[Journey-Man]

This week after many sessions and tests, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD when I thought I had a Severe Anxiety Disorder, but my past is pretty murky.

The primary source of my trauma comes from my brother, who when he was 15-16 got heavily into drugs, alcohol and Death Metal. Really his whole demeanor changed, he became a racist and believed by the police to be responsible for burning a Swastika on a black family's roof. He also became a serial rapist, as during that year my father went on deployment to Korea for the entire year. I was 8 years old, and didn't remember this until I was 18, but I was assaulted continually over the year. Though most of the time the way in which he abused me was through manipulation and tricks, he would make deals with me such as playing a game with me if I were to do things to him. Being a child I had no idea, but I also had no idea that he was also assaulting my sister and mom and I even suspect my other brother was subject to abuse as well but my family keeps lots of secrets.

My dad had a stroke during that same year (he didn't know until later) and when he came back he was a lot angrier and ended up running the family into bankruptcy through a secret multi-national prostitution addiction, which he still is in denial about. They both are in denial about it all.

I'm not sure what to do with these things, I don't think obsessing about it cognitively is going to help as it isn't an issue in the Pre-Frontal Cortex, but I feel like the real fear that I have is that the same proclivity and capacity for destruction and suffering lives in me as well. Am I a man of secrets, a man of fury and abuse? Is there something in me that I don't know, or have never been aware of which could trigger given the right scenario?

Sometimes I feel as if I could just sense the suffering of the whole world. As if I could just picture myself in the gas chamber along with the Jews hacking and gurgling on the gas secreted from the shower heads, or I can feel the suffering due to the millions of children who die every year. The emotional weight of humanity is impossible to bear, but I feel like from a neurophysiological perspective I can think about others as if it were myself, which of course triggers my trauma greatly.

I'm glad that I know now, but it does make you feel like damaged goods. I'm a pretty high functioning person who has had success academically and professionally, but I wonder what I would have been like had this not all happened to me. Will I not be able to achieve what I otherwise would have because of this battle that I must face? I won't say that these cognitions are true or factual, but it is hard for me to see how so many people fail and not accept the fact that not everyone's journey has a happy ending. I'm an incredibly ambitious person who longs to make a significant difference in the world, but I wonder if I am strong enough or if I ever will be able to carry that kind of weight.

It seems I have a lot of questions, and I have an extremely overactive mind to ruminate on it all, but I should probably just put it away for now.

[Open Eyes]

(((Journey-Man))),

First, I can see you are a new member so welcome to Psych Central and the PTSD forum too.

I am very sorry that you had to experience a sibling that treated you so badly the way you described. It sounds like you have complex PTSD and that you have a history of feeling threatened and often the "empathy" you are describing comes from having a deep knowledge of what it feels like to be afraid and hurt.

It sounds to me like your brother had problems and may even be a psychopath or lack of ability to care or have empathy for others.

Here is a link you can read through that I found very helpful myself.

Complex post traumatic stress disorder (complex ptsd, pdsd, shell shock, nervous shock, combat fatigue), symptoms and the difference between mental illness and psychiatric injury explained

[Journey-Man]

Thanks Open Eyes for your response and warm greeting.

My brother is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and who knows what else. He has never had consistent treatment and care, as well as almost like clock work having a breakdown with a subsequent binge. I'm grateful I stayed away from alcohol until I was 25, as both of my brothers are alcoholics.

I was a devout Christian before the episode of the last year, and had my whole meaning system utterly destroyed. Though for me, I'm at peace with that now, but I understand that is somewhat common with those who have Complex PTSD. The dichotomy of meaning and purpose with the stark reality of human suffering is truly difficult to bear when one acknowledges the depths of what humanity has had to suffer. Though I am not as familiar with PTSD or Complex PTSD as I am with depression and anxiety disorders (my previous diagnoses).

I read the link too, I found that very helpful! Thank you!

[Open Eyes]

When you read the link I presented, what was helpful in that link is the comparison between hypervigilance and paranoia. When someone struggles with PTSD they are more sensitive and hyperaware.

Now, let's think about depression and anxiety for a minute. A human being functions best when in a structure where there is a sense of predictiblity. A study was done recently to see how the brain reacts when someone is hooked up to a devise that can shock them. First the individual was told that they can be shocked at any time or not at all during a period of time. The brain showed an increase of stress for the entire period that a shock "could/might" take place. Then the individual was told that they would not get a shock until the end of a determined period of time. The brain showed a significant reduction in stress. This is proof that when a human being "knows" when something is going to happen the amount of stress is significantly reduced.

As children we have no choice but to adapt to the environment we are in and if that environment is filled with unpredictible shocks, a child can develop anxiety challenges. However, as a child grows and develops a child will try to find ways that they can have some control over whatever is taking place in their environment that stresses them. This is the beginning of how a child develops their own personal subconscious pattern of having their own sense of structure that provides them with that sense of "control".

When you question, "am I like my older brother or like anyone who abuses or manipulates to gain", that is actually very normal because of how we do have an awareness of learning from others around us. Your brother was so much older than you and because of that he could "trick" you and intimidate you. But, you are the one that got "hurt" by that so right there you are going to be "different" from him.

From what you have described of your brothers becoming alcoholics, and your older brother also abusing and manipulating it sounds like they both had anxiety issues and self esteem issues where they embraced anger, manipulation, and alcohol in an effort to escape "feeling and emotion".

Often if a child is a victim and develops in a hyperaware mindset as you have described, that child may not use alcohol in the same way because of how it can make that individual feel uncomfortable to be under the influence of a drug that can compromise the sense of awareness needed to self protect. You want to "think and learn and be prepared" and that is part of why you embraced being educated and the other things you have talked about achieving.

You said something has happened recently that traumatized you where your awareness about humanity has become hyperaware and very sensitive and can get emotionally overwhelming. I have that challenge myself and I have the same question about what I would be like had my past been different. Well Journey-Man, part of this challenge is how we are actually designed so that we have a desire to sound an alarm of warning so that others will learn and thrive better.

It is also important to allow yourself to recognize that at the same time we are learning more about human nature and the brain itself too so what is known now was an unknown when you were growing up and when your parents were growing and learning and thriving in their generation.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Journey-Man

...it is hard for me to see how so many people fail and not accept the fact that not everyone's journey has a happy ending. I'm an incredibly ambitious person who longs to make a significant difference in the world, but I wonder if I am strong enough or if I ever will be able to carry that kind of weight.

I have identical tendencies, and I have resigned to the believed-by-me-to-be-fact that even all of humanity working together could never save all of humanity. I know there are good resources available for overcoming PTSD, I know anyone who has overcome anything can be helpful to someone else with the same challenge...and then right there, one-on-one with others like ourselves, is where you can make a difference in this ugly world.

[Mystory_myending]

So sorry you had to endure that abuse from your brother, Journey-Man. It sounds like my brother and your brother were cut from the same cloth. My brother was my biggest abuser...from before I can remember (before age 5) to about age 16. He too abuse drugs, alcohol and was into Death Metal. Although he was only 2 1/2 years older than me, he was allowed by my parents to torture, abuse, and torment me endlessly for years. Along with other abuse in my childhood, teenage years and early adulthood, I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD.

As for your fears of engaging in similar things as your family members, it seems that since you are so aware of how destructive and damaging their actions have been you would be less liking to follow the same path. You know what it is to be on the receiving end of that abuse, and your empathy would hopefully keep you from continuing the cycle. You are seeking professional help for your issues as compared to your other family members. That right there shows that you are mindful, concerned and willing to face the reality of your mental state. The answers will come as long as you keep seeking. Hugs to you!!

[Journey-Man]

Thanks Mystory, I really believe that. I have irrational fears sometimes that I am "cut from the same cloth," but when I look to my brother and father, neither of them really asked for help. They never tried to make sense of what was actually going on with their brain and just were driven further into their respective destructive behaviors.

That to me does make all the difference.

[betweenarock]

Welcome. I too experience much of the same issues. Therapy and meds seem to be working but make me not high but physically tired. First week talking about experiences I felt like I was talking about things I wasn't suppose to talk about but actually I saw and experiences things I never should of. The information on the site helps. So does talking and playing some of the distracting games

[Journey-Man]

Originally Posted by betweenarock

Welcome. I too experience much of the same issues. Therapy and meds seem to be working but make me not high but physically tired. First week talking about experiences I felt like I was talking about things I wasn't suppose to talk about but actually I saw and experiences things I never should of. The information on the site helps. So does talking and playing some of the distracting games

Energy is definitely one of the major issues, but I just have to remind myself how important it is to stay active. When I feel unmotivated or lethargic, I just take note of that and proceed on with what I know I should do. Granted I don't do this all the time, but I have been very consistent since my last episode and I am doing much better.

I have my first session of EMDR and am anxious to get these rogue memories integrated properly. I just want to avoid the urge for constant self-referential thinking which in the context of having abuse on the mind can impact your identity. Your amygdala has a major negativity bias, so it's best not to feed it when you're not in a healthy and safe context.

[betweenarock]

Originally Posted by Journey-Man

Energy is definitely one of the major issues, but I just have to remind myself how important it is to stay active. When I feel unmotivated or lethargic, I just take note of that and proceed on with what I know I should do. Granted I don't do this all the time, but I have been very consistent since my last episode and I am doing much better.

I have my first session of EMDR and am anxious to get these rogue memories integrated properly. I just want to avoid the urge for constant self-referential thinking which in the context of having abuse on the mind can impact your identity. Your amygdala has a major negativity bias, so it's best not to feed it when you're not in a healthy and safe context.

I agree. Lucky you. My therapist is trained in it but the clinic doesn't allow that treatment yet. But I do so need it. I push through for the most part. This time I can't get into my saving grace. Art. Usually helps me through. Miss it

[PumpkinPieHead]

Welcome to the community, Journey-Man. Thanks for sharing.

You're in good company, lots of us have experienced sibling on sibling abuse (I get irked when people believe that siblings are a built-in group of besties )
The thing that stuck out to me most about your post is how you, from a neuro-psychological (Is that even a word?) can "feel" what is happening to other people. I, too experience this and always wondered if I'm just a fine-tuned empath, overly-sensitive, or if it is just normal.
It's a blessing and a curse. Feeling others' pain (In addition to my own) is a burden, but it allows me to have a finesse with people that is pretty unique.

[Journey-Man]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Welcome to the community, Journey-Man. Thanks for sharing.

You're in good company, lots of us have experienced sibling on sibling abuse (I get irked when people believe that siblings are a built-in group of besties )
The thing that stuck out to me most about your post is how you, from a neuro-psychological (Is that even a word?) can "feel" what is happening to other people. I, too experience this and always wondered if I'm just a fine-tuned empath, overly-sensitive, or if it is just normal.
It's a blessing and a curse. Feeling others' pain (In addition to my own) is a burden, but it allows me to have a finesse with people that is pretty unique.

Thanks for your response PumpkinPieHead, enjoying being a part of this community.

The word I used was "neurophysiological" which refers to the various structures of the brain and their interrelationship to create the functions of our cognitions, behavior, mood, etc. For me it almost seemed to be that the place in which I processed personal emotional experiences, was extended to other people as well (this is normally processed in a different part of the brain). Where I imagined myself all at once in the shoes of those suffering, experiencing the gruesomeness and concreteness of their suffering rather than in an abstract way as if it was just information.

I remember when I was struggling with my convictions about god, I had been thinking about the massive earthquake in Lisbon in 1755. People had been worshipping in their churches on All Saints Day when a massive earthquake struck and destroyed a majority of the buildings, sending tens of thousands running for protection. The problem was, the earthquake had also triggered a tsunami which engulfed those from the downtown and harbor areas, running from the destruction. I just imagined myself being there and witnessing the destruction, and praying out to god for deliverance and rushing to safety only to be obliterated by a wall of water.

I know it happened a long time ago, but when I was a Christian it really registered with me and disturbed me greatly. I had a lot of other experiences like it, but that "in their shoes" emotional reaction was definitely a powerful and indeed disturbing experience.

I'm grateful for it in some ways, as I am very socially aware now of suffering in the world and the edifices that cause these things. I'm an INFJ who is passionate about politics and wants to have an impact on the world, and my mental problems have in many ways fed that innate emotional proclivity (for good or ill). I guess I'm now in the process of learning wisdom about how to manage these emotions and proclivities in a way that promotes health and well-being so that I can actually be of help to anyone but myself. But I'm taking the advice to start with the man in the mirror.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Journey-Man, can you add a trigger thingy to the paragraph about the earthquake? As you know, I'm empath and now I'm thinking about those people in Lisbon too!

Next question: what is an INFJ?

[Journey-Man]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Journey-Man, can you add a trigger thingy to the paragraph about the earthquake? As you know, I'm empath and now I'm thinking about those people in Lisbon too!

Next question: what is an INFJ?

I think it's too late for me to edit, sorry about that. INFJ is one of the Meyer's Briggs personality types which constitutes 1% of the population (rarest personality). It an extremely idealistic personality type, in that I am always wrapped in some world sized idea. I was a Congressional Delegate this last election and have a very extensive education thanks to my unending curiosity and that I am always trying to figure out the basis of morality, or reality itself, or thinking how I could fix major societal problems with policy changes.

I really like that about myself, but in the context of mental illness it can supply unending triggers.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Está bien, mijo. You can add triggers around a block of text by: [trigger] Hi there! [trigger /]

Remove the space I included in the closing trigger bracket and "Hi there!" would be blocked.
Thanks for sharing that info about the personality type. I wanna take a personality test to ascertain what I am myself.

[betweenarock]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Journey-Man, can you add a trigger thingy to the paragraph about the earthquake? As you know, I'm empath and now I'm thinking about those people in Lisbon too!

Next question: what is an INFJ?

Jung personality rating score