[MINIME]

I started doing the emdr on the kidnapping and yucky (rape) thing that happened to me when I was 9. I am having very severe physical pain that are body memories and its painful. I almost puked a hundred times and I cried alot. My t was very gentle and slow and I did it. I know I am not done and I have alot of work to do. These body memories suck and I cant stop them the way I used to because my t said no and also that hurting myself makes it stop but doesnt process it. So I am very tired worn out sad and in pain. I have a dr appt tomarrow for something else and I want to ask for pain pills but I know she will say they wont help this kind of pain plus my T will be concerned and they will talk. I am proud of myself and my reg T called and told me I win the prize for the hardest working client a gold star. I feel safe just in alot of pain and I am sad and scared. I can use the support of you guys just knowing that you are around because feeling alone wont help and my T said to tell her if I felt alone.

[Sannah]

minime, I don't know why I didn't see this this morning? You did do good work! I think feeling sad is okay. It certainly is a normal response and you are not alone here.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( MINIME ))))))))))))))

[RozG]

((((((((minime)))))))) the work you are doing atm is very hard and you are very brave. i hope you manage to keep up the good work for your healing...and i hope you continue to post here about it and draw strength from our care and encouragement.

love and hugs,
roz

[(JD)]

Good for you! You can ease the psychological pain can't you? Be gentle with yourself and do calming and affirmation work. You are okay now. It was a terrible thing, but now you are safe. Think on good things, maybe even something spiritual.

[MINIME]

Thanks so much you guys. Thanks thanks. The support has really helped me feel stronger. I am doing better today. Im really really tired. The pain comes and goes moslty goes and it isnt so bad today. In fact I feel a bit better. I talked to my emdr therapist and she gave me helpful hints. 1. Buy M&m's and they can be my pain pills for the nine year old girl. 2. Listen to the voice mail she left me when I feel alone. 3. remind myself I am not trapped and I am a grown up now. 4. write her a letter if I need to talk to her to feel connected. 5. Call her and leave a message if I want as many as I want. 6. drink hot cocoa (my idea)6 stay warm so I dont feel cold.
I feel like I can do this. I hate the pain its starting again right now . I am ok.

I will be here alot this weekend. I love that I feel safe here and supported. i can support you guys too. ((HUG))

(((((((((((((((minime)))))))))))))))))))

you should be proud of yourseelf ..... you have made that very important first step ..... just keep thinking of the outcome .... nurture YOU, treat yourself .... you are not alone, love and care, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

[skeksi]

I am really proud of you. Going into the trauma in detail is not easy and it's certainly not comfortable, but it's worth the pain in the long run.

I'm especially glad to har you are taking care of yourself. You deserve that at a time as hard as this one.

[CedarS]

Do warm baths work for you? I use them when going through body memories, helps a lot.

Sounds like you are getting excellent care and suggestions. You have reason to be proud of yourself.

[pachyderm]

> I am proud of myself

Yay!

[MINIME]

Thanks every one. I was doing ok until tonight and the body memories are so painful. I cant stand it. I am ok. I can do this. If it means getting better I can do this.I will reply more later I am in pain but not real pain.

[MINIME]

Hi guys thanks for the support this is hard work. This AM I am ok. The body flash backs are just mild. I really would love to Pm someone with a question if they know what I am going through. Both of my T's left a message on my voicemail telling me I am not alone and I am ok. I tried the M & M painkiller idea and it kinda worked. I had nightmeres last night but not about the kidnapping suprising. It was a dream that I was a kid in a foster home and I was being moved and I couldnt call my therapists to say goodbye and I was crying on this airplane because I was mad that i was just starting to get better and I was being moved to a new home far far away from my T's. It was heart breaking. I was so happy to wake up but it triggered me alot reminding me of all the times i was moved in foster homes and had to leave people behind. I think my whole time in and out of the foster care system i was moved like 30 times. In fact a month or so after the kidnapping i was put in a foster home probably number 6 or so. I was living with my mom but she was in jail alot and they would remove us then give us back. Sometimes they left us at home alone i am assuming that my mom told them that we were somewhere safe. After the kidnapping the newspaper pretty much crucified my mom. That wasnt helpful because she took it out on us. The cheif of police basically called my mom stupid. I have read the newspaper articles about 3 years ago when I went back to where it happened. The man who kidnapped me and my sister then the next day he got another girl and almost killed her he was caught and the police accidently broke his leg. He got 50 years in prison and he is out on parole and is registered as a violent/sexual offender and he keep getting thrown back in jail for using drugs he then serves 2 years then is released. The judge ordered him to pay for all the treatment we would need but of course he isnt even working. The judge said during the sentencing I wasnt there but i read the newspaper article three years ago, the judge said that he was researching how this would effect us girls and he said that it would effect us badly for the rest of our life and he was angry so he gave him the maximum. That kinda comforts me now as an adult Im glad I didnt hear that as a kid though. The funny thing is after i was taken to foster homes a month after I was in therapy for a couple of sessions and the therapist asked me about this kidnapping i didnt talk to him and after those few therapy sessions it was never talked about again ever by anyone, No one told me that he was caught that he was in jail no one asked me how I was doing. I moved and moved and moved and with each move I lost more and more of myself and pushed this kidnapping further and further away. looking back I now I had ptsd then and no one ever helped me. The system really failed.Thanks for reading.

[Typo]

((((((((MINIME)))))))))

[Sannah]

((((((((Minime)))))))

[MINIME]

Thanks guys for the support. I am really relieved to be able to talk about this. It feels like I can start seeing myself growing up from being stuck as a nine year old in so many ways. Like i just sat in that ally and waited for my Therapists to come looking for me and help me get out. I know it sounds weird but its true. Finally the little girl is getting comfort from the world that has in the past just ignored or hurt her. I dont know how this will all work out and I dont know if I will be ok but i think I may be. I hate this physical pain and I want it to stop. It comes and goes. I dont know what more I can do for my body. . I am kinda sad. I have gone back to old ways to stop it but it doesnt help very long. Thanks for listening guys. I really need to kep talking well writing anyway.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MINIME

I am really relieved to be able to talk about this. It feels like I can start seeing myself growing up from being stuck as a nine year old in so many ways. Like i just sat in that ally and waited for my Therapists to come looking for me and help me get out. I know it sounds weird but its true. Finally the little girl is getting comfort from the world that has in the past just ignored or hurt her.

You are moving forward Minime!!!!!

[lifeblows]

Reading this I was gripping my face and head the whole time for you. Please, please, write and write and PM all of us as much as you want! Your therapist is right, you definitely deserve the gold star award for bravery. I am so amazed by you and proud of you. The horrors you have been through and finally getting the nine year old out there to be helped with it are truly astounding. Isn't it amazing all the stuff we've been through, you'd think talking about it would be the easier part, much easier than all that crap we've lived through, but it's like talking about the past is in some ways scarier than the past itself. Sometimes that's what I'd try to tell myself when I'd go to therapy, you've been through worse s**t than this, talking about it's nothing, but it never worked. Kudos to you, you are a very, very, brave and courageous person.

The staying warm thing sounds like an excellent idea. Would a really soft fuzzy fleece blanket help too? When I'm in hell-land and freaking out really badly I'm in so much pain (all psychologically induced of course) that I can't stand anything touching my body and have to take all my clothes off. It feels like I'm having the s**t kicked out of me & every air molecule is a needle poking into my body. But I wrap myself up like a cocoon in the fuzzy blanket and it helps add a layer of protection against the world (plus it feels nice like a soft fuzzy kitten).

And if it's not a trigger, would a stuffed animal be nice for the nine year old too? An animal friend to keep her company. Computer games like Bejeweled are a good distraction too. They don't require so much focus that you can't do them, just enough to keep you distracted yet still let your mind stay tired and do its depressed churning thing in the background. Plus they're a good activity to do during those lonely hours in the middle of the night if you're too afraid to sleep because of nightmares. (Can you tell I've stayed up many a night to avoid sleep & nightmares? )

The sadness must be overwhelming and painful. I hope it starts to feel more healing sometime soon. Body memories suck, especially in places like that, it's the worst and it feels like your own body is turning against you. Let us know whatever you need from us and what we can do for you. I'm sorry you're in pain and sad right now, but I'm glad you had the courage to get the nine year old the attention and help she deserves and needs. We'll stay by here with you. Keep warm and when everything gets dark and blue try to remember we're thinking of you, sending you lots of hugs and support your way. Your bravery is an inspiration for the rest of us.

[MINIME]

Life..thanks so much. I cant tell you how much that means to me. Alot of good ideas. My T gave me a bear and the 9 year old loves it. I feel better everytime I read posts that people understand me. For the longest time I always felt so alone. Your post mans alot. I may print it and out it in my book of things to read when I need encouragement. ((HUG))

[lifeblows]

You are more than welcome Minime. You made me smile. I was really touched. Please do print it out, keep it in more than one place. I meant all of it, I don't say that kind of stuff just for kicks and giggles and that sort of stuff doesn't come out of me easily. It makes me glad to know something I did could help you like that. You aren't alone, at least with us here. It does help to have someone who understands, I've never met anyone who does so it's been really amazing for me to see posts like yours on here. If I told anyone else about not feeling real or asked them if I was real they would look at me funny and not know what the hell I was talking about.

How are you doing today? I know weekends can be tough sometimes. I hope all our cyberhugs are helping some. Here are many, many more. I know you can use them right now. Keep letting us know how you're doing and post when you're getting down and frustrated so we can try to lift you back up. We're still here for you and thinking of you.

[MINIME]

Im ok today. I have therapy today and I need it. I almost lost it last night. I have some really horriable thoughts and feelings about the yucky stuff he did to me and I feel like I have to hurt myself to get him away from me. I fought hard to not last night because I know its crazy thinking and he isnt A PART OF MY dna. Its like the nine year old girl thinks he is. So hopefully I can tell my therapist today how I have felt forever. I wrote it in my daily logs I give to her every week. i would rather tell her in person so we can talk about it and she wont get worried. Its hard to explain the feeling that swirl inside my head and build up in dark corners over the years. I have to keep being honest and truthful with my T's and not hide stuff and make them guess or fight them and thats hard to do. I have to say what I think and feel and trust them to hear me. It so hard getting better and it takes energy and faith and trust and rising over fear. I can do this though. I can and i will. I will let you know how it goes. There are things I need to discuss with someone but i dont want to post its private and I need someone who isnt triggered easily.

[Sannah]

Hey Minime, I like your "get better" plan! It sounds like a winner. You can PM me anytime.....

[multipixie9]

MINIME

This is a huge step forward and I know it is so hard to do. Pain is extremely tiring - all pain is like that.

I am sorry this terrible and yucky thing happened to a precious little 9 year old girl like you (and me too). It should not have happened and the one who did it is a terrible, evil and horrible person who deserves to be punished for hurting you. This person harmed you but did not steal the special innocence and little girl sweetness inside you. Only the outside was harmed - the spiritual inside of you was protected and NOT TOUCHED!

I wish I knew of something wonderful to do for you, but there is not something like that from me to you. However,...

I SURE DO RESPECT YOU AND WANT GOOD THINGS TO COME FOR YOU !!!

Minime - This TIME is TEMPORARY. This PAIN will NOT LAST FOREVER.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS. You are getting through this one day and one step at a time.

Be NURTURING to YOURSELF and DO COMFORTING THINGS that are GENTLE and GOOD TO YOU at ALL times.

TODAY I TELL YOU WHAT TOMORROW I WILL NEED TO KNOW MYSELF.

Big HUGS and LOADS OF RESPECT,

Leslie and Pixies

[multipixie9]

MINIME

I CAME INTO THIS BACKWARD FROM THE END OF THE THREAD TO BEGINNING.

SOMETHING I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR - ABOUT THE FEELING LIKE HE IS IN YOUR DNA - THERE IS A SPIRITUAL PART OF YOU THAT HE NEVER GOT TO TOUCH - HANDS CAN'T REACH IT AND IT IS PROTECTED FROM THE EVIL PEOPLE CAN DO. THERE IS A PART OF EACH ONE OF US THAT WAS NOT TOUCHED BY EVIL OR DIMINISHED BY THE CRIMES AGAINST US. THERE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NOT STEAL.

I learned to pray and ask God to separate me from my abusers to "bring me all back to myself". It sounds weird, but sex is spiritual and properly done by adults it is meant to forge spiritual bonds as well as emotional and physical bonds between loving adults. However when a vile offender abuses a child sexually it forges an improper and hurtful bond between child and offender. God wants to cut that tie between vile perp and innocent child so the child can be free to heal in ALL ways. I am praying for your freedom from this past horror and the healing of your heart, soul, mind and body and spirit.

I am glad you have many supporters and friends here to be there for you as you work through this time and this healing. It will come and it won't be delayed. I'm very proud of you as a new friend here on PC.

Leslie and the Pixies

[MINIME]

Thanks pixie for the words. I know you are a sweet person and a good person.


I wanted to update on how my Therapy went with my regular T. It went good. I told her how i feel about this guy living inside me being in my DNA and how i wanted to get him out (not a good way). I was honest and I was crabby. she sat by me and I started to cry. I just couldnt be yucky if she sits by me. I just feel so bad sometimes I cant think. She told me her couch was a enchanted couch and it transfers my bad feelings from me to her. To the bottom of her shoes and she will step on the guy for the rest of the day and wash him off in the shower tonight. She is goofy. I let myself believe it and tried it. It worked a little. she also gave me my gold star. I made it into a necklace and am using it as a magic pendant and when i feel like hurting myself to get this guy out of me I just focus all my energy on the pendant and it goes in there and makes it go away. I saw my T's worried face again today and when i see that I always think about what I am doing and thinking saying and stuff. It helpe me look at myself outside myself and her worried face is sad to see and shows me what I am doing or whatever is something that needs to be looked at. I dont want to worry her unless i cant help it. She hugged me. that little nine year old girl I was felt that hug. Im starting to think I can do this. I just have to be honest with my T's both of them. No matter what I have to say i need to say it. I have to just tell them. No hiding no dodging no nothing just honest. I hope I feel this strong tomarrow.

[Tired12]

MINIME - you are transferring me strength . Thank you so much for sharing.