[topherlee75]

I started reading the posts in here and started crying.

The way certain things trigger me.

The walls I have.

The failed relationships and the way they failed every time.

My OCD.

Panic attacks.

Paranoia.

Could it all stem from PSTD due to trauma from neglect and abuse as a child?

Even writing this I tear up, somewhat relieved I know yet scared at the fact, knowing that the abuse from my childhood is causing issues today but.

I have severe abandonment issues. And the more I dig into my past and learn why, I am getting quite needy when it comes to physical touch and closeness. Almost clingy.

I'm not liking it. When people don't respond to me it drives me insane and I start over thinking "what did I do wrong?" "What happened". "What do I need to do to fix this?"

Help me?

[Skeezyks]

[topherlee75]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

That's the biggest thing I need. Just a hug, and to cuddle. Just simply to feel that comfort. But as a male asking for that it's expected that I want sex... and it comes across odd when I say sex is not expected.

For for other reasons, that in time you all will learn that happened in my adult life, it is difficult to make friends that really want to get close.

So I am hoping to find some solace here. And learn ways to cope. I'm ok with everything. Truly. I understand it effects me today and that this triggers that and I can put it all together.

Stupid psychological training in prison. Figure it out yet?

I just want to learn to cope. And manage. I'm highly successful in business. And people know my past. And I'm ok.

But in my personal life I'm a mess.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

That's the biggest thing I need. Just a hug, and to cuddle. Just simply to feel that comfort. But as a male asking for that it's expected that I want sex... and it comes across odd when I say sex is not expected.

For for other reasons, that in time you all will learn that happened in my adult life, it is difficult to make friends that really want to get close.

So I am hoping to find some solace here. And learn ways to cope. I'm ok with everything. Truly. I understand it effects me today and that this triggers that and I can put it all together.

Stupid psychological training in prison. Figure it out yet?

I just want to learn to cope. And manage. I'm highly successful in business. And people know my past. And I'm ok.

But in my personal life I'm a mess.

Figure what out? What happened in your adult life? If you are not comfortable sharing that , don't. People here are going to support you either way. None are perfect, and we all make mistakes and accomplishments. Are you seeing a therapist now? Sounds like that would be a good option for you, to get the tools you need to meet these goals in life. What do you think?

[topherlee75]

I've seen therapists. And I get to a point with them where it's "you seem to be doing the right things, what's wrong?" And I never seem to be able to fully convey what I'm trying to say. So I give up.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

I've seen therapists. And I get to a point with them where it's "you seem to be doing the right things, what's wrong?" And I never seem to be able to fully convey what I'm trying to say. So I give up.

You haven't found the right therapist. Don't give up. This is your life we are talking about and it sometimes takes several T's before you find the right one. Find one that can help you, t will be worth it. You seem pretty miserable right now. It will take a lot of work and be hard. Is it worth it to you to commit to that type of work? If not you will be wasting your time. I know...sounds a little harsh but it's true. I had to have that come to Jesus meeting with my self to get serious about therapy. Keep looking.

[topherlee75]

That's kind of where i am at. But I'm sick of all the wasted money and time. I fully aware of what's up and why. And really don't wanna dig into the dark side of the childhood stuff but fear it going to be a necessity. I got so tired of my family not understanding the word no there was a blow up over my grandmothers funeral and I was so uncomfortable being around family I didn't go. I refuse to be neglected by them anymore.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

That's kind of where i am at. But I'm sick of all the wasted money and time. I fully aware of what's up and why. And really don't wanna dig into the dark side of the childhood stuff but fear it going to be a necessity. I got so tired of my family not understanding the word no there was a blow up over my grandmothers funeral and I was so uncomfortable being around family I didn't go. I refuse to be neglected by them anymore.

Yes, I understand it can be expensive and a waste of time. That's why you need to educate yourself on what the issues are, can the therapists help you with those issues, ask the therapist lots of questions. Remember they are working for you, this is about YOU now and getting back on track with a life you can enjoy. Have you gone to the Childhood Emotional Neglect forum? Some good articles there. Dealing with dysfunctional families is every where , about every forum sadly.

Through a situation out there and ask others how they would handle it? No specifics, just general info.

Childhood stuff is the root of a lot of problems for people here. You are in understanding company here.

[topherlee75]

I overthink when I feel people ignore me. Horribly. Just thinking about it several instances come to mind from one of my employees to my recent failed attempt at a relationship that I still don't even know if it was a relationship or not or if I just overthinked it to death because I felt neglected one time and now we are just roommates and it's all weird now because I tried to explain and shes probably moving out anyway.

Or when I ask a question and people don't respond and i freak out wondering what the hell i did wrong to upset them and I start this string of apologies to them.

It sucks in dating. I wasn't this way.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

I overthink when I feel people ignore me. Horribly. Just thinking about it several instances come to mind from one of my employees to my recent failed attempt at a relationship that I still don't even know if it was a relationship or not or if I just overthinked it to death because I felt neglected one time and now we are just roommates and it's all weird now because I tried to explain and shes probably moving out anyway.

Or when I ask a question and people don't respond and i freak out wondering what the hell i did wrong to upset them and I start this string of apologies to them.

It sucks in dating. I wasn't this way.

Check this article out https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...lly-neglected/

Dating always sucks, too much trying involved. Just let things come to you naturally, but first get your life together.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

I overthink when I feel people ignore me. Horribly. Just thinking about it several instances come to mind from one of my employees to my recent failed attempt at a relationship that I still don't even know if it was a relationship or not or if I just overthinked it to death because I felt neglected one time and now we are just roommates and it's all weird now because I tried to explain and shes probably moving out anyway.

Or when I ask a question and people don't respond and i freak out wondering what the hell i did wrong to upset them and I start this string of apologies to them.

It sucks in dating. I wasn't this way.

Turning in for the night. Will talk again tomorrow.

[topherlee75]

I am noticing that the neglect/abandonment thing affects my job too. If people don't pay attention to me or get overbearing with me, I will close down or get super aggressive depending on my position.

And I'm in management. I run a successful business, but I stay a mess.

Today an incident happened (it's well known I have control/anger issues and it's known I'm working on it but who knows how long it will be tolerated) when I was on the phone with my "right hand" at the main office. We were discussing a problem, had to get off the phone, when she called back I was in the middle of something else and I answered because I wanted to talk when I finished. As we were talking, I remembered I was supposed to be doing something else and said "stop! Hold it! I gotta do this before I forget" and went about doing what it was and then she got busy on her end and I said "well when you get done call me back".

Ok. I felt the "she's not paying attention to me" and kinda got pissed. This actually does happen a lot where I will be on the phone with her and be in the middle of a conversation and she will just stop and be talking to someone else like our conversation doesn't matter.

And it drives me insane.

And I think she heard the anger in my voice. Cause the owner called.

[topherlee75]

Im afraid if I tell them what's really up... they won't want me around anymore.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by topherlee75

Im afraid if I tell them what's really up... they won't want me around anymore.

It sounds even more so that you should reach out to a professional to help you deal with these issues. Write these situations down and keep on hand. Give a copy to your counselor/therapist and make sure to keep a copy for yourself. Therapist on a whole have been disappointing for me and may be so for you as well. I've had more success with a Psychologist personally. They seem to be more interested in things that happened in earlier life. But again I provided a list of this that bother me and a list of things that happened in my earlier life that may be an issue with what I'm dealing with now.

They can only help us with what we tell them we are going through. Most are very open minded about what you tell them, if they are any good at all. And if they are not, that's a red flag to find someone else. Therapist are like everyone else. There are good ones and bad ones in the field. Don't take it personally if you run across a bad one. Just keep looking for that right one.