[IzzyMarie]

This is going to get really personal, so please don't read if sex might trigger you.

Possible trigger:

The sexual abuse I encountered while growing up is pretty much stopping me from having a close relationship with anyone. My mind thinks like this "I really like this person I would like a relationship with them" then I think "Oh, but if you do that then they'll want to have sex with me and I can't do that". Even when I fantasize about having sexual relations those memories of sexual abuse are RIGHT there and I feel guilty about what I'm doing.

It's so extremely shameful. I can't let someone touch me -- it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'll rage on the person if they try. Every time I try to bring it up with my therapist I completely shut down. I just can't let anyone know the details about it. I keep hearing that I need to face my trauma to get better. How do I get better if I can't face it? How do I talk about it if my PTSD is stopping me from doing so?

[Crazy Hitch]

(((IzzyMarie)))

I'm really sorry that you've been through this

Babysteps? Maybe? Indicating that there is something that you would like to discuss with your t but not necessarily disclosing all the details and letting your t know that you're not quite ready for that just yet.

Maybe even if you wrote it on a note / a short letter to your t and give it to her when you leave your next appointment, expressing that there have been some issues of abuse in the past, you really would like to work on these with her, but you're not there just yet to go into all details? But that you may wish to broach a part of this aspect at the next appointment. Even if it's perhaps exactly what you posted here - the past is affecting your future ability in forming these relationships and this is what you want help with.

[IzzyMarie]

I've told them this much, but never all at once. I know they know something, but I haven't expressed it as a whole. I find it easier to write out what I'm going through. So I will take your advice and I will give them a copy of my post here and let them at least see it as a whole. Thanks I wouldn't have thought about doing that. That will make it much easier on me.

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by IzzyMarie

This is going to get really personal, so please don't read if sex might trigger you.

Possible trigger:

The sexual abuse I encountered while growing up is pretty much stopping me from having a close relationship with anyone. My mind thinks like this "I really like this person I would like a relationship with them" then I think "Oh, but if you do that then they'll want to have sex with me and I can't do that". Even when I fantasize about having sexual relations those memories of sexual abuse are RIGHT there and I feel guilty about what I'm doing.

It's so extremely shameful. I can't let someone touch me -- it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'll rage on the person if they try. Every time I try to bring it up with my therapist I completely shut down. I just can't let anyone know the details about it. I keep hearing that I need to face my trauma to get better. How do I get better if I can't face it? How do I talk about it if my PTSD is stopping me from doing so?

I was sexually molested and raped by a male physician
from age 3-10. It was the first, real memory I have.
3 years later I started having nightmares about the Holocaust.
In many of them I am a teenager being raped by the Third Reich.
I have had the Holocaust nightmares for 30 years:
2 failed marriages, each lasting less than 2 years.

Each time I am in an intimate relationship I have flashbacks
during intimacy of either the doctor or the Third Reich raping me.
When this happens, the relationship is over for me.

I feel like I am living in my own personal war zone.

I started going to therapists before high school was over.
All they wanted to do is tell me how men think and act.
I never got better.

I am now 44. Have not been on a date in a decade.
Someone asked me a couple of years ago
if I ever considered finding a therapist who has the
same spiritual/ religious beliefs as I do.

I took their advice.
My life has gotten much better.
Not only is he a licensed therapist, he is also my Rabbi.
I am learning to trust again.
The spiritual component was missing from my
therapy sessions. He has been able to get my
Holocaust nightmares to stop.
And, I have been able to open up to him and
talk to him about the sexual abuse.

He is optimistic that I can have a successful relationship
sometime in the future. But, my partner will need to
attend therapy sessions with me to understand
how my PTSD effects me.

Also, after being in therapy with my Rabbi,
I have come to realize I only want to try and
date men who have the same belief system I do.

Hang in there & keep searching for what feels right.

[IzzyMarie]

I think people are just too perverted at times and can't understand what we go through. I too am on a quest to find a man who shares the same belief system I do. I have no hope that I'll find one though.

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by IzzyMarie

I think people are just too perverted at times and can't understand what we go through. I too am on a quest to find a man who shares the same belief system I do. I have no hope that I'll find one though.

It is to my understanding that most people who suffered sexual abuse and sexual trauma at a very early age--have 1 of 2 personalities:

A. Very outgoing
B. Isolating from the world

There doesn't appear to be a middle ground.
I isolate. And, I struggle very much as a Professor. I have no problem delivering lectures and giving art demonstrations in class. However, when it comes to socially communicating--I suck at it.
I do not socialize with others.
I go home and create, read, write, etc.
To say that I lack the skills to maintain an intimate relationship physically,
mentally, and emotionally is an understatement. I suck at it.

I was the continuous actress in both of my marriages.
Both lasted less than 2 years. I knew I had issues and it wasn't their fault.

I haven't been on a date in a decade. I do not make myself available
to the real world. I isolate. And, it's quite easy to do when Twitter, WordPress, and the internet are always readily available. I am a Professor of Design. So, it isn't unnatural for me to be a busy body creating websites, posting on my wordpress blog, and actively involved on Twitter.

However, I feel at times that Isolation forms a happy duet with Depression.
Hanging out with it all the time...seems to depress me.

My therapist suggested that I start attending church/ temple.
Are you a spiritual person?

I have been attending now for over a year. It has helped with my socializing skills. Obviously each religious community has holiday events--potlucks, etc that you can attend. The temple I go to even has movie night once a month. I haven't met anyone yet that I would consider having a relationship with. But--I feel that I am in a safe environment. And, I am being social--not isolating all of the time. I am with people who have the same, spiritual beliefs as I do, and I am enjoying myself.

Would you ever consider this as an option?

[Angelwngs25]

Originally Posted by IzzyMarie

I think people are just too perverted at times and can't understand what we go through. I too am on a quest to find a man who shares the same belief system I do. I have no hope that I'll find one though.

What do you mean by you want them to have the same belief system as you?

[IzzyMarie]

Originally Posted by Angelwngs25

What do you mean by you want them to have the same belief system as you?

I mean that I want them to share the same values I do. I.E. things I believe are important to me.

[IzzyMarie]

Originally Posted by RavensPOE

It is to my understanding that most people who suffered sexual abuse and sexual trauma at a very early age--have 1 of 2 personalities:

A. Very outgoing
B. Isolating from the world

There doesn't appear to be a middle ground.
I isolate. And, I struggle very much as a Professor. I have no problem delivering lectures and giving art demonstrations in class. However, when it comes to socially communicating--I suck at it.
I do not socialize with others.
I go home and create, read, write, etc.
To say that I lack the skills to maintain an intimate relationship physically,
mentally, and emotionally is an understatement. I suck at it.

I was the continuous actress in both of my marriages.
Both lasted less than 2 years. I knew I had issues and it wasn't their fault.

I haven't been on a date in a decade. I do not make myself available
to the real world. I isolate. And, it's quite easy to do when Twitter, WordPress, and the internet are always readily available. I am a Professor of Design. So, it isn't unnatural for me to be a busy body creating websites, posting on my wordpress blog, and actively involved on Twitter.

However, I feel at times that Isolation forms a happy duet with Depression.
Hanging out with it all the time...seems to depress me.

My therapist suggested that I start attending church/ temple.
Are you a spiritual person?

I have been attending now for over a year. It has helped with my socializing skills. Obviously each religious community has holiday events--potlucks, etc that you can attend. The temple I go to even has movie night once a month. I haven't met anyone yet that I would consider having a relationship with. But--I feel that I am in a safe environment. And, I am being social--not isolating all of the time. I am with people who have the same, spiritual beliefs as I do, and I am enjoying myself.

Would you ever consider this as an option?

I don't think that would work for me. I've lost any faith I had a long time ago. I do go to group meetings for various things.

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by Angelwngs25

What do you mean by you want them to have the same belief system as you?

What do I mean by having the same belief system?
--If you are Catholic, Lutheran, Jewish, Protestant, Amish, etc--

My therapist is also my Rabbi = we have the same spiritual/ belief system.
It was definitely what was missing from all of my other therapy sessions:
the spiritual component.

It was also what was missing in all of my previous relationships.

If your therapy sessions are not working--have you tried searching for someone who has the same spiritual/ religious belief system as you?

Also, if your previous relationships did not work--have you considered honestly searching for a partner that has the same belief system/ spirituality/ religion as you do?

[profound_betrayal]

So sorry Izzy Marie ..
I cannot give you better advice than a therapist.

BUT I am thinking of you - that in time, your brain will re-learn new thinking habits, to give you the life you deserve ...
to have the happiness & PEACE you truly desire

[Fuzzybear]

[(JD)]

((((safe hug))) Perhaps your need to face your trauma is different than what the T or others might think is "facing" your trauma. The very fact that you wrote about it, to me, means you have met it face to face. I don't believe one must accept or embrace what occurred. That might come much later but truly, PTSD just doesn't allow some things for a very, very, long time!

When I was first injured/disabled and subsequently developed PTSD, I informed my T and wrote about how my faith suddenly disappeared! As time went on and I was once again able to study... I determined that "faith" must be "stored" in at least one key area of the brain which is affected by trauma response as well. Trust me, I was a very deeply religiously a person of faith and of experiences of faith prior to the accident.

I had to learn, by faith, to not doubt in the dark what I knew to be true in the light. And that was about the extent of my "faith" in anything for many years: that I knew that I knew, what I knew about God and faith and His love before the PTSD, and it was the disorder that changed my perception, and it did not change God nor His promises etc.

Okay so maybe you aren't that much of a believer.... I think the key is to not think you have to "go through" the drama of the trauma at all---ever! You can talk about it, around it etc and give the brain other information so it can help you heal... discussions with your T and how to move on in spite of the abuse....all help you heal. Don't get stuck in the thought line of having to go through every detail etc. Actually, discussion of bits of similar feelings etc train the brain how to file those memories, and you might not have to discuss the main one at all, for the brain continues to file ALL similar memories once you show it where to put it.

If the time comes to express all that happened to you, you'll know it and will be ready to do so. Don't push. Going slower at times can make therapy work faster!

[IzzyMarie]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate it. I finally did get to talk to my therapist about it, but didn't go into detail. I feel better now that the stress of having to talk about is off my back. I don't feel any different, but at least it's out there so my therapist and myself can explore opportunities to heal it.

@(JD)
My faith disappeared when I finally put everything together. I thought that I was just one of the ones forgotten and I didn't deserve "God's" help. I still feel that way. I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.