So this has been a hard summer in therapy. T has been on TWO vacations, he's had a hurt back (which shouldn't have affected my therapy, but it just did), I am going on vacation at the end of the month. My appointments feel so hit and miss with all of these breaks and with T being hurt. At first I shut down, but during his last vacation, I really worked hard at letting myself feel my feelings and stay open to needing T. I even left a couple of messages and sent him an e-mail when he came back (yesterday) kind of catching him up on where I'm at.

I was looking forward SO MUCH to having my normal two appointments a week for the next three weeks before my vacation. Just to have that sense of my safe place being "there", and T being "there", and all of that.

I went for my appt at 5 today and sat down and told T that I was feeling really anxious. I asked him about his vacation and he told me that something came up - a friend's father died - and he is canceling all of his Thursday appts this week. My appt is supposed to be on Thursday

I KNOW this sounds so selfish and babyish, but it was just the last straw. All of this stopping and starting is getting to me. I CRIED which upset me. I asked T why he didn't tell me BEFORE my appt and he thought about it and said he thought about calling or e-mailing but didn't because he thought I wouldn't have come today. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE COME TODAY. It feels sooooo manipulative. I wanted to leave at 5:15 and wrote my check and he asked me if I could stay until 5:30. So I did, and then at 5:30 it was like "just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes". I finally left at 5:45 and I WISH I had left at 5:15. He even said something during the appt about how in the past I was in relationships where the other person was totally in control (yeah, duh, that's how CSA works) and looking back at the appt, I don't know why he didn't just let me leave and have that control. Maybe he was worried about me...but really, I think me staying just made HIM feel better. Like, "well, I sure gave it my all with treehouse, too bad she's still upset". I hate him.

So now I have another therapy break. He always leaves me a message after appointments but I have to ask for "what I need" and I am NOT going to do that, so I won't have a message. Part of me feels like "if he calls and leaves a message anyway, maybe I'll forgive him" but I recognize that as totally immature and stupid. If I want something I need to ask for it. And I'm not going to ask for it so I'm not going to get it.

I know I sound like a horrible person. I just feel like looking back, I wish I could go and get EVERYTHING I've told him BACK and never have started therapy in the first place. I feel sooooooooooooo unimportant, which of course, I am, but now I really "get it".

Driving home I thought about erasing all of his stupid messages from my phone, but that made me cry AGAIN so I didn't. I might. I'm going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow.

I really, really, really, really want to quit therapy. Or at least take a break. I don't think I'm going to go to my appt on Tuesday. I'm going to call AT MY APPT TIME and leave a message that I'm not coming. And then I'll decide how to proceed from there.

In every single rupture we've ever had in 20 months I have ALWAYS gone to my appointments - I don't think I've missed one ever. I just feel like a switch flipped. Maybe a switch did flip. Maybe teen is spilling over into grown up me. I don't know.

I'm embarassed to post this because it's so stupid and selfish. Don't be mean to me, please. If just ONE person understands, I feel like it would make me feel a little better. Maybe.

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((((((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))))))))

It's okay to be upset---your therapy hasn't been too consistent lately what with T's vacay and his hurt back and now thursday is cancelled. You can be upset and no one is going to be mean to you for expressing yourself. It's better to get it out than hold it in---this coming from someone who holds EVERYTHING in...

Please don't shut T out. I am sure you will be able to fix this rupture too. Right now you are just upset,but once you come down a little maybe you will be able to look at the situation a little clearer. It's not T's fault. He is trying to be a supportive friend right now, something any one of us would do, right? Even though you are upset right now can you at some point be open to that perspective?

(((((Tree)))) So sorry that your session turned out this way - you sure didn't need this on top of everything you're already dealing with. Please be good to yourself this week, and take time to work through these emotions before making any decisions about next Tuesday or about ending therapy altogether.

[Miracle1986]

(((((Treehouse)))))

[chaotic13]

Treehouse,
What do you tell others? Expressing what your feeling is good. Vent it out here where it can't hurt ya. See what's all in there and then work through it. Your right some of the feelings you are expressing sound like they are coming from those younger ego states. That's OK, isn't what we are learning is to hear them out, and then work through it. Your plan to wait until thursday to cancel your appointment sounds good. Get it all out until then. (((Hugs)))

I called T and left a message apologizing.

Blah.

[lifelesstraveled]

I actually have the worst migraine i have ever had right now. all of my panic/anxiety attacks lately have been around a headache. i'm going to go to bed and probably have new perspective tomorrow.

i suck

[skeksi]

hang in there, treehouse. you're going to navigate yourself through this.

[MissCharlotte]

Ahhh gee Tree,

You don't suck. You don't sound like a baby. You sound disappointed and hurt. That seems appropriate to me.

I hate it when T changes schedules and I hate it when that makes me feel powerless. Blah is right, therapy often sucks. But I'm glad you went to bed -- you need rest. Take care of you.

(((((((((treehouse)))))))))

you don't suck. a nap sounds like a good idea. i think naps could solve probably half the world's problems. take care sweetie.

When I went to bed, I left T a message before I went to sleep. I told him that I had the worst migraine ever, probably from going through so many big emotions - the overwhelming anxiety before the session thinking we were going to talk about the rape, the hurt and disappointment when I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me right when I got there and he told me about Thursday, the shame and embarrassment and guilt about how I reacted, the sadness about having a rupture with T. I apologized again, and asked him if he would leave a message, even if it's just to say "I got your apology and heard what you were saying".

My little part and grown up me are scared that he is angry and won't leave a message. Even though he made it clear in session that he wasn't angry and that if he were me, he would feel exactly how I was feeling. Teen part doesn't care. Teen part gives me a headache.

So, I've started the day with 1000mg of tylenol and 325 mg of asprin and half a klonopin and a cup of coffee (I don't usually drink coffee) and I'm sipping green tea. I figure that will either keep the migraine at bay, or I'll be WIDE AWAKE with liver damage

Thanks for the support. I can't believe how strong my reaction was to him canceling Thursday. I asked him if he rescheduled any of his other Thursday clients and he HESITATED and then said "yes, for next week". I wonder if that's true. If he could have just rescheduled me for Friday, none of this would have been a big deal. I bet he did reschedule some people for Friday (the people he CALLED) and was out of appts by the time he told me.

Whoops! Going to the place again that gives me a headache! Going to try to breathe, be a sane grown up, and let it go. Breathing....

Thanks for the support, PC friends

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Don't be mean to me, please. If just ONE person understands, I feel like it would make me feel a little better. Maybe.

((((((((((((((((((((( dearest Treehouse!! )))))))))))))))))))))

your post is not selfish. In all that long rant I noticed that you never once mentioned the stress you have been under in recent months with your family events - which are huge - through all of those you have struggled to be selfLESS, not selfISH. And the support of T helped you get through that.

leaving yr appt early, cancelling next one, erasing his messages, I understand all of this - I have been right where you are standing too - but if I could very gently say it, all of this is a form of SI, in a spirit of "I'll show YOU T!!" but it will harm only you, sweet Treehouse; please don't do anything rash. remember (difficult, but important) when you are upset, make NO CHANGE: wait until you are at peace to decide whether you want to make a change.

I am so sorry for your pain. I'm all out of chai but I've got some tropical punch Kool-Aid if you want to share. gentle hugs for you my friend

[chaotic13]

Treehouse,
Why do you assume that he rescheduled some clients for friday but not you? Maybe he did maybe he didn't. In your post it sounds like you are using that information to put yourself down, to make yourself feel less than others.

I get this line of thought...I do it to myself all the time. Sometimes it is good for me to challenge the deeper assumption that it is based one. Often when I do challenge this deeper assumption, I can see how false it is and the anger and fear seems to lesson. In the end I am still disappointed about the loss of a session, but at least I am not feeling like it was done to hurt me or because I was worthless or less important than someone else.

[Luce]

Oh boy oh boy.
Just want to say I GET it. I've been thru the same kind of circumstances with my T and reacted the same kind of way. It is just so HARD to be that level of vulnerable with someone and have them cancel sessions when you NEED them so much (yes... even when the cancellations are totally legitimate and beyond the Ts control). The need for self protection (by withdrawing / rejecting the T) is so real.
I also know (from years of going thru this cycle myself!) that it IS a cycle... and I can see that you are working your way thru it.

Keep at it. You and T will get back on the right footing again soon, even tho this whole vacation thing is still throwing it all out for a bit. I know it is frustrating and hard, and it would be SO much better if there weren't all these breaks happening at the moment. Unfortunately they ARE happening and there is nothing else to do but wade your way thru them as best you can, and hold out for when you and T can get back on track with your appointments. Hang in there.

[peaches100]

((((((Treeehouse))))))

The others have all given you some great encouragement and insights. I don't have anything left to say. . .except that i understand your reaction. It's hard enough to deal with t's vacation. But to deal with several missed sessions in a short time, along with the other stress you've been under, well, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I would have felt the exact same way. So please don't be down on yourself.

[Amazonmom]

That sucks.

((((((((treehouse))))))))

[SpottedOwl]

((((treehouse))))

Safety is the issue du jour for me lately. Everything I talk about in T ends up being about feeling safe. It is slowly filtering down into my consciousness just how much this need for safety is affecting everything in my life. Reading your posts, I couldn't help but read into it that the sudden change of appointments might have jolted *your* feelings of safety.

But, how do we feel safe?
I've realized that the regular appointment time -- just having a predictable time to meet with T gives me a feeling of safety. I know what to expect. I trust that T will be there and care about what I have to say. It is the same way that good parents provide safety for their kids...by being reliable, having structure, and being open to the kid's emotional state.

I don't know if you're feelings of safety were challenged, but this is obviously triggering something deep...one of those core needs. Whenever our core needs are triggered, it is totally normal to have a powerful reaction.

Find something in your life that feels solid. Go hang out by a big tree and wiggle your toes in the earth. Feel the soil, the solidness of the roots supporting that big tree, and the earth nourishing those roots. Let the earth and the tree nourish you too.

I do think my feelings of safety were triggered, for sure. And it brought up a lot of old feelings of "I don't really matter anyway, to ANYONE". Two big, deep hurts. Old feelings for sure, but present-day ones too.

T left me a message first thing this morning. He said that whatever the reason, it just sucked that my appointment had to be canceled. He said yesterday was incredibly hard, and he totally understands my reaction...we've been talking a lot lately about how hard this time of year is with the inconsistency, and then all of the stuff I have going on in my life. Bad timing. He said it's totally understandable that I would have strong feelings about it - but the bottom line is "we're good" and to not worry about him and me (he's not mad)...but to pay attention to all of the emotions that welled up and where they are coming from. He said it's just a hard, hard place...but not to let it derail all of the good work we're doing. He said we'll keep moving forward, and not to worry about it. He knows my schedule, so he remembered to tell me to have fun at my guitar lesson today. For some reason, the fact that he remembered that made me feel better. I guess because it makes me feel like a "real" person to him after all.

I called him later and asked if we could touch base on Friday, so he is going to call me on his way home from work on Friday so we can chat. And we are going to do a 90 minute appt on Tuesday instead of 60 minutes, just to get back in the groove.

SO. I guess I've decided to let myself need him after all. Part of me (teen, I'm sure) is skeptical, but I've worked so, so, so, SO hard to get to the point I'm at in therapy, and I just don't want to give up. So, onward I march.

Spotted Owl...thanks for the tree idea. I like the idea of grounding myself in something solid, and of course, something outside in the sun and air and trees and dirt is the thing that grounds me more than anything else.

I have had a migraine for DAYS and it finally got so bad last night that I just couldn't function anymore. So I took the money I am NOT spending on T tomorrow when I was supposed to have an appt and got a massage today to see if it would help my head. A friend volunteered without me even asking to come and watch my boys AND bring them lunch...it felt like a million pounds lifted off of my shoulders. So I had the massage and was able to make it to guitar lesson. Migraine came back tonight but I am trying everything under the sun to make it go away. I get bad headaches when I'm switching a lot, and I think all of this stress is pushing me over the edge a little.

But I will try to breathe, and trust T, and have my phone call with him, and appreciate the love from my friends, and the support at PC, and get out in nature as much as I can.... Just try to find some hope and hang on to it.

[skeksi]

I'm glad you feel more connected with T now, treehouse

It does suck that you'll miss the appointment, but it's good that you and he both are looking for ways to reconnect when you are next able to. I think a huge part of my therapy has been learning that I can be upset and hurt and not have a relationship explode in my face, that these things can be coped with. You're doing good work, even though it's painful.

[deliquesce]

[googley]

(((((Treehouse))) I'm glad that you were able to reconnect with your T.