I measure my survival in new releases.

In the thick of it Sept 2012, one of my goals was to stay alive until 09/26/12, the release date of Uno by Green Day.

And I made it through Dos in November and Tre in December and all the way through Katy Perry's Roar a year ago today and through Baptized by Daughtry last November.

And I just made it to Moonshine in the Trunk by Brad Paisley, and I am going to make it to Train's Bulletproof Picaso on 09/16 and V by Maroon 5. And to Taylor Swift's 1989 in November.

Wow, I made it two years through all of this sh** - And it has been horrific and magical and I know exactly what Walter White meant when he said he did it because made him feel alive. I didn't do it intentionally, but I have never felt such intensity of emotion. At least I know I am alive.

I intend to stay that way. Fu** them all.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Read more: Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics

there was a local band that brought me joy. they would play every couple months and I swear that is what kept me alive though my bad times. it was "they are going to be here in three more weeks and then you can be happy again for a while". unfortunately they broke up a few years ago, so I have lost that joy I held on to for so many years. I found a band to partially replace them but they hardly ever come to town...maybe two to three times per year, not enough.....but at least I am not depressed anymore and don't need my fix anymore either.....take care

Been having a very down time lately. The husband is leaving in 3 weeks to stay 3 hours away for 2 days for a mandatory class for his job, and I'm feeling so many things right now. Separation anxiety makes me panic at the thought, then just get depressed that no one understands and I have no support and am alone with all this. The 3 weeks just dwelling on this is going to drive me crazy. Aside from my cats, I'm hanging on for anything new by Sigur Ros. Saw them last September in Pittsburgh. Couldn't wait to hear Jonsi draw his cello bow across the guitar strings. It's funny the happiest 2 days of my life are when I saw Jonsi's solo show almost 4 years ago and that show last year. Nothing has compared - not even the birth of my son (ended up being a nightmare - had to have a C-section.) Those 2 things are about my only sources of happiness in life anymore. And maybe food.

Birdpumpkin, I really feel for you. I wish I knew what to say to help you out of it. I know what you went through was horrific, but I hope you can find one thing a day maybe that helps you remember that life can be beautiful, too. Would you feel up to some little project each day? Like, today I will make muffins or today I will write a note to my husband to tell him I love him. Something little and positive that you can begin to draw on to lift you up.

This one brought me up short.

I dont experience time. I dont experience the pleasure of anticipation. My motto seems to he "its not happening now". Its how Ive had to live. Always sorting my experience. Always living double.

Johnny, you made me think of something. PTSD loves a road trip. I used to travel your countryside. No terrors on thw road. No time, but on long drives you measure the time in space. A mile a minute. Instead of a clock face you have landscape or the map. Lynch in louisville. Travel is normalising for us. We also love gardening. A garden keeps track of time for you. You feel your place in time.

I used to love working in my yard, planting a garden, having plants indoors in the winter.

Pretty much absolutely hate it and wish it was all gone. I intend to, and have been working on, dramatically simplifying my landscaping. Just gonna be the uber-tough, ultra low maintenance stuff.

Cause I just don't give a F about so many things from that past alternate reality that was my life.

"Blown Away"
Carrie Underwood

Dry lightning cracks across the skies
Those storm clouds gather in her eyes
Her daddy was a mean old mister
Mama was an angel in the ground
The weather man called for a twister
She prayed blow it down

There's not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There's not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past

Shatter every window 'til it's all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away
'Til there's nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown away

Music really can get you through it. I want to say well done to you

Good Going, MotownJohnny!

Music has always been a lifeline for me too!

In the past, in the present, and hopefully in the future as well ...

Yeah yeah. Thats what they all say in August. You'll feel different when the flies die.

Have you chosen a name yet?

No, I really don't think I will feel differently about it. I look at many of the things I used to love and now view them with disdain or contempt even.

No, no names. I don't need another dog. No. No. No.

Ok, so maybe I have checked out lists of names just a little bit.

You are practising for a puppy. "No. No. No". .

What names jumped out at you as you were casually glancing? What is the puppy? Boy, girl, breed, color,cute little ears?

Thanks MotownJohnny. I've been getting a little more done on my hobbies now that my son is back in school. Nothing like a book and tea or just taking time to write in the journal. Just too many reminders, though. It's hard to escape. Found some pictures at my parents today out in their garage of my Tadpole, one of my 2 missing cats, while looking for some of my salvaged CDs to see what's still okay and what's not, and didn't hold together well. He was so beautiful and precious to me, and I was so proud of him - all my cats. They were just more children to me aside from the human one I have. Working out of one of my salvaged French books the other day I'd cleaned off - oh wow, some fur on the page. Looked like Chloe's. A brick here and there in the yard from the house being demolished. We had such a nice house. My husband hasn't done anything at all this summer as far as getting our yard fixed up, so it still looks like a nuclear war site with some grass here and there in spots. It makes me so sad. I do have a lot to be grateful for and am. Just not a good time of year for me. Too much "this time last year" going on... And will be all through fall til December 3rd... And now this trip - the same old thing happening all over again... I thought I was doing better and improving, but I'm not in any way ready for 2 whole days alone just yet. When he told me I thought I was going to faint. May stay with the parents. Not sure yet. That's not very brave or strong of me, but... Just feel life keeps kicking at me. I'm tired of it.