OCPD, Austin-T & me: the exams saga continues (mega long rant)

i'm sorry i keep starting threads and not going back to respond. there's too much going on right now that i'm stuck in avoidance mode. so here's a new situation instead .

so:
- i have 2 exams until i finish my degree and go on to honours.
- i only need a pass (an absolute bare 50) in both of these subjects to be guaranteed a spot in honours & finish this pass degree.
- i would have to actively sabotage my exam attempt (purposely choose incorrect answers) in order to fail.
- the first exam is in 11hrs. that's 11hrs i could revise and possibly move my grade from a 'pass' to a 'credit', if not a distinction.
- i've been working for 7 years towards these final 2 days, and i will hate myself if i have to repeat next year.

AND YET: the perfectionism thing is killing me. i've already decided now i'm not going to go. at this absolute core level of who i am, i believe it's better for me to go 'well' in 1 exam (and absent fail the other) than to get mediocre marks in both. so i'm going to skip the exam that's scheduled for 1pm today, and instead work through and study for the second exam. this will no doubt lead to a summer long depression of self hatred & shame as the prospect of spending yet another year repeating a subject sinks in. but somehow even that would be worth the feeling of going in to the 2nd exam feeling better prepared.

i feel stuck. rational deli knows this is stupid, but core-deli will not cope if she doesn't go well. she still obsesses about some stupid assessment she did about 3 years ago (in which she got a 96 as her final grade) because she wants to figure that final 4-mark problem out. it's not just a vague "oh, i wonder how to fix it", it gets obsessive to the point where i need to self harm to make myself stop thinking about it. thankfully there have been many other unresolved problems since, so now at least i have a variety to obsess/ponder over.

funnily enough, the subject i will attempt is abnormal psychology. and, oh look, the last lecture is completely on OCPD. Austin-T told me in our first session that he had it. we kind of refer to my problems as "obsessive-compulsive", but he doesn't think it's a personality thing just yet. i've never actually bothered to read up on OCPD properly before, but now that i have i'm like that's me.

maybe i have the last one too, lol. but i'm too stubborn to admit to it (austin-T and i talked about my stubbornness just recently, and i was like "go away").

i don't really care if i actually have the diagnosis or not, but i guess having those criterion set out there helps me see where to improve. not that i really want to improve, though. i dont want to give up the perfectionism thing.

i probably have made some improvements. i have tried to go out more and see my friends (there used to be a point where i wouldn't socialise with anyone outside of uni or work hours, because i needed to study). i can sometimes write my lecture notes messy now and not go home and rewrite them. i even handed in an essay this semester that only addressed one particular theory (we were encouraged to discuss two theories for good marks), but i ran out of time and Austin-T challenged me to hand it in anyway. i got 98% for that and still topped the grade. i feel like shooting myself because of all the effort i put in to researching the 2nd theory, which i didnt end up using.

***mega mega sui trigger - but please note i'm not actually intending to do anything, ok?***
i get suicidal about this stuff, but that's also where the joke lies. i'm too much of a perfectionist to actually go through and attempt - too preoccupied with what will go wrong. i have lists of exactly what i need to do and a timeline in which to do it. right down to the point of: catch the 11.03am bus to x stop, wear this particular outfit, carry this amount of money in your wallet etc. heck, i even schedule a "run through" session the week prior (if i intend to attempt on a tuesday, i'll run through everything on the tuesday prior), so i can make sure everything will work as i've planned (obviously without the lethal end bit ). the "closest" i've ever come to an attempt (hah) was in april this year when i actually did go through with my run through plan. right at the end though something had changed, and it just through my whole plan out of whack & i was too distressed to figure out a solution (assess if this presented a potential risk to completion & how to accomodate it), and so i threw the whole plan away. of course i have a simpler, less risk-prone plan now. if i just had the tiniest amount of impulsivity i could go through with it right now, but no - there's a whole bloody list of things i have to do first, in a proper order, in a particular way etc.
the protective irony of my perfectionism isn't lost on me here.
***end fun filled triggers!!***

i dont know what to do. i sent Austin-T a txt on monday telling him i wanted to give up, and he replied to try and keep my expectations realistic. eh? screw realistic, i want perfect, so i didnt reply. he sent me another txt an hour later saying maybe i could try one exam. an hour later - "the easier exam". so i said maybe i could do that. but it's almost 3am now, and the exam is ~30hrs away, and i suppose i have to sleep/eat/shower at some point, and i'm starting to panic that i can't even do that. and i'm scared to tell austin-T, or to tell pdoc, because they're going to get angry at me. already i'm going to have to face my parents cracking the shits tomorrow when i dont go to the first exam, i cant deal with more ppl being displeased.

oh, the hardships that i face .

Don't sabotage yourself. Take both exams. Force yourself to walk in the door and sit down and take that test. Why do you want to sabotage yourself? Don't do that to yourself.

Do the exams.
If it's too late, see if you can get a doctor's note or something for a 'medical emergency' for why you missed it yesterday and go plead your case for a redo.

(Deli)
You've worked entirely too hard to not want to finish. Go ahead and take the 2 exams so you can move on to bigger and better things such as "honors".

Deli-
Please take the exams. Do you really want to have to re take the class that you don't take the exam for? You have worked so hard to get where you are. I'm sure you have studied enough to pass both of those exams. At my undergrad institution we had a saying during finals period that "done is better than good". It meant that we all knew there was so much we needed to do and we could always put more energy into each individual piece of work, but we had to balance our time so that everything got the time it needed. Eventually we had to turn in projects/papers/tests even if we knew they were not the best because it was time to move on to another subject. I'm sure you would pass both of these tests, so go take them and get them behind you. Look ahead to honors. Think of it as a challenge to conquer both tests. That being able to take them is the accomplishment. Good Luck.

I don't know much about OCPD but isn't there any way rational deli can go to the exam? Core deli can have her meltdown after if she needs to but why does she have to win out and sabotage rational deli? It doesn't really seem fair to her. Besides how do you know that core deli won't cope - aren't you doing her quite an injustice by saying all these things? I know you said you feel stuck but you also said you have made a decision not to go to the exams so which one is it? Maybe it is me not understanding the situation properly but i'm confused. I dunno i'm learning that sometimes we can feel stuck in a place but have to make different choices to get out of it....or we can just repeat the whole senario over and over again and stay stuck. It is hard, i repeat the same behaviour over and over again because it is 'easier' to do so too.
I may be completely wrong here, afterall i don't know a thing about OCPD but do you think by not going you are unconsciously rewarding yourself? I'm probably way off the mark but I know when i look closer at the destructive things i do i generally tend to get something positive out of it - yep even with SH...you said you SH in order to stop thinking about everything, it may be damaging but what you got from it was a positive thing (in your eyes). I dunno, i'm probably completely off the mark. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I say or anyone else on here says or your therapist because we're not living your life and it is your decision to make.

ps - do you laugh about suicidal plans in real life? Sometimes i know we laugh out of embarrassment and shame, or sometimes i get scared and so i laugh but i really just want people to hear that i'm serious. I think your plans are very serious and i don't think you need to laugh about them on here. Just because you aren't going to go through with it doesn't mean it isn't important and serious.

Sorry if i've offended you in anyway during this post, i totally didn't mean to if i have. It is quite hard to get the tone of posts sometimes and i'm not sure if you are looking for advice or understanding or agreement. Plus i get really confused sometimes.

(((deli)))

I'm with the others...take BOTH exams.

You've already laid it out...if you don't take both exams you will spend the summer depressed. That is *hardly* perfect. I really do understand the desire to do things well, but you are not in a situation where 'being perfect' is possible.

From what I see you have two choices:
A. Take both exams, pass, with neither exam having a perfect score. Summer of coming to terms with a new phase in your life.

B. Take one exam, without having a perfect score on that one. Summer of being depressed.

There is no option C -- that allows you to have a 'perfect' result.
Choose the option that has the 'better' result.

Good luck. Try to believe in yourself!

yes, this is the perfectionist's mantra! repeat it and take both your tests deli! maybe you can make your perfectionism work for you here and rather than worrying about missing any questions on the test you can make completely the tests your goal instead.

Sounds like that is what you are doing by not taking the exam.

Deli, go take both exams. Even if you get below 100, you will know inside that you could have done better and gotten closer to a perfect score if you had studied more. Maybe that knowledge will be consolation for not getting 100. You will know that the score you get is not you, Deli. It is just a number. There is big reward for getting at least 50 on both of them. Go take both tests, Deli.

Call them now, especially Austin T. Don't text. Ask Austin T for a phone pep talk. You need some firm support now. If this isn't an instance to call one's therapist, what is?

quick update, because i'm exhausted (will respond to ppl later):
just got home, saw austin-T. i have never cried so much in front of someone in my life. he did his usual "session ending" routine, and even then i couldn't stop crying, so the session went on for another 20mins. if i wasnt so exhausted right now, i'd be embarrassed.

austin-t said to go home and sleep. he tried to give me this session as a freebie but i said i'd gone to the bank especially, so he took the whole payment and then gave me $50 back. he wants me to go to sleep, then wake up later and go find some dinner outside of the house. then to come back home and sleep again.

he said if i want to go to tomorrow's exam then he's happy for me to do so, but otherwise it's ok also. he wants me to call him on friday and he said we'll catch up then too, and that he'll do the session half price again so he knows i'm eating dinner then too.

so i'm going to go to sleep now, and i will say what happened properly later.

Deli, take it from a perfectionist when it comes to matters intellectual: Perfection is a myth. A perfect score on an exam only means you knew everything that was asked to the extent needed for that ONE exam. What about all the other stuff in the subject area? Do you think people with perfect exam scores are really "perfect" in knowing the whole subject?

There is no such thing as "the best" in anything. There are flavors; the world is not wholly objective intellectually. There are no UNIVERSAL tests to determine who's best out in the “real world.” In a uni, sure someone can score higher but that says little about how the outside world operates.

Who was the greater scientist/genius--Newton or Einstein?
Who's the best philosopher--Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hegel, Locke, Descartes..? Each has their adherents. Are any of them perfect?
Who's the best novelist Steinbeck or Hemingway or Faulkner or John Grisham?
Who's the best composer? Mozart, Beethoven...
Who's the best songwriting duo: Rodgers and Hammerstein, Lieber and Stoller, Lennon and McCartney, Jagger and Richards?
Who's the best poet? The best painter? The best Impressionist even?

Not getting 100 on a uni exam doesn’t mean you're the bad, flawed person that you sometimes think you are and that you fear others think, too.

I used to go into teaching assistant's or professor’s offices and ask them to explain why I got an A on papers or exams! Not to grub for extra points but out of perfectionism to know how I could have done even better--many times I'd have gotten the highest score in the class. How's that for perfectionism?

Here's advice I was given about getting through a PhD program that I think you should apply, conceptually, to your own circumstances.

1. They require so much reading each week (1000-2000 pages per class means about 3000 to 8000 pages/week in total) that you can't read it all, so you have to be able to pick and choose what to focus on and where--if--to skim. Giving up the idea that you can be the most expert on every idea and word. You might miss some stuff at the time, but you can pick it up later.

2. Don't waste your time focusing on grades, i.e. do just enough to pass. About the only thing that matters as far as getting a big-time academic job is the quality of your dissertation. Write a great diss, and no one cares if you got low grades when it comes to deciding to hire you or not.

3. Just barely pass your field exams (those monster exams that cover everything in a field). No one cares enough when it comes to hiring--the diss. dwarfs all else.

Motto: Abandon the need to be the best, to be perfect, to excel at everything. Don't waste time on stuff that isn't really important. Just get by on a lot of it and kick-a on what does really matter. And your two exams only matter that you just barely pass.

What you need to do: Focus on what matters--finishing and getting to your honours work. Get your 50 and be done with it. The day after you get out of that current degree, you won't care whether you got 50 or 100. How concerned were you with your high school grades once you got to college? Hopefully NOT AT ALL.

Bare down, get it done, bite the bullet of not getting an exceptional score. You probably will do very well no matter how much time you put into it, knowing you. Don’t skip the exam. Don’t you deep down know that you get your 50 or whatever just by walking in without ANY additional work? Did you really get to the end of a course without learning anything that you need to learn it all in one big rush at the end?

Take the test.

ok. proper post-sleep update . replies in this post, austin-t session in next.

i appreciate everyone telling me to take the exams. i know you all want what's best for me. but it's like... i just can't, yknow? i dont know to explain it, because i know it's not rational. part of it is fear, for sure, but there's this other part that feels like... i'd be breaking out of my skin... it's just not me. i dont know. it's distress to the highest degree. i dont know how to cope with it.

impy - i get what you're saying, but it's not about being "the best". not in that competitive, or comparative way. it's more this idea that i need to be my best. i need to reach my potential. there have been subjects where i have received a mark of 70 and been ecstatic, because i know i could not possibly have gone better. and, like you, i commonly ask for explanations on why I'm getting As. a part of me is thinking nothing i've ever written is "good enough" for an A, and then the other part is wondernig how to make it a "better" A. yknow, i do still get upset about my high school marks. pdoc keeps telling me that i tried my best under the circumstances, and it helps. but i do go back to feeling like it wasn't good enough. for what, i dont know.

abby - thank you for your whole post. i dont think you sound confused, i think you sound like the sort of person i need to talk to more often . i need to start looking at it in this way - letting rational deli get her way sometimes too. she almost always loses out. and yes, you're right - i AM rewarding myself - i'm avoiding my fear of failure (in whatever way i define it). better to be in control of failing (by not trying) than to try and still fail, right?

re: suicide plans. i have a black sense of humour (when it comes to myself) - it's a way of coping, i guess. and also i try to keep things "light" here on PC, because i don't think it's fair to be serious when the ppl here are so limited in terms of the support they can offer (just because it's an online medium - not because ppl here aren't capable!). and i dont want ppl to worry about me.
in "real life"... the only ppl i really tell are pdoc or my therapist. and even then i tend to downplay it, although i do try to be more serious. e.g., so i will say i'm having "thoughts", but i wont say that i'm having "plans". i feel guilty for making ppl worry. i dont think it's fair.

austin-T session update.

i'm feeling really mixed about how it went.

he sent me a txt saying good luck, and i had just been about to call him, so i replied instead and mentioned sui thoughts. he said he could see me at 4pm.

i have this big problem when i'm in sui thoughts territory about worrying if i am even worth someone else's time. i just feel like a nothing, or worse than nothing (i harm other ppl merely by my presence?) so it's this constant pull of whether it's ok to take up an appt or not. i told austin-t all of this and he just said to let him know at 3pm whether i wanted to or not.

well, obviously i went. he asked me what was happening and i told him about sui thoughts. he told me he never tries to talk someone out of suicide and then changed the subject.

we did talk about a lot of stuff that needs speaking about. but i guess those 2 things really bother me. he's asked me to call him on friday, and i will, so i guess i will be ok until then. but just... feeling like i'm too worthless to live, and then having your therapist say he never talks ppl out of suicide... i dont know what to make of it. his policy has me curious (intellectually) and also feeling mega rejected on a more immediate level. but then i think he did talk to me about other stuff and tried to help. and he did try to give me the session pro bono. and he did tell me that he only works with ppl he thinks has potential and that he's rejected other clients who he thinks aren't worth his while. but that just says i have potential, not that i'm a worthwhile person right now.

i dont know. we talked a lot about my mum and my sisters and my dad and how they've been interacting with me over the past week. he wants me to move out based on that alone . he said it doesnt matter if i finish my degree now or not, he just wants me to move out. i feel sad because i havent told him about the "bigger" stuff. a bit of silent treatment here and there is ok, i thought. like, obviously it's messing me up, but i didnt think it was something worth moving out over.

he did help me about my friends. i think that's why the big sui thoughts started. i cant keep facing them each time i havent done an exam. he said just to send them a txt saying i didnt finish and i dont want to talk about it. 2 of them have already replied and one is meeting me for dinner tomorrow. i think that's so nice. i keep worrying they will reject me because i keep ****ing up.

i am meant to see my boss on friday. i dont know what to say to her, though. i dont really want to go and i dont know if i can anyway if i'm meant to see austin-t then instead. i stopped working there in april because i was too ill (depressed, not moving etc) and i was going to return next week over summer. she loves me so much, and she's been so good to me to let me just drop work like that. i dont want her to know i've ****ed up again. i want to be reliable for her. so i dont know what to do.

i also havent told pdoc, but im not so worried about that. given that he doesnt really care if i go to our appts or not, i probably dont have to let him know.

Deli, there's an old military saying directed at soldiers: I can't means I won't. Often it's true. Have you studied DBT? Are you familair with its Acting Opposite to Emotion concept and prescription? No doubt you absolutely don't want to take the test at the most primitive emotional level, but we all do things sometimes that we're very averse to.

Maybe taking the test would mean you're situated to move on and you don't want to, to play an armchair T.

Oh, Deli it hurts to read this kind of thing from you, esp. how difficult things are for you right now. So much on your shoulders right now, but:

Absolute massive cognitive distortion. Pdoc does care. Read your posts this past year and look at how many times you've mentioned how great prdoc was to you in some certain instance. And look at how many times you wrote something like "I thought pdoc "X," but then I asked him about it, and it wasn't that he didn't "X." What he thought/meant/wanted/tried to do was "Y" and I'm really happy to know that that's what was going on and that he does care."

Do you understand why being perfect is so important to you?

deli - major hugs to you right now!!!!


Sorry you are having such a difficult time!