*****!!!!

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 10, 2004, 10:18 PM

This night keeps getting better and better, ARGH!!!!!!!

Got a call from 'T' one of the people that assaulted me, when i was passed out on my couch.

molested me.

Well looks like he will likely be out in the town that I will be out in Friday the 13th, well i'll be at my marina, this is the big biker harley weekend....

Hopefully he wont show up and I wont run into him in town.
all the streets will be blocked off, I can get in because me and my mom will have a pass so we can get into our marina.

That would be ****** ... Hope he doesn't go, he makes me so uncomfortable.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

SweetCrusader · Aug 11, 2004, 01:16 AM

aww, sundance!

i am so sorry about this! i'm sure this seriously compromises your feelings of safety (to say the very least). i really, really hope it all goes ok!!!

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

mandala · Aug 11, 2004, 07:42 AM

((((sundance))))

Keep safe... you have every right to be scared and to protect yourself.

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 11, 2004, 09:38 AM

He wont try anything, he hasn't except for that one night.

But i'm no longer comfortable with him, and no longer consider him a friend.

I don't think he realized that i was wrong. He asked me after the fact, after I stirred after feeling frozen in place, I knew what was going on, but my brain wouldn't react.

He told me, he used fingers and the next day I was itchy. Weird thing he said though after he told me he said.

Enough molesting little girls....

How creepy is that?

I emailed him last night to let me know when if he is going to be down there friday. He is.

So I guess i'll be stuck with him at some point. I'll only be able to avoid him so long.

I don't know if he still considers us friends? Not sure, but i've ignored him and he's noticed that, and probably doesn't understand why.

Oh well.

So now my weekend could be ruined.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

SweetCrusader · Aug 11, 2004, 01:27 PM

are you ready to confront him about the fact that you aren't friends anymore, yet?

if not, i totally understand. i just thought it might help get him away from you.

and yeah, that IS CREEPY. ew. what a sicko!

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

shakes · Aug 11, 2004, 01:34 PM

Sundance,
I think that this is one of those situations where you have to let this guy know that you are NOT friends and you do not want to see him. If he does not realize that what he did was wrong then something is really wrong with him. Please keep yourself safe and do not let this get you down.

Jessica

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
~Seether and Amy Lee

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 11, 2004, 05:18 PM

I haven't confronted him about it, never have.

I'm not comfortable with it because I don't want to have to answer questions.

I don't know yet if i'm going Friday, I'm supposed to be, we'll see.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

Aug 11, 2004, 10:36 PM

If you want that I should take care of him, just say da word. (Jon gruffly says in his best godfather impersonation)

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 12, 2004, 10:53 AM

hehehehe

He likely wont do anything, I think I will go tomorrow, why not, I should be able to go wherever I want to if he is there or not. Doesn't mean I have to talk to him, look at him etc.

If I feel that uncomfortable around him I wont be close to him. What he did happened about 5 years ago- and my twin still talks to him, but I think he weirds her out as well. So maybe she wont call him and meet up with him, I hope not. If I don't message back tomorrow night that means I left and will let you know how everything went on Sunday.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

shakes · Aug 12, 2004, 12:58 PM

Sundance,
Good for you!!!! You are exactly right. Do not let this guy control what you do. I hope that you had fun.

Jessica

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
~Seether and Amy Lee

gloria · Aug 12, 2004, 03:17 PM

How about asking him about what he did in an email? In that way, he'll reply in writting.
Then if he ever tries to be "friendly" again, and you don't want him to be, just remind him you have a confesion in writting from him and he needs to leave you alone.

gab

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 13, 2004, 11:56 AM

This happened like 5 years ago, don't feel right bringing it up now.

Besides he knew what he did was wrong because of that comment he said before he left..

"enough molesting little girls" That's guilt right there so obviously he knew the he was in the wrong. Why he wanted to do that to me that night I have no idea cause he never did anything like that before. I've only seen him a few times and have ignored him, he thinks i'm a ***** likely but good... It's too long now to confront him. He isn't exactly right in the head either, he can get weird sometimes.

He stares alot too, it's freaky, cause you can feel him watching you without having to glance his way.

But I don't even know if i'm going to the boat, not because he might be there before it's crappy weather out and a bit chilly so being on the water is going to be colder...

I have until 6 to figure it out.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

(JD) · Aug 13, 2004, 04:24 PM

Sorry Sundance... no one deserves these kinds of feelings....

I'm confused though... but then, you and I often post in different terms, so this is a normal state for me. You don't need to ever answer, but at some point, if you wish, tell me how you absolutely know he molested you. I mean, wait, no-- look at only what I'm reading here.
You were passed out. You never confronted him with what you suspected. You had body sensations. You file additional things he says as references to your molestation.

In any event this is a bad situation that has continued to "haunt" you... and has become somewhat traumatic. That's a bad thing. Since it has been such a long time, I think it might be time to think about how you can confront him, and settle it once and for all. Not being sure, and allowing him to control the issue is not healthy.

try to find the truth... finding that is tough when you have PTSD, I know.

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 14, 2004, 11:27 AM

I wasn't passed out, I leaned back into him after the massage, from relaxation, and the booze.

Now this is a major trigger

He was touching my breasts, and my brain clicked in but my body froze. I couldn't move. After a bit of that he unbuttoned my pants and inserted his fingers. I was shocked but still couldn't move. He was supposed to be my friend, but friends don't do that to someone, if she's been drinking or not. I wanted to do something, but couldn't budge, I just wanted it to be over. He just kept touching me so forth... I was frozen.

After while he did up my pants, pulled my top down and I stirred, I could move again, I looked over at the other couch and my friend was still passed out, surely if she was awake she'd make a comment.

After a bit he said do you know what I did, I said no. And he told me, after that he said before he left Enough molesting little girls. So obviously he knew what he did was wrong. I didn't know what to say, or how to react, so I hugged him goodbye and said thanks? I still didn't know what to say, and that's what came out.

The next day he came down again and wanted me and my twin to go to his place for the movies. MY sister said no and said that I should go. I had a massive panic attack and didnt want to be around him again, he scared me and made me really nervous. I declined and when he left I told her and she was disgusted. that happened about 5 yeas ago but I still see him from time to time and still get anxious around him. I ignore him the best that I can, and I think he doesn't understand why I would act that way towards him, but I wont tell him why, it's too awkward. He's been weird with my sister too, don't know if he's done anything to her however.

I didn't end up going to the boat, stayed with my boyfriend, so don't know if he ended up there or not.

I just don't feel comfortable bringing it up to him after this time, I don't want to be around him, and try not too even though him and my sis are friends still, I think they are.. It's too uncomfortable, and I don't want to make a scene and have people questioning why I'm acting that way......

*****!!!!

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

mandala · Aug 14, 2004, 11:51 AM

Sundance,

Hi,

First off, I completely understand why you froze and how uncomfortable and betrayed you feel over this.

But I do have an alternative perspective... actually two...

I had a friend in college who gave great massages and he would constantly try to turn them sexual. He got laid a lot, lol, as a massage can be great foreplay. I had to constantly be on my guard and say "no" because otherwise he would try to take it further.

Second, my h has been known to come to bed (when I am pretending to be asleep, lol) and start touching me. Even if I don't anything, he will keep it up for a few minutes, trying to wake me or get my attention or something???

I think this guy was probably a bit taken aback that you said you didn't know what happened. I think he did the responsible, considerate thing by explaining it you. I think his remark about "molesting" wasn't because he thought he did something wrong, but becasue your saying you didn't know what happened, and your lack of response, made him feel he was dealing with a child.

He probably felt awkward and embarassed at what he had done, as he probably assumed you welcomed the touch, and he only stopped when he got absolutely no response from you -- and he went to the trouble of redressing you -- that was very respectful, I think.

I think he probably feels odd over what happened... probably doesn't understand your reaction. He may be a creep, but what he did doesn't seem like a molestation to me... more like two adults with different ideas of what is appropriate.

And... geesh... if I had a dollar for every time a guy who was supposedly a "friend" came on to me... oh geesh, I'd be rich.

So... in no way do I mean to minimize the impact this had on you... just offering you a different perspective, so maybe you'll feel less triggered and betrayed.

In my book, he still wouldn't be someone I would want to hang out with, even if what he did doesn't count as criminal "assault". He crossed some boundaries and I am not personally comfortable with friends doing that. But that is different from abuse... uncomfortable and wrong in a different way.

best of luck, M

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 14, 2004, 12:03 PM

I've had issues with that kind of thing before by with one of the 9 excluding 'T'..

He never ever did anything like that to me before, so when it happened I was confused and baffled as well as uneasy. Why he thought he could do that I have no idea.

He isn't exactly right in the head mentally, he's got his own problems and still do.

This is aparently not the only time he did something like this, my friend claims it happened to her as well at his place one night.

That comment to me suggests guilt, also because he has like 5 or 6 years on me, older.

I knew what was happening but didn't say anything to him about it.

It may have not been a 'molestation' but it was sexual assault none the less.... He's made weird advances to my sister before, and we all know he is a bit weird and creepy. He stares at you and doesn't blink, it's disturbing. Very uncomfortable, alarms go off like crazy when he is around....

It still affects me when I see him, my psychiatrists just tells me not to be around him, and that's what I plan to do.

I don't think he assumed I welcomed the touch because he knew how much tequila I had consumed.....

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

SweetCrusader · Aug 14, 2004, 01:26 PM

It sounds like a sexual assault to me. And I agree that his comment seems to suggest a guilty conscience.

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

(JD) · Aug 14, 2004, 05:47 PM

Gee, that's quite a scenario and I'm sorry it happened to you. I am somewhat relieved to realize that when you say "T" you are referring to someone with a name that begins with a T and NOT A THERAPIST??? I kept thinking it was a therapist that you had trusted, therefore you realize my confusion with why you were passed out ... OK? Sorry.

No one deserves to have such intrusion of personal space, much more of body... I can understand where Mandala's coming from , too, though.

Obviously, though you have posted before of how you got over PTSD, you are still suffering from it. As this is a major trigger, I hope you can continue working through it with your therapist. You are to be commended for what steps you have taken, and where you are already, though.

Aug 14, 2004, 11:10 PM

I understand where Mandala is coming from, but perhaps I am just one in a million; but I've always had a policy never to get involved with someone while they were under the influence. I was never a player, but there have been a couple of opportunities I passed up because of this policy. Sundance sweetie, you are such a wonderful person, with such inner beauty and strength; you're such a blessing to so many of us here. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us. This too shall pass.
Blessings,
Jon

mandala · Aug 15, 2004, 09:37 AM

Jonalexa,

I wish everyone were like you... I, too, avoid getting involved where alcohol is concerned.

The thing is... when women drink, usually the guys are drinking too... everyone's judgment and boundaries are impaired. It's unfortunate but true... I don't expect a man who has been drinking to be on his best behavior... my father in law was an alcoholic and when he drank he was AWFUL -- not sexually, but he was a nasty bigot with a big mouth.

Sundance,

He took advantage of you (that is very clear) and it was awful freezing up like that. I can see why the incident would be very traumatic. I do want to ask you, though, why you let him give you a massage if he gave you the creeps... and why you were leaning against him afterwards.

I agree he was out of line... but sometimes those of us with PTSD just don't advocate for ourselves the way we should. For instance, we "see" the red flags... the guy gives up the creeps and weirds us out but we are unable to translate that instinct into appropriate protective action "I shouldn't let this guy touch me"

I say this because I, too, got in a couple of uncomfortable situations like you describe and I had to put a lot of thoughts into figuring out where I needed to said "NO" very emphatically. Unfortunately, saying nothing will often be interpreted as consent.

Anyway, I don't intend to offend, this is just based on my own experience and healing process. M

(JD) · Aug 15, 2004, 02:36 PM

Yeah... I don't drink at all anymore, and wouldn't in public even if I weren't on medication... just because of what I see of those who do.

Those of us who have been here on this site pretty much know each other well enough to know none of us intend on offending anyone. Sometimes due to our own bad day or the other's...things aren't said right or taken right. We all mean well, and mainly only to help here. (We do often need information in our own format to understand, though.)

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 15, 2004, 05:34 PM

Sorry to confuse you there skybark.

When I am reffering to my T I say shrink or psychiatrist. *****!!!!

T is one of the 9 that has assaulted me etc.

Don't want to mention his name on here ya know.

I have come a huge way in terms of my PTSD. I have a feeling that I will always get triggers. There are bound to be a time where I run into someone from my past. "T" I didn't see this weekend because I didn't go down to the boat, no regrets.... I had a good weekend with my boyfriend ...

So I'm feeling better about that....

Everytime there is a trigger I write it down in great detail on paper and always bring it into my sessions. My psychiatrist recommended that if I did go to the boat this past Friday to stay away from him, and I guess I did that huh.

The fact that he is still in contact with my sis is a bit weird, but oh well. What can you do. I am never home anyways so if he's been to the house recently I wouldn't have known, and if he was coming that i'd likely make it a point to not be here. Avoidance with people like that from my past I think is key .... to keep me from becoming stuck.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 15, 2004, 05:35 PM

My thoughts exactly SweetCrusader,

You wouldn't say something like that if you weren't feeling guilty at all. He knew some what of my past with my ex and others prior to this, so he should have known that I wouldn't consent to anything like that...

He's just a weird guy all around. Just going to try and keep my distance from him, then I wouldn't have to worry about triggers etc. That's the plan, I hope that I stick to it. *****!!!!

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

hamstergirl · Aug 17, 2004, 08:46 AM

I agree with Jonalexa. You don't take advantage of someone when they're passed out. They can't say "No," and they can't fight you off. You can't defend your body space when you're like that.

Having sex with someone while they're passed out, well it's honourless! You leave them alone to sleep it off (You check on them to make sure they don't choke.), but other than that, you back off.

Which is one big reason why I drank alone, during my drinking days, so no one would take advantage of me. But people will often drink in groups at parties and some will take advantage. What, you can't get sex with this person any other way? That's pathetic! You do it when both partners are conscious because sex is a two way street. Especially since the woman can get pregnant and because of all the risks nowadays.

Now I don't have any experience with men in this department. Maybe I've lived in isolation for too long. But that's the way I see things. I've had plenty of time to think this through.

Oh, if you can't get a "yes" from this person as to whether to have sex with you, (while they're conscious), then the sun will still come up in the morning. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

If you get your jollies from having sex with unconscious people, then you are a danger to those around you. You need help, because this sort of thing can progress to something worse.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

Butterfly_Faerie · Aug 17, 2004, 09:05 PM

I wasn't fully passed out, I was on the verge of it, and the first touch sobered me up instantly, and I just froze... my mind was working but my body wasn't.

He didn't have sex with me, but ........he used his fingers. And groped around, still wrong though none the less.

This was someone that I was supposed to be safe with because then he was good friend of mine. He was older, but I didn't think he'd act like that.

I just found out that aparently when this happened he was doing alot of drugs, every single one of them around that time. But he still should have known better the to assault someone. He knew a bit about my past and he should have known I was off limits, he's never made advances to me before that and that is what threw me ...

But again- It was still wrong.

~Sundance~

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

Norman Vincent Peale

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