[TrespassersWill]

And it made me mad and embarrassed afterwards. Geez she said "well I see not having therapy while I was on vacation for over 2 weeks gave you a lot of time to reflect on things and do a lot of thinking". Actually I have been reflecting on the issues I brought up for over a month and just never brought it up before. So it made me mad for some reason just because she said that. But I started bawling like a damn baby and I hate doing that. She probably didn't know I could even cry being an Aspie and all. Actually she looked like she could cry after I started crying so that made me feel even worse. I don't recall every crying before in therapy.

She also irked me at the end of the session saying "well I can see you are going to need to talk more soon" so you can come back on Monday. Yeah I know she's really nice. But it bothers me that she thinks I need her.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( t w ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((TW)))))))))))))))))

I remember the first time I cried with T. I really never cried, ever, not even alone at home, and there I was, WITH another person, crying. I couldn't believe it.

We talked about it at the next session. He wanted to know how I felt about it, and he wanted me to know that it was absolutely okay - that any and all feelings that come up in therapy are accepted.

It's hard and scary to be cared for when we're not used to it. I'm glad you will see T on Monday, even though it might feel uncomfortable.

[chaotic13]

TW, it was probably good that you cried and were able to let stuff out. However I would not have liked to hear my T say those comments. Maybe she was just trying be light-hearted and let you know crying in front of her is no big deal. Maybe she is so accustom to other patients crying, she didn't get how you experienced it.

I don't ever remember being even close to tears while actually IN a session...I think my body just automatically withdraws before I get to that point. Afterward and alone at 3 am yes, but not during a session.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by TrespassersWill

And it made me mad and embarrassed afterwards. Geez she said "well I see not having therapy while I was on vacation for over 2 weeks gave you a lot of time to reflect on things and do a lot of thinking". Actually I have been reflecting on the issues I brought up for over a month and just never brought it up before. So it made me mad for some reason just because she said that. But I started bawling like a damn baby and I hate doing that. She probably didn't know I could even cry being an Aspie and all. Actually she looked like she could cry after I started crying so that made me feel even worse. I don't recall every crying before in therapy.

She also irked me at the end of the session saying "well I can see you are going to need to talk more soon" so you can come back on Monday. Yeah I know she's really nice. But it bothers me that she thinks I need her.

ouch! i would be really upset if my T said something like that if i ever cried (which i never ever ever ever ever will, just because i'm scared of something as insensitive as that). this is re: her comment of her being away giving you time to think.

but then you said she looked like she was going to cry. can you identify why it made you feel worse? for me, when i first started therapy (many, many years ago) - the slightest sign of caring was something that made me feel bad, like i was responsible for making another person feel bad . but recently it has been ok to see my T (pdoc) show the same emotions as what i'm feeling (he teared up recently) because it makes me feel like... he really gets it. he really does care about me. it's scary, but it's nice to have someone with me too.

i know you know your T is being nice with offering the extra session, but it bothers you (angers you?) that she thinks you need her. are you going to see her on Monday, after all? do you think you could bring this up with her? i had the most excruciating conversation with my pdoc today but it cleared so much up. he knows i dont need him, but still he offers the extra sessions sometimes because he also is concerned about me and doesnt want me to be in distress.

[TrespassersWill]

Well technically I guess yesterday was my extra session as I always go on Mondays. She generally keeps the same slot for each person. She for whatever reason offered me yesterday before she went on her trip at our last session saying that was the day after she got back from vacation and had a couple of open slots still. So I think she was trying to make it so I only missed one session while she was gone and not two.

I think it just angered me that she thinks I need her. But I think it bothers me deep down that anybody would think I need them because I've always been rather independent not needing anyone. I think I do need others, but its just the way I grew up not really having anyone to depend on or trust and being abused emotionally that I have kind of enveloped this idea that I don't need anyone and resent anyone that thinks I might need them. Geez I don't know if that would even make sense to anyone else. She also said "I know I'm the only person you have". Which is kinda true though I have a couple of trusted friends, but she doesn't have to be so blunt about it that my family is not supportive or emotionally there for me.

What I don't understand is how both my T's have sometimes looked red faced and blotchy with sad eyes like they were going to cry when I have talked about bad stuff. Seriously I don't get it how they look like they are going to cry. Why should they cry? They are just a paid friendship is all T's are if truth me known. I feel bad that nobody would meet up with be just to chat once a week as a friend and I have to pay someone to do that.

Originally Posted by TrespassersWill

What I don't understand is how both my T's have sometimes looked red faced and blotchy with sad eyes like they were going to cry when I have talked about bad stuff. Seriously I don't get it how they look like they are going to cry. Why should they cry? They are just a paid friendship is all T's are if truth me known. I feel bad that nobody would meet up with be just to chat once a week as a friend and I have to pay someone to do that.

My T has teared up before when we are talking. I think it shows that they are really "with" us, empathizing with where we are at. It does surprise me when it happens, even though I know T cares about me.

As for feeling like you are paying someone to meet up with you once a week for a chat...I think T's are doing much more than that, even though it doesn't FEEL like it. While we are with them, a good T is totally focused on us, thinking of ways to help us move forward and heal, making sure we feel safe, gently pushing us when we need it, keeping everything in complete confidentiality. A friend probably can't provide all of this for us. Friends ARE important, for sure. I love my friends...but it is more of a reciprocal relationship. I am there for them and they are there for me. During the two hours a week I see him, T is JUST there for me.

I HAVE struggled with the "paid friend" concept in therapy, for sure. But I am learning that it is more than that.

[TrespassersWill]

You get two hours a week? I'm jealous. I only get 50 minutes!

[TrespassersWill]

Oh we did discuss the paid friend concept and she said that that was true for a number of her patients. She then said but her job was to move people past that to where they can make a friend on their own in the real world and not need her anymore. I suppose that might work if you can find friends that give good advice, though every one I know is mentally messed up though in different ways. I mean amongst my friends they are schizos, aspies, bipolars, ptsd suffers and clutterers. Not that anything is "wrong" with any of them as they are all good people. But no one I have ever met is as all together as my current T is. I mean she seems to live the right way, have good relationships and raise her kids in a good way without ruining them for life if you know what I mean. I meet friends in all facets of life in different ways, so I don't think I seek out other disturbed people like myself. There just happens to be an awful lot of us out there I think because the world is so messed up itself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

[quote=treehouse;1056799 As for feeling like you are paying someone to meet up with you once a week for a chat...I think T's are doing much more than that[/quote]

I had decided to lurk for a while but this one caught me. NO ONE I know would put up with the kind of "chats" that T and I have.

Not even for money.

[TrespassersWill]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I had decided to lurk for a while but this one caught me. NO ONE I know would put up with the kind of "chats" that T and I have.

Not even for money.

I often wonder what others talk about with T's, like if I have normal therapy or not. The other patients always seem to walk out grinning ear to ear as I am waiting to see her and that makes me feel bad because I walk out usually troubled and near tears. I guess I'm a big baby.

[laura2]

trespass, your so funny! nice funny i wouldnt worry about the crying thing, when i went to my first T session, if there was one thing i was sure of, that i wasn't gonna cry, no way, but i did, have done on most since, i turn up now & the tissues are already on my side, u can only stay embarrassed for so long, but if its the only place you do cry, it does help

I understand your anger at T for thinking you need her, i was exactly the same, made me want to prove i didn't, these people are so clever at suss'in out what support you do & don't have, regardless what you say, i was too ashamed to say i didn't have anyone, i didnt need anyone, was toooo independent, they see through it, makes you feel totally transparent & vulnerable, i think that's the hardest thing

again like you i've never come out with a grin on my face, often more confused & a need to run to the car like hell

your not alone, dig deep & stay with it

[TrespassersWill]

Thanks Laura. For some messed up reason I'm glad I'm not the only one that cries during therapy. I guess I should wish everyone laughed and had a good time during sessions, but instead I get mad when I hear others laughing in there. How I wish T would get a noise masking machine now that the other T that was next door to her moved out and took the machine. I don't want to hear what goes on with others in there.

I'm afraid I won't be seeing her for too much longer. She keeps talking like she is going to dump me. As soon as I get on disability and get Medicare she's dropping me because she doesn't take Medicare and no therapists in town do. I can't start over with anyone else anyway. Its too hard for me to trust people. It was terrible trying to adjust to this T after I left the first one. Even though I hated the first one she somehow felt safe.

[chaotic13]

IDK... It sounds like your Ts comments have played right into what your parasite was hoping for. I had MANY, MANY, mental loops take me to a point of feeling like my T doesn't care and is just a stranger I pay to listen to me an hour every two weeks. I've also played the loop about my T realizes how vulnerable and dependent I am on her and is now finally using that power to taunt, make fun of, and have me jump through hoops.

If you can, try to express to her how these comments made you feel. My experiences with having very similar thoughts and feelings...they will continue to fester and make you doubt your T.I spent AT least 6 months of hell holding in stuff like this until I exploded and let them out. Not fun at it totally stalled my progress.

[TrespassersWill]

I don't get it. What parasite? Didn't know I had any. My T admitted that she is just a paid friend and that's what T's are. I just wish there wasn't rules and I could pay her to go to the movies or out for lunch with me and do something fun with the T instead of sit with her in her office crying while the next patient eavesdrops on our conversation.

[Indie'sOK]

I've either cried or come close to doing so during a lot of my sessions. It kind of freaks me out, because I'll go in thinking that I won't cry, and then it happens anyway. Last week, I came very close to doing it, because I was so relieved that I could finally tell someone this stuff.