Complex PTSD

I'm probably not the only one here with this type of PTSD. I had the kind of life with many traumas, early age, middle years and so on.

Inspite of all that, even with considerabe anxiety, I functioned fairly well. Put myself through college, majored in social work, graduated and started to work in the field.

At one point, I even had my own counseling practice, which was quite successful. I have a happy and healthy marriage. No kids of my own--but plenty of children that I helped raise.

I had some issues--anxiety attacks, depression, but they were manageable. I'm a Buddhist meditator, and my meditation was one of my coping strategies.

Then I moved seven years ago to be near my Buddhist teacher. I went into long term Buddhist retreat at home, and I saw my Lama every three months or so for consultation.

Two years into the retreat, my Lama started his own long term retreat, and gave me new, more advanced practices to try. At the same time, his own retreat boundaries were strict, which meant I would not be able to talk to him directly.

In the meantime, my outer boundaries were getting increasingly porous. We were having problems with a neighbor over shared water rights, and ingress and egress. My wife, (lesbian partner of 24 years, we were civilly married and married in the Buddhist monastery) who was not in retreat fended off alot of the strife, but it increasingly interfered in my sense of being able to meditate and stay in retreat.

Eventually, I had to come out of retreat. The neighborhood more or less exploded with these neigbhors--there were a series of violent espisodes that I was aware of and tried to intervene in--neigbors were engaged in domestic violence and child abuse and I had talks with him, which they weren't open to. This man punched and threw his wife to the ground, kicked the dog, which broke the dogs ribs, intimidated his wifes father, picked her three year old up by his ear, etc etc. He also got into a fist fight with another neighbor--they were all drunk--the man he fought with was in his fifties, this fellow broke a chair over him, had him on the ground choking him. It is no wonder the older man took off after him with a gun and shot up his car. It is the older man who ended up being charged with a crime. The older man was a former county commissioner.

I reported the child abuse. The violence from the neighbors started to spill over onto my property. The neighbor increasingly shouted verbal abuse and slurs, vandalized my property and showed up at all hours drunk and complaining--at one point my wife invited him in and he shouted and threatened us both--I advised him to sit down and lower his voice or leave. He refused, he wanted to get me to fight with him.

I called the police but by the time they showed up, he had gone home and it was a case of him making mutal claims against us.

The antagonism continued. He locked our mutual gate, making me call the sheriff to get access to my own home. The neighbor vandalized the property, stole items from our home, and threatened me with violence continually trying to get me to fight with him. Shoving me, shouting, and so on.,

Finally, he met me at the gate in a rage with a pitchfork in his hands, he kept moving closer and closer and stabbing the pitchfork into the ground, screaming expletives and homophobic slurs. He finally lost it and shoved me hard enough to send me sailing. I was injured in the fall, and we called the police for the fourth time. I wanted him arrested. But the police told me if I asked for his arrest they would have to arrest me, that he was counter claiming that I assaulted him. I never did in any of the occassions when he was violent. But I was working a new job as a counselor--ironically enough--for a program working with mentally ill and substance abusing offenders.

I was two weeks into the new job--my boss saw the bruises and insisted I press charges. Which I did. Here I was in a brand new, highly stressful and challenging job and my bosses impression is "I have personal problems at home".

I had to emergency move from my house to another location, sell the old house, buy a new house, get a restraining order, hire a lawyer all while engaged in the most challenging job I'd ever had.

The new boss was very controlling--ex-military--and unbeknownst to me when I started the job--homophobic. He had already filed a sexual harassment/disrimination suit against the Clinical Director because she was a lesbian and he thought he should be getting promoted. Apparently, that's how he was promoted. She was due to retire and left about two months after I started. Everyone was sorry to see her go--she was highly skilled and compassionate.

Short wrap up--I started having problems on the job--flashbacks, anxiety attacks, depression--what was happening was all that childhood abuse that I thought I'd taken care of was resurfacing in the light of the recent trauma.Three weeks before my one year probationary period, I was 'let go without cause'. They hired a less experienced, less expensive, former clerk, who happened to be male.

All of this is grist for the mill, I've been working on myself intensively in weekly EMDR therapy for a year, taking an anti-depressant, and using occassional anti-anxiety when things get bad.

I have good support from my loving wife/partner and my Buddhist community--but I'm still not working.

Hi sky dancer,

Welcome to PC! Glad you found us but sorry you had to.

I understand the whole "functioning well" thingy. I used to say to my T if anyone I worked with ever knew what was really going on with me, they would never believe it. I was the hardest working and was highly regarded in my position/s. But that was how I coped. I worked and worked and worked so I didn't have time to look at all the crap.

Quote:

Short wrap up--I started having problems on the job--flashbacks, anxiety attacks, depression--what was happening was all that childhood abuse that I thought I'd taken care of was resurfacing in the light of the recent trauma.

I could've written that with one exception. I hadn't dealt with my childhood abuse. I wouldn't, at the time, even acknowledge it. I kept busy at work and didn't have time to peek behind the curtain.

I was not officially dx'ed with PTSD until I was in my thirties (only after I sought help) and after learning about the symptoms and causes, I can now date the onset back to when I was around nine. I am amazed I lasted as long as I did without help and had my brothers not died, I probably never would've gotten help in the first place.

I really have no words of wisdom or helpful advice, but I wanted you to know I read your story and I hear you.

Welcome Sky Dancer!

Thanks Sannah--

I went to college for two years in Louisville in the early seventies.

Cool! I moved to Kentucky from Michigan almost 15 years ago. I love it here.........

Oh yeah, I'm a social worker too! Only in education, though, I'm a stay home mom currently. I do a lot of volunteering..........

Thanks so much Orange Blossom--

It's such a lonely process going through treatment--even though I have good friends.

Most people aren't interested in hearing about this kind of past experience--and I don't blame them. You can get secondary trauma just by hearing another persons story.

I'm not sure the story is so important anyway--I least I don't think mine is--but what I'm realizing is important is to really acknowledge that things were as bad as they were.

And to fully accept them. I had a breakthrough EMDR session yesterday where I worked on the day that the social worker came to pick my sister and me up and take us into the first foster home.

I was three and a half.

What I'm learning to do--is parent--myself. I've had terrible parenting--not my parents fault--they were both mentally ill--but nonetheless--I'm learning how to parent my infant, my three year old, my seven year old and my fourteen year old inner children.

I attended Spalding College. I majored in social work. I got to participate in a program called Project Understanding which was sponsored by the Louisville Area Council on Religion and Race.

I volunteered as a Big Sister, and I worked in the Juvenile center for a short time.

I now live in a remote mountain area of Northern California.

A friend of mine shares a similar background to me. She's a CPS social worker, her sister is a correctional officer, and her brother is in prison, a three time felon.

That's what happens in families like ours. Cycling through victim, rescuer and perpetrator roles seeminlgly endlessly.

I'm the social worker counselor, my sister is schizophrenic, and my other sister married a pedophile. She is dvorced, but her kids are deeply troubled, and she is also one of the 'walking wounded'.

I have no contact with any of my natural family.

I stopped the cycle. I was in and out of therapy for 10 years (as issues arose) and for the last ten years I have been doing my own work. I have come a longgggggggggggggggg way.

My one sister has been divorced 3 times and she is depressed (undiagnosed). My other sister has been divorced twice. They both married alcoholics. Neither have received any therapy. Now they are addicted to religion........ I am not close to my family but I do have contact.

What I've noticed, is that as I have been going through this deep therapy work, I developed a compulsive internet posting habit--which I'm in the process of breaking.

Not total abstinence--obviously or I wouldn't be posting here. But I was in the habit of getting into political arguments with nasty posters who resembled my perpetrators.

That's what I'm in the process of cutting through now. It's a peculiar habit--but one I'm learning is not unique.

Welcome Sky dancer - I hope you find the support and information that you need when you need it here and in the real world - I am doing EMDR every now and again - it works!

Wouldnt it be nice if we just all woke up one morning and it had all gone away....... I can dream cant I

Do you think that you were seeking out these people to help you work through some issues?

There is, or was, a Social Group here for professionals. It has apparently gone invisible, as some of its members wanted. You might check into it, to see if it would be of any assistance to you, sky. Ask an administrator how to connect to it.

Yes. I wasn't aware of that for a long time.

Welcome Skydancer,

It certainly sounds like you've had alot of recent stress in your life, and it makes perfect sense that it is making you reel and triggering some of your own issues. So sorry this is happening to you!

I too am diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I also have been able to keep up a "normal" appearance among my acquaintances, family, and colleagues. I've taken college classes and have worked a full-time job for over 20 years. But I "cracked up" about 10 years ago, when I was 34. Everything I'd stuffed down and dissociated began to break through my defensive wall of denial. And . . .well. . .I've been in therapy ever since.

Nobody in my daily life would guess that I have serious mental health issues either. I'm superficially friendly with people but never let them get too close to me emotionally. . . certainly not close enough to talk about my past traumas, insecurities, and fears. I don't share my angst-written poetry with anyone in my life except my t. I am good about keeping up an in-control fascade, and have been fortunate enough to avoid getting triggered into a meltdown at work or in public. I'm introspective, and an introvert, and am terrified to let anybody notice that I even have small, hurt, traumatized child parts of myself that I have dissociated and that have been locked away for so long. Even after 10 years of therapy, I am still working on trusting my t enough to see and work with these aspects of myself.

I have read that it is those very emotionally disturbed, but highly functioning people that get the least understanding and empathy because people in their life really do not believe that there is anything wrong with them. They appear so normal. On the rare occasion that my husband or in-laws have witnessed a dissociative meltdown (only 1 or 2 times), they were very surprised to see me that way and fearful about what to do, as they had never seen me in that condition before.

I know it isn't good to do this, but sometimes it feels like my life's work to guard and protect my dysfunctional side, to keep it hidden from everyone. Because I just cannot feel safe and OK to be who I really am inside. Hopefully, with enough therapy and healing, I can integrate the dissociated parts of myself and live a more unified, authentic existence and communicate from my real self, rather than having to hide so much of myself and only show pieces of who I really am.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about myself. You're the one needing support right now. You're going through alot, and we on the board are here for you, to listen, support, and respond to your needs as best we can.

Thanks Peaches-

I know exactly what you mean. I functioned well, I had my own counseling practice, I had numerous stressful social work positions over the years and functioned quite well on them.

It's been since I came out of long term spiritual retreat that I 'cracked up' and my trauma bled through.

What's frustrating for me, is I don't know how to discuss the spiritual aspects of how this relates since mentioning my specific path is forbidden on this forum.

I have some baggage from my church/family of origin, and it has caused me to transfer that onto to my current spiritual community which has been my source of strength since 1982.

It just complicates things.

Also I'm working through the baggage I've had from shame based, lousey parenting, and when the admins tell me I've done something wrong--such as posting the name of the author of a prayer I posted--because it specifically mentions what tradition the prayer came from--it pushes my feelings of authority figures wanting to control me.

I wanted to quit this forum yesterday--and I sent such a request--which means my membership could be terminated in the middle of this sentence.

I'm getting the message that questioning that policy is forbidden--which seems opposite to what I'm trying to achieve in my life--which is follow the wisdom of my body and my heart.

I'm sure things will work out one way or another.

Thanks for the post,

short term sky

There are some "social groups" here -- under Quick Links -- in which the "restrictions" on "free speech" are much fewer than in the public forums. Check out some of them and you will see what I mean.

Thank you. I will do that.

SD, I'm glad that you understand what is being triggered in you concerning this incident.

I'm glad you have stayed!

What I believe is that some things you fight and other things you just accept. If you fight everything you will be exhausted. I would put the rules here in the category of things to accept. There are so many positive things here to enjoy.........

Hi Sky Dancer,

This is my first reply as I'm new on here. That is an explosive situation that happened. I hope that your breakthrough session EMDR you had will bring some closure. I too have similar qualities as you but not as great. I'm a gay female, PTSD, anxiety/depression...they say I'm acting borderline when I stand up to the insurance company and their psychiatrists but the recent psychologist that they hired says I dont as well as my addiction therapist (for pot and little alcohol, I'm not a drinker, just to numb my pain) However someday, I'd like to talk more with you. I'm kinda lonely in this PTSD as it seems there is not much here in my area...have to travel to Vancouver but I am not good with the traffic. Anyway, Just wanted to post and say hi. Dont know how it works here, you may never see this! lol See you,

Hi Sky Dancer

I too have Complex PTSD.

I recently went through some difficulty with my job and ended getting fired...all related to my depression and PTSD. Management didn't want to approve my ADA requests because I wouldn't give them full access to my medical file.

This has sturred up a lot of emotions, flash backs,etc. I am not working at this time either and am caught up between do I return to my career or don't I. I don't really want to do it anymore...(I'm a Nurse), I love looking after others and I love the science behind the Nursing, but I have been through so much politics over the last couple years that all seem to do with companies not wanting to assist with ADA issues. I'm FED UP!! The only issue is, I don't have any other type of training that would offer me the same wages I was making as a Nurse, so I don't know what I'm going to do financially!

I will be going back to school in September though. I have decided I want to get my degree is Social Work. I want to work with children. I am hoping that this type of career environment will be more suitable for me.

Take care,

Skydancer - how are you doing now? update please