Upset by what prospective T told me

Prospective #2 T called me back tonight. Maybe I told her too much, but she said she couldn't help me! When I told her I wanted psychodynamic therapy, and a little about my attachment problem, she said she does insight therapy, and it takes 5 years. Then she said she couldn't help me and it would probably be better to stay with the T I've been seeing. So, now I feel rejected by a T I never even saw!

Does psychodynamic therapy have to take years? I don't want to be in therapy 5 more years. My own T, faults and all, is sounding better. But I'll keep plodding through my list, I guess.

Why are you upset? I think it's good that this T said straight out that she cannot help you. You wouldn't want to get involved with someone who couldn't help you, would you? It sounds like she knows her limits. There are others out there who may be able to help.

Rainbow- I didnt hear abut prospective #1, maybe you posted somewhere else?

I also spoke to some who didnt sound like they wanted to see me. Remember that one that questioned me about the T I was seeing and gave me an ultimatum on the phone that I have to stop seeing dt within 1 session if I wanted to see her? She was rigid and had weird expectations without knowing me.

You'll run into all types....keep calling.....

Wanna share what you are saying on the phone?

Tay, but I said I wanted psychodynamic therapy and that's what she does! Personality disorders were on her list, too. From her description, she sounded good!

Blue: No. 1 doesn't take my insurance, though she said I could pay less, but it wasn't low enough. She gave me someone else's number, but she doesn't seem to have enough experience for me. I didn't call, but she was also on psychologytoday.

I probably said too much, but if I'm not honest, what's the use? I said I saw 4 Ts and wanted to figure out why I attached to 2 of them. I said I had BPD, since PD were on her list. I said something about it being a catch-22, and she said "then you don't want to attach to a T?" I said emphatically that I do! She then said it takes 5 yrs. of long-term therapy and I'd be better off with the T who knows me.

I don't think I like her anyway, after that conversation. I miss my T, flaws and all, but I have to try this, at least for a consultation in person once I find someone who will see me!

I suspect she thinks it would be best to work through the attachment issue with the T because that's what she would do. I wonder if she truly understands that your T is not interested (seemingly, forgive me if I'm mistaken) in doing that. I'll bet if she understood that, she would see you; as it is, she would feel like she would be interfering in a very important part of your current therapy. She may have thought you were wanting to avoid the attachment (in spite of what you told her, you know how they are!) and she didn't want to encourage you to do something that wouldn't be helpful to you. She knows the importance of the attachment to therapy.

I am almost 3 years into my therapy that is psychodynamic/psychoanalytic. It takes time and I see it going beyond 5 years easily. There is always something to explore and the intricate matrix is complex.

Yes, I was in psychodynamic/psychoanalytic for 9 years. It does take time.

Why be upset? This person was up front with you. That's a good thing.

Why be upset? Because I don't understand why she said she can't help me. So, maybe it's useless to be in psychodynamic therapy again. I did it years ago. I am frustrated, that's what! Maybe I should just accept my T, imperfect as she is, and see her monthly. But that's not a good solution.

I just want to talk more about my past, but maybe it doesn't have to be long-term therapy for that. I am SO conflicted about this. I didn't call any prospective Ts today. I don't know what to ask or tell them. Does it sound pathetic to say I've seen 4 Ts and I want to try again?

LOL, I seem to want to record my progress here like a journal. I just hung up on someone's voice mail! Actually, she had been one of the first Ts I liked on psychologytoday, but her voice scared me to death! So jarring and loud. I know she's not right for me, even though she has 20 plus years of experience.

So, I called another one who only has 8 years experience. She has post graduate training in expressive arts therapy and internal family systems. Her voice sounds kind, and she was recommended by the T who I liked, but isn't on my insurance.

I understand completely. Were I searching for a new T, a kind, quiet voice would be a must.

I hope you meet someone you click with.

You may run into t's you can't work with you for a variety of reasons. You can't tear yourself up about every person you call. It's just torture for you that way. These people are complete strangers and don't know you from Adam. Don't get too invested in them while you are just making phone calls. Move on like you did today and keep making those phone calls. You can do it! The right t's out there.

Years ago when I was looking for my first T, I got so incredibly frustrated because I kept getting told there was a long waiting list, or I would get an answering machine! Then I told myself I would call one more T, and this T answered her own phone! I knew she was the one because she was so kind on the phone, and while I was on the phone with her, my then 4 month old was crying in the background. She knew I was overwhelmed! And she could see me right away. She was my T for many years.

that can be quite helpful.

she sounds interesting.

Here's something Bloom3 said to me in another thread; it might be helpful for you, too: "finding a good T is a bit of a crap shoot imo. many of us have had some duds before we found good ones. kind of like dating!

It can be hard to deal with the feelings of rejection, but it's sometimes inevitable that we get rejected by a therapist, just as we do sometimes in dating. (And we often also are on the rejecting end in dating -- and in choosing therapy.)

It is often hard to find a suitable therapist.

Hey rainbow,

Please don't feel rejected. Part of building a good T relationship is that both the T and the client need to both make a commitment. I think it was great that the T was up front about her ability to help. She may not have experience or some other reason that would make it difficult to work with you.

My T told me from the start (she is psychodynamic) that it is her job to determine in the beginning if she could work with me or not. I was lucky and she did. But I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't know or who can't identify their own issues.

Please keep looking. Don't settle. If you take the time, your effort will pay you back 10 fold.

((rainbow))
If I had decided about my T based on her answering machine recordings, I would have passed. lol Her voice in session is very different.

Rainbow,

I have a question - I'm sure you've probably posted this already on this forum - but how long have you been with your current T? You say that you have had 4 different Ts (probably not something at all unusual) - has this been over many years or over a short time and have they been from different schools of thought (i.e. therapists with different approaches)?

I think it's good to be honest with potential future Ts but I wonder whether emphasizing that you have had a succession of Ts might be going against you if you aren't placing it in context. I think without the context, there is a slight risk that a therapist might be concerned that you will not stay in the therapy for very long/will soon move on again.

The other approach might be to predict the kind of concerns a therapist might have and make sure you explain what you want specifically from this therapeutic relationship that is lacking from the current one. I can imagine the therapists you saw before your current one are of less relevance to a future T than what is lacking in the here and now with your current T.

I hope you find the right one.

The other thing to bear in mind is that sometimes a T will say "no" not because of you but because of their own case-load. Different clients present with different kinds of issues and require different intensities of therapy - to be a good therapist you need to know your limits and be in a position to schedule each client in so their needs can be met.

The other thing that comes to mind is: does it really make a big difference if someone has been doing their job for 10 years or 20 years. I think after a certain point, this factor is less important than other things - such as flexibility, the overall impression you get of the person and so on. Sometimes we find the thing we want/need in a place we least expected it.

Onzi

hi Rainbow,
I just wanted to say, I can understand why you're upset. I would feel upset too. Not like terribly, "I hate myself", "I want to die", upset.........but upset like "they think they can't help me and they've never even MET me."
But I agree with what the others are saying too - it's best for the T to be honest with you (and themselves) about their limitations.
I've had a T tell me she couldn't help me because she didn't specialize in eating disorders. I was in a bit of a crisis and kind of desparate. She saw me twice, and then ended up referring me to inpatient hospitalization. I never saw her again.
Ok, sorry for the ramble. Just wanted to say, I think I understand.

Try not to be discouraged.... even though it sounds discouraging. You will find the right T eventually. Keep trying.

Hi Rainbow,

Try not to feel discouraged! Just take your time and keep calling until you find a therapist that feels right to you. If you find one and don't like her, you can always look for another one who takes your insurance. Maybe you could think of it as a treasure hunt: looking for the "jewel" among the masses!

Thanks, everyone, for all the encouragement and the advice.
Another T I thought I liked from her pt listing called me back. She sounded nice and listened to me, but something about her voice wasn't right. She was helpful and told me to do what I'm doing--call people, ask questions, and then schedule a few appointments before making up my mind. She's only available in my area once a week, and I don't like that too much.

The expressive arts T left me a message and said I could call tomorrow afternoon. I can't call until later, so I hope I'll be able to reach her.
Since the Ts I liked in their listings on psychologytoday haven't sounded "right' on the phone, I called and left a message for one I wasn't sure about. She went to the same school as the T who told me not to expect hugs, who I emailed, but who knows, maybe she's "the one." She has an awful lot of experience, and my former T said I might like her, and that she's a good person.

I still say that doing this makes me miss my T very much. I don't feel as annoyed with her as I did now that it's 1 week since my session. But the fact is that she didn't help me with the attachment. I've got to remember that!

i'm confused by the emphasis you are placing on these prospective Ts voices.

austin-t sounds like a braying donkey but he's a really good therapist (who's admittedly a bit overrun at the moment, but it doesn't detract from his ability).

are you setting the bar too high?

Deli, I understand what you are saying. The T's voice is important to me because of my issue with attachment. I'm glad you brought this up. You said in your therapy you don't discuss your relationship with each other. It's not an important part of therapy.

You're getting me to see something crucial! Already I want to choose a T I will attach to. That by itself is good. But, maybe you're right. It's imperative for me to choose a T (I'm almost doing it subconsciously) I will overly attach to, again. I'm looking for soothing in her voice. I don't know if I'm setting myself up to be hurt again!

Do I want a good T or someone who will be nice to me? I don't know! Emotionally I know I want the nice T. Rationally, ????? I called one of the Ts who seems more like my current T, except she has better credentials and more experience. I am hoping to find someone who satisifes both of my needs: for someone "nice" and nurturing, and for someone who knows what she's doing and how to help me.

Rainbow,

Try not to disgard some of them because of their voice. When i first met my t, i didn't feel drawn to her at all. I thought she seemed kind of formal and not warm. I did not pick up on any caring in her voice at first. But as i got to know her, i began to experience her caring ways and nurturing voice. It kind of built up over time.

How about going to meet with 2 or 3 t's and see how you feel in their presence?

Rainbow- I am sorry I didnt read through everything on the thread, Maybe its because of the familiarity we have with each other I love you and I want you to know Im thinking about you and with you on this issue.

I have the same thing (of course) with a Ts voice, BUT its very true for me that its more my imagination than the reality that the T will be nice or nice depending on their voice. Ftt sounds like she is very very young on her voicemail and even in person, but she (I think) it a bit older than me. Maybe by 1 or 2 yrs. And she looks real young. But she is very knowledgable and I dont have mother-related anxiety over her. I feel comfortable and the anxiousness I felt with dt isnt there. Dt's voice is mature and professional (coldish, actually) and she wasnt a good therapist.

My opinion, that you didnt ask for Is to talk and evaluate the content of the conversation, even if they sound like quasi moto. See if they are responsive to you or feel overwhelmed by what you need and want. When I was talking to Ts on the phone I listened for coldness and a lack of responsiveness. I responded well to someone who seemed intereted in my issues and asked further questions that seemed to show insight.

And keep in mind that when I was doing this it made me miss DT VERY VERY much. So....dont go by that!

What's with the expressive arts T????

Good thread!

FWIW, I've had prospective Ts get pretty prickly with me during the intake session, when I've come across as if I know what I want. Some Ts are threatened by a client who is evaluating their options. It's so wrong, but it happens. This one you described sounds insecure to me. Seems like you're better off without her.

I'm so bad at this myself -- I tend to forget that therapists are people, and I just charge in asking for what I want. Some of them find it abrasive, even ones who aren't oversensitive or insecure. Lately in initial sessions with new Ts, I've tried to be more respectful and to seem like I'm open to the future. It's kind of like an audition for something, or a job interview. Better to focus on what the new T might have to offer, than to spend too much time talking about former experiences. But in your case, where you know exactly which kind of treatment you want right out of the gate, you'll have to state that of course...

And as my current T never ceases to remind me, we communicate with each other in ways that are non-verbal. So maybe adjust body language and facial expression a bit?

(sigh) I don't really know what I'm saying -- other than that you have to walk on eggshells with therapists, maybe