With all the child abductions in the news lately, I've been involuntarily re-visiting the 8th year of my life.

Been hearing his words, "Maybe you won't be here tomorrow, what do you think of that?"..... as the gun barrel is pushing into my back. I did whatever he said so I might survive... just like those boys in the news..... they did what they did--- to survive. It messes with your head when you are so young and confused. (I was not to talk about it- ever)

God, I've NEVER had any real long-term goals -- all my life!

Could it be that, part of me was stuck with the gun to my back.... just trying to survive, taking one day at a time not seeing more than each day ahead-- ALL my life????


mandy

[Rhapsody]

YES...... it could be and probably is - ((((((( HUGS )))))))

My abuse went on for 11 long painful years and it has been about 28 years since it stopped and yet I still have a hard time when going to bed at night.... I know I am safe as an adult and with my husband beside me and yet my mind often gets taken away to the old days and I actually feel as though someone is pulling on my covers and they are trying to get under my sheets to sexual abuse, but once again.

Some times I tell my husband how I am feeling and he holds me tight and at other times I tuck the sheet under my body as to keep the hands from me..... I have often become the little five year old that remembers it all, and I cry.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Mandy

Could it be that, part of me was stuck with the gun to my back

Was might need to be switched with is.

Sweetie, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I really think you need to think about going back into therapy.

These are mountainous issues better handled with a support system.

You cannot, no matter how much you try to analyze the reasons why things are as they are, find logic in the illogical. What happened to you makes no sense.

You are opening up here like never before. I know how HARD that is for you and I respect your courage.

Petunia

Rhap,

I'm so sorry you struggle at times too. Yes, I understand this.... " I have often become the little five year old that remembers it all,"...

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me.

Rhap-

mandy

[(JD)]

I think so. But now that you've realized this is happening, you have power to change things.

I think you could also set a few long-er term goals than normal, and see how it works for you?

Tunia,

Maybe you're right... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Was might need to be switched with is.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I've just never wanted to admit it, wanted to believe that nothing ever affects me.

OH, you are so sweet-- you're not making me uncomfortable by mentioning "therapy".... though, I'm not sure that's something that's right for me. I've tried it for, put it all together, about 4 years in all. It's so hard and so many times I swear my "safe hold" on things is being taken away from me-- when I've been in therapy. I don't know-- I'll think on it- OK?

Yes, opening up is hard, but lately I've felt safe here with all you that are so kind and understanding.

It's odd --I've been thinking how so many bad things can happen to one person, like it's got to be some kind of aura I used to emit or something. (people don't believe when they hear of all the things that I've experienced, how I've managed to "seemingly" hold myself together.... dissociation can be a great asset)

Can I tell you a story?....

****caution this may be triggering for some***
involves horrific child abuse...



I read about this sweet little girl full of life, they showed her picture when she was 3--- so cute, smiley with pony tails. Then her mother who was 19, married a man that would hurt the little girl. She ended up being paralyzed from her waist down with brain damage at age 5 . She was placed in a foster home instead of with her grandmother, who fought for her. The foster parents later, adopted her. They had 2 older adopted sons with special needs. The new family fell apart when the dad left and the mom went into depression. She stopped taking the little girl, now 12, to physical therapy and special school. One of the older boys, now 18 with learning disabilties but big and strong, decided to not let anyone in or out of the little girls bedroom. The mother was too depressed to do anything about it..... authorities finally were notified..... but it was too late for that little girl..... she had died of dehydration.

How can so much bad happen to one person? What did she ever do to anyone to have such a fate? I think the "illogical" that you speak of is something that spirals me down..... how/why do these things happen to a child? It doesn't make sense and..... not meaning to offend those that hold God dear to their heart--- but, if I ever meet God he/she is going to get one swift punch in the jaw from me!

thanks as always Tunia, for your thoughtfulness and understanding, and also for you replying. I appreciate it.

Tunia

mandy ps-- thank you also to the special people that have PM'd me- you are close to my heart.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
now that you've realized this is happening, you have power to change things.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You know Sky, since I've recently realized this, my hypervigilance has decreased a little-- which in turn is helping me to gain some needed weight.

Not sure why but even the idea of "long-er term" goals causes anxiety to rise..... it seems scary, like looking into a dark tunnel and also the fear of having control--- wait-- that shouldn't be something to fear--having control... oh, I'm so confused...

thank you for your reply.

Sky-

mandy

OH, you are so sweet-- you're not making me uncomfortable by mentioning "therapy".... though, I'm not sure that's something that's right for me.

It's always hard for me when I care about someone and there is no help available to them for whatever reason. Makes me feel helpless. (My own stuff-- don't go feeling guilty on me, lol)

[(JD)]

It's very "Godly" to live one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow, btw

I can make "plans" for future experiences... but not if I really think about what that experience will entail. I do enough thinking to be safe at the oonset, and then once I'm there... hopefully I have enough enjoyment to keep me!

Any longer term goals don't have to be that much farther ahead. But I bet you do haved some things that you wish you could do, if you could. Why not use 3x5 cards and put each item on a card. Short term ones too. If your current focus is only a day or two, why not put ones for a week or two.. nothing big, mind you, just things you need to get done even. Then, every week go through your stack of cards, and put the date done on each one you have accomplished.
This will give you a start on a good path, and give you assurance and reinforcement that you are able

[mtd]

Mandy, this happened to me. a gun and a knife. and an 'if you tell anyone ..." and i was tied to a stair rail. I felt so helpless and afraid.

My long term goal for so long was just one thing -- to numb the fear, the pain, the not being able to trust anyone or anything. And I was very self destructive trying desperately to hide inside myself. The gun and the knife and the screaming and the hitting, they stay with me and they have held me back. I've made a lot of progress, but even today, decades later, I wanted nothing more than to be alone and safe in my living room, while still feeling so lonely that I wanted nothing more than to be ABLE to go out and be with people. My long term goal now is to make my life more complete one day and one little bit at a time. For so very long, that gun really kept me from being able to reach for that goal.

I'm sorry we share so horrible a past, but we can be safe and not alone now, and we can set forth on a new journey, without the fear.

be well,

mtd

**warning** might get a bit mushy here.......
...I think you have a heart the size of the universe Tunia.

Thank you for caring.

mandy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It's very "Godly" to live one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow, btw

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Heh, well I don't know about "Godly" in my case- LOL, I'm too busy being vigilant in the here and now!

hmmmmm..... 3x5 cards? I'll try that...... though, I'm not very used to even "thinking" ahead, this may take some work just coming up with some things. Not sure I'll be very good at this.... but I'll try.

Thank you Sky for your understanding and help.

mandy

Thank you for your reply mtd, my heart is with you-

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The gun and the knife and the screaming and the hitting, they stay with me and they have held me back.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> it stays with you too? I'm so sorry.

When the event comes and re-visits me, I feel I'm being weak or ridicules. Back when it all happened I was told that such an angry teenage boy didn't mean anything by it....that it didn't matter-- whatever happened to me in those few hours, it was just a "silly" incident. (the idea that I might not be alive tomorrow, that I did everything he said and finally talked him into letting me go... none of that mattered)-- I started to feel guilty that "silly" things could control my life so much.
From that age on, anything that happened to me no matter what it was, I deemed as "silly" and would not stick up for myself or allow myself to feel anything. (though inside, I see now, I was being more and more broken)

I'm so glad for you that you've made a lot of progress-- that's awesome! And I will wish and hope for you that it continues.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I wanted nothing more than to be alone and safe in my living room, while still feeling so lonely that I wanted nothing more than to be ABLE to go out and be with people.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh my gosh!! I could have written this! That's just how I am, I'm so lonely and yet so scared to venture "out".

Thank you for sharing and for your reply.

mandy