[hangingon]

Saw my T again last night.
She asked me when I walked in how I felt about being there. I said nervous. As many of you know, we had a bad session two weeks ago.

She told me again that she was sorry. She said, I noticed you didn't email me this week. I told her it was because I was afraid it bothered her.
Then I said if I could have this is what I would have talked about in it.
I said, you told me during our rough session that you didn't think you could meet my needs, then last week we made a plan together for you to continue seeing me.

I said, I need to know something. Why are you seeing me after telling me you didn't think you could meet my needs. I said maybe I was hard headed in not listening to you in trying to tell me that. Then I said, I don't want you to be doing this because you have to, or feel obligated to.

She said thank you for sharing that with me face to face. She said she was really sorry for causing me that pain. That she jumped the gun when she said it. That she was wrong and said it really abruptly and shouldn't have. She then said, she really does want to see me, that she means that from her heart. That she really does want to help me. She said, its probably hard for you to trust that right now, because you are not use to people saying or doing things like that for you but you will in time.

It felt good for her to say that to me.
Then I opened up and shared with her about a few nights ago, when I laid in bed and started balling, having an anxiety attack and not knowing why or where it was coming from. I hadn't had one in years.

She said, what were you thinking at the time? I said about how I lost my mom, then my dad and just feeling really lonely, and like I was going to die, heart racing and totally overwhelmed.

she said did I come to mind in that. I said yes you did, that I lost them and now I feel like I am about to lose you to. She said I'm really sorry to cause you heartache like that. I didn't mean to do that.

Then I said, If I were to die, I don't think anyone would even know. She looked right at me and said, I would know. Then we talked alittle about me feeling really lonely.

She said, do you ever pick up the phone and call a sibling or friend when that is happening. I said no, I just lay there and cry and try to use self talk to calm myself. She said how did you do it that night. I said I don't really remember I think I just cried till I feel asleep.

I sat there holding back with everything I had, because I would have balled my eyes out. It's hard to let someone really know the depths of what I feel. Or I should say that I am afraid to let them know.

I did show her some of my drawings for the first time as well. She asked lots of questions about them. Then we talked a lot about my work.
It was a good session. Why can't all sessions be like that

I'm glad I spoke up. I hate doing that but she'll never know unless I do. I am trying really hard to push myself to do that more.

[3velniai]

I'm glad it went so well. I read all your posts about this thing with your T and thought "wow, I wish I could stand up for myself like this and be so open one day".

[peaches100]

Hangingon,

You were so brave and i am so happy to know the two of you talked it over. It's good that your t was willing to take the blame for having spoken abruptly and for the hurt that caused you. It took a little time, but she realizes she erred in judgement. It takes a humble person to admit that. It also sounds like she is doing what she can to try to repair the rupture and earn your trust back. I'm so glad things worked out this way.

((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))

It is great that you are being so honest with T, even though it's hard and scary. That's how we heal

[rainbow8]

That sounds like a great session you just had. Yes, it feels so good when you can straighten things out with yout T! I'm glad she admitted that she was wrong.

What a good session. Your T seems to be working hard to repair your relationship, and you are definitely meeting her halfway - good for you! And that's so great for you that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with her, opening up about your panic attack and showing her your drawings. Feel strong about that!

[chaotic13]

Hangingon,
Your session sounds a lot like the session I had with my T after I had a major meltdown. It is amazing when you have a discussion with someone who can handle themselves without getting defensive and who will actually listen and accept that they might have made a mistake. Working through that issue really help me in trusting my T.

[hangingon]

3velniai,

I almost feel like it was more desperation on my part because I was so confused about what was going on. I finally had to speak up, it was not easy at all and I am still nervous to go in and see her. I am sure that will change with time.

Baby steps.....sometimes it taking a small thing you are really nervous about mentioning and then it gets a little easier to do.
One time I sat in the chair in thought to myself, whats the worst thing she could do if I said this? So I just blurted something out and she thanked me for sharing it with her.

Peaches,
Thank you.....Yes it does show she is trying and the fact that she apologized was really helpful to me. I'm still a little on edge about the whole thing but I think it will work out.

Tree and Rainbow,
Thank you both as well. I hope its the start of something good thats for sure!

Dreamseeker,
Yeah the speaking up about the anxiety attack was big for me. I don't like people to know those things. I feel I have to do everything on my own, that sparks from my childhood. I'm trying to learn how to let people in.

Chaotic,
Thank you. I am hoping this is the start of something healthy for me. Maybe just trusting her more. It may take a little time but I am working on it. I am glad that your rupture turned out for the better as well. Sometimes this stuff is so difficult.

[Abby]

Hangingon - thank you so much for your post. I have a similar thing happening in therapy and although i've been back and discussed how hurt i have been by her actions and she has apologised, i've never really allowed myself to be as emotionally involved in therapy in the same way. This situation isn't like yours in that although i have been hurt by her actions i can tell i'm being manipulative by holding it against her as i am doing. I really shouldn't go to therapy if i am going to continue doing that because nothing will ever change no matter what she says to me if i simply hold a grudge....even if that grudge is because i feel so vulnerable. So i wanted to thank you for posting your experience, and for showing me that although it is very scary to trust again, i perhaps can gain back some degree of relationship with this therapist if i decide i want to.
Good luck with the continuation of your therapy. You are a very brave person!

Originally Posted by Abby

nothing will ever change no matter what she says to me if i simply hold a grudge....even if that grudge is because i feel so vulnerable.

((((((((((((((((Abby))))))))))))))))

I have had a few ruptures with T...(I think he said we've had 4?? Feels like more than that to me!) There was one in particular where he REALLY hurt my feelings. He just screwed up, big time. He knew he did it, but there wasn't any way to go back and do it over.

We talked about it, and he apologized, and I knew he meant it. I wanted SO SO badly to put my walls back up, and I did for a little while. But I realized he is human, and will make mistakes (which sucks!) and that if I was going to move forward in therapy I was going to have to literally just let it go. And I did.

In a way, I felt like I was "giving in" - but on the other hand, there was nothing else to do. He was sorry, it was over, and we both learned from it. Looking back, I'm glad that I was willing to let it go, even though it was hard at the time, because I couldn't have moved forward in therapy if I hadn't.

Therapeutic ruptures are so hard.... lots of to you

[hangingon]

Your welcome Abby!

It is really difficult to be vulnerable. I have a very hard time with it because it often lead to things happening to me when I was younger.
I am trying to allow myself to trust my T more. Thats not to say that I have taken all my walls down, I'm am still feeling this out after a really hard session 2 weeks ago.

I want to believe that she really truly does mean it when she says she is sorry. In the natural, my normal way of dealing with something like this is to run. I have done that with many relationships in my life. This time I am trying to do things differently.

I am not an easy client for her. I don't open up a lot but she's been pretty patient. I think I get more frustrated with myself.

Heck, my T is going away for 2 weeks. I told her that I am totally fine with it that it won't bother me at all. But in reality, I will miss her, I just can't tell her that. I guess it's my way of not letting her hurt me, or perhaps not revealing my vulnerability.

I am glad that you are considering the grudge and how to go about dealing with it thats great insight! Therapy is for you!

Ps...your strong as well to have addressed how what she had done had hurt you.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))) Thank you forthinking about me today

I'm very, very glad to read about how you and T are working so hard to work through your rupture.

[cmac13]

About amonth ago I had a session with my therapist where she really hurt my feelings. I did not have the courage to say anything during the session and left feeling so sad and confused. When I got home I was feeling so bad that I called her back to let her know what I had felt during the session. I left her a voice message. She called me back within an hour but I missed the call so she left a message and she said that it was important for me to not let it just go but to talk with her about it. She said in the message to call her back and let her know when it would be a good time to talk with her over the phone later in the day. She ended up calling after her day at work and we talked for about an hour about what I was feeling. She was sincerely apologetic and did not realize what was happening in the session because I did not let her know. After the phone call I felt better but still felt confused and unsure. So I called her back on a Sunday and left a message asking if I could see her during the week on an unscheduled day. She called me first thing Monday morning and made time for me to come in for a face to face session to further discuss the situation. Everything was resolved. She hugged me and told me never to be afraid to let her know when my feelings are hurt. She said our relationship is important and she will not abandon me for having those kinds of feelings. She is a wonderful therapist and I appreciate her understanding me. We have been working together for many years...

[chaotic13]

Hangingon, I'm a runner too. I remember after quitting I eventually descided that it was important to ME, to confront her and quit in a face-to-face interaction. I remember several people here on PC encouraged me not to just quit without telling her why. Making that appoint was so rough. But I went and looking back I learn a powerful lesson. Sometimes not running is a good option too.

[hangingon]

Your welcome Coconut!!!
Hope you are doing well. Miss seeing you around

Wow Cmac,
Thats great that your therapist knew how important it was to work through and clarify things for you. It was also good that you had the courage to bring it up to her. I know thats really hard to do. I am glad that it worked out so well for you.

Chaotic,
I agree, I am glad that I did not run this time either. I was really ready to drop everything and not return anymore. You know sort of more to protect myself. Don't get close, don't get hurt.
But I am learning that in doing that I am actually hurting myself by not allowing myself that closeness to others.
Ah sometimes this can be so complicated. I wish I could really just trust a lot more than I do.

[chaotic13]

Me too. But I am getting better at it...just very slowly.