Need to get my mind somewhere, anyone around?

Anxious, anxious... No way to explain everything going on, but my husband has been with his parents this last month (I had to go out of town and he has likes to stay with his parents any chance he can,,, no, not kids we are in our 40's) So, I had to come pick him up and have to spend the night or it is considered rude. They are kind but are very judgmental and I am SOOOO anxious when I come here. I have been here about 8 times and had to come tonight.
My husband knows what it does to me to be in these social situations so he was kind enough to make arrangments for us to go visit his friends at 9:30 tonight. Oh how I hate this. On the way there he informs me that we are seeing another one of his friends on the way out of town in the morning and then tells me that he told his mother to set up a seperate bedroom so we can sleep in seperate rooms because of an air conditioner problem (He doesn't provide me a sense of security anyway, but I sure didn't realize how much I would rather be with him in his home then in a room by myself).
I feel completely alone and scared. I know how stupid it sounds to be 40 and scared of just being in someones house that I know is safe as far as that goes. I know this post must sound extremely stupid, but for some reason this stuff really has me going. I don't even want to fall asleep for some reason. I know there is no physical danger, but I ..... oh, I don't know.
I just thought I would see if there was anyone around on a Friday night.

I'm around... kind of but I'm confused on why you are spending the night? Did you want separate rooms? I'd be anxious too but only for a bit. I don't mind being rude.

I should add ~ the post doesn't sound stupid. When I sleep somewhere~ I lock up the house. I don't care how safe it is~ I'm locking up.

I can't walk away without saying it~ I'd be gone. My husband can come with me or he can sleep at momma's and I'll lock the door behind me.

I have a HUGE problem with people pleasing!!! My husband says that I avoid his family and that is rude and they think it's rude. He knows how anxious I am in these kind of situations, but I am not going to hurt them by being rude. That is why I have to stay the night. Oh, I might have forgotten to say that his family is 4 hours from us. When I dropped him off to stay here, I was able to do a run in and out but I promised him I would stay all night this time.
NOOOO, I didn't ask for separate rooms. My husband has problems of his own and not thinking about anyone but himself is on the top of it. He just decided this would be best if we were in separate rooms because the air conditioner in their house went out.
I know it all sounds pretty superficial, but after stressing over coming here at all, then having to go to his family friends house at 9:30 at night (which I consider very wrong to do), hearing I have to meet someone new tomorrow and NOW being in a room by myself has just really built on me.
The thing around here is there are a LOT of unspoken rules and I have already broken some before and I can't handle people being upset with me. I have been already hoping I don't need to go to the bathroom tonight because I don't even want to walk out in the hall.
I hate this.

aww.. why don't you watch funny videos or movies? do something to take your mind off of where you are. I'd say read a good book but I'm not sure if you've got one with ya! just remember, you're safe! its only one night

I get it~ I don't believe i'd handle it well but I'm not much of a people pleaser. Hate to state the obvious but it's going to be a long night. I hope your husband drives.

Thanks for the suggestion, but it is sort of like being grounded when your a kid. I am quietly on the bed with my computer from home trying not to make a sound. I don't know the 'rules' here. I do know my husband freaked out the first night we ever stayed here and the house was heated to 80 something degrees and I was dieing at night and suggested we crack open the window. I learned then that things are done differently around here.

No Parley, that is why I am here now. He was diagnosed with a form of alzhiemers that includes hallucinations as a component and the doctors has removed his driving.
The people pleaser is what I am talking with my T about now. It is VERY excessive and I know it, but I just can't get past it. I just keep hoping nobody even knows I am awake.

oh, and thanks for talking to me guys. I appreciate it.
Maybe I will become so exhausted at some point I will just fall asleep.

Do you have head phones? Sounds like a dumb question but I still think you should watch something funny if you can't fall asleep..

Read a good story online?

I've definitely been in people's houses and felt anxious like you do. Usually I would just lay there until I fell asleep..

Like I was at this slumber party and I felt targeted.. and I had to sleep on CONCRETE in a shed! It was awful... so I sang and looked at the stars. Simple little things to calm down and fall asleep.

Wow Emma, that sounds like a nacky night.

I don't have anything for sound, but I am just trying to look at different things online.

Oh that's rough. sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can sleep enough to drive safely.

I doubt anyone can hear the keypad. I would try to be quiet but anyone that knows me would know that I am awake.

It's nice that you take care of your husband but I hope your T can help you learn to take care of yourself.

Thanks Parley. I know that is my T's plan but I am making it very hard on him at the moment... LOL.. not on purpose, but lets just say I have more then a few issues to resolve

Is everything ok in your world that you are still up at this hour?

I've got a few issues too but I figure if it was easy our therapist would be cheaper.

Yeah~ everything is ok here but feeling a bit mean and that usually means less sleep but not much. It's all good. I think I'm starting to settle.

I greatly appreciate your conversation to get me to this part of the night. I hope you can feel better soon and get some good sleep.

Sometimes I worry that I am creating my own problems and that they really are not a big deal. Times like being awake at 1:00 in the morning make me a little more certain that I am not faking anything. I don't think I could physically fake staying up like this as I am usually a 9:00 bed person.. LOL

Thanks Parley

wow~ 9 oclock bed time. Yeah~ i'd say something is wrong.

9 would be a power nap and one that could last for days. I'd rather get up at 7 than 11. Thankfully, my husband doesn't mind the computer or anything else in the room.

You're welcome but not necessary.

Do you like to drive? If I stop talking would you go to sleep? it's getting late and remember~ there are rules. What time is wake up?

Yep, I am usually early to bed and then up early for work. My body has adjusted to that. Since things have increased a bit in therapy lately, I have had trouble falling asleep but that has been because my mind is racing. I sure wish I understood this PTSD and knew for sure if that is what is going on with me all the time. I don't even feel anxious anymore, just awake and no real feelings at all. It is so very strange. I don't know if it has anything to do with keeping my mind going online and not thinking about it or what. Oh to see clearly

Actually, no. I didn't marry until almost 40 (6 years ago) and having a husband that did all the driving was one of the most exciting things. I really enjoyed him doing all the driving. I am getting back into the groove of it again though.

Good music and a CB~ it makes the runs worth while.

I have not been diagnosed with PTSD. I try not to think about things myself. I believe I told myself to get over it.. For years and years. I'm just glad I at least pretended to listen. I hope I can do that in therapy. I don't see the point in becoming a bigger mess to deal with mess that was handled incorrectly.

Your husband's illness probably isn't helping your stress level. I hope you have more support than an hour a week.

We are in the same boat. I have not been formally diagnosed either, this is what my T thinks and I think highly of him and believe he is pretty darn wise so I am thinking he is right but sometimes I wonder about what I do. Mine he feels is from my earliest years and I did the same as you and told myself to 'suck it up', 'slap back the mess' and 'move on' for the last 20 years. I wasn't doing so bad until my T suggested I look at a couple of things (he was originally my husband's T from the issues going on and we were doing couples counseling also. One day I asked him to help me with something and he suggested looking at something else and bam,,,,here I am) LOL.

I have been assaulting my T the last couple of weeks with the same thing you are saying. He opened a can of worms that made what seemed tollerable into a huge mess. If he is correct though, my life could be much better if I can stop stuffing it to 'get over it' and deal with it instead. I don't allow emotion out, don't trust people at all and as I said earlier, I have a pretty significant issue with people pleasing and wanting everyone happy.

As scary as it all is (and it sure is), I am going to try to let the mess keep coming for a while and hope for the outcome he believes I can have. I have only known my T for about 6 months as my husbands and couple counseling and only about a month as my own individual, but I can tell you that I sure feel blessed. I would never have believed I would be able to trust someone and talk to someone about what is going on in my head like I can him. He is a God sent and I haven't made in progress yet... LOL... but at least he has given me hope which is something I never had before.

I don't wonder about what I do. I am well aware of my issues and I know why I do them. I also had hope. It wasn't a wise hope but there was hope. therapy is making me reconsider my options.

I think ill become a bigger mess as well but I'm not going willingly.

does your husband support you going to individual counseling?

Wow Parley, it is surprising me how many things we have in common. That was my entire session with my T today on the fact that I let myself hope and try 3 times to feel better in my own skin and each time was an utter disaster that now needs to be cleaned up. We talked about how terrified I am to try and hope one more time. If I didn't trust this man so much (STIIIIIIILL trying to figure that out... LOL) I wouldn't be staying. Hoping after what has happened the past times is REALY scary.

I wish I could comfort you and say you wouldn't become a bigger mess, but my T told me point blank today that it will be getting worse before it gets better but it would be worth it. *sigh*. I know how to close the door on the things that intrude my mine (as we both said a moment ago, we have done it for years), but he has asked me to let them remain open or we wont be able to work on them. To purposely leave that mess out in the open seems SOOOO wrong!

I only had 1 or 2 sessions on my own before I brought my husband to his parents house and he was still worried at that time about me being in there talking about him. I don't know where he is at right now. In addition to the Alzhiemers, he has some psychiatric issues also. That is why he/we started with our T to begin with. Even couples counseling was more to let him get a second visit that week and I was just 'there'.

I have NO idea what couples will look like when we get back as our T did not know me a couple of months ago like he does now. For better or worse, I have a feeling couples sessions will be different now then before. We will see how my husband deals with it.

The last time I seen my therapist she was leaving for vacation and told me not to focus on things. I'm sure we will get there but I can't leave things open without focus and focus isn't always the best quality to have. Not for me and my issues anyway.

That's bold. I don't think i'd do couples counseling with the same therapist that does individual counseling. I'd be worried about a conflict of interest. Mainly mine. lol

well it's getting late and I need to get a few hours sleep. It was nice chatting with you and I hope you get a little sleep yourself. Hopefully you will enjoy meeting your husbands friend as well.

Hope you feel better.
Good night~

Thanks again Parley. Have a good nights sleep and I hope things go great when your T returns and you two get at it