguish, "it isnt! Its awful!".

Im just grateful my son is in research and development and his girl is in a dream job of her own. When the kids are all right...its all all right.

I have my rooms where I can go as well. It just gives me fits of shame.

This is trauma as much as any other. I'm no worse off than refugees from Iraq who were middle class doctors and architects there and poor urban busboys on food assistance here. At least I dont have to color my hair or change my name to avoid harassment on the street.

[Teacake]

Its like I has one clear chance to have a good edication for a gifted girl

I was there.
My tuition was paid
I wasn't disabled when I arrived at college
I wasn't disabled when the first class began.

But within ninety minutes i had acute trauma symptoms.
One minute i am crashing through the infirmary door with my dying friend. The next I no longer know she is dying.

I didn't get over it because I didn't know how. I didn't remember what there was to get over.

People say, awww your friend died, how sad. But thats not what Im sad about.

[Parley]

That's sad and I agree~ it is trauma as much as any other.

[Open Eyes]

No, there was not very good treatment for PTSD back then. If your only friend was a narcissist, then my guess is he was not interested in the "depth of you" which you desperately needed.

You say you felt good when riding, did you ride horses at college? Or, do you mean you liked writing? I know you type with your thumbs, and if you are recalling and getting pictures, often words get skipped, I used to do that constantly when I first joined PC, skip words and type fast like I was a speeding train.

My daughter had a room mate that was all messed up, she had a full scholarship and only wanted to sleep it away. My daughter actually managed to get her going and even studying, she found herself parenting a lot of other students who never really learned how to study.

I remember when I went to orientation at my daughter's college, they had a special meeting for the parents, told them how the freshman would struggle, want to come home, and whine and told the parents, "don't let them come home, they will settle in and get used to it".

My daughter once told me there were things that happened in college that were bad, she did not want to talk about it and I didn't press, I could tell she meant it.

I am sorry that your teachers were not kind to you, unfortunately that happened a lot back then, you are younger than I am, but I doubt things changed all that much in those few years behind me where you were in the system.

For myself, I always felt behind, I had always felt that something in the beginning part was missing and what I was learning was missing the first part always. I had only been passing in Geometry in High School, so I decided to take the book and teach it to myself from the beginning, I just decided I was going to learn it and then I went in and took an exam. Well, the next day the teacher stood in front of the class and said most of the class did horrible on the exam and she felt that was wrong. I thought maybe I just failed and teaching myself was not good enough. Then she said to the class, "And guess who got the highest grade, and if this student can do it then everyone should have gotten a 100 on the test, then she called my name and everyone turned and looked at me, it was a total embarrassment the way this teacher made fun of me for getting the highest grade, a 98 when most of the class failed. I could not wait to get out of that class and get in my car and run home I was so mortified.

Some teachers suuck Teacake, they really do, especially back in the day. My father never let me finish a sentence while I was growing up, he always had to stop me and correct me or try to get me to use bigger words. I got so I could not talk, especially not to adults. I taught myself to talk by getting books from the library and reading them aloud in my room, or reading aloud to the children I babysat for, children didn't care about how I talked, just that I talked to them was enough. That is why I didn't stand up and talk back to that teacher in that classroom. That is why when I am told I am gifted, I get upset or angry too. I was gifted in writing too, but I didn't dare show what I wrote to my snotty stuck up English teacher. I had a teacher in history that was a nun in high school. Every time I wrote a paper or took a test she messed up my entire paper with red marks correcting my cursive, even though I actually had good penmanship. I didn't know what was right or wrong I had so much red on my papers when I got them back.

I often took things others considered throw away's and made nice things out of them, then people wanted whatever it was or broke it or stole it. I didn't have PTSD, I lived through a lot of crap, I know what it is like to look back and regret, if only people would respect me or just let me create and have whatever I create. When I saw everything I made and loved destroyed, that was it, too much invaded and that is when the PTSD came. Only, to see living things that trusted me in so much pain, if I was so smart, so gifted why did I not pick up on it earlier, I blamed myself so badly, surely someone who is
supposedly so gifted would have prevented what had happened I thought.

Did you ever blame yourself for not being strong enough somehow?

I was handed a lot of lemons and I made a lot of lemonaide, but, yes I would have liked to have been able to get the education I wanted.

Did you think way back when that you were gifted? Or is that something you have been seeing just the past few years? Just curious

I am sorry that you had those horrible experiences and there was no one there to be a true witness and hear you the way you needed them to.

I will say though, a lot of children get an idea of what a real family/parent/caring nurturer is supposed to be from watching movies or reading books. Unfortunately, there are a lot of mothers out there that are not nurturing/caring/loving mothers.

I did understand what you meant when you talked about gifted people are often oppressed.

I don't like the term "gifted" tbh though. I think a lot of people are gifted and misunderstood too, or overlooked somehow.

((Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[Teacake]

Horses are people like us, and their faces and hearts are proportionally as our mothers were when we were infants. Riding loosens the psoas muscles and relieves stress and trauma.

Horse cultures are brave cultures.

My professors were very kind. They worked with me. They tried to draw me out. They were good. I was never penalised for a space out on an exam. My problem was my physiology. I think they knew I was struggling with something.

My zona father believed I had epilepsy. He said yes observed me spacing out and losing time. He knew it was epilepsy because his aunt had it. He would arrange for me to see a specialist if I liked. I asked how his aunt greater her epilepsy. She could not. It began after the revolution. A lot of women had those symptoms after the revolution...

People knew something was wrong with me and they cared. They didn't know what it was or what to do. And sometimes I was a real pain to be around. Thats the worst part, when you know you've hurt everyone whose ever loved you.

[Parley]

censorship at its finest.

I would like my first post in this thread removed since I was referring the first post which was edited and touched on a post before mine, that has been deleted. Don't make me look like a babbling idiot to preserve someone else's reputation.

Edited to say~ my bad... Maybe the first post wasn't edited. Sorry, I'm in a mood but in all honesty, I I don't know if I would have shared my experience without the deleted post.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, you experienced a trauma and developed PTSD, losing time is a symptom, and so is missing words when writing something, and so is being frustrated and short tempered. It is hard to be around someone with PTSD, it is often walking on egg shells. In a way, it can seem like epilepsy because of how the mind disconnects and loses track of time, or when a flashback takes place it can be like having a seizure too.

The feeling of "hurting" anyone who loved you is actually common too. When you used the term "freak, or gifted freak", that is the PTSD talking too. When you said, "for heaven's sake it's just a mood", well, it isn't "just" a mood you have it a lot actually. When you talk about "looping back", you actually do that too, that is also a part of PTSD. When you talk about the place you went hoping to find someone to help you, you said, they are nice, well meaning but lacking and there is nothing really there for "me", that is also "looping back" to when you experienced that before. Actually, that is what Will was doing in Good Will Hunting, he mocked all the different therapists, just as you do in ways too. And, there was no way any of those so called "esteemed psychologists/psychiatrists" were going to help him, I thought that was done really well actually. And honestly, when I look back on the times when I reached out for help, I experienced that too, and luckily, I have a therapist that is capable of seeing it as well and can validate me, yet also be able to "explain it" to me too, "Here is what is wrong with them, here is what they are not seeing, here is why they misdiagnose too".

I had friend here that was so intelligent, yet would say, "I am a social retard", as I got to know this person I could see the "hurts" and why this person was so misunderstood. This person reached out for help, and was actually a lot like Will in how he would react to different "so called specialists". I also saw the missing words, the spaces, the retreats, the anger and that hopeless loop of expressing the "hurt" that so many misunderstood about this member and yes, "I am a freak" was said and "It was so sad" and this member is no longer a member.

Teacake, I have been a member long enough to see this happen to different "gifted" struggling members who struggle with PTSD. And, when you say, "I hurt those who love me", that is also something many others talk about too. There is a tremendous amount of "being misunderstood" when someone struggles with PTSD. I have also noticed that many who struggle are "extremely intelligent" too.

When you say "talk therapy" doesn't help, well, it doesn't unless the person struggling is sitting across from the "right therapist", and that was shown in "Good Will Hunting" too.

If someone looking to be a therapist/psychologist were to check out this forum for a while, I am sure there would be things "missed", I have already seen it take place in different ways.

When I was in that psych ward and sat at a table listening to the different patients talk, I was in bad condition, but, I could still "hear" them and before I even talked about myself, I found myself pointing to each one of them and telling them something they really needed to know, and it surprised me that the two therapists that were there were just so "out of tune" with what these people were saying. What saddened me is how these patients wanted "more" and began to follow me around, I was in no condition to experience that and it only saddened/upset/traumatized me even more. I didn't mean for that to happen, I didn't expect to have that happen, and that was not the time to think about "being gifted" either, it scared the crap out of me tbh. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is "real". It is pretty sad to be around people on all different kinds of medications, being asked "how do you feel on your new meds today" and to see them not even know. Then, to talk to them and actually SEE THEM LIGHT UP, something I have seen happen most of my life, "why don't others see it too"?

I can assure you, "It is not your fault, you genuinely don't mean to hurt others that you have felt loved you either", and I see this "constantly" and yes "it is sad". I have known how to give others what they want and need, yet I see how they really do not know how to give it back, they just don't and they express it in so many "avoid-ant" ways too.

Again, think about what happened in Good Will Hunting, what did Will finally get to do? All the other "so called professionals ran from it", except "one".

OE

[Teacake]

I am astonished at how I mourn adolescence after thirty odd years. Of course I knew old people write books about adolescence. I had to read a bunch in high school.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I know, this especially takes place near and in the 50's too. Most people do say, "If I only knew then what I know now" too.

[Fuzzybear]

[Teacake]

all my neurotransmitters are low. I don't even remember what normal is.

I do remember being a giddy teenager being accused of being "high on drugs" because I was exhuberant. And because some people have it in for young women who feel good about themselves. But that's what I learned. Go faster than the others talk over their heads or about too many things or be too much, too bright. Too fast. Too sharp or too lively and they will ostracise you and accuse you.

Its depressing
to remember how the world insisted I should slow down and be depressed.

Maybe I need an antidepressant, just to learn to tolerate being who and how I am again.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, you are 50 now, your hormones are going to be changing, when you were younger you had a much different hormonal balance taking place in your body.

Mid life crisis is not all about the mind, the body really "is" changing hormonally.