[Berries]

I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. But it's been 3 years now since the break up.
I moved in with my mom a couple of months ago.
When my mom gets really frustrated or angry she tends to throw things and shouts out curse words.
The first time she did it (not at me), was right after the break up and I really freaked out. I had to leave the room and talk myself down, cause I was feeling really scared.
We talked about it later and she said she wouldn't do that ever again.
Well, she has done it again, twice in the past week. The first time was a minor upset for her but I reacted strongly. I went in my bedroom and covered my ears and tried not to cry, but some tears came out.
She apologized after and we talked. Turns out she was bottling up a lot of stuff about me. I have been having a really rough time lately, and she is very worried and stressed about it.
Then yesterday, she dropped a bottle of wine in the garage. I heard the glass break and I guess knew she would be mad and just tuned it out. Then she started yelling in frustration. I literally went to the opposite end of the house, stood in a corner and tried not to be scared.
Then I realized she wasn't just yelling in frustration, she was yelling at me to help her and yelling that she couldn't understand why I wasn't helping her.
So, I went into "panic damage control mode" just like I used to do in my abusive relationship and ran to help her. But, when I got to her and she started asking me why I didn't come when I heard the glass break, I just totally lost it and started sobbing, shaking and my breathing got a little labored. All the while, I was trying to explain to her why I didn't come right away. But, I actually didn't know at first so it took a while before anything I said made any sense to her.
Anyway, she felt terrible and apologized. Then she promised to never yell or throw stuff again.
Now I feel guilty. That's kind of her outlet. Yelling and throwing stuff. She never breaks anything or berates me or anyone. It's pretty minor.
But, apparently I can't handle it so now she feels like she has to curb her only outlet--just for me.
I also feel mad and ashamed that I am apparently not "over" the abuse.
But, I don't know how to not have that reaction.
I told her she didn't need to promise to never do it again.
But, I did ask her to either call her doctor to increase her ativan or talk to someone about stuff so she doesn't get so agitated. That she wouldn't do.
So, at the same time I feel guilty, I feel mad at her. I recently got back on meds because she asked me to and now she won't do the same when I ask her to.
I don't want this to happen again, but I really don't know what to do.
I don't even know what "this" is. I have never considered PTSD to be an issue with me. I don't think "this" is a flashback. I had a lot of bad nightmares for a while after the break up. But not anymore. And I know my mom would never abuse me.

[Sannah]

Your mom did stuff like this when you were growing up? If she did, when she does it now it just sends you back to when you were a small child and you were very afraid of her outbursts?

[Berries]

No, my mom wasn't like that when I was a kid. She started this some time after I left home at 18. I'm 42 now and just recently moved it with her. I didn't even know she had this.
Anyway, she's not the problem.
I think it's my abusive ex. It's my mom's recent behavior. It's a lot like my ex's. Except with my ex, yelling and throwing stuff was just the beginning of an awful drawn out emotional and mental beating.

[Sannah]

So you are just being triggered then? Don't feel bad about that. It sounds pretty normal. Can you tell yourself now that you are safe when you get triggered?

You say that you feel guilty that your mom needs to stop this and then you are upset with her when she won't call her doc. This makes me think that your's and your mom's boundaries are a little enmeshed?

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Lbien6

No, my mom wasn't like that when I was a kid. She started this some time after I left home at 18. I'm 42 now and just recently moved it with her. I didn't even know she had this.
Anyway, she's not the problem.
I think it's my abusive ex. It's my mom's recent behavior. It's a lot like my ex's. Except with my ex, yelling and throwing stuff was just the beginning of an awful drawn out emotional and mental beating.

Hi Lbien,
It's a tough situation for you to be in, and I'm glad you found this community. Thank you for sharing with us. There's a lot of support and caring here.

Just a thought, but were you able to get any type of counseling after the breakup of the abusive relationship? It can help tremendously while you work through the affects of it...it's never too late to get guidance about it.
My daughter is staying with me while she gets back on her feet after leaving a domestic violence situation. She's seeing a counselor and has benefited from it.
The counseling has also helped her understand the dynamics of a grown child moving back in with a parent.
I've never attended a session with her, but we have had several talks about different things. As time goes on, the "topics" change obviously.
It's not always easy and we have had our problems.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing,
Cap

[skymonk]

Sounds like you're having a triggered reaction to your Mom's behavior-I have reactions to things people do or say. People that don't know anything about me or my past. That's how triggers work. It also sounds to me like you're being asked to be the parent to your parent whether it's a conscious thing or not on your Mom's part. Her refusal to not help herself is not your problem-they're her overblown reactions&if she really cared she'd do something about it-not blame you&how you are. You are how you are&you're trying to work things out-this may be a lifelong thing-working things out&some people just refuse to acknowledge that. Her expecting you to know to come help her clean up after she dropped a wine bottle was wrong-you're not a mind reader. She knows her behavior makes you hurt&she's promising not to do it again sounds like it may be similar to how your ex treated you. She knows what kind of shape you're in&blaming you for her behavior is wrong. Do you blame her for how you feel when she hasn't blown up at you? I know it's stressful to live with someone who's ill, but that's no excuse to use them as an excuse for bad behavior on their part. If she can't handle having you with her or with some behavior you have-she should voice it without yelling or throwing things-she needs to help herself. We're all trying to help ourselves, that's why we're here. Try to be empathetic, but don't let her use you as an excuse for bad behavior-her inability to deal with something is her issue&she needs to help herself-you can't do it for her&she shouldn't expect you to. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I know she's trying to help you&keep you safe&that's great-its more than my family or friends are willing to do for me-just tell her "Look, it seems like you're having trouble dealing with things, why don't you go to your t&see if your t has some less troublesome solutions on how to deal with however you're feeling?" Don't let this go-it will just get worse if you don't speak up even though it's probably very hard to. Sounds like at least you can talk to your Mom&that's a good start.

[Fuzzybear]

[phoenix7]

Hi Lbien6,

I agree with others here that the shouting of your mother is probably triggering you to re-experience feelings from your abusive relationship -
are you getting any help dealing with this? seeing a psychologist or counciller may help you deal with both your reactions and the triggers that spark them off.

If your mum never used to shout and is now then maybe talking to someone would help her too - there are other ways of getting rid of stress that could help her better handle thing s and would not trigger you.

you said that you felt "mad and ashamed " that you were not over the abuse - you have been hurt and it takes time to heal - be kind to yourself - treat yourself as you would your best friend - if your friend told you of this situation would you be angry and ashamed of her?
its hard - we all want to be over it NOW! but it takes - heres that word - time - and its differnet for everyone - I hope things improve for you and your mum soon P7

[Berries]

Thank you everybody!
I do try to talk myself down by reminding myself that it’s not my ex abusing me; it’s my mom who loves me. Doesn't work. Frustrating!!It's been 3 years for gosh sakes!
I was seeing a therapist while with my ex, and kept seeing this T for these 3 years after the breakup, then I moved across the country to live with my mom. I know my old T and I talked about it, so I don’t understand why I am still not over it and why my ex is still messing with my head--in many other ways, too.
I started with a new T 3months ago, right when I moved in with my mom. Just for general help with my bipolar & OCD.
When I told my T about my reaction to my mom's yelling, he said the same thing, Sannah—sounds you are enmeshed. He asked me if he could meet with my mom (alone!). He said he wouldn’t want to do it if it was going to effect my therapuric relationship with him and asked me to think about it.
I don't know if I should?????
But since I originally posted, I remembered that she DID do this when I was a kid. About once a month she would scream and slap my face for no reason and always promised to never do it again. But she always did it again. Which makes me think that her recent behavior isn’t going to stop, just because she promised me she wouldn’t do it again.
So, I’d better learn some coping skills, since I’ll be living with her for a very long time. (very willingly living with her, in all other respects she is great!).
Good news though—My mom has since told me that she called her doctor and is getting a med adjustment. So, I feel good about that.

[skymonk]

Good to hear you have a t&that your Mom is getting help too. Maybe you can find out from her more about her childhood or marriage that may still be affecting her. She may not want to talk about it, but that's OK-it would just add some insight. With the PTSD there are often things you don't remember at first-like the recall of your Mom doing it when you were younger. You can't trust the statement "I won't do it again" when you're dealing with someone with their own issues. I'm finally realizing that they really can't help it. My Mom used to yell&scream&beat me&I've really started to remember this to the detriment of good memories. If you can remember them, stick with the good ones if you can when this occurs-it can be helpful.
PS My Mom still chews me out or hangs up on me if I talk about my mental illness-it's as if it's the worst thing in the world to her&she's got it too! Thankfully she lives far away now.

[phoenix7]

are you going to let your T meet with your mum? it sounds like she needs help too - take care

[Christine1123]

Your mom should never make you afraid of her. I remember growing up in a situation like that, except I was the object that she threw things at or constantly yelled at. Is there anyone else you can live with?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Christine1123

Your mom should never make you afraid of her. I remember growing up in a situation like that, except I was the object that she threw things at or constantly yelled at. Is there anyone else you can live with?

I am sorry you had to grow up with that - Parents are supposed to protect us - but often they dont and often they seem to be the ones that do us more damage - my wish would be that we had all had the type of parents that love and protect us. P7