RANTING - Triggered

10 years almost 11 and I can still get triggered....

I think im doing ok lol ok yep running myself into the ground - not taking care of my diabetes - financailly screwed till i die

but i try to breathe - takea step at a time

and then - triggered and everything falls apart
TEN FRIKKIN YEARS

MY SISTER SAID DONT YOU WISH YOU HAD HAD KIDS SO THEY COULD HELP YOU AND SEND FLOWERS ON MOTHERS DAY - she had had one or two lol

I said I have helped raise all my brother and sisters kids got up in the middle of the night and fed them changed their nappies - helped out with all of them

i have always stood alone - decided not to have kids cos of my bad blood - another story for another forum lol I DECIDED THAT

i dont regret it

she drinks and she turns the knife in me - then makes me feel bad for being upset - i know how it works

she and her husband (abusive) used to drink and get in afight and scream at the kids or keep them up all night - i would put them to bed if i was there - then he would get them up even if they had school cos he needed company grrrr

I know what its like for a kid to live with shouting and screaming and fighting

now she rings me and slurry voice - oh woe is me - and I want to tell her to F*** off but i cant i have to stay calm on the phone - she talks suicide- asks me why she souldnt for the 100th time - this time i say i really cant think of a reason why... she is shocked..i know she doesnt mean it - ive been to that place and she isnt there ..

so she rings my bro who is dieing of a heart condition and cries on his shoulder - he is in the UK 50,000 miles away - he texts me - my sis over there texts me - take care of your sis lololol if they only knew...

and im sad and angry and wish i could not be here - not suicidal just want to not exist - diabetes will take care of that lol

and i lose it at work because the other person wont stop talking while im trying to write a report and i lose the report and she is all - oh did you do this - well DER I do know what to do its your prattling that made me lose it -

but you cant just say shut up

so I shoutOMG can i just finish this - then i feel bad for losing it ....

get really sad because it will never be over - then angry at myself

nothing changes - i dont learn - I HATE THIS!!!

phoenix7 !

Phoenix

it sounds to me as though you have more often exhibited the patience of a saint (i suspect i would have lost it sooner in the same situations). even saints need a way to let the steam off though.

ha ha you made me laugh thank you :-) maybe I used to have the patience of a saint - now I am more like a ticking time bomb -

today I am just trying to breathe - sends hugs and thank you for letting me rant

You are an angel to your family and a stayer at work!
Make sure you look after yourself and put you first.
Your family may expect you to take care of your sister and she to support her but without making sure you are strong and healthy you are no good to yourself let alone anyone else!
Rant away here whenever you need.I am so thankful to have this forum and it's lovely members who reply to my posts lamenting and rantingGod bless and help you!Marylinx

I am sorry what your sister said to you, That was totally uncalled for and rude. If any one should get the mothers day award. It should be you You were taking care of her children while her and her husband were getting drunk and arguing all the time, I would have went off on her and reminded her of that little detail she seemed to convienly forget, And you have every right to vent and be angry about your brother and expecting you to take care of your sister in her time of need, And then your problems at work, I would have exploded on all of the things you mentioned, Your a stronger woman then me, Any way I am glad you vented you have to get your anger out some where, I think you should start worrying more about yourself and ignore other people's negativity

Stop taking her calls. She may be family but she is toxic.

I totally agree with seesaw, Stop taking her calls, Even family can be toxic and you don't need any toxic negative people in your life

when she is not drinking she is different - although sometimes not very ...dunno..aware? of what she says...

I cant stop taking her calls because if i dont she rings my brother who is dieing of congestive heart failure and cries on his shoulder and he gets stressed and I cant have that..

She has had a hard life with an abusive husband - she drank to be able to cope and is cutting down on her drinking - just when she has one or two now and then and calls it triggers me - somthing i should be good at dealing with but ... well lately im not

maybe cos i am off the anti depressents after 10 years after i was atacked - i told myself that was long enough - and anyway I need my wits about me as my boss doesnt like me and had tried to get rid of me on mental health grounds - lol funny seems its at work I got the PTSD in the first place.. oh well

today i got a bargain - a purse marked $25 when i scanned it was reduced to $2 and i needed a new purse mine is falling to bits - didnt think i could afford the $25 thats why I scanned it and yay! it said $2 so i got 2 lol

and now my phone has died on me ...my laptop died already and i cant afford to replace it - i come here on my break at work ...

I had been listening to hypnotherapy recordings online so i could sleep - i dont sleep much at the moment ....

now I dont have that.....

that was my safety belt ...

and now its gone ...

contact with my family in the UK
contack with some friends i made on facebook that have been friends for years now - just two ...gone...

all I have now is my break on the days I work when i can get to the computer...

feeling anxious and lost..a little..thats why you shouldnt rely on anything ....or anyone ...

the only person you should rely on is you - trouble is i lost trust in myself a long time ago... ten years to be exact - well almost 11 now...

and my cat is over the rainbow bridge.... and my damn fish doesnt talk to me at all lol

oh well...thats life i guess....

the light gets narrower and narrower before it finally goes out...

my phone came back to life - maybe there is some hope left....

How can you do that though? How can you just stop talking to someone whom you care for and is need of help?

I am not disagreeing with the idea, you can't help her if you aren't in a good place yourself, but how do you stop? I deal with this everyday and I have never been able to find an answer. My T keeps telling me I have to worry about me and let other's take care of themselves. But how can I when I know that my actions hurt those around me.

Sometimes, during my "episodes", I do and say things that I can't figure out why I did them later on. When I get like that I can make others very uncomfortable and afraid, especially my friend / roommate. I want to move out but I can't afford it and he couldn't afford the place on his own. But I can't stand the thought that my actions will keep hurting him. I don't think I will ever get better, I don't think that is even possible. Why is it to get better I have to hurt others around me. I don't want anyone around me, I don't want to hurt anyone that doesn't deserve it. I can't trust myself.

Do you leave those in need that you care for in need so you can care for yourself? How does one even begin to do that?

Phoenix7 there is always hope left. Always, it's just hard to see sometimes. Keep at it, you can do this.

When my T - (when I had one) when he used to say something I found hard - I would listen at the time and think that's impossible - the I would go home and over the next week or fortnight before I saw him again I would think about what he had said - then when I saw him again we would discuss the things I was stuck on

My T said it came down to the old oxygen mask thing.....

you are on a plane and the oxygen masks fall - now if you try to help others before yourself you pass out because you havnt put your mask on - put your mask on first then help others - in other words make sure you are ok before you help others - I hope I explained that ok

I hope you talk to your T and I hope you work things out

Hugs if ok

P7

You are incredibly strong *hugs*

I think we all are - or we wouldn't have made it this far - sometimes we just need to rant! ;-)

I would rant today if I could I am angry enough to but also very tired and lack the energy for an outburst,sad I am too!

Thank you Pheonix for your response but I do not want to talk about hurting others with my T as he has the power to place a 72 hour hold on me and I do not want that at all. And if he knew all of what I thought, he could misinterpret and have me held against my will. I am not willing to take that risk as I know myself and if someone tries to hold me against my will I do not know what I will do. But I know I will do what I can to escape that place and I know from experience that I am very capable at fighting unarmed and out numbered.

But then again that train of thought might mean that I need to be held for 72 hours. I'm just afraid of what I feel when they do that.