I thought about posting this yesterday, but then I thought, OMG I am THE SAME THING over and over again, so I stopped myself. Here I am again today still worrying about the same stuff, so I'm posting! Forgive me for cycling back to the same issue over and over and over and over and over again

I see T tomorrow morning. I haven't seen him since last Thursday - we usually do twice a week but are transitioning to three times every two weeks because that's all my schedule will allow. We've had almost no contact between sessions - we did our phone message thing on Thursday and then we exchanged one e-mail this weekend. Now session is coming tomorrow and I feel like

I just feel nervous, and I don't know why. I don't want him to sit on the couch with me - when I picture him being that close, I feel smothered..so I'm going to ask him to sit in his chair. And then I kind of wonder...what's that all about? I SO want to go in and feel connected, but I'm scared I'm not going to. And then we'll spend the whole session reconnecting, and then it will be over. I am SO SICK of reconnecting. I just want to STAY connected. I don't know why my brain won't let me just relax and enjoy the fact that we have a good connection.

I have a lot of grief from all of my realizations about love this weekend. I always knew intellectually that it was a sad thing to grow up without being loved, but now instead of "knowing" it, I am "feeling" it. I wonder if I want T far away from me because he loves me and it's just too much to take? I don't WANT to push love away, but it's like I can't stop myself.

Ack. Therapy

tree

Of course you can always post the same thing over and over again, though I think this is a bit different than your 'overwhelmed' post.

I just feel nervous, and I don't know why.

That sounds like a good starting point to me.

I don't want him to sit on the couch with me - when I picture him being that close, I feel smothered..so I'm going to ask him to sit in his chair. And then I kind of wonder...what's that all about?

Also a really good topic to discuss with T.

I have a lot of grief from all of my realizations about love this weekend.

It sounds like this is at the core of everything else. If this is what you want to focus on, then I think it will all tie into feeling connected to T somehow. At least that's what I experienced yesterday - I started talking about being afraid that T would go away if I opened up, and I ended up talking about some very deep fears and feelings, and it all related back to why I was afraid of losing T - really amazing stuff!

I don't WANT to push love away, but it's like I can't stop myself.

I totally get that. Please be gentle with yourself, and know that your T will ALWAYS be there for you, no matter how fast or slow you're going, no matter if you're wanting him next to you or sitting across from you. That's a great feeling, to know that T will be there! Take comfort in that, and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I hope you have a great session!

[Kiya]

And remember too that it is ok to just be where you're at.
I have t tonight. And she always asks me what I need this week. I've never had an answer. But right now my answer is "i am in maitinence mode". no deep topics, no sudden movements. I've already got too much going on ya know??

Just bloom where you're planted, Tree and breathe. you'll be just fine. <3

[deliquesce]

.

I left a message for T and told him that I am so sad right now, and that I'm anxious about feeling disconnected tomorrow...and I told him if there IS a disconnect, it's ALL me being crazy, because NOTHING has happened to cause a disconnect, at ALL. The connection has been really good lately, and I know T works ridiculously hard with me.

A week without seeing him and with barely any contact in between feels really distant and strange to me. Not normal.

Ugh, I am SO SAD. I have this pain in my chest all the time, like I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not even 100% sure what I'm sad about. My schedule with my kids is just nuts, so I am running from early in the morning until late at night, leaving not much time to FEEL. When things slow down, there it is. The sadness. I almost feel like I've never felt this sad.

[MissCharlotte]

I find that one of the weirdest things about therapy is how we DO go over the same things again and again. And I distinctly recall reading that would happen and not "getting" it. But now, as I go over some things I gain much deeper and more complete understanding. Each time I learn about me, I learn something new. I just don't always get it right at the time. Sometimes it comes out much later.

One of the absolute hardest things is the connect/disconnect/connect cycle. I will be there myself tomorrow, so here we go Tree, let's hold hands and jump in the pool together!

[BlueMoon6]

Im glad you left a message for t. Did he call you back? It might help if you briefly re-connect before the session.A pre-connection connection.

I experience the same surge of feeling after a day of going going going. It all comes rushing at me like a wave of....anything....If I dont get a chance to process my day or feelings they come at me at the end of the day as overwhelming.

It sounds like you may start your session with a disconect (that is if you dont get to talk tonight) and then he will get you re-connected fast. Can you make a plan to email or talk from now on regularly if you arent coming in as often? That might help for next time .

[Kiya]

You know, i am noticing something. Y'all call your T's when stuff is going on or you feel lost or scared or lonely or they are away or.... or.... it is a weekly thing. I only call mine if i am in CRISIS. and i even stopped doing that since there was no point.
Lately, she's been telling me that I don't tell her things. "If something comes up you are likely to email me, but you won't tell me". @_@
I have seen you all ask if "this is normal" and do posts on how often ppl call their T's... maybe that really is both normal and expected? I never thought an email is "not telling" her stuff. It is like she *wants* me to call. I may have to ask her about that tonight if i remember.
Hope I shouldn't have started another post for this.... I can if I should have. Anyway, point being WAY TO GO TREE for calling. I am glad you called and glad your T wants you to call.
((((((((Hugs!!!))))))))))

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Ugh, I am SO SAD. I have this pain in my chest all the time, like I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not even 100% sure what I'm sad about. My schedule with my kids is just nuts, so I am running from early in the morning until late at night, leaving not much time to FEEL. When things slow down, there it is. The sadness. I almost feel like I've never felt this sad.

Is it a pain in the chest or is it longing? Because I can sure relate to the longing...Sometimes I would sit down in a quiet place and try to get in touch with what exactly it was that I was wanting. Maybe you are missing him and wanting to connect? I really think that therapy stirs up emotions and sometimes it seems as if they are just laying there with you. It's hard to handle and understand them, but if you can discover what the feelings are trying to tell you it becomes easier to work through them. Maybe it's an important sign that you are allowing yourself the sadness.

I know what you mean about the kids' schedules. It's crazy sometimes. School supplies, clothes shopping, lunches and all of that paperwork to fill out...Ugh!

As far as staying connected between sessions, I think that involves some letting go of fears. It involves trusting yourself, trusting your feelings and trusting the connection. Always easier said than done.

I hope you have a productive, healing session tomorrow.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I find that one of the weirdest things about therapy is how we DO go over the same things again and again. And I distinctly recall reading that would happen and not "getting" it. But now, as I go over some things I gain much deeper and more complete understanding. Each time I learn about me, I learn something new. I just don't always get it right at the time. Sometimes it comes out much later.

Yes yes yes!!! MissC, you described exactly how I have felt! It's taken me awhile to understand the importance of going over something time and time again. I remember that I told my T at the very beginning that I didn't want to sound like a broken record, but T said that's pretty much what therapy is, that we can't talk about something new every single session, or it would just get too chaotic.

I am SO SAD. I have this pain in my chest all the time, like I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not even 100% sure what I'm sad about.

Tree I have felt that pain in my chest, and that lump in my throat until it burns - it is a horrible feeling! I hope that T can help it go away for you!

kiya, i only call him because it goes straight to voice mail, so there is no chance at all he can pick up. otherwise, NO WAY would i call!!!

[rainbow8]

Good luck, tree! I'm sorry you are so sad, and I hope that your session helps make you less sad.

My T told me that it is all right to go over the same material because although the material is the same, I am in a different place each time, so I should not think of it as being repetitious.

[Kiya]

earlier i wrote "I have seen you all ask if "this is normal" and do posts on how often ppl call their T's... maybe that really is both normal and expected? I never thought an email is "not telling" her stuff. It is like she *wants* me to call. I may have to ask her about that tonight if i remember. "

heh, well, i didn't remember LOL