[splitimage]

I'm currently finishing a 10 week stint in rehab, for alcohol, which my T is very happy about. However I still have these incredibly self destructive impulses like wanting to drink, cut, or take 10 mg of clonazapam so that I can completely numb out and not feel anything for a few hours. I expressed this to T. She was not happy - I mean she wasn't upset at me, it was more that she was upset that I still have these strong urges. I told her I didn't think I'd ever get over the desire to numb out until, I got the part of me that's suicidal to stop being suicidal. This made her even sadder.

Now she wants to do ego state work, combined with EMDR to determine which of my ego states is suicidal, and figure out what we need to do to heal it (me?). But I'm scared of the intensity of my feelings. EMDR has been very effective for me, but I find it emotionally very intense, and I find ego state work really hard. I guess I'm just worried by being flooded with old memories / emotions and not being able to handle them. My T is usually very good with helping me with containment so that I'm ok between sessions, but this feels bigger & I know it's going to get into some abuse issues that I'm only just starting to be a teensy bit comfortable talking about.

I trust her implicitely and kind of believe her when she says I'll be ok. It just feels very big and overwhelming and scary, and makes me want to run away and hide.

--splitimage

[Kiya]

((((((((((SplitImage))))))))))
boy i know that "run and hide" instinct very well, combined with t. That is the work that is before me also, and i ... well, i can't get myself to go there. @_@

No wrods of advice, all i can do is sit with you as you think on it, and travel with you if you want coming if you choose that route. kiya

[rainbow8]

splitimage: I understand the scary feelings, but it sounds like you have a great T who will be there with you and help you if it gets too intense. Have you told her about your fears? I'm sure she will reassure you that you will be okay.

Good luck, and post how it's going for you.

(((((((((((((((splitimage))))))))))))

I was just thinking this morning that it seems like I have to do SOMETHING to alter how I feel all the time. It's like I can never just "be". So, I can relate to what you're saying.

Your T cares about you very much, and I am sure she will be very careful to not push you too fast or too hard. Know that whatever is going on in therapy, in the end, you are still the person in control....and that you can let her know if it feels like too much.

to you!

[peaches100]

My t and I have done EMDR and do quite abit of ego state work. Since I'm so sensitive and easily flooded, she has had to go slowly with me so i don't get overwhelmed. We made a few mistakes at first where she let me get too far into my pain, and it felt traumatizing for me. But we learned to go slower, and that works much better.

If you're afraid you might get overwhelmed with this work, maybe just remind your t (more than once if necessary) that you need to take things slowly so it doesn't emotionally flood you.

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Splitimage))))) I have to say that I can relate in a lot of ways. I had been in rehab a while ago twice. Once for a 2 1/2 months and the next time for 3 1/2 months. Each time I left I felt like a raw nerve not ready for the real world. Being on the "outside" felt really strange and way too dangerous.

Are you doing any after care? I know it seems scary now and Im sure your t knows what to do and how to keep you from leaving in such and "opened" state. Even tho you want to run and are scared, after the intensity of rehab is a really good time to do that kind of work (imo) b/c you are sort of already closer to feelings.

And if it would make you feel any better, I left both times wanting to act out as well....keep connected and do whatever it is they told you to do afterwards.

Love, hugs and peacefulness to you

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by peaches100

My t and I have done EMDR and do quite abit of ego state work. Since I'm so sensitive and easily flooded, she has had to go slowly with me so i don't get overwhelmed. We made a few mistakes at first where she let me get too far into my pain, and it felt traumatizing for me. But we learned to go slower, and that works much better.

i also just informed t of this (via email) because she'd started to introduce me to EMDR and i have no recollection of what happened. We've never gone back. Prior to that, when I was in a bad space, she had used the rapid eye movement to get me out of it, and that went over fine. So i sent her a reminder that i am open to trying - and using your hints, this might work

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Peaches100

My t and I have done EMDR and do quite abit of ego state work. Since I'm so sensitive and easily flooded, she has had to go slowly with me so i don't get overwhelmed. We made a few mistakes at first where she let me get too far into my pain, and it felt traumatizing for me. But we learned to go slower, and that works much better.

Peaches- could you explain this further? What did she do with EMDR that got too far? I have a friend that said this too. One of the t's Im interviewing does this and I dont know much about it except that painful experiences are brought up. It seems like something that might be too much for me too. Going slowly seems like a good idea.

[splitimage]

Thanks everybody. I'm still feeling scared although a teen bit less freaked out than I was.

Bluemoon - yes I'm doing the treatment center's aftercare program one morning for a year, plus I'm going to an afternoon program that's just for women at the same treatment centre, so I'm staying connected. Plus I need to get reinvolved with AA more regularly.

I generally like EMDR and I've found the ego state work very effective at resolving other issues in the past. it's just that this time I'm very clear at which ego state it is and what she wants. I call her the witch, and she wants to be integrated with my other ego states. I've been fighting this integration for a long time or rather my other ego states have been fighting it. I know what's involved because I somatize all my emotions and my body memories have been really intense lately and getting harder to ignore. I kind of feel if I'm not going to lose the ground I made in rehab i have to do the work in therapy, but you all are right - i'll have to do it really slow. Fortunately my T really respects me and never pushes me, if I say I don't feel comfortable.

--splitimage