[sunrise]

We are through the ring of fire and out the other side: my divorce is over! A lot's happened in the past few weeks, but I feel good now. I am happy with how I did the divorce, and I did not lose my self in the process, as I had feared when I began. Plus, I believe T is now just my T, not my coach anymore.

This week was our first post-D session. I told T some stuff that just about knocked his sox off. I love doing that. Each thing I said, he kind of reeled, and then almost fell off the couch (deliberately, in play). Seriously. He's funny. I guess what's really strange is my XH and I are getting along really well now. Maybe with the stress of the divorce behind us, we can at last be "normal" with each other. My XH has said some really healing things to me in the last couple of weeks and this was partly what bowled T over, and I absolutely loved sharing with him. T has been saying to me for the last couple of months, that I have to be prepared that when the D is over, my XH would withdraw from me. T said he wanted me to be prepared--he didn't want me to be hurt. Whatever, T, I remember thinking. I had nodded agreeably but said nothing. So he kind of had it backwards.

But anyway, this one thing in particular my XH said to me was one of those true healing moments. T just got it immediately--how healing this was for me. He totally understood, and that is what is so great about being in therapy. He gets me. If it was a friend I told, I would have to explain every effing thing, and they probably still wouldn't get it. Whoever invented therapy deserves a medal. (Oh, wait. Was it Freud? I take that back then.) Anyway, T wanted to talk a little about this healing moment and said how these moments happen sometimes in family therapy, and how they are instantly and deeply healing. I could tell from the way he said it that this is what he, as a family therapist, lives for (professionally)--that deep healing that right before his eyes takes away years of damage. It is very cool, and I thought, what a cool job T has! For me, this healing felt very physical--like my internal organs all sliding into place, at long last. T says these wounds, in fact core negative beliefs about oneself, can be healed using other methods too, such as talk therapy, but that can take many years. He prefers to use EMDR, which is a lot faster, but he said the quickest and deepest healing occurs when it comes directly from the person who caused you "harm." (I think this is why T's favorite therapy is between adult children and their parents.)

T got to talking about clinical stuff, which he almost never does. Generally, I don't like to talk clinical with him. I prefer him to just be the therapist-artist-healer and do his thing, without talking about technique, diagnosis, etc. He said that all the while he sits there with me in therapy, he has this clinical voice running through his head and he is reacting to me and planning what he will do next for best clinical effect (he said none of his clinical thoughts is something he could not share with me--but really, I have no interest). For example, he said he had just pushed on my system by bringing up my past relations with my parents--drawing a parallel with them and my relationship with my H during the marriage, and commenting on my core belief system derived from childhood. blah blah blah. We've talked about this a number of times. I asked him if his action had the effect he desired. He said yes, and I didn't ask more, lol.

Then he told me something I thought was interesting. He said that when he sits there listening to me and observing me, he is looking for my different ego states. He sees one here and one there, flitting by, as I talk or laugh or cry or agonize. He says these states give him clues about places I need to be healed, places of hurt or trauma. They reveal sore spots in my psyche. And he notes these as places to return to later or places to work on then, if the time is right. It was when T said this that I realized how central ego state therapy is to how he works. I don't think I had known this before. We have previously done some ego state therapy, but I thought of that as something we did for a few sessions and then we didn't do it anymore. But now I saw T's technique as totally wrapped up in ego state therapy. It underlies so much of what he does, even if we don't always speak of ego states in session. I felt I like I understood T better after he told me this. I was also kind of warmed by his sitting there, watching for my states, welcoming them all, non-judgmentally, and always being on the lookout for how he can bring about healing. I felt this new understanding of the hug he often gives me at the end of our sessions. He spreads his arms wide, and welcomes me into them, and pulls me all together. Like, he sees all my separate states during session, and then at the end, he physically hugs us all as one. I like that. There's something really "whole" and unifying about that. That sounds like gibberish, I'm sure, and probably if I were to tell T that, he would say, "what?" and scratch his head, lol.

sunny, i am so happy for you that your divorce is finally over! yea!! it sounds like you handled it all incredibly well especially since you and xh are getting along so well. how wonderful that xh is bringing healing into your life. that is a precious gift. i have had the person who did so much damage to me (my sis) apologize and own her stuff. it really does make a huge difference to just know that they realize what they've done.

your t sounds like a perfect fit for you. i've started a book on the inner family systems stuff and i can see why your t thinks it's integral. i find it quite fascinating. i love how you describe the big hug at the end bringing all the parts of you together. i totally get it.

(((((((((((((((sunny))))))))))))))))

Congratulations on your divorce being final!!! WOW. And it is so, so, so awesome about the interactions with your ex bringing so much healing.

I know what you mean about your T just "getting it" when you told him what your ex said. I love that I can tell T "my mom just said X to me this morning" and his reaction is perfect - he just COMPLETELY understands it.

It's amazing when we realize how hard our therapists are working with us. It's cool that he shared that with you.

I hope you are proud of yourself for how you've handled the divorce. So much growth and healing!!

[chaotic13]

Sunny so great to hear that it is finally over and you can move on to thinking about better things. Your session with your T sounds really interesting. I often wonder about how my T decides when to push, when to let something go, when to connect seemingly unconnected things. There have been times where months later I realize how little comments here and there turned out to be important in getting me to see something. Sometimes I get angry with my T because it seem like all we do is just attempt to talk about stuff. She rarely recommend or suggests I DO anything. Then two or three weeks later I realize that the talking we did actually resulted in me taking some action on my own or shifted my perspective on something enough for me to consider an option that I hadn't thought of before. You comments just reinforce my belief that often there is a lot going on during that session than I realize. Its scary but cool at the same time.

[laura2]

wow! sounds like you guys have got an amazing connection!, an inspiring post sunny, & he sounds adorable!

he soooo gets you, i don't think it comes much better

congrats on getting through your divorce, no divorce is easy, mine seemed to go on forever, & its so easy to end up a shrivelled wreck!, be proud!

[little*rhino]

congrats sunrise.. on many counts!

I've been away from the forum side of PC mostly... ever since the change away from the name most knew me by. But.. whenever I came here I always read your posts, and ty so much for responding to me recently - it was nice to be welcomed back.

I've admired your patience and strenght in the divorce process - no way I could have done it... well, maybe if I had kids too. You should be very proud. (my divorce is just one set of papers away from the judge now but i end up with nothing bc i asked for nothing - i am not able to fight/pay to fight).

also congrats on the beautiful relationship you have with your T... and i envy that hug part.

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunny))

Congrats on the D. And thanks for sharing this session. It sounds so deeply connected--the sense of connectedness is evident when you tell about T "falling" out of his chair. I think you enjoyed calling him "clinician." It sure feels better than coach doesn't it? T and I have been doing some fairly indepth work on self states or parts but I think it's pretty much the same idea. Very interesting stuff.

:Hug:

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))) You sound great. I really enjoyed reading your post and sharing your progress.

Are your sessions confidential again? It sounds like you got your T back, now that he no longer has the dual role.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by laura2

he sounds adorable!

He totally is. I was his first appointment of the day and got there before he did. He was so excited to usher me into his office as he told me he had a "new toy." I tried to guess what it was and came close. He has a new computer and I knew this was important to him so I oooed and awed over it for a while, much as one would a new baby in a carriage. I think he really liked me doing that. And I asked him some questions and had him put it through some of its paces. I hit all the right notes. T puffed out a bit. He liked showing me his new toy. Don't anyone ever tell me our T's don't get anything from us! My T got shared computer-adulation from me. (And it was a nice machine, I admit.)

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by little*rhino

my divorce is just one set of papers away from the judge now

Congrats to you too, then. Even if it wasn't the best experience, at least it is almost done. It is so great to have this thing behind us, isn't it? So great to not have to worry about it, to have it checked off our "to do" list. Now we can do generative things in our lives, instead of this clearing away of the old.

Sunrise,

That is so funny! T's do get things from us, whether or not they want to admit it!
I am glad you are feeling good about your divorce, that is a major moment in one's life. You sound so happy.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I think you enjoyed calling him "clinician." It sure feels better than coach doesn't it?

Actually it was kind of hard to call him "clinician." In the past, the whole clinical thing has been offputting to me. T is not terribly clinical in session, has never given me a diagnosis, nor acted as if I were mentally ill (I'm not), etc. We've been pretty health-focused. So the whole clinical thing is not something I like to own up to, but yeah, he is a clinician, and I pay him for his clinical services! So my titling the thread that was kind of a way to say to myself, "see, being clinical is not so bad, sunny. your T can be a clinician and still be a great guy and give you what you need and be healing." So, I was trying to prove something to myself there, trying to allow myself to be OK with T being a clinician instead of letting myself be pushed away by it. (In the past I have found it objectifying.)

I actually don't mind "coach" that much. It does bring back some good memories. Oddly, today I was accidentally copied on an email between the legal team members (including T). They are getting together in a couple of weeks to have a lunch to debrief on our case. So it will be the 4 of them, sitting around a table at a restaurant, eating, socializing, discussing me and my XH and our D! Arrrghh Aacccck Blecchh. The thing I always hated about the team and not having confidentiality was that I felt like they talked about me behind my back. I haaaated that. Who knows what they would say? It might be true or just c**p and I would not be there to defend myself. One time I was copied on an email accidentally in which they all were discussing me and how to handle me and my problems or whatever. I went ballistic and almost dropped my lawyer because of this. I made her recant and apologize to the team and take back some of what she said (I felt she had totally misinterpreted what I had said and was making me look really bad to everyone, IMO). Oh, yeah, fun times. Anyway, these people are still discussing me and my XH "behind our backs" and it brought up the bad feelings associated with this earlier incident. So, T is still in his coach role, at least for a while yet. Hope they enjoy their lunch.

[chaotic13]

Well, soon they will be on to discussing so other people's decoupling and your stuff will replaced by some else's stuff. Good riddens.

[little*rhino]

yes.. it does feel good sunrise.. it totally does. I have found a lot of strength in people who have been wading through their own divorces or have already been there. i definitely recommend surrounding oneself with positive experiences of others who have been there... if "positive" is even the right word. You know what i mean anyways.

i'm tickled by your regaining your T in his original form And it always lifts my spirits when mine gets something from me and i can see that... thats really nice for you.

[Lemon]

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you that the D is now official. I remember back to when we first started posting here. We were both just beginning the D process and it always helped me to read your posts. I wish you much luck and learining in the post-D phase. I have found that once the legal stuff was done I could begin to rebuild my life in a way I couldn't while that process was still going on. I wish the best for you!