[StephanieDV]

Hello everyone, My name is Stephanie and I am 19 years old. For the first time I decided to voice my stories and experiences, and I figured why not do it in a forum with people who might understand. I tried writing this the other day, but I was clearly in a very manic state of mind, and I couldn't keep calm. I also know that this will not be enough for me, and that I do need to seek professional help, to actually voice it and find the cause to my problems, these are things I rarely talk about and make me feel extremely uncomfortable when talking about them.
I want to also say I believe because of my traumas and experiences in my life that I may have developed some other type of mental illness. I want to list off some of the things I feel to see if anybody can relate to me or help me try to figure out what is causing this, or triggering this.

These are alot of the feelings I feel :

Paranoid (even about silly things, like breathing)
Anxiety
Emptiness
detached, "the outsider" not belonging..
Tense
Insomnia every other night, sometimes its really bad when my brain doesnt turn off and dwells on alot of problems in my personal life.
Scared
Intense

I can be extremely happy one moment, and then very explosive the next, never resulting in physical violence, but indeed yelling and shouting.
I often can't figure out what I'm feeling, and most of the time my mind races and goes blank, and all I come up with is "I Don't Know" because I jump and panic and race my brain. I feel as if I go through alot of emotions at once.

I was also reading some of the threads, that mention Hypervigilance? I feel that aswell..

It is really hard for me to go through my thoughts because like i said, my mind races all of the time, and it feels as though I am running on adrenaline, which makes it even more hard to sleep.

In love relationships, I become very attached, and jealous, and paranoid about the relationship, having a fear of abandonment, or being paranoid about cheating, which ultimately causes damage and chaos. I have many insecurites.

In friendships, I do not develop close friendships, but more of an aquaintance type, I do not trust people, so when I do get comfortable in speaking with people I get paranoid about what I have told them, what they think, and I come up with scenarios and alot of the time I will destroy my relationships and friendships. I have no actual friends, and I just believe its because of my own actions and closing up and going into a shell.

The reason I say all this is because I do believe is stems from growing up with a mother who has PTSD and also going through experiences of my own.

On February 10th of 1994, a man walked into my mother's work and walked up to her cash out. He proceeded with a floodlight lightbulb and a pack of Large DeMaurier cigarettes. He paid for them and then he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a semi-automatic gun. My mother leaped back against a wall in her little cashier terminal. The man told her to give him the money and he wouldn't shoot her, my mom remembers saying "you won't shoot me?" and then she went to the cash register and the man held the gun to her ribs, she remembers thinking that she couldn't run, because he could shoot her in the back, and that she was waiting to hear a bang from the gun so she could quickly cover up her wound. She gave the man the money and he began to walk to the door to get out of the store which was 12 feet away from her cash register, as the man the walking towards the door my mom was coming out of shock and was ready to explode and yell. The man dropped his cigarettes on the way out and turned and looked back at my mother I guess just to make sure she wasn't doing anything, as the man was leaving he bumped into a man on the payphone who later became a witness. My mom yelled "HE'S GOT A GUN! HE'S GOT A GUN!" and her manager jumped over the set of stairs and locked down the store immediately.

I remember being at home, and my dad receiving a phone call from my mother, and I remember the panic, and the rush out the door, getting me and my brother ready. I don't think I knew really WHAT was going on, but I remember fearing that my mother was dead, or was going to die, and I think I even said in the backseat of the car, I don't want my mommy to die. I was 6 and my brother was 8.

I remember going to the police station and I remember dialing 911 on the phones inside the police station and I remember them asking my mother to tell me to stop phoning them from inside the police station. lol.
The reason I can tell you about the robbery in detail is because my mom relives it, and I know it all, every experience, and it makes me relive that fear of oh my god, my mother almost died, and then makes me remember other incidents that have bothered me.

My mother went to Psychologists and Psychiatrists, She has been through exposure therapy, and even hypnosis, and they tell her she will never be better. She refuses to take medication because she didn't like not being alert, and it is what she needs so desperately to be, is alert in the world.
(I am going to need to take breaks, there is alot I need to say, and one sitting isnt going to do it, I hope it is okay If I keep typing here, this is a major release for me in my times of lowness, and this is the first time that I have decided to try this and be open, I'll probably freak out about it later and hate that I did it, but right now it's working.)
After the robbery, my mom was completely different, She had to go on a permanent disability with Canada Pension and was no longer allowed to work because of her Anxiety, I believe she even went back to work two days after the robbery and blacked out and collapsed from an Anxiety attack. Because of this, my father had to get 2 jobs, and was never home. We lived in Ontario, and it wasnt exactly easy. I don't really have a close relationship with my father, and am extremely attached to my mother.

(I am starting to jump thoughts, I apologize I'm just going to finish up saying some things about how my mother acted and what I have seen and endured, and then I will begin with the next experience that I believe has had an affect on my life.)

My mother began staying up all night with the lights on, and sleeping all day with a knife under her pillow. We would put bars in our windows, double bolt locks and put chairs underneath the door handles. I remember times where we had been in the car and out of nowhere she would yell at us and freak out to lock our doors. I remember going for walks with her at night and we always had to bring a weapon, always, if there was no weapon, there was no walk. weapons included things like a pen, or a nail filer, anything sharp or pointy. Out on the walk, I could see her paranoia, and I became paranoid. We could never go somewhere without her having an attack or something..I believe my mom became way too overprotective, and in turn we just detached ourselves from the world, we never let anybody in.

I'm going to take a break and recollect now, I'm starting to get a headache..when I come back I will tell you more about alot of things in my family that has happened. There are three main stories I want to say that I think also added to where I am now..there is one story that I am unsure of telling because it makes me really uncomfortable, and I don't really like thinking of it, and whenever my mother brings it up I feel very awkward. It is a sexual experience, and it was with a cousin because my uncle was sexually molesting some of my cousins. and it was witnessed by some of my mother cousins and my brother, and I think it is definately a problem for me, and may be the reason why I am as lesbian, or am extremely confused with my sexuality.

I probably sound ridiculously crazy..and I feel like I am getting extremely tense and kind of freaking out, so I think I am going to go for a break, and maybe will be back in a bit..

I guess I am just here for some help, and advice, I am really scared to go seek professional help, and my mom doesnt listen to me, but I think she doesnt listen to alot of things because she is definately worried, and would rather avoid it and I hate to say it, but my mom is definately suffering herself. The fact is I know there is something wrong with me, and I dwell on it, and maybe by opening up to some people might help. Thank you all in advance, and I will be back with more stories if anybody is interested..I would like to tell them. The home invasion, and about my uncle and that situation and also, my grandmothers death on July 1st of last year.. I also want to kinda of describe how I was in school, and how I am now.

I also wanted to know if anybody knows if PTSD can cause other mental illnesses..I am quite curious now, I feel as though I am on a mission to figure out what is wrong with me, because I know there is definately something wrong with my mood swings and general feeling. Sometimes not feeling anything at all..numbness..

StephanieDV,

A hug for you if okay.

I think you will find by telling your story it will help alleviate some of the weight those of us with similar stories carry around.

You've found a good place to tell your story. I often wished I had a place like PC when I was your age. If I knew there was a reason why I felt/reacted the way I did, my life might not have been such a struggle. The resources that are available today really help people in need. I hope you'll find that to be true as well.

It sounds like you've been through hell. Although everyone's story is different, I think you will find many here who can relate and that's a good thing. Also, by sharing your story, you might be helping someone who is in a similar position but afraid to post and are just reading.

It takes a certain amount of courage to put our "stuff" out there, but I hope you'll find it will help you. You could also get a blog.

Don't be afraid to get help. If you go to the Psychotherapy Forum and read, it might reduce your fear.

[Sannah]

Welcome Stephanie! Yes, please continue to tell your story.......

When we are born, we know nothing and our development is affected by our environment. It sounds like your upbringing was one of fear and insecurity and this affected you. You can heal and recover from this....

[StephanieDV]

Thank you Orange Blossom and Sannah, and I agree with you Orange Blossom, It is definately a relief to get it out there, I mean, it has always been my mother talking about it, and I have just sat there with my mind blank kind of blocking it all out, like I do with alot of pain I have felt and I zone out, just..automatically, and if i'm asked about it I just, kinda give answers like I'm on auto-pilot or something, without any feeling at all.

Sannah, It feels like I have been paranoid my whole life, and I am so negative about it, the reasons why I don't have friends, and a normal 19 year old's life. I think this is the way it will be forever, and that really, I'm not going anywhere in life, I think I'm just a broken human being, and once in a while life throws me things to make me believe that I could have a normal life, without paranoia, and be safe and comfortable, but always, no matter what, my insecurities will always prevail and mess everything up in my life. Right now I have this attitude like why bother doing anything to get things positive in my life, when I know just one thing can ruin it and spiral down into rock bottom.

I'm going to continue my stories, maybe just one for now, I kinda feel really low ;\ I'm trying to go in a time line, to what I can remember happened first, or second, or what comes next that happened, and now I'm at my uncle.

My mother was the youngest of 10 kids. Her and her brother's and sisters had a rough upbringing also, not so much my mother. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic when he was younger with my grandma. He would beat her and demand sex, have alcoholic rages..he stopped when my grandmother gave him the choice to either go to Ontario and get a job and stop drinking or she would leave him, and take all 10 children with her. My grandfather went to ontario and one by one brought them up there from Nova Scotia. I am kinda getting off track, the main thing I wanted to point out here is that childhood problems have always ran in my family. I also wanted to say that my mother was kind of, resented by my uncles and aunts because she was different from all of them, My mother is a very outspoken woman, and does the right thing, even if it means it is her to blame aswell, she is not afraid to admit to her faults. She was always just thought of Little Leeann, she doesnt know anything or she's just different. Basically she was the outsider in her family.

This all add's up, I promise.

As my mom and her siblings grew up they all married, had kids and whatnot, and my Aunt cathy met Bruce, my uncle. She had already had two children from a previous husband. Their names are Roxanne and Dougie. When she met Bruce, she had two more children named Ashley and Brandon.

When we lived close to eachother, my parents would go over to Cathy and Bruce's house with me and my brother. my Aunt susan also lived close, so it was like a weekend thing, The adults would hang out, all the cousins would play together. On one morning after a visit, my aunt cathy had called my mother, and said that someone spilled beer on her green comforter, and she didnt know who did it. My mom was just like wow that's weird, but she knew that night before, bruce had said he was putting the kids to bed and nobody else went into that room afterwards because of the kids. She didn't want to bring it up to my aunt, because she didn't know if it was him or not who did it.

Fast-forward to one night at my Uncle Davie's house, the adults are in the house, and all of the cousins are there, Ashley said hey lets go play in the car, so we went, there was like..6 of us? I know Ashley was there..oh my god, and samantha and Justin, and my brother..and I think maybe Brandon..I remember we were standing outside, and Ashley and yelled..something like, We're all going to jump in the car and whoever is in the middle has to do something! and so we thought it was a game, and me not thinking, jumped into the car..I ended up in the middle..and everyone was laughing..and then Ashley said I was in the middle, and she said I had to touch her, and she pulled down her pants..and I think I'd rather stop right there for that memory, I dont want to go into detail.

Anyways, I told my mother..about the incident, and she knew something was up, so I think she asked Ashley where she learned that, and Bruce's name was said..my mom brought it up to my Aunt, and my aunt flipped, and caused a huge family fight. everyone was against my mother saying she was lying, it wasnt true..But then Jennifer confessed that she was molested by him, and Roxanne did aswell..and Brandon was told at the dentist office that he had something wrong with the top of his mouth from "sucking" on something, and Brandon was too old to be sucking on a pacifier, and he didnt have a bottle. My mom put this all together, because it was my cousins who went to her, to tell her, they knew she'd get it to stop.

My mother had just gotten off the phone with my aunt cathy, everyone was against my mom, everyone. My mom exploded because she knew, and so she said she was going to file a police report. Cathy hung up on her and then the phone rang and it was Roxanne, and Roxanne was telling her to stop, just stop, forget about it, and my mom asked her, are you sure roxanne? tell me to stop and I will forget about everything, but that means that this is going to continue, Roxanne said yes stop. Not more than 2 minutes later she phoned my mother back and said please don't stop, I can't handle this. My mother called the police, and bruce was arrested. He never hurt my cousins again. It was confirmed he molested 4 of my cousins who came forward, but we think 2 more was also, and they just havnt come forward. I was 7 or 8 I believe. maybe even 6. This happened after the Robbery.

Because of this incident however, My mother was abandoned by her family, they didn't speak for 8 years, and at big christmas reunions we had every year, I was the only one who showed up for my family..and I would go there with such resentment, because I knew the stories..but I was really only there for my grandma. My uncle had threatened to beat my mother up with a bat, saying she made up lies, and many more stupid things happened because nobody believed my mother. They all hated her. They still do. It has actually gotten worse after my grandmother's death.

So much typing, it feels like I could go on forever with my family..definately need a break.

[sky dancer]

Stephanie--

I just want to encourage you to continue to tell your story. You don't have to do it all at once.

You are a courageous young woman to have this much self-awareness at your age.

We all have stories.

I want to just listen to yours for awhile. Your story is all of our stories--we just have different circumstances--but we share traumatic pasts that intrude and interfere in our present enjoyment of life.

I'm so glad you found your way here.

[Sannah]

Stephanie, you can heal............... Keep telling your story. Your mom did the right thing. I am so sorry that she was ostracized. This is what sick families do though.

[StephanieDV]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Stephanie, you can heal............... Keep telling your story. Your mom did the right thing. I am so sorry that she was ostracized. This is what sick families do though.

Sannah, I do believe that part of the reason why I am so negative about healing is because I want to beleive there really isn't anything wrong with me, I think i'm just a perfectionist at heart, and if something is wrong, then all is wrong. I look at my brother, who has been through some of these experiences with us, and he has broken out of fear, on his own, he and I are completely opposite, meaning, he is a very logical minded human, was always good at school, and he wasnt as attached to my mother like I was. Or he was, but he just didn't show it like I did. He broke out of it somehow, because we both are hermits. For me to express that I think or know there is a problem is me thinking it's a sign of weakness. That something is wrong with me, and I don't want to face that. I make up tons of excuses why I shouldn't go to my general doctor to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. I usually justify it in my head.

I tried once before, like last year, I broke down with the doctor and said that I needed to talk to somebody, I didn't know who to ask for or anything, I just broke down, and said I needed to talk to somebody. He said he would set up an appointment with someone, so I waited for a call, I did this behind my mother's back, because I do thing it's embarrassing, in my head it just means there's something mentally wrong with me, and I should be ashamed of that, because I'm broken. Anyways, a call never came, so it discouraged me, when I felt the lowest, and tried reaching out for help that never came. So i didn't bother again.

My mother recently went to the doctors and just started talking about me, she told him I was always down, thats how she described it, and she said that I wanted to talk to somebody, so he said for her to bring me up there on Tuesday. But still, I am very afraid to take that first step, what if things don't come through, again, I'll be left feeling like that help didn't come, so why bother. Then I try to convince myself that I will be fine, and there's nothing wrong with me, but I know..there is.

my mother wasnt just my mother she was my best friend. Even to this day I hate doing things on my own, and it's embarrassing, and it's because I've always had my mom by my side to do it, and now I feel like i'm on my own, and I can't break out of cycles of fear, even to go to the store on my own because I know I will suffer with alot of Anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, as I like to say or try to describe to people how I feel. I just have alot on my mind right now, it probably doesn't make any sense what I just said lol.

Alright though, I will share another story, this story I remember very vividly, I was 13 years old, this happened a couple days before christmas, December 23rd, 2002 to be exact..

It was 6:45ish am, My father had just left for work, my mother was sleeping with 2 year old baby sister in her room, I was sleeping in my room, my brother was awake on the computer. He heard something in our backyard, it sounded like stuff being thrown from a nearby park, so he went into my mother's room and whispered to her that people are throwing things from the park into our backyard. She kinda woke up but was like okay, I guess at that moment is wasnt that important, she probably figured they were just kids messing around. Not more than 5 minutes later my brother ran into my mother's room and said "Mom! they're in our backyard!" My mom jolted up. I was awake by this time by I was kinda in my room with the door open just listening to them talk..I don't think I really KNEW yet what exactly was going on. My mom went down the stairs and she grabbed the phone with her hand from inbetween the stair railings. My brother and I were both now standing on the stairs, he was down the stairs more than I, I was kind of at the top just looking over, I remember seeing shadows out of the kitchen window. Our kitchen was connected to the backyard, with a sliding door, which might I add, had a bar behind it in the crease so you can't just open it, we had it locked and everything, plus more.

Anyways, my mom was on the phone with the 911 operator, and my mom is furious, because in her state of mind, its happening all over again..and this makes it even worse..her anxiety mode is very uncontrollable. She confirmed to the 911 operators that there was two men in our backyards, and they were trying to break out sliding door, we could hear cracking of the glass, my mom was going absolutely beserk, and the 911 operator was asking my mother where we lived and our address, and then she asked how do you get there, thinking on it now I know it was used as a way to try to calm my mother down. My brother heard that, because my mother must have repeated it, but he ended up breaking and yelling "THEY KNOW HOW TO GET HERE STOP ASKING STUPID BS QUESTIONS AND GET HERE NOW, THEY ARE BREAKING IN!" my brother was now uncontrollable, and me, all I can remember is that I was scared, but I was kind of in a state of shock where I was most of the time.

My mother told my brother to take me and my little sister and go into her room and no matter what we heard, we would not come downstairs. He fought it but eventually listened and we went into my mothers room, and barracaded the bedroom door with her big dresser, we then barracaded the bathroom door, because it was connected to the master bedroom. We put everything we could find against those doors, and then my brother said okay, Steph, and passed me a coat hanger, I was watching him, and he was making it into a weapon, so I began to do the same, I remember even asking him if we should hide in the closet, and he said no. Then he opened the window to the front of the house, and it was a window directly over the garage roof, so you could easily jump down onto the roof..He told me if we heard footsteps at all, that we were going to jump onto the roof with christina, my little sister to be safe. So in my head I thought the worst and I was ready, for anything bad to happen, we both knew we had to protect Christina. My brother knew he had to protect us, no matter what.

within 5 minutes later, we seen the police swarm around our house from the window in my mothers room, but we waited until we heard my mother say something to us to come downstairs, and then we had to clear the way.

when we went to look at our backyard door, it was completely shattered..meaning that the police had gotten to my house jsut in time, or something terrible would have happened. They left alot of possessions behind, including a sock with an electric socket in it, very long and sharp chandelier crystal things, I don't know the proper name for it, they were like daggers. very dangerous. They also left other things I don't quite understand, like shaving cream and stuff like that..I can't remember anything else..I also think they waited for my dad to leave..so they knew what house to go to, and I think that possibly they could have known us. We don't know.

It was very scary, but even talking about it I have no feeling. It's like a wow, sometimes I do get that feeling like man I'm gonna explode about this, but then I hold back and it goes away completely. It's like my mind just shuts off to emotion. I don't understand.

[phoenix7]

Hi StephanieDV,

I am sorry for all the problems you have had to endure - and I think it is very brave to come here and share your story with us - its a good start which I hope will lead to you talking with a psychologist to help you through this

PC Central is a great place for information and support - and here you will find people who can relate to different parts of what has happened to you - or the feelings attached to the event - we support each other here.

take care and know that you are not alone P7

[notz]

Glad you are here!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by StephanieDV

I do believe that part of the reason why I am so negative about healing is because I want to beleive there really isn't anything wrong with me, I think i'm just a perfectionist at heart, and if something is wrong, then all is wrong. For me to express that I think or know there is a problem is me thinking it's a sign of weakness. That something is wrong with me, and I don't want to face that.

my mother wasnt just my mother she was my best friend. Even to this day I hate doing things on my own, and it's embarrassing, and it's because I've always had my mom by my side to do it, and now I feel like i'm on my own, and I can't break out of cycles of fear, even to go to the store on my own because I know I will suffer with alot of Anxiety.

It was very scary, but even talking about it I have no feeling. It's like a wow, sometimes I do get that feeling like man I'm gonna explode about this, but then I hold back and it goes away completely. It's like my mind just shuts off to emotion. I don't understand.

Stephanie, there is nothing wrong with having issues that need to be worked through. It wasn't your fault that your mom's anxiety affected you while you were developing. Think about it. You were developing and what you learned from your mom is that there is a lot of danger out there. This belief affected your development. It happened and this is the way it was and now you are living with the results. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I had to overcome all sorts of issues........

As for your brother, everyone is different and are affected by things differently. I hope that doctor's appt. turns into some therapy for you!

I can understand how you have detached from your feelings. Our minds do amazing things in order to survive.

I am so glad that that house invasion was stopped. Your mom sounds very competent. She was brave and she did everything very well and this kept you all safe. She sounds like an amazing woman.

[sunnye]

Hi Stephanie,

You sound a lot like me. I went through a lot of psychological abuse as a kid and as a teenager and, in result, developed mental illnesses. I was also molested as a child. My anxiety disorder began very early on--probably around the age of six or seven. I think my depression started around the age of 12. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder. I don't think I'm truly bipolar, but instead, unipolar(depressive) with hypomania. I have some anger issues.

I have bad social anxiety as well as general anxiety. I have no close friends. I think I lack social skills and because of this, it's very tiring when interacting with other people. Also, as you mentioned, I am paranoid about how people view me. In past relationships(I'm married now), I became attached right away and couldn't handle it when I was rejected. Overall, I can't handle rejection in any form; it's like a knife through my heart.

My thoughts race as well. I have tried meditation, but I haven't been consistent. It feels like coming to a completely calm state is impossible. Actually, I have been diagnosed with Adult ADD and now take Vyvanse for it. I have also questioned my sexuality. I think a lot of survivors of childhood trauma face this dilemma.

Also, I have a few physical problems that I think are directly related to my mental illnesses/disorders. I have IBS, migraines, and chronic upper back/neck pain...fun for the whole family!

I think you should eventually go see someone. PTSD probably gets worse than better in most cases, especially when gone untreated.

--Sunnye