Today's Session

I am slowly processing today's session. I go in there now with different eyes.
She drank her tea and kept taking out her supplements to take with her tea. Crinkling bags. She seemed to be listening to me anyway. I started off with a difficult situation with my 5 yo in kindergarten crying for me in the morning. Im having difficulty and it makes me cry. She said it triggers me (her crying for me) but didnt get into what it triggered. Like childhood feelings- we didnt go there.
Next we talked about the crazy lady who called the police at the deserted laundromat (my other post). She told me if I go to court and the policeman doesnt show up (that is what he said he would do- not show up in court)that it would get throw out- no questions to me whether I am guilty or not. So....that is what I will do.

I wanted to begin a conversation about wanting to take a break or that some things here arent working for me, but we went on to eating.

There was so much, but I was looking to see if it was surfacey "advice" type things. I have to say, what she said will be helpful in the short term- is it healthy for me to do this or that. My weight isnt healthy. She said to me it is TOO LATE to not be giving my daughters eating disorders. I was pissed. First of all, I look for all of this stuff with them, and I really hope they dont develop something later in life, but to me, for this stuff to first develop later in life is a much different thing than what I have- a disorder thats been there for as far back as I can remember. My daughters dont do any of this stuff. They DO NOT have this kind of relationship with eating and food. I argued a little with her. She talked to me about my daughters competing with me and said what if they get heavier than you, then it will be REAL competition. Is she for real? My girls are not in danger of becoming heavier than me! They are tiny and eat normally. And even still- she was talking to me about them competing with me for clothing etc. WTF? I said I dont see that at all. I talk to my teenage girls about this stuff all the time. The competition thing, weight thing, their eating and my eating. My t said they are OK for now b/c I talk to them. ????? So...they are OK now. She was also kind of rude about how much damage my ED is doing to my children. I said who is going to develop and eating disorder? She said ALL of my kids. WHAT???!!!!??? Is she trying to shock me into eating? Then she said it doesnt matter what we talk about with your kids, you have to eat for you. I said eating/not eating for anyone else has never worked for me. No matter how much I love them. We talked about specific things and times I should eat. The we talked about me feeling like I am "bad" and doing the wrong thing when I eat. I cant have food in my stomach etc...The we talked about my mother and the things she said to me about my body and food. Telling me if I ate "youre going to get so FAT!" and her ED. I wasnt really allowed to eat much b/c of my mother's fear that I'd get fat. Id sneak eat b/c I was hungry....etc. I always felt like eating was a bad thing to be doing. And I was bad for being hungry.
So...that was helpful, but I see how I change the subject real quick when we get close to feelings....and she did bring it back to the mother/food issue. Its one thing to talk about it, but very difficult to actually feel it and be there. I find it so hard to stay very long on the subject of my mother.

And that was 40 minutes.....I never got to talk about what I was going to talk about with my feelings about her. I got to alot today- but it was not deep stuff at all, difficult, but not deep. She said things I felt were judgemental- that Im not eating to look young (?????) and be attractive (?????) I didnt answer that stuff at all- it doesnt fit. I dont feel the need to look like my teenagers Im OK being mom. Jeeez...

Okay, I tried the quote thing and it didn't work.

Re: your T's comments about your children and their eating habits, what is she now, psychic? There is no way she can predict this. Moreover, your habits developed from trauma (what I recall of your past posts), which influenced you, not your children. The fact you are aware that their observations of you may influence their behavior means you already have a leg up on preventing any copycat behavior.

Re: competing for clothing - This absurd comment speaks for itself.

Bluemoon6, I'm glad you're pissed. I'm pissed for you. I do think you deserve a different T. To think you paid for that crap ... Okay, I'm off my soapbox. Sorry, but when I read this, sheesh. Good luck tomorrow with your new T interview. And if you start to feel like you're being disloyal, remember the meeting you had today.

Well, Bluemoon6, I can't comment on the accuracy of your therapist's thoughts about your children. But as someone who also struggles with an eating disorder I do know it is helpful to other aspects of my recovery to be eating enough to keep me physically well and mentally energetic. To say nothing of the obessive attention to food and weight being a huge distraction from deeper issues.

That said, if any therapist of mine ever spent time opening packages and crinkling plastic and taking supplements during a session, I would walk out right then and there and never return. Undivided attention is the least one can expect from any therapist!

Hi sweet,

I agree with all the others.......

One does not open packets of food/supplements.......whilst discussing an eating disorder. That is just wrong on so many levels.......

As for the other stuff about your children, well, well.......that is like my T saying that my son will have a personality disorder, PTSD, scizoeffective, phobias, agorophobia.......you get it

My T has always encouraged me to "normalise" my experience.......what I mean is, that my tauma is not my sons. And the more I deal with it in front of him, the more safe he feels.......he doesn't understand my history, but it has effected him to some degree I am sure......so safety is all he is concerned about. He knows I have my shrinks, I go to hospital if I need to etc. he TRUSTS me to make the best possible decision regarding my health......

You are doing everything you can to feel better.......and that is all your children need to see.......this T should be fostering your SELF-WORTH......not self-doubt......

Take good care babe.......you are too precious to be spoken to like that...

Big Hugs,

Michah

D&C- Yes- my habits did develop from trauma. I know that even if I cant connect it to anything specific. Food was/is my way of disappearing and feeling in control of something. Copying eating behavior? I think its a very superficail way to think of ED, IMO. My big girls dont seem to have the need to disappear into food. One of my boys is the only one who may eat too much, but he doesnt sneak eat. And he isnt heavy. He is just on the verge of adolescence!

I agree that the clothing/body competition remarks are absurd. I think she may actually believe this. It seems she doesnt understand what is going on in my house.
with an eating disorder I do know it is helpful to other aspects of my recovery to be eating enough to keep me physically well and mentally energetic. To say nothing of the obessive attention to food and weight being a huge distraction from deeper issues.

Thanks Ripley. We did cover a lot of ground about eating and I understand what she is talking about even if she can say the same thing in as many different ways as she can think of. Are you saying the attention to food/weight in therapy takes the attention away from deeper issues? We only briefly touched on the deeper mother issues. The way we talk about food and what I should eat doesnt translate into me being able to tolerate food in my stomach. And if I struggle and gain a few pounds and eat, I feel bad, stupid, as if I have done the wrong thing and want to go to my bed and pull the covers over my head and not get up. And then I will immediately lose it again anyway. If I woke up (as I said to my t) at 120 or 125 I would be OK with it. I just cant gain the 15 lbs to get there. I cant eat my way there. And I continue to lose b/c I am too afraid to eat. She cant help me, I think. She is very focused on the actual food I am eating and my weight being too low. Maybe the solution is another t and trauma work. Then maybe I will feel...whatever.....and be able to eat. I just dont know. I ate some dinner tonight tho.

Although your T leaves much to be desired, and I support you in finding a more suitable T for you, I don't think everything she says/does is terrible. You even said so in the above quote. Your T did not stop you from talking more about your deeper feelings, but YOU did. YOU changed the subject because it was painful. I think if you continued talking about your mother, your T would have let you. You have the power to take your session where you want it to go. It helps when T guides you, though.

You seem to know what you need. You need a T who will keep you focused on the real reasons for your ED and make you feel comfortable talking about them. Because of your T's style, and that BIG DESK separating you, it's not happening. It's of course also because your T wants to treat the problem as it is today, which is her orientation and not wrong for her.

I can imagine my T working on the present like that too. If I felt I needed someone to delve into childhood issues more, I would have had to find a new T also.

I have a feeling that your T doesn't even realize that her eating, drinking, putting on makeup, etc. affects your session negatively. I know you're not going to ask her, but I am really curious now. It could be that no one ever taught her that it was wrong, and no one complained to her directly. Like my T saying "my 11:30 is here." I think I was the first to bring that to her attention.

BlueMoon, I'm just trying to judge your T favorably, lol. I hope the sessions with the prospective Ts go well!

Hi Michah Its good to see you here You know, my t has said the exact same thing to me about "normalizing" things to my children. I guess it means that the more I am open and talk to them about experiences or how they experience me the more they will understand and not make up things in their heads aobut what is going on. Make it "normal" for them with explanations and allowing them to tell me how they feel.

She does foster my self-doubt to some degree. About my abiity to be a good mother, etc. But I was really questioning the things she said to me today.I cant predict what will happen to my kids, but it doesnt follow that they will develop this or that b/c I have it. They have a very different history than I do! And I know your son will understand his experiences of you b/c it has been normalized for him. And he feels safe.

Thanks, Michah- you are very sweet...and you are precious, too

Yes- I wanted to go deeper into the mother things, but I felt like I was blocked by fear. I couldnt go any further and I changed the subject back to my daughter. Then my t changed it back to food. My t wanted me to talk about the mother stuff. There was this point in the conversation where it couldnt have gone anyplace else and I felt like I didnt want to go there but I forced myself. Very briefly and superficially.

Yes- I need someone to work in a different way. She isnt all bad. She just is not understanding how I should do this work to get better. Or she doesnt know how to do it.

yes- I imagine your t would do the same- focus on now.

I have a feeling youre right. She cant imagine how all of these distractions feel. It makes me feel unimportant in the room. What did you say about her 11:30 (I remember your post at the time).

Yes LOL! Thank you, Rainbow. There are some pos things there, but some weird neg things too.

I guess I am very fortunate that I have the support of a clinic that deals only with eating disorders, that is totally separate from my one on one therapy. So I very seldom talk about my ED with my therapist, and we are free to get as deep as I choose to. I wonder if there is anything like that clinic where you are? It is also extremely helpful to have the support of the other patients at the clinic. It helps so much to just hear from people who struggle with the same body image issues and fears and also reduces my shame about the whole thing.

In the time between sessions, which can be where much of the actual work of therapy happens, it is helpful not to be caught in the cycle of thinking you are describing here. Your mind is freed up to contemplate other things. I really hope you check out places that deal specifically with eating disorders, because just talking about food, being nagged about it, or having someone trying to scare you into eating is not going to help. At the clinic I attend there is a very gradual but very focussed process of increasing the amount one eats. That makes it easier to learn to tolerate food.

Anyhow, I hope you manage to connect with some truly helpful people in these interviews.

This would be a good place to explore then. Working through all those things that felt so out of control..........

Ripley- Im sure there are ED clinics and recovery support groups here. My t actually discouraged me from those a while ago. She said I didnt need it and it would take up too much of my time where I need to be a good mom. I disagreed but didnt pursue it anyway. I feel like I need a food babysitter- little by little adding it in. At least until I feel more comfortable. Its great you dont have to waste therapy time on food stuff and do it all at a clinic. I am going to think about it and look around. At the clinic do you do support groups? Recovery groups? Individual?

Youre right- the way I am thinking is a very destructive cycle/game and I wont be any better thinking this way. Between sessions IS going to be where the actual work happens- with every bite/meal. And my therapy I can leave for deeper or more intense work as opposed to my t telling me to eat for this or that reason. I need daily help and sometimes moment by moment help if Im going to eat more. My t isnt going to provide that! And I wouldnt want her to.

And like Sannah said- I can then work through the other things that felt so out of control in session.

Thanks-

Oh. My. Gosh.

I don't even know what to say! I'm speechless.

Trying to find words....

I can not BELIEVE a T would discourage someone from pursuing something that might help them heal. Even if SHE doesn't think it's a good idea, she could say something like "why don't you try it for a month and then we can evaluate how it's working for you?". She is not some MAGICAL person who KNOWS what is right/wrong for you. She is just a T. YOU know what you need to heal. Ack. I'm so .

For ME, it's hard for me to be a good mom when I am obsessing about food, weak from not eating, etc. I hate how T uses "good mom" to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do. You are a good mom, moon. And it's obviously really important to you to be a good mom, and it feels like T uses that against you.

About your session...I think you were SO onto something with the feelings that were coming up around your mom/eating. I understand not wanting to go there with someone behind a big desk, and I hope you can find a new T where you can feel safe feeling those big feelings. It was a huge turning point for me when I could get to the childhood feelings around eating. After I was able to let myself go there, it was a lot easier to change my behaviors around food. Before I let myself really look at that stuff and feel those feelings, it was almost like I NEEDED to binge/purge/starve/COE - because I was working so hard to not feel, to punish myself, etc.

((((((((((((((((((((BlueMoon)))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope your T interview goes well today. It's time for you to find someone who will help you HEAL

Tree- I am very surprised too that she didnt want me to pursue the ED support. But, once again, I fugured someone else knows better than I do, so I didnt do it. She seemed to have thought I was doing too much therapy and I should go back and focus on my family. Not doing a real great job of that with all of these other issues.....she wants me to do what SHE wants me to do.

I want to work on my food issues as it relates to something deeper. I am terrified of the deeper stuff- but its where I have to go- slowly....very slowly. Like you, I have used food for so long to run from any feeling and to hurt myself.

OK- I'll go start a thread about today's appt........

I meant working through things that felt so out of control in your past/while growing up...........

No one knows what you need better than you. People can help you to look at this or that but you are the only person to make the final decision......Empowerment is a must for healing.......... I think that this is one of the most important things that a therapist can do, to help the client empower themselves. If this isn't a part of the therapist's plan...............?????

Everything at the clinic I attend is group based. Including eating one or more meals a week there. Very helpful to do that with support right there. All of the groups are facilitated by professionals.

Yes- maybe I worded it wrong- thats what I meant too. I get my words confused when I type.....

Thanks Sannah

You know, I had left a message for this t that i waited for her not knowing she wouldnt show up. And I couldnt come to see her fri at 12. She never called me back! Dont you think that is a little strange? She cancels 45 min before the appt, I show up and wait, I call her to tell her I got her msg (eventually) and she never calls back. YUCK!

This t is losing ground fast.......

I hope she is okay????