[Dani]

I went to my appt today with my T and I don't know what happened to me but I couldn't hardly speak the entire session. She mainly talked and went over some handouts she had given me, and that was pretty much it. I wanted to speak but I couldn't and felt so miserable because I couldn't express what I was feeling. I was disappointed that she didn't get out the paper and pen for me to write down what I was feeling, but then again it's probably my fault because I didn't say anything and she probably didn't know I needed to. I scheduled an appt in two weeks, but after I got home I called and canceled. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. This is a really really bad time of year for me and I feel like I'm falling apart and need to have a session where I can just cry it all out. I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants a break from therapy because I think if I ignore everything and don't talk about it, it will all just go away. But the rational part of me knows that won't happen. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't get out. I wish I could talk to my T about this but I don't know how.

[ECHOES]

Dani,
It is okay to not be able to talk. It takes time. It is tempting to call it too hard and avoid it, but then that doesn't feel so good either.
What about calling back and ask to reschedule and at the same time see if you can talk to T to tell her what you wrote here?

It is so hard when we want to, but won't let ourselves. Can you let yourself this once?

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((( dani ))))))))))) sweetie, I am sorry. but ya know, you can't have a session to cry it all out, if you cancel yr session. When this time of the year gets hard for you, a kind and sympathetic person to talk to (or just to be with) is a precioius thing. hugs to you

[ECHOES]

(or just to be with)

sawe put this in parenthases, but it is really very important. I have had many sessions where just sitting with T was comforting, trust-building, relieving.
Good point, sawe

[Thimble]

Dani - I understand completely and know how much it hurts when you just can't get anything out. Please don't give up. I was going to give up again but the people on PC convinced me it was ok to still go to therapy even if I couldn't talk. They said it was ok to go just to be there with the t and have his/her support, even if I had no words. They urged me to call the t - and I did - and he said the same - that sometimes people just go to feel safe from the world for the hour, and that that is ok. So I am going to go back and try it. I still can't talk, but I want to feel safe. And maybe when I do, at some point the words will finally come. I hope you can call, and go back and try again too.

Originally Posted by Dani

I feel like I'm stuck and I can't get out. I wish I could talk to my T about this but I don't know how.

(((((((((((((Dani))))))))))))))

This is kind of how I spent my summer with T. Sometimes I knew what I needed, but I couldn't open my mouth to SAY it, so I couldn't get my needs met. It felt horrible.

I wonder if instead of canceling, you could call T back and leave a message saying "I need to come in my session and to be able to write the things I need to tell you" or even "I need to come to my session and just be allowed to be, and to cry if I need to". That's partly how I finally broke free of that place I was in this summer. I left a message for T and told him what I needed...because I was in so much pain that I would just freeze up whenever I walked through his door. Somehow, it was easier on a message.

People call and cancel and reschedule all the time. This IS a hard season. Can you give yourself gentle care by letting yourself go to your next session with T?? The other way I got out of the place I was in this summer was by just showing up, over and over and over and over again. And we made it to the other side, to a place of trust and closeness and to a place where I found my voice again. But only because I gave myself a chance to get to that place by going back over and over again, even when it just sucked.

I hope you will give yourself that chance

Gentle to you.

[Dani]

Thanks for all your responses. I considered calling back today and asking the receptionist to put me back on the schedule, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Part of me feels like I waste my T's time and I feel guilty about it. Maybe I'll give myself a few more days and then call to schedule for next week.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(or just to be with) sawe put this in parenthases, but it is really very important. I have had many sessions where just sitting with T was comforting, trust-building, relieving.
Good point, sawe

that's just why I put it in parentheses - because Dani might not go if talking was required; but it isn't. Showing up is the main thing what happens after that, happens.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Dani

Thanks for all your responses. I considered calling back today and asking the receptionist to put me back on the schedule, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Part of me feels like I waste my T's time and I feel guilty about it. Maybe I'll give myself a few more days and then call to schedule for next week.

I can relate to this feeling...like you're wasting T's time. But then I think to myself that he's getting paid regardless.

I believe that it can take as much time as you need in order to build up to talking. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I have read here that people need to feel safe enough and fully trusting. Well, that is not easy to do. Not at all. And then, be able to build the courage to discuss such deep rooted issues. Again, SO HARD TO DO.

I've been seeing my T for almost a year and am not at that point. Yes, I do talk about certain things...but I have not even come close to dealing with some of the hard issues.

[hazydazy]

Originally Posted by Dani

Part of me feels like I waste my T's time and I feel guilty about it. Maybe I'll give myself a few more days and then call to schedule for next week.

Hi Ja & Hugs to you Dani.

Just remember sweetie, ya are not wasting T's time and let us know what ya do.

Hugs to all
HazyDazy

[Dani]

I had a really hard time last night and decided to call today because I really need someone to talk to, but they're closed because of the weather.

[zooropa]

((((((Dani))))))
I can relate to everything you're saying, the needing to talk, and not being able to, the feeling like you're wasting T's time, the wanting and needing to be there w/T but being afraid, all of that.
I'm glad you decided to call back to reschedule, and SO SORRY they were closed for the weather! DOH! Please call back again today, hopefully they will be open again by now?
Meanwhile, keep coming here and talking, we really do understand. We will walk through this with you.

[Dani]

Thanks for listening and understanding. I called today and made an appt for Wednesday.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm so glad that you made the appointment. I can relate to feeling like I'm wasting my T's time...and sometimes feel as though I am disappointing him by not being able to talk about certain things.

I made it a point to address that exact thing, feeling like I'm disappointing him due to my resistance. He had a lot to say about resistance...but what struck me the most is that when he notices resistance, his first thought is, "What is being protected?"....

It's all part of the process. It takes time and is so hard. I still have a long way to go as well....

[BlueMoon6]

Hi Dani- You got some really good responses here. I'll add that Im glad you took the risk and called. I hope you can go in sooner, maybe even schedule for this coming up week? I have found it helpful when the words dont come to read T something. Maybe print your post out and read it to her. I have found that if I write it out, all of it, whatever I want to her to know, its there in the letter and when I go in, the pressure is off of me to find the words on the spot if I have it all written out. Even if you begin with asking her to please help you find the words. T might even be able to tell if you are editing as you speak, so she might pick up on subtle fears you might have about her knowing certain things you have written. I remember my previous T asking me, why did you edit as you read?

Our Ts are professionals, they know we are there for their help

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Even if you begin with asking her to please help you find the words.

thank you so much for this, blue! I know I've said in other threads how I have trouble talking in my sessions sometimes, especially now that we are doing trauma work. I am going to do exactly what you said, just ask my T to help me find the words. It seems so simple but I never thought of asking her that way. thank you!