[MissCharlotte]

Do you ever feel like maybe the baggage is just too heavy? I have reached a certain level of healing but I am just beginning to realize how heavy the bags really are. So, I wonder if this is how far I get. Do you get to a point in therapy where you feel like you know what the deal is yet you still can't move on? Sometimes I feel as though I have come so so far and other times I feel as though there is no way I can bridge the gap that is still ahead. And I don't know if my inability to continue forward is because of me or T. Maybe that's it. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I just don't know. What I do know is that I was in deep denial and very very much split apart from myself for many years of my life and now I know the truth, and the truth is not so pretty.

[fallenangel337]

I definitely get this feeling. It's like: I know what the issues are, I know why they're there to some extent, and I know how they impact my life. Yet, even with that, I feel like they never get better, and I'm not getting any closer to fixing those issues. It's like those dreams where you keep running and running, but you never get any closer to your destination. It's a really defeating feeling, to say the least.

[Luce]

No way, Miss Charlotte, it gets heaps better than this! Every step forwards, every slip backwards, and every rest break to see how far you have come and how far you have yet to go counts. It's all part of the process... pour yourself a cuppa, take a breather, and plod onwards, hun!

[chaotic13]

Ms C, yes I intermittently suffer from a sense that I can't get any better. I have made A LOT of progress in several area with therapy. However, when I assess where I am in one area, I feel like I've made none. After my last session I even emailed my T and asked the scary question... AM I DONE? I think for me this question surfaces when I have a session where I leave not having adequately discuss what I was really on my mind and seeing no clear path.

[MissCharlotte]

seeing no clear path

Yes Chaotic this is definitely part of it. But I wonder if this is just it for me. I mean do I just have to accept where I am now and be grateful for it?

[mixedup_emotions]

You stated that so wonderfully, MissC....And I experience the same kind of feelings....

It is hard. And I don't know what is in store for either of us....but I am hoping that someday I will be able to break free from the chains that hold me back...

[SpottedOwl]

((Miss C))

I mean do I just have to accept where I am now and be grateful for it?

It never hurts to pause and focus on being grateful, but you don't have to settle.

Is it possible you're bored?

Maybe you need therapy to take another turn, or maybe you are looking for some other things in life outside of therapy to fill those needs? Just an idea (or maybe a projection )

((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))

Just today, I talked to T a bit about whether I'm "done" with therapy. I've come really far, and worked through some really hard things...and the work that is left to do seems SO impossibly difficult. I feel like I am in this middle place that isn't all that bad.

Even my feelings towards T have changed. I don't feel the INTENSITY of feeling about him or about therapy right now. I absolutely love him, but he feels like a *part* of my life now...not this larger-than-life part like he always has been, but just a T-sized part.

SO. For me, I don't know if it's as good as it gets, but it might be good ENOUGH. At least for right now.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((MIss)))) I completely understand where you are coming from.I know that stuck plave where you know what the deal is but cannot move on. Can I give another perspective that has helped me?

I think, now this is for me, that having been in therapy for such a long time, it is easy for me to tell myself that this is as good as it gets, there just isnt any more than I can do. Im stuck and I know all there is to know and where can I go from here? But I noticed that there are periods of time that I reach a plateau. Real long periods of time. And what I dont immediately realize is that I am not on a plateau at ground level, I am 5000 feet in the air. That I have grown and plateau'd out (however you spell that!) and then grown again and plateau'd out. That the changes I have made, I had to live with for whatever period of time, without knowing that there was more growth and another plateau in another 5000 feet, which Id reach in another X number of years.

I am fortunate (or unfortunate) that I have 31 years of therapy since I was 20 years old behind me to have some kind of perspective on that. And with all that, I STILL have long moments of wondering where I can possibly go from here. All I do is dig into my feelings, my history, my depression, my acting out, my blah blah blah. But when I think of where I was before starting this journey to discover who and why I am, its frightening to think what might have been with out it all.

What Im fumbling around to say is that you may be 5000 feet in the air on a plateau that feels like ground level without noticing that you must travel another X number of miles on this plateau to reach the next one. And the next movement forward might be in a direction you could not possibly have imagined.

I dont see anything wrong with being grateful for where I am (even if I dont find where i am that pleasant) and it doesnt mean I am grateful because this is the end of the road and be happy I have gone any distance at all. I really hope the communication in my marriage and with my children improves and that I continue to be brave and discover the real truth about where I came from and how I felt about it. I am at a scaary point now talking about my family and why I did some of the things I did as a teen and in my 20s- and it is not because I was experimenting or crazy, but because of how I felt about myself related to csa. And it is sad and scary. I never thought I'd go there, but these are the *feeling* discoveries that push me forward. I think...I hope.....

OK- enough rambling.....

[Melbadaze]

miss c, I have often felt as you do, I don't think I ever felt/feel it was because of T, it just felt no end to it. As soon as we unpicked one level, another level appears, which each step forward, brings "new" areas of pain. I think its at these times its helpful To take some time to look at what has changed, and there will be changes. I think chaotics word says it all "intermittenly",

[Elysium]

Maybe this is a really horrible thing to say...but I do not feel like I will ever get BETTER.

I honestly don't feel that anything can make this better. All I can see in my future is me just learning how to better cope with being destroyed. Because that's what I am...Destroyed.

Maybe that will be as good as it gets for me. Sometimes though, I don't think it will be enough.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi everybody,

Thank you all for your responses. I think the feeling is not so much boredom, but some kind of resistance to the momentum I need to move forward in my self definition. The energy needed is huge and I don't have it right now. I like the idea of sort of regrouping with T and talking about the way forward for me but it will be like punching my way out of paper bag. I also think that there is a need to fill my life with other things but I'll have **** or get off the pot as they say. I am also struggling with this depression and the fatigue that accompanies it. It's all part of this package.
I'll see what I can come up with tomorrow in T and let you all know.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Hi everybody,

Thank you all for your responses. I think the feeling is not so much boredom, but some kind of resistance to the momentum I need to move forward in my self definition. The energy needed is huge and I don't have it right now. I like the idea of sort of regrouping with T and talking about the way forward for me but it will be like punching my way out of paper bag. I also think that there is a need to fill my life with other things but I'll have **** or get off the pot as they say. I am also struggling with this depression and the fatigue that accompanies it. It's all part of this package.
I'll see what I can come up with tomorrow in T and let you all know.

It certainly is quite difficult to muster up the energy, especially when faced with depression and fatigue. I am right there with ya, and I also have a session with T tomorrow. (Yes, I am going...ugh)

I'll be looking forward to your update!

[BlueMoon6]

I so know that depression and fatigue. Miss, are you on meds? I would imagine so, but thought Id ask. If so, can you temporarily bump up the dose? Sometimes with the lack of daylight in the winter things seem to dip a little for some people, myself included.

[MissCharlotte]

whoa whoa whoa....all I can say is tonight's session gave me so much food for thought. I am processing like crazy but need to keep it in my heart right now. T self disclosed much more than usual including something related to last year's ruptures and some countertransference (although he didn't use that word he explained something) I am blown away. I have so much to process.

I guess somehow the baggage I was feeling was related to unresolved issues between T and me, and I hope/think his disclosure has opened up the door I was looking for to continue. I can see the direction now whereas yesterday it all felt so dark. The relationship has to be real for me to continue forward and every once in a while I need some evidence.

Wow.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

The relationship has to be real for me to continue forward and every once in a while I need some evidence.

I know exactly what you mean MissCharlotte. I'm so glad you had a good session and that it brought you some peace.

[KDlady]

The truth shall set you free - even if it isn't very pretty