What's with the anger?

My H lashes out in anger whenever he feels he's lost control of a situation, whenever he feels hurt or whenever he feels incompetent. Those other feelings are too uncomfortable for him to deal with so he responds with anger to keep the more difficult emotions at a distance.
I called him out on it once recently and he was suddenly very quiet, which I found very revealing.

Are those the feelings that you're picking up from him, that he tells you about afterwards, or some combination of the two?

After years, I've figured it out. I see things much more clearly now. I'm seeing things everywhere now. Therapy unlocked the insightful part of my brain that had been snoozing for my entire life.

Sorry, Blue. Off topic here.

This thread has gotten me thinking about my own anger and what purpose it serves. ...A couple weeks ago I lost my temper with H, and it is still haunting me because it seemed almost beyond my control. One moment I was fine, and the next I was overwhelmed with anger. I was able to calm down, but that anger stayed with me for days.

I sometimes personify my emotions to consider what purpose they might have, but I had never before considered what Anger might look like. I see a strong woman in a red almost flame-like dress, with a staff, standing firmly, like she is saying 'you shall not pass'. (Forgive the lord of the rings reference )

I got mad at H because I felt he was saying my feelings were stupid/How I felt was unimportant. That anger was 'protecting' my own image of myself as a lovable person.

Then, Brightheart's comment about her husband "H lashes out in anger whenever he feels he's lost control of a situation, whenever he feels hurt or whenever he feels incompetent." Brightheart's H is *also* using anger to protect his image of being a lovable person.

And, BlueMoon's solution to bath time -- a brilliant solution that met her daughter's needs to feel lovable and worthy.

Anger does give us energy and the ability to act, but in thinking about it, anger also serves as a protector of our own worth. What if the next time someone gets angry with us, we tell them 'I love you and think you are an amazing person.'...I wonder how quickly that anger might go away if we responded with acceptance.

If I can remain present enough, I will try to do that for myself the next time I get angry. Thank you for posting, it is helping me to find another bit of acceptance for my own anger. (Forgive the ramble, but I wanted to share how my thought process was influenced by your words.)

Thanks, Spotted Owl- I wish I could have gone right to the compassionate response to her instead of allowing myself to act on the (childhood) anger I felt. I am thinking it will be better with practice. SHe did then take a bath later, its as if on some level, even though she is 5, she appreciates being respected for not wanting to take a bath at that moment as opposed to being forced.

I think you are right! I did not consciously realize it, but I had enough respect for myself to know I didnt want/shouldnt be treated that way. There is a spark of self-love and self-preservation in the anger.

I am still wondering whether the anger is anger itself, or a safer emotion (as the examples with our spouses) than fear or hurt. FOr sure, I do anger easier than hurt or fear when in the situation, but, I wonder if anger itself is not just the primary emotion sometimes.

It is very interesting that you personify your emotions. I lke the angry, strong woman. I can lose my temper in the same way as you, with my kids or with H. When I am triggered suddenly it is VERY difficult for me to not lose it. And I agree with what you said about protecting your self-worth. That is another interpretation that fits. I get angry when my H is tellling me what to do (once too many times). "Hey, Im smart! You dont have to tell me what to do! I KNOW IT ALL!" And when my H tells me "not to feel" that way, it is triggering.

The issue is, what do I do instead when triggered. I can get triggered all day long. WIth my kids, Im trying hard to stay grounded and stay an adult. It is VERY difficult, but today was good. I got impatient once, but not an anger thing.

And, Spotted, I think when my H gets angry and I tell him, "I love you and I think you are an amazing person" that would DEFINITELY diffuse it. He'd look at me like I was nuts.....or up to something.....

Brightheart, it is very brave of you to call your H on his feelings. I often wonder if I should do that with my H. I usually choose not to. Maybe b/c I dont want to start an argument, or because he may be so far from realizing what I amy see as his motivation. AND I could be wrong, anyway.

This is exactly what will happen, I think. When we're not used to feeling anger and we let it in a crack in the door, it has a tendency to rip the door from the hinges at first! But in time you will be able to open and shut the door when you want.

For me, I find the anger often is rooted in the irritability aspect of my ptsd. A lot of times I'll be fine until at some point in the day I get triggered, and then I am more raw--sensitive and irritable. If a couple of more things pile onto me--BAM, I am furious. It feels less out of control than it once was, though.

You are so clearly a caring mom, please know that this will even out. Also that what feels like monstrous scary anger may not be so to people outside of us. I find when I feel like I roared like a lion, other people think I was a meowing cat. Small comfort, for how awful it feels!

This is really good. Thank you for saying this. It is so true for me. I get triggered and the door flies off the hinges. We tallked a lot aobut this in my session today.

yup. Thats what happens. There is just so many triggers I can take in a day and so much energy I can use trying to stay an adult. Though I have to say, with practice, it does take less energy than it used to.

Thanks, Spotted. I focused so much on in my session today about the differences between my mother using her passive agression against me and my children with attention getting behaviors. It FEELS similar and triggers me, but it is NOT the same. Like saying no to a bath and looking for my reaction. How to give more positive attention and one on one time to my 5 yo even if she wants to play Wii with my 9 yo son. She needs me instead wii! And feels it at bedtime.

And its so funny, my kids and H Do experience my anger differently than I do. I dont think I am meowing....but hmmmm.....

Moon, how about you just being angry because as a child you were disrespected, controlled, and invalidated. This would make anyone angry and being angry would be a healthy response.

It is interesting how you get triggered with your children. Do you think that it is this "control" issue with them that is triggering?

I like the way you handled the bath situation too. We all have to learn as parents. It took me a few years to figure out that outwardly controlling the situation wasn't going to work so easily (and as parents we do have to control certain things but not to the extreme!). Now I have learned and trained myself! to remain oh so calm and patient (and I was never this way before!) and try to figure out where they are coming from (my children). Once they understand that you are listening and they can express themselves their need to resist is gone. Children resist for good reason IMO. We just need to listen. A phrase that I learned is to state to our children "I need you to do ______ ". When you state it this way it isn't a command anymore. They hear it as a request and they do not resist this. When they wouldn't do it I would repeat this phrase until they did it. I never had to repeat it more than 3 times and of course I was always calm.

And I can understand when you are being triggered how difficult this can be because your own 8 year old inside is not as wise as the adult you. Being aware during the trigger of what is going on can be very helpful. ("Okay, I am very angry right now and I realize that my insider 8 yr old is who is responding right now. Calm down. What do I need? What does my real child in front of me need?")