[googley]

I'm angry with my T. I took in this thing I had written up about how I was feeling. We talked about what it was like for me to share it and that I was nervous. That there was a lot of sensitive stuff in it. I told her that I couldn't read it out loud so she agreed to read it to herself. She asked me if I wanted her to read it then or if I would rather her read it between sessions. I said then because otherwise I would have all this anxiety between the two sessions while she was reading it. Before I gave it to her I made her promise that she would give it back to me (for a number of different reasons none of them really having anything to do with me being uncomfortable with her having it-as she had read it- but my own anxieties.) So she promised that she would give it back to me before I left session.

So it was getting towards the end of session and she asked if I had another copy (which I did- but this isn't the point). She asked if she could keep the copy that she had. Because of my own anxieties I said no. I didn't want there to be a chance of someone else possibly (in any way) getting access to it. She said that since I was not using insurance they could not ask for it. But I still said no. It makes me so angry that I felt she was trying to convince me to leave it with her when she had already promised that she would give it back. It's mine. It was something that I worked on really hard to be able to share and then she wanted to keep it even after promising to give it back. And what would she have wanted it for anyway? To put in a file somewhere? It can be perfectly fine in my journal until I bring it back to session.

I don't know that I am going to bring it back next week (it is my impression that she thinks I will). She may just have to wait. How could she do that? She promised. How can I trust her? I feel like she tried to trick me. Say yes to giving it back because she expects that afterwords I will go along with her keeping it. She didn't care how it made me feel, to feel that my trust had been violated. Why couldn't she just keep her word I feel like I was taken advantage of and violated. When I worked so hard to try and work on this. To try and trust her so I could get better...

Am I over reacting? I want to call her and leave her a message telling her how angry I am, but I'm not sure that is the best idea, I'm afraid I might yell at her. Advice?

I think you are over-reacting a bit. She probably, after having read it, wanted to peruse it a bit before your next session. She wasn't asking to keep your only copy. Did you ask her why she changed her mind? Did you express your concern about her change of mind?

[skeksi]

Googley, I understand exactly why you are upset. I have shown T some things and he usually asks for a copy, which I refuse. As time has gone on, I've been able to ask him why he wants copies, and to find out the security of these things (i.e., that he will not show anyone, ever) and I have become comfortable enough to, occasionally, let him keep a copy. But it has taken ages to get to this point of trust.

It sounds like you felt her bringing up the insurance thing was an effort to persuade you to give her a copy of the writing. Maybe that was her intent; or maybe she was trying to reassure you that it would be safe from prying eyes--but that's still a nudge in the direction of letting her have a copy of it. Those of us with trauma histories can be especially well-attuned to any kind of pushing. She may not have realized how her comment was going to be perceived. She needs to hear how you experienced that moment.

I suggest you talk about this next time. You don't have to take the writing, especially if not taking it will help you feel more in control. But this is an important thing to talk about. Figuring out when you feel safe enough to share something like that writing is part of the hard work of therapy for trauma.

For me, when I feel angry at T, it helps a lot to write through it and do some processing of my feelings before I see him. It helps first because then I can put it aside to get on with the rest of my boring non-T week, lol, but also so I know clearly what I want to communicate next session.

[Princess Butterfly]

I understand how you feel.I shared something very personal with my care co-ordinator that id wrote into a poem i said i wanted it back.
She told me she had put it in my file and didnt give it to me back.I'm still very upset about this myself.
You put trust in your t and it felt like she was breaking it.At least you got it back though.Maybe nxt session you could discuss with her how you feel about it.

[googley]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I think you are over-reacting a bit. She probably, after having read it, wanted to peruse it a bit before your next session. She wasn't asking to keep your only copy. Did you ask her why she changed her mind? Did you express your concern about her change of mind?

Whether I'm over-reacting "a bit" or not is not really the point. I have not done anything to anyone. I have written about my feelings. My feelings are valid. I go into T to have a safe space to share my experiences with someone I should be able to trust. Feeling that the safety and trust have been violated should not automatically make me someone who's feelings are invalid. I have been told my feelings are invalid for my whole life. I'm in T to try and reconnect with those feelings and feel safe feeling them and expressing them. If at the first time I have negative feelings they are an "over reaction" then how is T any different than anywhere else I've been? Farmer- I didn't realize that I had actually asked if people thought I was over reacting until I went back and glanced at my original post. I didn't mean to bite your head off and am sorry if I caused you any distress.
Your right that she probably wanted to look through it between sessions, but there was a reason I made her read it while I was there. Having her read it between session (either the first time or another time) would have left me extremely anxious about her reaction and would have prolonged the anxiety I had about sharing it in the first place over the course of the next week. It didn't matter that it wasn't my only copy. I knew when I first made her promise that she would give it back that it wasn't my only copy. That hadn't changed. I did not ask her why she changed her mind. I just said that I was worried about it somehow getting out and that so I wanted to keep it. I told her I could bring it back another session. One of the things I continue to work on is recognizing how I am feeling. I knew I was uncomfortable at the time with her keeping it, but did not know how angry I was about it. I have a hard time recognizing how I am feeling. It used to take me weeks to realize that I had a negative emotional reaction to something. This was about two days. A vast improvement. Sometimes I can realize at the moment, but this was not one of those times. This was me thinking about doing journal writing (where the first thing came from) and realizing how angry I was about what had happened in session. It sucks, but it often takes me time to process my feelings. As a kid I was not allowed to express any negative emotions. So it takes longer to access them and they often feel overwhelming. Though I have always internalized my feelings so it is weird to feel anger projected out at someone else.

Originally Posted by skeksi

Googley, I understand exactly why you are upset. I have shown T some things and he usually asks for a copy, which I refuse. As time has gone on, I've been able to ask him why he wants copies, and to find out the security of these things (i.e., that he will not show anyone, ever) and I have become comfortable enough to, occasionally, let him keep a copy. But it has taken ages to get to this point of trust.

It sounds like you felt her bringing up the insurance thing was an effort to persuade you to give her a copy of the writing. Maybe that was her intent; or maybe she was trying to reassure you that it would be safe from prying eyes--but that's still a nudge in the direction of letting her have a copy of it. Those of us with trauma histories can be especially well-attuned to any kind of pushing. She may not have realized how her comment was going to be perceived. She needs to hear how you experienced that moment.

I suggest you talk about this next time. You don't have to take the writing, especially if not taking it will help you feel more in control. But this is an important thing to talk about. Figuring out when you feel safe enough to share something like that writing is part of the hard work of therapy for trauma.

For me, when I feel angry at T, it helps a lot to write through it and do some processing of my feelings before I see him. It helps first because then I can put it aside to get on with the rest of my boring non-T week, lol, but also so I know clearly what I want to communicate next session.

I've given people information about myself only to have it used against me later. I would feel more comfortable having all my information in my possession. I know I'm going to have to talk with her about this next time. Otherwise I don't think we would really be able to get anything else done. I'm sure I will get to journaling about this before I see her again. We've worked through ruptures before, and I'm sure we will again. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.

[googley]

Originally Posted by Princess Butterfly

I understand how you feel.I shared something very personal with my care co-ordinator that id wrote into a poem i said i wanted it back.
She told me she had put it in my file and didnt give it to me back.I'm still very upset about this myself.
You put trust in your t and it felt like she was breaking it.At least you got it back though.Maybe nxt session you could discuss with her how you feel about it.

That is awful that you didn't get what you wrote back. I'm so sorry. There can be legalities (depending where you live) about things going into files and then legally them not being able to be taken out. This is exactly one of the reasons I didn't want her to keep it. I will talk with her next week about it.
Thanks.

Ugh, (((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))))

I bet you felt SO on guard, bringing in something so personal and letting her read it, that when she tried to take it a step farther...keeping it between sessions...it just pushed you over the edge. It makes SO MUCH SENSE to me.

When I am in that really vulnerable place...when I'm telling T about a trauma for the first time, for example...I am so SO hyper-aware of T's every move. His every facial expression, every word he says, his body language. I can't even help it...maybe it's part of the PTSD. I am just so prepared to be hurt or rejected or ridiculed or abandoned in that moment. T and I have definitely had ruptures because of my hyper-vigilance in those moments....but T never sees those ruptures as my "fault".

I actually just read in a book yesterday that when we have been through trauma, there is a third person in the therapy room that affects the transference and countertransference...that person is the abuser. It made so much sense to me...so much of our reactions are reactions to that abuser who isn't there physically but who is still with us in so many ways.

I think the positive thing is that she DID give it back to you. I like skeski's idea of writing about your anger - write as much as you need to, use whatever words you want to. Just get it out. Your T seems really open to hearing how you feel about what happens in the room...I hope you will tell her exactly how you are feeling.

BIG safe hugs to you, googley

[Elysium]

(((((Googley)))))

I'm sorry that happened the way it did. That probably would have made me feel uncomfortable too.

I'm not defending your T's behavior, but did she even explain to you WHY she wanted to keep a copy. Maybe after she read it she decided that she'd like to have a copy to review after session. That idea may be uncomfortable for you, but maybe it wasn't about trying to go back on her word. But the insurance statement doesn't make much sense to me. It really doesn't matter if you said No, then it's No.

Maybe you can ask her next session why she had wanted to keep a copy?

[wonderingmary]

I can understand your feeling treated unappropriately. To me it seems extremely insensitive of her not to tell you why she was asking to keep it, particularly since you had earlier said you would not let her keep it. Her request really was something that warranted a good reason, under the circumstances. In my experience, therapists all too often get so off in their own worlds that they forget common courtesies such as giving their reasons for requests. Unfortunately, it's just something we have to deal with. But I do hope that next time you see her, you will ask her why she asked to keep it, particularly since you had already asked her not to, and that you point out how her asking, without even the courtesy of giving a reason or of acknowledging that she had previously agreed to give it back, appears from your perspective. (My experience in therapy is that I can rarely ask questions on the spot, but have to "psych myself up" and rehearse beforehand.)

[ECHOES]

I do understand the vulnerable feeling of sharing and the awful fear that it will be used against you later.

Did you ask her why she wanted to have a copy of it?

[googley]

Elysium & Mary-
My T didn't say why she wanted to keep what I wrote. She asked if I had two copies and I said yes. Then she asked something along the lines if she could keep it. I tried to explain why I didn't want her to keep it (ie someone might get access to it) and she said that that was not an issue because I was not using insurance. I continued to explain that I was uncomfortable with her keeping it and she finally handed it back to me. She knows how big an issue confidentiality is for me. I would have felt better if she after asking once had just accepted that I didn't want her to keep it. I can see that she was just trying to allay my worries about someone getting it, but I didn't feel like she respected my decision, especially since she had agreed on that as part of me showing her what I wrote. I will ask her next session why she wanted to keep it. Or at least I hope I will.

[moonrise]

Googley, I'm so sorry your T did that, especially since you made it very clear in the beginning that you needed it back.

I really hope you're able to bring this up with your T, and that she can really *get* why it is so hard for you.

[deliquesce]

my guess is that she read it once in session with you, and then wanted to read it again before she saw you next. what we write can have so many layers, that it's impossible sometimes to take it all in in one go.

BUT i do understand your feeling of violation, especially after she promised. i've absolutely made pdoc promise that he will never write down anything re: my trauma stuff in his notes. he respects that. sometimes if we are talking about that stuff, or even just things like how i'm angry at my family (for whatever reason), and he writes something down, he will tell me what he's writing down so that i don't fret.

with all his carefulness that way, when he wrote a referral letter to austin-t he asked mentioned the whole *******ed saga in the letter. and got his receptionst to type it up!! i was in shock. i couldn't believe he actually did that. absolutely boggled the mind.

but i did say i wanted it taken out. i didnt go into the whys etc, just said "i don't want that in there". and so he took it out (or got his secretary to ).

sometimes our Ts just miss the mark completely. sounds like your T did this time. i tell myself it's because they don't sit with this anxiety, this fear, so they don't understand how important promises are sometimes. not that they don't understand, but because they're more relaxed sometimes they just don't see the gravity of it all.

i hope you'll sort this out with your T. leave her a voicemail if it'll help you make sure this gets addressed next week. don't worry if you do yell, she can handle it. and i'm guessing googley needs to work on letting anger out, too, so you can just mark it down as progress .

Originally Posted by googley

. Farmer- I didn't realize that I had actually asked if people thought I was over reacting until I went back and glanced at my original post. I didn't mean to bite your head off and am sorry if I caused you any distress.

No problem. (I've been on a heating pad all afternoon with a bad back so I didn't even see what you wrote until just now.) I perfectly understand. I'm sorry if I upset you. I really was just trying to answer your question.

[elliemay]

Oh man do I hear you. Just because someone says something is safe doesn't mean it is. She's definately gotta earn that safety you know? On the other hand, I guess we have to be willing to let them earn it.

I'm with Echoes, did you ask her why she wanted a copy of what you wrote. If, as you suggest, she just wanted to keep it on file for no apparent reason, then, well, that's kinda crappy and rather sloppy of her. However, if she wanted a copy to learn more about you, her request might have some merit.

If I may play armchair therapist , I wonder if you just aren't ready to let her metaphorically keep a piece of you. If so, I get that 100%. We are precious things, us. Only the gentlest of the gentle get to hold what we value the most.

[googley]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

No problem. (I've been on a heating pad all afternoon with a bad back so I didn't even see what you wrote until just now.) I perfectly understand. I'm sorry if I upset you. I really was just trying to answer your question.

Farmer-
I was still really ranting and all sensitive and wasn't at a point where I could read anything but complete agreement. So it is okay. I understand what you were saying and thank you for the support. I'm still angry but feeling calmer now.

Deli- I'm shocked at what pdoc did with that letter. Big Oops, especially when he was being so careful.

Moonrise-
Thanks for the support. I think I will be able to get her to 'get' it. I think she wanted to read it between sessions in the first place as her first suggestion on reading it was that she take it with her, it was only here second suggestion when I said no to that originally that she would read it in front of me. She got this serious look on here face. I think it was because I told her it was still going to be hard for me to have her to read it instead of me reading it because I wouldn't know what she was reacting to. So she "put on" a serious face to keep any reactions from being visible while she read it.

I hurt. Under the anger it hurts. I don't know why it hurts. I'm telling myself I don't know why I'm surprised. I feel like I'm always disappointed when I try and trust. I know there are a few times this hasn't happened. But right now it just seems overwhelming. And it hurts. And I don't know exactly why.

((((Googley))) I can't even imagine my T doing this especially if I told her in the first place I didn't want her to keep it. You are right, it is YOURS and just because you share in with her in therapy, doesn't mean she has a right to keep it. I know my T would ask me, but would respect my decision.
You know what else... lol GOOD FOR YOU!!!! for making her respect YOUR boundaries. You said NO and meant it and followed through! You go girl!

[WePow]

(((( Googley )))) It makes sense that it hurts - bad. You offered a valuable inside view into YOU with the understanding of specific boundries you needed in order to feel safe enough to offer T that insight. T turned around and invalidated your safety net by asking you to go against your pre-defined needs for the disclosure to occur. That hurts.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Googley))))) I can completely understand why you would be upset. It is a big deal to write it out and have someone read those events and personal feelings. I have difficulty even writing things down for fear it will be found and read. Id be upset, too.

I was also wondering why she wanted to keep it- to look at in your chart later to get a better idea of how to move forward with you maybe or just to have as part of your chart? Desk-t has some VERY personal writings of mine and I am REALLY unhappy about it. It freaks me out. I wont be calling to ask for it back, I just have to live knowing that stuff is "out there."

I agree with the responses you got that it would be best to bring it up to T about why she wanted it and how it made you feel. I am also hypervigilant at those moments and she should know that you were extremely on guard at that time. I would be, too. She is a good T, I think she will hear you if you bring it up.
Hugs and hugs

[chaotic13]

I am also a total freak about what's in my file at times. When my T asked if she could keep my first drawing until the next time we met, I was VERY reluctant. But I ended up letting her because I kind of didn't show it to her until the very end of the session. Since then...A LOT of things have gone into my folder. I don't even want to think about it. From time to tiime I get paranoid about it, but my T has always said the images I share with her are mine, if I want them back I can have them at any time. She has also reassured me NUMEROUS times that she will protect my privacy, and ... I believe her now.

[Melbadaze]

I understand how you would feel...I'm not sure why your T felt it so important to have a copy...she'd read it and could have talked about it with you..but why the need to have it i'm unclear....

[wonderingmary]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i've absolutely made pdoc promise that he will never write down anything re: my trauma stuff in his notes. he respects that. sometimes if we are talking about that stuff, or even just things like how i'm angry at my family (for whatever reason), and he writes something down, he will tell me what he's writing down so that i don't fret.

with all his carefulness that way, when he wrote a referral letter to austin-t he asked mentioned the whole *******ed saga in the letter. and got his receptionst to type it up!! i was in shock. i couldn't believe he actually did that. absolutely boggled the mind.

but i did say i wanted it taken out. i didnt go into the whys etc, just said "i don't want that in there". and so he took it out (or got his secretary to ).

sometimes our Ts just miss the mark completely. sounds like your T did this time. i tell myself it's because they don't sit with this anxiety, this fear, so they don't understand how important promises are sometimes. not that they don't understand, but because they're more relaxed sometimes they just don't see the gravity of it all.

Wow, you've got the assertiveness down! One thing I hoped to get out of therapy was being more assertive -- but therapy just demanded that skill even more than in ordinary life. So often my t's have missed the mark completely in so many ways.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Googley I wrote you a long reply and it disappeared yikes sorry......

yr T needs to really digest what you write about your emotions, she needs to be able to see out of your eyes, so to speak, so she can help you. Mine says that we can read & discuss a paragraph in session, but for longer stuff (a lot of it is longer) she really wants to hang onto it and think about it. I never asked for any of it back but I feel that she'd give it to me if I did; would your not do that if you asked?

Hope you are feeling better today

[Sannah]

Hey Googley, this will be a good opportunity to work through this stuff with your T. I think that you will learn a lot from it, and so will she!