[Werewoman]

....the MI Demon bites you on the butt.

I have spent the last decade - off and on - in treatment for PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. I thought I had healed for the most part - at least, I thought surely I would never try to kill myself again. I thought I had healed beyond the point where killing myself was no longer a possibility. I have recently learned that such a belief is born of the Mind of Fools. When you live with depression day after day, no matter how many times you tell yourself how normal you are now...you aren't. Your brain is different. Your brain is damaged and the chemistry that's supposed to keep certain impulses in check is so out of whack you don't know which end is up anymore. All you know is Pain.

On October 9th, something snapped in my brain, like someone snapping their fingers in my ear, and everything changed. One minute I was sitting in my living room, and the next, mindlessly, I was gathering every bottle of meds I had as well as two bottles of water, and headed out to the graveyard next to my house. You see, there's a place in that cemetery where at least a dozen young children...some died the day they were born - unnamed and forgotten, some died when they were a few months old, and some died in toddler-hood...are abandoned in small graves, the markings barely legible on their tombstones - well, those that have tombstones. I feel safe with them. I identify with those children. I have lived 53 years, yet they are the ones I feel closest to. No one has to tell me why. I know. Part of me envies them, and part of me understands their pain and praises God that they didn't live long enough to know the depth of what they would have suffered - at least I like to to think the possibility exists that's what they may have known and therefore explains why they died so young...thus my envy.


A five letter phrase, spoken by the only person on the planet who ever made me feel safe - "Your life is a lie" - meaning my love of 23 years for him is not real, triggered the part of me that is so damaged and sick, and I found myself sitting amongst those forgotten and abandoned babes, and swallowing dozens of pills until my stomach couldn't hold any more. I couldn't live with the thought that the the only person I can honestly say I loved more than life itself believed my love for him was a lie. After I swallowed all those pills, I really wanted to stay there with the babes, but not thinking ahead (there is no thinking ahead when you are stricken with what I can only describe as "The Snap") I got so cold that I walked the hundred yards or so back to my house, curled up in my chair, and waited to die. Amazingly I didn't. No one called 911. My body rejected the poisons I had ingested - rather spectacularly I might add - leaving me to deal with that unbearable pain - - - again. What can I say...sucks to be me.

I know things will get better, and someday I will look back on this nightmare and tell myself I'm okay, but now I will always wonder...when...........

I now realize that there is really no end to this...that there will always be triggers and that it's unfair to those I love to adapt to them.

Which leads me to the feeling I've always had since I can remember. In the end, people like me always end up the same....in a hospital, homeless, or dead.

Please, please, please! Someone tell me I'm wrong!

My world as I've known it is crumbling around me and I can't stop it.

[passionfruit3]

I feel like you feel like that's what im headed towards death or homelessness though ive been assured not homeless cause of my disability but dead definitely. I don't know how to escape the cycle every failed attempt i say will ne the last then something comes up and theres another one i want to die or get better am i asking to much? Yet so far i can't even die right.

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[Werewoman]

It's never too much to ask to get better.

However, I will agree it's a lot harder to die than it would seem isn't it?

WW

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry about these five words presented to you. I am sorry that sent you into experiencing such a bad PTSD cycle like that, IMHO, the worst cycle is the kind that the PTSD sufferer feels suicidal like that.

These darkest PTSD cycles are the hardest and often the least discussed. It was good that you shared this. What is very important with this kind of deep dark cycle is to understand that even though it feels so completely hopeless, these cycles like the others come in, crest and receed.

Your love was not a lie, even though that idea has been presented. Our perception of what is supposed to be a perfect love is very unrealistic to begin with. There is no such thing as perfect, to think that can be obtained is a fruitless venture. Love changes throughout any relationship because human beings themselves go through changes. Having a good safe love at any period in our lives is precious, existed for us at that stage of our lives.

Now you are challenged with PTSD, you need time to heal and understand it better. Most partners struggle to understand that need that is in the now, but it doesn't change what was experienced that was positive in your past.

You are having some uncertain and confused feelings right now, it's ok to be confused, try not to feed into whatever it is, recognize it, talk about it in whatever way you can and be patient for it to come in, crest and receed because these challenges do pass. If you have a strong cycle where you feel like you want to give up, do not act, understand instead that it will pass and after that you can talk about it and work through it gradually as often these slowly ease up so you can move forward in your healing on a better level.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[passionfruit3]

It is but im at fault there to i get scared every time im at that edge and get help if i didn't i wouldn't be here talking to you. And you don't even get a thank you when you do the right thing it's seen as attention seeking.ive heard it so many times i question myself but i know the truth is apart of me is hoping i will survive my suicide attempt and someone will actually help me someone will show compassion and not judge and keep telling me for the hundredth time what im doing is wrong it never happens that way they throw you in a run down mental hospital

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[(JD)]

Well, yes, thinking you're healed from PTSD is a lie. BUT one can progress to a decent life... once life becomes a little more settled and in control, then the depression will also begin to lift...

Depression tells you lies. You need a mantra so that when you do find yourself thinking negatively you can yell at it saying LIE LIE LIE to the depression (not to your life)... and don't listen to the depression.

Many people who really don't want to end their life are successful because they DO believe that "someone" will "find me in time"...and no one does. Very very few people who I've helped through suicidal thoughts/actions really want to end their life completely... but they do want (and need) to end the life that they are living right now...they need help to change it so it is "livable". Find someone to help you get to that point.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

It is but im at fault there to i get scared every time im at that edge and get help if i didn't i wouldn't be here talking to you. And you don't even get a thank you when you do the right thing it's seen as attention seeking.ive heard it so many times i question myself but i know the truth is apart of me is hoping i will survive my suicide attempt and someone will actually help me someone will show compassion and not judge and keep telling me for the hundredth time what im doing is wrong it never happens that way they throw you in a run down mental hospital

Sent from my SM-T210R using Tapatalk

You know passionfruit3, when I was battling severe suicidal impulses, I was overwhelmed emotionally and with what I was dealing with in my life and when I tried to talk about it, I did not get the right responses. I really believed no one would get it and I would be a burden, and I was being treated that way. And the reason is that no one did get it, they did not know how to help me, they did not understand PTSD and how that challenged me and they tended to get angry about it.

When I look back on all that now, it was not my fault and the family and people around me had no knowledge or understanding about what I had or how to be supportive. I too desperately wanted others to know how bad it was, they did not listen and I too came dangerously close to not being here.

When you find help instead of feeding into the suicidal impulses, no one is going to thank you, because they do not know how challenged you are, people do not understand unless they have experienced something themselves. The average person does little to no reading and educating themselves about PTSD. So the average person has so little to empathize with you the way you want them to. That never means you are unworthy of their empathy and caring and understanding and support, something you must remember.

When struggling with PTSD, it's important to seek out people who DO UNDERSTAND, and CAN PROVIDE you with the empathy and caring that you need so desparately. I felt I was never going to find anyone, I felt hopeless and helpless, but eventually I did find the right therapist and it definitely did help me.

You are not alone with these challenges either, many others who have interacted here in the forum and there have been many all feel that same way and one thing that has been helpful is at least having a place to go and interact with others who can relate with the challenges, some of which have found help and made some gains and can be supportive.

It's very important that you learn how to not feed into the kind of thought patterns that do nothing to help you and tend to be self punishing. It's ok to need help, it's ok to vent things out too. Suicidal impulses come from feeling too much emotion and not knowing what to do with it. It's ok to work on allowing yourself to sit with these emotions instead of thinking you have to run from them or should not feel them. You will get so you begin to recognize that a surge of emotional flashbacks or sense of emotional overwhelm can come in, crest, and then receed. PTSD is a deep hurting, need for comforting and healing. There is no perfect way to heal, a challenged individual needs to have a lot of PATIENCE with self.

[DepressedMyself]

Your post resonated so much with me, I very well know how much you fell for those children, knowing that they don't have to deal with a life that is cruel and sadistic. You say that you have lived 53 years, that shows just how strong you are in this battle. I am only 21 and I don't think I will make it past 4 years or so. I am currently abstaining from suicide but I know that it will eventually engulf me in the end. I'm only living for the benefit of someone else, and I think its selfish.

[Jakewell]

Please, please don't let someone else's words, which passed through them like a burp, said in a fleeting moment, knock you down even one more time.

You are true
You are sincere
You are lovable
You are loyal
Your heart shines through
Your courage will build, like a lightning storm, I pray.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am sorry about these five words presented to you. I am sorry that sent you into experiencing such a bad PTSD cycle like that, IMHO, the worst cycle is the kind that the PTSD sufferer feels suicidal like that.

These darkest PTSD cycles are the hardest and often the least discussed. It was good that you shared this. What is very important with this kind of deep dark cycle is to understand that even though it feels so completely hopeless, these cycles like the others come in, crest and receed.

Your love was not a lie, even though that idea has been presented. Our perception of what is supposed to be a perfect love is very unrealistic to begin with. There is no such thing as perfect, to think that can be obtained is a fruitless venture. Love changes throughout any relationship because human beings themselves go through changes. Having a good safe love at any period in our lives is precious, existed for us at that stage of our lives.

Now you are challenged with PTSD, you need time to heal and understand it better. Most partners struggle to understand that need that is in the now, but it doesn't change what was experienced that was positive in your past.

You are having some uncertain and confused feelings right now, it's ok to be confused, try not to feed into whatever it is, recognize it, talk about it in whatever way you can and be patient for it to come in, crest and receed because these challenges do pass. If you have a strong cycle where you feel like you want to give up, do not act, understand instead that it will pass and after that you can talk about it and work through it gradually as often these slowly ease up so you can move forward in your healing on a better level.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Of course, now, I know my life and love for my husband is not a lie and never was.

Yes, there does seem to be a cyclical aspect to PTSD. I've had it all my life, and depending on where my head is at determines how I react - even when what I'm reacting to is not true. It becomes Truth in that moment, which is what happened to me.

OE, there was no stopping me. There was no thought, no rational side of my brain functioning at all. I was like an automaton, just doing, not feeling. That's never happened to me before. It's terrifying!!

There's a non-profit movement called "To Write Love On Her Arms" that has helped me a great deal, just reading what others have experienced.

Thanks again for your kind words.

WW

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

It is but im at fault there to i get scared every time im at that edge and get help if i didn't i wouldn't be here talking to you. And you don't even get a thank you when you do the right thing it's seen as attention seeking.ive heard it so many times i question myself but i know the truth is apart of me is hoping i will survive my suicide attempt and someone will actually help me someone will show compassion and not judge and keep telling me for the hundredth time what im doing is wrong it never happens that way they throw you in a run down mental hospital

Sent from my SM-T210R using Tapatalk

Unfortunately Sweety, very few people understand suicide for what it really is. They think that suicide is about selfishness and cowardice, but it's not. It's about one thing and one thing only...MAKE THE PAIN STOP. Anyone who says you are being selfish or cowardly is a blithering idiot who needs to educate themselves on MI or shut the hell up.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Well, yes, thinking you're healed from PTSD is a lie. BUT one can progress to a decent life... once life becomes a little more settled and in control, then the depression will also begin to lift...

Depression tells you lies. You need a mantra so that when you do find yourself thinking negatively you can yell at it saying LIE LIE LIE to the depression (not to your life)... and don't listen to the depression.

Many people who really don't want to end their life are successful because they DO believe that "someone" will "find me in time"...and no one does. Very very few people who I've helped through suicidal thoughts/actions really want to end their life completely... but they do want (and need) to end the life that they are living right now...they need help to change it so it is "livable". Find someone to help you get to that point.

I never thought I would heal from PTSD. I've always known the best I can do is learn to live with it in the most productive way possible. I'm okay with that. I've had several decades of dealing with it and learning how to conquer it's demons. What I learned from this experience is that in spite of having a wonderful trauma therapist and pdoc, my sickness can still take control in spite of all my efforts to heal.

At this point in my life, I am struggling with simply getting older, which I'm sure was a contributing factor, especially the despair that there is no safe treatment for what ails me and the quality of my life has been greatly diminished because of it - and affects not only me. That's a difficult thing to accept to say the least.

Thanks for your input!

WW

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by DepressedMyself

Your post resonated so much with me, I very well know how much you fell for those children, knowing that they don't have to deal with a life that is cruel and sadistic. You say that you have lived 53 years, that shows just how strong you are in this battle. I am only 21 and I don't think I will make it past 4 years or so. I am currently abstaining from suicide but I know that it will eventually engulf me in the end. I'm only living for the benefit of someone else, and I think its selfish.

I used to think I wasn't strong enough, too. You'd be surprised what you can survive. Yeah, I had a REALLY bad day, but there is truth in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Hang in there! There are people - like me - who care whether you live or die. The world would be a lesser place without you.

[Werewoman]

An anecdote to all of this...

I convinced my husband to talk to a therapist to learn coping mechanisms on dealing with my PTSD 'crazies'.

I was APPALLED that she told him it's ridiculous to expect him to adapt to living with me. Basically, her assessment was that it was my responsibility to learn to control my PTSD symptoms.

To say that she made things ten times worse is an understatement...

[Open Eyes]

((Werewoman))),

I can so relate to this challenge because my husband has had this same advice and it has not been helpful to me. I want my husband to SUPPORT me, when something bad happens and I get severely triggered (like this morning because it was so bad this morning) I need my husband to validate the fact that I deserve to vent, that it's ok to struggle and he knows I AM TRYING.

Also, you are so right about the suicidal impulses, it's not being selfish, it's wanting the PAIN of it all to END. Struggling with PTSD is no CAKE WALK, it's exhausting, and at times very hard to manage. Everyone that struggles has a very hard time articulating it, wants to so badly though. And then there is this deep knowing that others are simply NOT going to understand it and at times will react in mean ways, insisting the suffer JUST in some way, when the sufferer wants so badly themselves to JUST. It's such a relief when someone else can relate offer support and comfort instead of some kind of JUDGEMENT OR JUST comment.

When I read your first post, I knew exactly what you were feeling because I have been there many times myself. These kind of cycles are VERY CHALLENGING AND LONELY and eventually, what the sufferer has to understand is that YES these dark cycles do take place but they also GO AWAY too. Sometimes it can last for an hour, sometimes the entire day and sometimes a few days, but, they do pass and that is when the sufferer can work on talking them out and often not everything can be articulated, and that is because of how the brain stores things in areas where there is no language.

I have had bad trigger cycles where I just can't talk, my words get slurred. I don't know why that happens, only that when that happens I need to step back and calm down because it ususally happens when I am overwhelmed. When someone struggles with PTSD, they are sensitive and can get overwhelmed and struggle, that is why those who struggle AVOID. And it's not intentional avoiding either, often it is on such a deep subconscious level that it's not so much a conscious choice as the average person would think.

Patience is so important and you are right Werewoman, it's actually surprising how much one can live through and gain in spite of the PTSD. Always keep in mind PTSD is "heightened sense of awareness". It's like being able to hear a pin drop where no one else around you can hear it. It takes time to adjust to that kind of awareness.

[Open Eyes]

"I was APPALLED that she told him it's ridiculous to expect him to adapt to living with me. Basically, her assessment was that it was my responsibility to learn to control my PTSD symptoms." quote Werewoman

The last three days alone for me has been HORRIBLE. I have been dealing with a situation with my elderly parents and an older sister that has been so TOXIC. I have been struggling with this off and on now for a while.

I have been talking to my older brother and him and I are concerned and want to know about my parent's finances and the status of their Will and more importantly we want to make sure we both have a say in their care. I saw my older brother for the first time in almost 20 years this past Monday. My older sister has been illusive with providing us with the financial status and what my parents need. She appeared during our visit at my parents and went immediately on the defensive. She blew up, and vented to her daughter who vented to my daughter who vented anger at me.

In my life everyone around me has boundaries and their boundaries say, "OE, you cannot have PTSD". And yet they do and say toxic things to me that trigger me into having a PTSD episode.

I do work very hard at managing the PTSD and I am sure anyone that reads this who has PTSD knows that is a challenge. It is unfair to encourage individuals that live with someone who struggles with PTSD to the line of thinking you have said here Werewoman. I do not expect others to manage my PTSD, I do know I have to figure that out, but I cannot be told DON'T HAVE PTSD, because I do have it and what I do need is SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING.

Today I was yelled at by both my daughter and my husband, TODAY WAS A BAD DAY, and the PTSD has been badly triggered. I honestly wish I had a video to show how my husband stands there and basically talks down to me in a very loud voice and negative body language.

Today was a BAD DAY.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

"I was APPALLED that she told him it's ridiculous to expect him to adapt to living with me. Basically, her assessment was that it was my responsibility to learn to control my PTSD symptoms." quote Werewoman

The last three days alone for me has been HORRIBLE. I have been dealing with a situation with my elderly parents and an older sister that has been so TOXIC. I have been struggling with this off and on now for a while.

I have been talking to my older brother and him and I are concerned and want to know about my parent's finances and the status of their Will and more importantly we want to make sure we both have a say in their care. I saw my older brother for the first time in almost 20 years this past Monday. My older sister has been illusive with providing us with the financial status and what my parents need. She appeared during our visit at my parents and went immediately on the defensive. She blew up, and vented to her daughter who vented to my daughter who vented anger at me.

In my life everyone around me has boundaries and their boundaries say, "OE, you cannot have PTSD". And yet they do and say toxic things to me that trigger me into having a PTSD episode.

I do work very hard at managing the PTSD and I am sure anyone that reads this who has PTSD knows that is a challenge. It is unfair to encourage individuals that live with someone who struggles with PTSD to the line of thinking you have said here Werewoman. I do not expect others to manage my PTSD, I do know I have to figure that out, but I cannot be told DON'T HAVE PTSD, because I do have it and what I do need is SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING.

Today I was yelled at by both my daughter and my husband, TODAY WAS A BAD DAY, and the PTSD has been badly triggered. I honestly wish I had a video to show how my husband stands there and basically talks down to me in a very loud voice and negative body language.

Today was a BAD DAY.

Quick update: Friday morning, Hubby had a long session with MY therapist, and I'm happy to say that while there are still a lot of issues to work out, at least now he's willing to TRY. I can't ask for anything more than that.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with your family. I know this probably is not a viable option for you, but the people who insist on living in denial and try to tell me I don't have PTSD are no longer a part of my life. It's not an easy thing to do AT ALL, but once you do it, you have a sense of vindication and the RELIEF is unbelievable.

My family has no boundaries, either, and if I was triggered or hurt by them, it was always my fault. You know, 'WW, you're too sensitive', 'WW you exaggerate', 'WW, you don't need therapy, you just need to get a hold on yourself' - blah, blah, blah, BS on top of BS until I found myself practically buried in it. Finally, I had had enough and told them all to go away.

Again, I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I hope it gets better soon.

[Open Eyes]

Oh that's good that your therapist talked to your husband and your husband is willing to try to be more supportive.