what do you do with an inner child who is basically an abuser?

so, i met one of my inner children awhile back and she even has the name of my sister. i know i can't fire her or send her to siberia which i'd love to do, lol. what do i do to get her to be quiet and stop harassing me? i have been so stressed out lately and i think maybe she is causing a lot of this stress with her perfectionistic schtick. i don't have therapy for 1 1/2 weeks so i could use some suggestions so my head doesn't spin off its axis.

It is unlikely that your inner child is an abuser. Maybe she is needing something or using destructive methods in order to get your attention. Give her time, let her draw or listen to music or write or whatever it is she needs to do to feel better. You could get her to write a letter to the therapist and share it with the therapist when she gets back.

Hugs to you ((((((((( bloom3 ))))))))))

Its a good question, how does one deal with these internal expereinces. First, awareness, you already have that because you're talking here about it. Part of the awareness goes for me something like : ' this is what's happening now, I cant force it to stop, but I can have faith that this too will pass, and just keep the witness present'.
I recenly had that going on, I prayed about it. Praying felt totally useless, a million miles from contact with my h. power. However, a short while after an inner warmth kicked in, I was on the mend. - ish.

hope this is some help, how DO YOU usually deal with this stuff?

really? i'm referring to verbal and emotional abuse and i seem to have internalized it quite well. when i met her in a t session it was rather shocking but we haven't really done anything with her since. i'd still like to send her to siberia.

yeah, i guess i need to think about this more. i think i have a ton of people pleasing behavior because she is trying to protect me from being shamed. i'm not sure yet what to do with that. she puts so much pressure on me though that it paralyzes me.

interesting ideas.

i think sending her to siberia is a great idea!! but, i also wonder what it would mean for you, (((bloom))), if you did not have your inner child with you. if she is your protector, then how would you cope then? i am wondering if something has come up recently that is making her act out moreso than usual? maybe you need to tell her, 'hey look here buddy - i'm taking looking after this issue, so i'd like you to quieten down and trust me this time. but thank you also for trying in the best way you know how'. and give her a hug. you deserve love, and she probably hasn't felt that unless she's been "perfect". she's allowed to be imperfect and still know people will not hurt her.

Maybe she is acting like this because of your rejecting feelings toward her. It's hard to feel unwanted and like your "other self" wants to get rid of you.

trying to understand--She puts pressure on you to be perfect, because if you are perfect you will not be shamed?

I would suggest talking to her in a welcoming and grateful way. Thank her for having protected you all these years. Tell her that now you don't need quite so much protection, that you are getting better and taking more risks. But also tell her you still need her, but to help with other things. And suggest something to her that you could really use help on. She sounds like a strong-minded part of you--give her a tough task. I think "protector" ego states really like to feel needed. If your need for their protection is ended, it can be scary to them. Will they cease to exist if their protection is no longer needed? Scary prospect. Give her something to do that is helpful to you.

thanks river. prayer does always help. when i was in this one 12-step meeting years ago we used to joke and call our higher power "HP" i think HP and i will have a chat tonight about this.

hmm...that is a good question. i think i usually try to jump thru the hoops pleasing the inner child but she's never satisfied. that causes me a TON of stress and i just can't do it anymore. or, on the flipside i just do nothing and let all the balls drop. i think i need to find a happy medium.

I have found it helpful when my therapist suggested that instead of seeing that part of me as me, or even as my abuser, to see it as a part of me that is trying very hard to protect me by acting as the abuser. Does that make any sense? For example, I criticize myself mercilessly; instead of seeing it as self-abuse per se, I try to see how that voice--while hurtful and negative--is trying valiantly to keep me from making a mistake and being in a dangerous situation. Anyway, it was a useful approach for me!

I'm interested in how you met her in therapy? Did your T do something to evoke her? I first acknowledge my inner child late one night after a difficult therapy session. I've since acknowleged other inner "people" or ego states. I mainly tap into them via drawing. I don't particularly care for these often childish states. However, I have not been successful separating from them. I've recently taken the approach of just trying to find out what they are feeling.

i was really stressing one day and my t said she wanted to talk to the part of me that was stressing me out. she said the technique she used is called voice-dialog work. she started asking her questions like her name, what she wanted, etc. it was quite weird. i heard the answers and answered for my inner child. when i heard answers that i would have never come up with myself i knew i wasn't making this stuff up. then one time a month or two later i had an internal vision that i think was her right after i was trying to talk to some other inner children. weird!!

i need to read more in the book i got, but i think the reason we can't get rid of them is because they are actually parts of our brain. i think it's sort of like a certain part of our brain gets activated when a particular inner child is active. short of a lobotomy i think we're stuck with them. but we can retrain them to do other things.

Interesting. Sometimes when I am in therapy I can "hear" certain answers but I rarely say them unless they are something I am comfortable with. Often though the answers and feelings of my inner child are not available to me during my session, they surface after my sessions. My response to my inner child has change dramatically over the past 1-11/2 years. Before I would hear her, immedately change the channel, and there was no way in heck I would have told me T what she was saying. Now, I tend to listen and explore what she is saying via drawing or journaling, and eventually present things in therapy. We've both acknowledged that I have at least one inner child and my T will sometimes refer to her as "that child" when explaining something. My T has never attempted to communicate directly with one of my ego states, at least verbally during the session. I think we each have our own ways of dealing with these fragments. Mine has been very slow, but maybe that is the way I need it to be.

Sorry, I am alway very interested in the ego states/inner child discussions.

me too! no need to apologize. i find the subject fascinating and enjoy hearing how you experience and even draw yours. i can tellyou're a talented artist from the pics you've posted.

Very interesting topic! I, too, experienced a strogn desire to get rid of my "child self" because it made my life miserable (or so I thought). I can't send it to Siberia because, well, I am from Siberia so I was thinking Honduras or something :-) It took me about 2.5 years of therapy to get to know that part of me and to make it feel safe enough to come out and communicate.

There is a great article about trauma and "ego states" that "self" splits into as a result of trauma nacronline.com/misc-articles/recovery-from-childhood-abuse The child self is container for the trauma aftermath (fear, shame. despair) so it's only natual that after many years of abamdonment this part of us is not cooperative and hard to deal with. Just like a regular child who is having a very hard life and feels no love or support from others. We have to be patient and we have to hear that part's story in order to heal. That article describes in detail all the steps that need to be taken in order to integrate that part of us.

The only problem with that article is that it suggests Christian approach as a main instrument of healing which might not be a a preferred method for everybody.

I am confused... is this "inner child" an alter?

Hi Bloom!

Do you have any experience with being treated like this as a child???

It sounds like she is in control. Children shouldn't be in control. Listen to them but the adult needs to be in control (and this is very comforting for a child to know that they aren't in control, an adult is).

If you could work on this people pleasing behavior that would give you some relief.

lol! you totally made me laugh here. honduras it is then. i imagine the food will be good there.

thanks, i'll take a look at it when i get some time. funny, i had something happen today and i was really stressing and feeling hypervigilant and i think i was able to deal with that inner child and maybe even integrate it. i'm still so new at all this inner children/ego states thing, but i find it to be a very insightful and effective way to understand and deal with my internal conflicts.

ellexa, it's interesting you mention integration as i asked my t about that because i got the impression that that is more the older approach and now the focus seems to be more on harmonizing the ego states/parts/children. she said the focus has shifted now to having the parts cooperate or harmonize rather than integrate. i have to admit i think i like the idea of integration and have previously experienced a little of that.

hi manda. i don't have alters or DID but i do have inner children. from what i've read it's all on a continuum where with inner children they aren't as strong to be separate alters.

deli, you crack me up. yes, i'm stressing about school that i've recently started so my inner "sister" is harassing me. you and sunny have given me great things to say to her.

i think she is harassing me because of her wanting me to be perfect so i don't get shamed if i'm not perfect. i guess i have to be a bit more accepting of her though.

thanks sunny! this is so very helpful. it sounds as if you have really learned how to do this sort of work.

What if the inner child is a memory. We don't really understand how memories work..but from our own experience we know they are not linear. We can access a memory and almost 'be there', as if turning back time.

As a child, in an abusive or traumatic situation, there is a memory of strong and unresolved feelings. In a way, talking to the person in that memory, since the memory was formed as a child is 'like' talking to a different person. By doing that and acknowledging the feelings from that memory, is like editing our own life story. We can heal our memories by giving that child in our mind what we really needed and never got.

Bloom3, try to think about what you were trying to do by acting out as a child? I'd bet you were trying to protect yourself in the best way that you knew how. Sunrise suggested thanking the child, and giving her positive attention. By doing that you would be offering some understanding and resolution, and taking back power over that memory.

It can be hard to think of yourself with kindness, when you want to send part of yourself to siberia But just think of what story might unfold if you start to edit it yourself. We can't take out the painful parts, but we can add in some beauty to balance it all.

ellexa, i just wanted to say that i am finding this article recovery from childhood trauma really helpful. thanks so much for posting it! i like how it speaks about and describes a wounded child self, a judgmental self, and a compassionate/observing self. then, it goes on to say:

i'm still reading the sections on how we do all this which is a more circular than linear process.

fyi: the first half of the article where she describes the 3 selves doesn't talk about God so that might be helpful to those who don't feel comfortable with the spiritual stuff.

Bloom3, I'm reading this article over and over again because so far it's the best description of what happens due to experienceing trauma that I could find. It also offers some plan on how to deal with it and where to go with it. I can relate to what the author is talking about, especially about identifying more with Judgemental self rather than with Wounded self.

It was very helpful to me so I'm very glad to share it with others.