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  #1  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:28 AM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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Last week when I called Kt (she said I could, to tell her how my grandson was) I got her answering machine, not her. Her last response to my email was that she wasn't sure how to answer, and she reminded me that she had told me she couldn't be a T via email. So in the message I said that I needed to be able to email, but that she didn't have to answer them. I think I also said "unless I ask you to" but I'm not sure.

She emailed me back and said that my not requiring a response was "a great idea" and that she would print my emails so if it was important we could discuss them in our sessions.

There is something bothering me about what she wrote. Why didn't she tell me originally that she didn't want to reply? Why was it such a "great idea"? It wasn't. I just don't want to take advantage of her. She DID reply to every email so if I hadn't offered this "great idea" would she still do it? I wonder if she would have been more insistent and tell me she wouldn't answer them.

I also have to clarify that if I DO want an answer, she will. Maybe what is bothering me is that she was so quick to agree that she won't answer me, so that takes away some of what felt so good. Is this a case of what I want is not what I need?

I see her on Wednesday so I will tell her my feelings and clarify what I told her.

On another note, she's going out-of-town for at least 1 day so my "worry button is pushed." Bt hardly ever went away. I worry when anyone goes on a trip, whether by car, train or plane. I want her safely back so I can continue my therapy! My "day" is Tuesday but that's why it's switched to Wednesday this week.

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  #2  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:34 AM
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I don't think she meant "great idea!" in the sense that she was tired of you emailing her. I also don't think it means she doesn't want to reply....I bet it's the opposite. She really really wants to reply but she knows the limitations and doesn't want to do therapy in email.

So, your idea gives you permission and space to share your feelings without her feeling the pressure to do therapy via email. And she will respond to you in session.

At least, that's my take on it!

It's good that you plan to clarify when you see her on Wednesday. I know it's hard. Good luck!
  #3  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:44 AM
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My take was that she prefers to respond face to face, not in e-mail. I took it as she might give you a quick acknowledgement that she received your email, but not to expect therapy-type replies from her; that would be done in session.

The only way to know is to clarify it with her.
  #4  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:53 AM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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Thanks, farmergirl and griffinp. I think you're both right. I realize what bothers me more is my reaction. It felt so good when she responded each time, and in a more helpful way than Bt did with my phone calls. I mean: Bt always called me back or even answered the phone, but I didn't feel satisfied with her responses to me. When Kt emailed me back, I felt more satisfied, but now that she is not going to, I feel the same way I did when Bt disappointed me. THAT is the underlying problem. I figured it out myself, thanks to posting and your replies too. My disappointment when my needs aren't fully met is the issue, and having high expectations that no one can meet.

Last edited by rainbow8; Apr 19, 2010 at 10:54 AM. Reason: grammar
  #5  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:58 AM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Typing an email (that isn't going to be responded to) is a little like writing in a journal and that is a good thing. You are working/thinking about what you're writing about and that is what therapy is about, not the other person and what they may or may not say and do. Therapy is us examining our lives so they make sense to us. Therapists are just along for the ride and to offer encouragement and a few pointers (since they've helped others before and done the job for themselves) while we work.
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  #6  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 11:23 AM
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I agree with farmergirl, that she seems to prefer talking about things when you are physically there. Not that she is rejecting you somehow by not WANTING to respond to your emails. As has been said on many threads here, there is so much confusion with emails for us, that sometimes its best to talk about in sessioN. Having said that, I am in an email predicament with T myself at the mo, so I should really take my own advice!
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  #7  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 03:32 PM
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sunrise sunrise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8 View Post
There is something bothering me about what she wrote. Why didn't she tell me originally that she didn't want to reply?
Maybe she didn't know. Maybe she has rarely emailed regularly with a client and so didn't really know what it would be like, how frequent it might be, and how much of her time it might take, etc. It sounds like she really wants to be there for you, but realizes the limitations of her schedule better now. A person can seem to "change their mind" but really, they just have new information now and so come to a different conclusion. I don't think it means at all that she wasn't telling you the truth at the outset--she really did want to email you! It sounds like she is really trying hard to find what works well for both of you.

I have a journal I write in and don't email my T (except about scheduling changes). Sometimes I write something in my journal that is important to me at that moment but after a day or two, or by the time of my next session, it isn't something I want to talk about with T. I've kind of "moved on" or processed it or something. There are other things that maintain their importance for the full time between sessions and I may bring them up face to face. Rainbow, I wonder if you didn't email your T, but wrote these things in your journal, maybe when your next session happened, some of the things wouldn't be pressing topics for discussion anymore?

I'm just wondering how it would feel to me to send T emails that we had agreed he would not respond to. Would it be that much different than my writing in my journal? (Is what I would like about emailing him getting a response or is it knowing he read the message? Or maybe both.)
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  #8  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 05:38 PM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8 View Post
There is something bothering me about what she wrote. Why didn't she tell me originally that she didn't want to reply? Why was it such a "great idea"? It wasn't. I just don't want to take advantage of her. She DID reply to every email so if I hadn't offered this "great idea" would she still do it? I wonder if she would have been more insistent and tell me she wouldn't answer them.
i think it's a great idea because you are negotiating boundaries and also willing to take into consideration that you don't want to burden her. she has already been very clear that she doesn't want to be an email-T. she told you that initially and then she told you that in her reply (last week?). so it's a great idea because she has already set a boundary, and now you are negotiating a way for you to still email but without the expectation that she is an email therapist.

fwiw, i think she would have become more insistent eventually if you kept emailing and expecting answers. maybe i am missing part of what she said, or have forgotten, but i thought that reminding you she didn't want to be an email-T was kind of clear that she didn't want to respond to emails and would prefer to do that work face to face. i'm a bit confused about why you're still emailing then - and now wanting to check that if you ask for a response that you will get it. isn't that kind of not respecting a boundary she's put in place? given that you always want a response (this is why you email) then how are you going to differentiate between the times you really need a response and the times that you don't?

i think what you said about how it's not about her - it's about your feelings/reactions to it all is what is important - that's a great insight!!!! i wonder if you can focus on the feelings side of things next time instead of getting into that convoluted game of trying to get someone to do something for you that they have already been pretty firm about not wanting to do.
  #9  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 06:25 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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Perna: I've kept journals for years but since I "discovered" email and online support groups I rarely do it anymore. The writing is important to me, but so is knowing that someone other than myself is reading it. However, if my issues are about expectation and disappointment, then it DOES matter to me what the T says or does.

Chronic: My new T told me right from the start that emailing her is okay. Maybe she didn't know I'd do it as often as I have, which isn't really that often, maybe once a week after my session.

sunrise:
Quote:
Rainbow, I wonder if you didn't email your T, but wrote these things in your journal, maybe when your next session happened, some of the things wouldn't be pressing topics for discussion anymore?
When I email or call a T, like I used to call Bt, what I want is the connection more than a specific answer. It's not about pressing topics for discussion. It's about T validating me as a person and caring enough to want to connect with me. Writing in a journal is a solitary experience. I want the connection to another person. Even if she doesn't answer, I know that she will read what I'm expressing. When I left messages on Bt's answering machine, often they were satisfying to me even if she didn't call back. She didn't understand that, though. Kt does! She agrees that emailing is a good way for me to express myself.

Deli, Kt didn't exactly say she did not want to answer my emails. She said I might not be satisfied with the replies, and that she did not want to be a T via email. But she didn't ever say she wouldn't answer. I know already that she tries to be very accomodating to me. When I first told her that 50 minutes seemed so short with Bt, she let me stay an hour and a half. I was so surprised. Now I may have to pay a little more for 1 1/2 hours, though.

Quote:
i'm a bit confused about why you're still emailing then - and now wanting to check that if you ask for a response that you will get it. isn't that kind of not respecting a boundary she's put in place? given that you always want a response (this is why you email) then how are you going to differentiate between the times you really need a response and the times that you don't?
I'm emailing because she wrote me, a few emails back, that we had an agreement and it was okay for me to email her. I stated that I was afraid she wouldn't let me. I see your point, but I will have to use my judgment and only ask for a response when I can't move on. I will have to play it by ear. That's why I have to clarify what she meant. You are correct!

Quote:
i wonder if you can focus on the feelings side of things next time instead of getting into that convoluted game of trying to get someone to do something for you that they have already been pretty firm about not wanting to do.
The answer is because it's so important to me. If I have a strong reaction to a session, it's very difficult for me to wait. If I leave and feel disconnected, I need to connect again. I think Kt understands that. It's like when I called Bt from my car right after my session. After I did that, I was fine. I know others check in with their T right after a session. I also don't think she was pretty firm about it. That's why I'm still confused, but will definitely clear it up at my next session.
  #10  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 06:34 PM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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good luck rainbow . sometimes i debate whether i should reply in your threads or not - your stuff seems to trigger me a lot - and then i'm not sure if i'm being helpful to you or just responding based on my own emotional need. at the same time, i do think i learn a lot from reading the stuff you bring up and how people respond here, so i appreciate that you are so open and willing to put yourself out there.

it's weird because i think you and i essentially face the same problem with attachment - not feeling that it has constancy. but it feels like you cling harder because of that and i take a step away and say "to hell with it then". so i do appreciate your posts a lot, and often i feel compelled to reply, but i'm just throwing it out there again that i'm sorry if my stuff gets mixed up in how i respond and if it isn't helpful. you must tell me if i post manky replies because the last thing i want to do is to harm, not help, you.
  #11  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 06:56 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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Interesting, Deli. I find myself being more frustrated and feeling misunderstood in my threads than I ever have. Not just by you. I feel like I don't make myself clear enough, but I also feel like I could be in denial since people tell me things that I don't agree with. I have to learn to read the replies but throw out what doesn't fit instead of getting irritated or triggered by it. It's confusing because I ask for opinions but I don't know if I really want them, or if I just want to be heard. I get confused and don't know who to listen to, though I know I just need to listen to myself! I also feel like people will stop responding because I'm too defensive and don't seem grateful. I AM grateful for all replies but often they bother me. Is that why people take a break from PC? I am too addicted to do that, though.

I wasn't going to mention the above but maybe I needed to and you gave me the push to do it. It's not you, Deli. It's me. I agree that we both want the connection but go about it differently. I think we need to mix ourselves up and come out with a happy medium!
  #12  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:15 PM
Anonymous32910
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8 View Post
It's confusing because I ask for opinions but I don't know if I really want them, or if I just want to be heard. I get confused and don't know who to listen to, though I know I just need to listen to myself! I also feel like people will stop responding because I'm too defensive and don't seem grateful. I AM grateful for all replies but often they bother me. Is that why people take a break from PC? I am too addicted to do that, though.
Reread what you just wrote. Do you realize you same the exact same things about your t's replies to your emails as you are saying about people's replies to you here on PC?

There is definitely a pattern there, and it isn't just with your t apparently. Something to think about.
  #13  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 10:19 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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No, I didn't realize that but you're absolutely right, farmergirl. Thank you for pointing that out. My patterns are so obvious to others, but not always to me!
  #14  
Old Apr 19, 2010, 11:18 PM
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jexa jexa is offline
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rainbow! I am hopelessly addicted to PC too. I got home from work and told myself I wouldn't do PC today. So I waited til midnight!

Just want to say I totally get the whole deal with the emails and I can relate. Like, I sent T an email after my intense weekend letting her know I was ok, and she said, "Oh, I was just going to check on you. Glad to hear you're doing better," and I think, crap! I shouldn't have let her know I was okay! Then she would have called me and I would have felt even more cared for! And then I had these urges to make it seem like I wasn't really okay just so she would call! I resisted the urge but still. I imagine it feels that way now for you. You're thinking, "Wait, I DO want this attention, I DO want you to respond.. I just don't want to feel guilty for asking, so I'm offering this solution, hoping you will turn it down and tell me everything's okay!" And then there is this endless circle of you trying to make subtle movements, all these subtle movements that end up.. where?

They end up in drama, ruptures. Does creating drama in the therapy relationship feed the addiction? Is this your way of trying to get the addiction to manifest?

Just throwing that out there..
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