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#1
Jan 02, 2009, 12:49 AM
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Every now and then I stand in the middle of the storm - it still rages about me but i am in the centre where it is calm - that is where i am at this moment in time and i realise somthing -
a long time ago I decided to do somthing - i made a list of things i had to do first - planned everything and got down to two items left - then my friend bugged me enough that i went to see a T who was great and i took a step away from my list and put it to the back of my head. Every now and then it raises its head and says hi - sometimes i can brush it away other times i have to pull myself back from the edge - these times are hard (der  stating the bl**ding obvious!) I am so trying to be cool calm and in control but i feel the storm getting closer as i speak of it. Anyway thats the background and heres the question; I feel like i am lying next to a tiger - its quiet and if i stay calm it will not harm me -but i dont know when it will turn round and bite me and if i'll survive the next time - I always have so far- so is there really a danger? - (so if i dont talk about it it will be ok) I would like to find a way to be safe - safer - (not sure that exists - so want another word.....) you see i even have a problem using real words for this - im not sure i can even talk to T about this - why is this so hard! Im not in harms way - so if i ignore it it will go away LOL !!!!!  I know i should probably, maybe, perhaps, possibly talk to T about this - but if writing about it makes it come closer - will talking about it just make it worse - should I let sleeping tigers lie LOL Maybe I am afriad , as someone here said , of being locked up, when i was about 5 - i used to have seizures - i dont remember - they did ECT (electric shock treatment) on me to try to stop them - so i can imagine that the child would be at home one minute then (have a seizure) wake up somewhere else where they gave you electric shocks - maybe thats why i tried to be small and quiet and invisible - maybe im just afraid of being taken away again - ive rambled again - its hard to come to the point, hard to speak the words - part of me still wants to die - its not the part thats in control - and i want it to leave or to hold it until the tears come - but i have no tears - and i dont know if it will just lessen with time and no discussion, whether that would be the better option or not - so I guess thats the question - better left alone or stir the tiger? (dam it! i think i just broke a promise - no, i didnt, i didnt cut myself, i scratched my arm till.. dam it! ) Last edited by phoenix7; Jan 02, 2009 at 01:07 AM. |
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#2
Jan 02, 2009, 01:09 AM
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I feel like i am lying next to a tiger - its quiet and if i stay calm it will not harm me -but i dont know when it will turn round and bite me and if i'll survive the next time - I always have so far- so is there really a danger? - (so if i dont talk about it it will be ok) I would like to find a way to be safe - safer - (not sure that exists - so want another word.....) you see i even have a problem using real words for this
hi p, hope i can think about this one? its intriguing... it sounds like the classic lion and lamb scenario in a way... you represent the lamb... the lion is, well, the lion... you are prayinig that you not be harmed.. or, wishing it, or hoping for it... well, trying to figure it out anyway... you know the lion is wild and you wonder if it will harm you in the next moment.. you feel the feelings of weakness, powerlessness, and fear.......... you know you need an answer too.... so..... along comes the painting... the lion and lamb one.... in it, the lion and lamb are peaceful.... this is the image you are challenged to create in your life using this scenario.... its as if you must tame the lion yourself to establish this unbelievably kind relationship... the lion of course represents all that is wild... including hunger... as the lamb, you are vulnerable, exposed... next instant could change it all and that is where the anxiety comes from... the image portrays kindness and gentleness among the beasts.... it has a lot of symbolism connected depending upon your reads... well, overall, i get a message that the lamb had to have such a nature as to settle the lion.... it must have taken at least three identities of conciousness.... the lions, the lambs, and one other un-named peaceful energy combines to form the image of peace on the land... interesting... thanks for sharing... |
 phoenix7
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#3
Jan 02, 2009, 01:23 AM
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in this scenario if the tiger attacks then everything ends - most of me doesnt want that to happen, but i have done things i never thought i would. came closer than i ever thought i would -
I dont know if there can ever be peace between the tiger part of me and the rest -we are looking for different types of peace I like the idea of the lion and the lamb lying down together in peace - do you know that happened with an impala fawn in Africa a few years ago - a lioness that they thought had lost her cubs adopted an impala fawn for a while - unfortunately it ended badly. |
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#4
Jan 02, 2009, 01:28 AM
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yep... its an unusual relationship when , and if it occurs... it takes three... the lion would need an inner nature for peace i think as well... and when introduced, be in a state of fullness... starting at birth and raising them together i think would create the best bond if it would happen.... all would probably need domestication for it to occur safely in any kind of experiment like that...
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| phoenix7
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#5
Jan 02, 2009, 02:15 AM
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I, too have moments of clarity complete with 'paintings' of animals only mine is a turtle, and a doll. I suppose they are not animals scratch that. The doll is antique yet seems rebellious even for the Renaissance Period. Looks as if Picasso painted it. The turtle is crawling to the doll, knocking it over. But both the doll and the turtle are ok. Turtles are known to be slow yet this one is fast for a starnge reason.
In a perfect world that fear, that helplessness, of an unbridled emotion well it would coexist peacefully with reality.
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| phoenix7
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#6
Jan 02, 2009, 10:23 AM
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Quote:
words at times are hard for me. To express what i want to, I have no problem doing it in print or when defending things i believe in. For myself well thats a different story...  What you went threw as a child had to have been very scarey. Which would effect your life. As I have said before ((((you matter very much)))))))))))))))) (((((tears at some point will come))))))) when they do its ok...its ok to cry.. you said ((I like the idea of the lion and the lamb lying down together in peace - do you know that happened with an impala fawn in Africa a few years ago - a lioness that they thought had lost her cubs adopted an impala fawn for a while - unfortunately it ended badly.)))))))))) When I first came to pc I picked the lamb in chat. As that best suited me. It still does. I have always stuck with it. To me a lamb means calmness, quiet, sometimes feels alone and fear. But a lamb is strong. Stubborn. Wants to live. You will make it. Because my friend ((((we all care here)))))) It does not always end badly.  The lesson is you are stronger than you think......and when you are not we will keep telling you that ((((((((((((you matter very much))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Muffy the lamb |
| phoenix7
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#7
Jan 02, 2009, 12:47 PM
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Phoenix, the lion is all the things that you haven't worked through yet? I would talk to your T about this so that you can come up with a plan on how you will let this stuff out in therapy.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#8
Jan 02, 2009, 03:10 PM
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Can we ever truly work through everything, get all the stuff out in therapy? My therapist knows I have been to psychiatric emergency she did not ask for too many details though. I have been struggling as I have to report Wednesday 7am to same hospital as I was in psychiatric only I report to opthamology but hey it's in the same hospital.( Student opthamology nurse)
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| phoenix7
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#9
Jan 02, 2009, 05:04 PM
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Quote:
I will try to talk to my T about it, but even talking now stirs that part of me up -(wakes the tiger - i can feel it now) thats why im not sure if not talking about it would be a better option - although those thoughts always seem to return - maybe it will fade with time. The storm is back and I am so tired of it - |
| Sannah
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#10
Jan 02, 2009, 05:09 PM
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Quote:
Junerain when i injured my back I went to the hospital I work at ( a different ward) to see a specialist who scared the **** out of me by telling me i could possibly end up in a wheelchair - I didnt - havnt -but getting the job at the same hospital was confronting for me - I know its not the same as your situation - but in time you can get de-sensitised to this - take care P7
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#11
Jan 02, 2009, 05:13 PM
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and Muffy
i am hoping it will not end badly, you are every bit as strong as the lamb  I chose the kitten looking inthe mirror - because i love cats and also it semed to be touching the mirror and saying is that me in there? and thats how I feel - I look in the mirror and wonder who that is in there - is that me? - I cant look her in the eyes - maybe someday I will but not yet. take care P7
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#12
Jan 02, 2009, 05:34 PM
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((phoenix7))) ((ty))
It is you in the mirror...i know thats how you feel...but it is you...someday you will look yourself right in the eyes.... take care of you as always ((you matter))) muffy |
| phoenix7
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#13
Jan 02, 2009, 10:48 PM
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P7 talking might help. I have felt that way just recently and talking has helped me. There is a difference from saying I am planning to do this right now and saying I have thoughts of but I am not acting. You cant get locked up for thinking, You have to be honest though. If you have plans in the near future that is something you need to say. I am asking you please dont hurt yourself ever cus I like you and it would break my heart. (sorry) had to stay true to what I was feeling. But back to grown up me T's can be helpful with this. I have a written plan from one T to use when it gets that bad and I can go step by step and that has helped. ((HUG))
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 Happy fall my friends
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| phoenix7
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#14
Jan 02, 2009, 11:07 PM
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i have a written plan also for times when self injury seems obssessive. it is this call my mother sue. she lives in north creek. when i see her she insists i take the train but that is nice............................i smile at all the people and pray with them all i do not mind trains at all...do not know why my mom will not permit me to drive to north creek keeps yelling you will be caught in a snow drift lots and lots of snow here and the forecaster get is wrong in a strange way too. mom back to her she is frail. she is mean sometimes. others well she never liked me but seems to start to she is an accountant very practical minded me nawww not really.
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#15
Jan 03, 2009, 12:57 AM
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(((Muffy))) (((MINIME))) ((((junerain)))
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#16
Jan 03, 2009, 01:23 AM
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(((((phoenix7))))))
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| phoenix7
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