Me and my T had a good session, I only saw her once this week and once last week. Well today I talked about how sad I have been feeling with a feeling of anxiety with it, since our last "huge EMDR" session. I am not suicidal and would never do something like that especially something that would hurt my kids. But today when I dropped them off at the gym, which is by the river, on my way to therapy, I thought about what if I just drove right off the road and into the river. I sort of snapped out of it by me thinking, what the heck am I thinking about this? Maybe it is because some people have died recently in the last couple of weeks, nobody I was close to, but it reminded me of the people I lost. Maybe it is because I am feeling more deeply than before? During the times I am happy, I feel really happy and content.

Then today my T asked me something about my old T. In our last session I talked more about the stuff he did, like when he showed me a picture of another client he had in his pile of photos and she said, she is pretty isn't she? Then he told me that she had 4 kids under the age of 21. Plus other sexual innuendos and me being the last client before his lunch hour and how a lot of my sessions went 40 minutes over. Not because I was crisis or anything like that- it was just fun chatting, social stuff. (then there is the piles of stuff she knew from before like the flirting at the gym, snapping me with towels, winking, etc. )

Well my T meets with the other T's in her group, and the one T who used to be her supervisor, who is the main T in the group, has known my old T for a long time. Well she wants to bring up the unethical stuff he has done to me with him. (with my permission) My T told me that the stuff I told her really got her worked up and the next day when all the T's came together in a weekly group thing to discuss various things and clients, my T told them what I said the day before. This stuff I just told her wasn't blurring the boundaries, it was outright unethical what he did and this T wants to confront him about this. She hopes he will get some help for this. She isn't interested in what he has to say as excuses (she knows he is defensive especially with his ego and stuff and he might try to make me look crazy or something)

When my T told me this, I got all sort of anxiety thinking about it, my heart just raced. In one way I guess I still feel like protecting him because of that spiritual bond I feel with him, but on the other hand he really hurt me bad and I am still working on the trauma of it all. Maybe I would feel better if someone confronted him on this,(someone of equal power) but I am scared. I don't want him to hate me, but I think this will really make him uncomfortable and a part of me doesn't want to hurt him either. But then a part of me wants him to know what he did was wrong and how his actions really caused a lot of harm to me. I just don't know what to do, maybe that is why I am writing here to get some opinions on this.

[Perna]

Presumably they aren't going to tell you the details so your imagining how he will react and what he'll say and how it will go down is your anxiety and "you" thinking about it rather than what will happen (since it is in the future anyway). You might feel a certain way if someone confronted you or if you had to confront someone, etc.

I presume you don't see this guy anymore, ever? I would just let the new T's do whatever and discuss with him whatever and consider it "none of my business" as you aren't part of the conversation so can only imagine stuff yourself. I can imagine how it would be difficult to think about and how its reminding you of unpleasant memories, etc. is hard. I had a senior group T confront my T while I was still seeing him and what was good about that for me was I focused on the fact that my group T was caring for me and looking out for me and truly helping! See if you can focus on the good things there might be in his being confronted instead of about him and what he might go through since you won't really know that firsthand. Stay with "yourself" in other words, and what is good for you.

[Mike_J]

wow, I really wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

Perna,

I do still see him in public fairly regularly at my school gym, (I am 40yr. old college student) and I keep crossing paths with him other places. (plus I am going into the same field) I know how he will respond because I do really know him personally outside of the office, was with him in therapy for 2 1/2 years, but yet only the first 6-8months were professional. I saw him at this other gym 2-3 times a week during this time. But I know him from his very excessive personal disclosure.

Plus another one of my T's (the 2nd one) tried to talk to him about this, and he was extremely defensive and said things about me that my T#2 at the time wouldn't tell me in order to protect me. I had to quit that T because of his health problems. And now I am with my current T #3 for over a year. It has been over 2 1/2 years since I fired that first T, but yet I still feel very hurt.

I know you probably don't know the whole story, but I don't understand what you mean that this shouldn't concern me. They are doing this for me, because I doubt I will go through with the APA complaint I have started over 2 yrs. ago. (the next stage I would have to meet with a group of psychologists and my old T to discuss what happened) They are doing it in part for me to have some closure about him knowing how his actions hurt me and having these T's stand up for me. (being heard) I do want to know what he says. (at least part of it)

Thanks Mike,

Just showing your support means a lot.

[Mike_J]

Like you experince on the bridge, I almost killed myself on an impulse. It's very hard to talk about, heck it's hard for me to think about, how close I came. I'm glad you didn't do it. I keep thinking about some of the things my therapist has said to me, about how she would never violate my trust or her position, for a long time I thought she was being a bit overly, well overly something, about it. But after reading some of things people her have written (yours included) I see how easy it would be for a therapist to abuse their position, and how much it would hurt a paitent down the line. I'm so sorry this happend to you, I hope that he gets punished and can never hurt anyone else again, but more than that I hope you can heal.....

((((((((((exotic))))))))))

i have no idea how this should all be handled but wanted to let you know i care and am thinking of you.

exoticflower

i know there is no easy answer to this...

you guys have history..good and bad...

i could be wrong and probably am...

he's going to continue to be a thorn in your side..no matter what...if you don't file a complaint, if you do..either way. obviously this guy isn't quite right. he is pushing boundaries and knows how to play you.

he knows you alone will not file a complaint so he feels free to continue to harass you in ways that seem fairly harmless.."what did i do? use a gym? waht's wrong with that?" to someone who doesn't know the whole story you will look like the "odd" person for complaining about him.

here is what i think...(and like i said..i may be totally wrong..& feel free to say so) you have a few choices...none of them easy or right...file a complaint on him and let him reputation be damned or forget about him.

yes you had a relationship and he meant something to you. i realize that...but..he hurt you..and damaged you and years later you are still suffering...so maybe the positive wasn't all that positive..

my t damaged me too..she knows a hell of alot about me..i could so file a complaint..but i have chosen not to..not because i am afraid but because at this point in my life i have opted not too. perhaps a few yrs from now i will when i feel stronger, but for now, no. when my time is right i will. we did not have an affair but she sexually abused and emotionally abused me.

at some point healing is important...so either letting go or fixing it comes into play i would think. if this guy lives in your community you have to make peace with yourself..you will still have contact with him regardless of whether you want to see him or not..it is up to you then of how you want to handle it internally. do you wqnt to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up every time you see him (especially if you continue to attend college and he is there?)

i don't mean to sound harsh..you know i am a supporter..but at some point i just think there needs to be a decision one way or another...you can't live your life thru a fear of him or in fear of the damage he has done...you worked hard, and recognized the damage he has caused, now let it go...if he want's to be a jack *** about it well then he deserve's everything he has coming for it.

some people enjoy ruining other people's lives..they get off on it..the power does things for them..obviously this guy is one of them..and he still has a hold on you...let go of his hand...

you were strong when you made your speech..you stood up and railed for what was right for your brother and other children..now do what is right for you. it won't be easy...let this guy go, it's your past,.

yeah he is in your field..so what..we all make enemies in our field of employment..again so what..someone says something..you say...he has improper boundaries...check his background...hell maybe he won't even have a license by then...i doubt you were his 1st...anyway..its a he said/she said. people listen to what they want to hear. regardless.

do it for yourself..for your self worth.

stumpy

Stumpy,

I want to let go of his hand so badly, but he is inside of me and I can't get him out. I don't know how, honestly I have tried so hard. I know what you are saying though and I know you are being supportive, I can feel that and I am so glad you posted.

I know you know that strength, that it takes to speak out and I still have that somewhere. Doing that speech, has given me the confidence of talking in front of people and making a difference. I think having this T talk to him (who understand spiritual bonds at least mine) and who is of equal power as him, will help get that message across to him. (even if he doesn't or can't look at himself and his actions objectively) If I do continue with the APA thing, I have to do it within a few months. With the APA non members, you have 3 years from the time of your last appointment to file. Mine would be in July of this year, but you have to start before that date and have enough time for the complaint to be processed.

And that part of what you wrote about him saying, WHAT DID I DO??? That sounds so like him, in fact he has said that same comment to others in his life. He told me of the time in HS when he played basketball and he was really good, but his team was losing their games. He said to some of the other members, it was because of the older members of the team not being able to play basketball. Well it got back to the other players and they confronted him about it. and he told me he said, "what, what did I do?" Then they told him and he sheepishly said, yeah, I did say that. Then they went off to settle it with a fist fight. The guy hit him first in the head (might explain some things) and he hit the other guy in the nose and made it bloody. My old T said he didn't believe in violence, but at least he didn't lose that fight. Sorry that got long, but your comment just reminded me of that conversation and you nailed it on what he would say or think. lol

I am working on this Stumpy and have been. I think that my T is learning more of the whole story of what happened and they are infuriated with him about it. They are now understanding on how I am having trouble letting go of my hurt and anger. I told her 2 sessions ago, that what he did to me hurts worse than anyone, even my mom did to me growing up. It has turned out to be my biggest trauma issue to work on.

Thanks Bloom for caring about me, it means a lot. It is okay not to know, heck I don't even know what to do. Hugs still counts bunches!

Thanks again Mike,

It was weird, I have never got that kind of impulsive thought before of just doing something like that. It is rather scary, but I did talk to my T about it. I don't think I would ever do that, that is why it was so scary that I had that thought.

Yeah, feel lucky for those rules your T has, it protects the both of you. I wish my first T was like yours.

[winterbaby]

Hello Exoticflower, don't post much here but I have caught a few of your threads. What I read and feel from your words now and other threads is that you are hurt. I think some part of you still ??loves??? him or has feelings for him if I can guess at that. You mention a spiritual connection so maybe that is it. It is hard to let go of someone who has hurt you and especially someone you had feelings for. Even if they have been abusive. The only thing I can say from personal experience is that it takes a conscious effort to let go. Engaging in the APA process might drag out the pain in some ways. NOT that it isn't a good thing to do in most cases but you might have to count the cost to yourself if you do that. Is it worth it. Also having this group of Ts talk to him, I don't know. What do you hope to accomplish? What is your goal? Put yourself first for a minute and ask yourself. WHAT it is that would make you, have totally 100% closure on this. If nothing you can think of would help, then you might have to work on letting go emotionally, despite what he has hurt you, maybe that is not the real issue here first. It's like a divorce in a sense. You are hurt, he did things badly but you still have feelings for him. How to ??divorce?? yourself from those feelings? It Takes time. With a clearer mind you can decide what to do. Not an easy process but one that is worth it in the end.

[pachyderm]

My sense is that the old T needs some straightening out, but that that should not be up to you, exotic; it should be up to his peers or equals, especially now that they know about it. But I am not sure how this fits into your situation, whether you need to file a formal complaint to ensure that something gets done about it.

[moonrise]

((((((exotic))))))

What an icky situation. I'm glad your T feels the need to confront him - I seriously hope the licensing board is notified, as well. This guy shouldn't be practicing.

Hi Winterbaby,

You do bring up some good things. I do have some good feelings about him, he did help me and that is why I think I feel protective of him somewhat. But they are mixed feelings because I am also feeling rage about what he did to me and how he took my trust and abused that among other things. It is more complicated that all that, but my feelings are mixed. I think if I didn't feel this spiritual bond, I would have gone through with the APA complaint a long time ago, it is just who I am personally. So the one thing he doesn't believe in (spiritual bonds) is actually saving his butt.

I believe one thing I want to happen is for him to realize is how his actions affected me. During therapy with him, I tried to talk about some of his actions but he refused to discuss it, it was like he silenced me. I tried many times. At one point I told him to quick acting like my friend if we can't ever be. He would cool it for a few session and go back to his old ways. I am talking how he socialized our therapy sessions, it was never about therapy. A lot of times it was him venting about HIS stuff or talking about philosophy or showing me his building's history. For me it isn't so much of wanting to know why he did what he did, but I want him to know how I feel about it.

I know I need to let go and with therapy I am slowly doing that. I think my T and her old supervisor wants me to have some kind of closure of being able to have his unethical actions held accountable-whether through the APA or through this T who is respected by him and who have known each other for a long time. She is also not a close friend to him, like my 2nd T was. She want him to get some help if he hasn't. I think she may also have a responsibility to do this (by the APA) now that she knows more of the story, the stuff that is clearly unethical that he did.
But whatever happens, my own T is there for me she said, she is on my side of things and will support me in whatever I decide. I believe her.

Hi Pachyderm,

You are right, they are thinking he does need some straightening out. They aren't expecting me to do it, and I don't feel I can anyway. I emailed my T about my concerns and she wrote back to me saying that they will be talking about it (actually as I am typing this) My T says this T will be more equal to power in a sense and has a way to talk to him. She is not only concerned about what he did to me, but for his future clients as well. I started the complaint already, but I have to ask myself if I can go through it all. It is a huge emotional investment and I am not sure if it is beneficial to me personally. I am still thinking about it though.
Thanks!

Thanks Moonrise,

It is icky, I couldn't get to sleep last night, and when I did, I keep waking up. I haven't felt this level of anxiety for a long time. I think as much as I don't feel like it, I think I need to get outside and go for a walk or go to the gym and exercise. I have been sick since Sat. with a kidney infection and so I haven't worked out in a week. I think it will help with this somewhat.