called my T (trigger SI mentioned)

Trigger Warning SI mentioned
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I called my T and asked her to call me back. I feel bad about calling her and interrupting her weekend. I feel that I don't deserve her attention or caring. But I really want to hurt myself. I promised myself I wont do anything until after I talk to her (which hopefully at that point I will be calmer and so will not feel like I need to). I feel bad about getting mad at my T before our last session. I'm scared she is angry with me. That she doesn't/wont like me any more, though I feel presumptuous for assuming that she liked me in the first place. Even though I know that my last two Ts liked me. I feel like I deserve to be punished for being angry at her. But it doesn't make sense because I know that she wouldn't think that I deserve to be punished. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm just looking for a reason to do it. Looking for a reason that can justify my doing it. I don't think I've ever done that before. I think that scares me more. That I would be looking for a reason to make it okay. I hope that she calls back soon. I feel very alone right now. I might take a nap or continue working on my homework until she calls.

((((googley)))) I know that feeling of waiting for T to call back. You're doing great so far! Keep breathing, keep telling yourself to not do anything until you talk to her.

googley, you are important. You deserve your T's attention and help when you need it. She wants to help you at times like this.

I also know the feeling of thinking I'm just looking for an excuse to SI, or looking for T to tell me something I already know. Don't worry so much about what you're thinking right now, don't get too caught up in those loops of thought. Distraction sounds like a good plan.

Please be safe

I am so glad you're posting here, Googley...and that you reached out to your T. I can soooo relate to almost all of what you're feeling. It all has to mean something, especially when others can relate. I wish I knew. *sigh*

Please keep posting. Whatever you're feeling, get it out here....and keep yourself busy....I am hoping T calls you back soon so you can get your feelings out and work through them....

Hi (((((((((((Googley))))))))))))))))

Did you hear from T? How are you doing??

((((((( big safe googley hugs )))))))))
It is always hard when we think we are asking too much from T.
But the fact is that they want us to rely on them when we need them.
today you need your T and I do hope thatyour T calls you back. But I am certain that your T will do what is right to make sure you are ok as soon as T can do that. Sometimes they do go on hikes and might not be in cell coverage :-)

Bottom line is that you are healing and doing what you need to do. Please do not feel guilty one little bit. Even for what happened with T. That is a part of your internal growth. When a baby is learning to walk, do we get mad at them if they fall down a few times? NOPE! Be gentle with that wonderful self of yours. You are very much loved here on PC and I am certain by your T as well !!!!

My T hasn't called back yet. I'm sure she will. Last time (the only other time) I called her she didn't call back to the evening and it was also a weekend. I just ate dinner and am now watching TV. I'm feeling a little better. I'm just worried that it will come back really strong again. Thank you all for your support. It really helps to come here and read all your replies of support while I am waiting.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better.....

(((((((((((Googley)))))))))))
Keep us posted, ok?
We are here for you.

((((( more safe googley hugs!!! )))))) SOOOOO glad you are feeling better! Nice job taking care of YOU for us ! :-)

My T hasn't called yet. I'm starting to get worried that she isn't going to call me back. I'm feeling like she really doesn't like me. Maybe she just wants to get rid of me. I feel like I shouldn't have told her I was mad at her and shouldn't have called her.

(((( BIG HUGS ))))

It sucks when the worrying starts while waiting for a return call from T....That's why I try not to ever call, cuz I find myself waiting on pins and needles until the call is returned. Ugh. Even when I send T an e-mail, it's torture waiting for a response.

I'm sorry...Considering it's the weekend, maybe she hasn't checked her messages yet...Hang in there.... Easier said than done, I know. ((( HUGS )))

But googley -- aren't thoughts like that part of what you're in therapy to work on? Believing them and acting on them is about the last thing you want to be doing. What I recommend is: keep taking care of business, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watch the thoughts go by.

If a thought happens by that you find especially bothersome, don't get into a fight with it. Invite it in for coffee, sit it down, and ask it point blank:


Somewhat along those same lines, here's a Zen story for you, if only to keep you entertained while you're waiting for your T to call you.

Now it is too late for me to expect a phone call. I'm on the same time as PC so it is late. I'm disappointed. It was easier to say not to do anything stupid when I expected her to call back today. Now I'm not sure if she is going to call back at all, ever. I'm feeling that I want to skip my next session and maybe not make any new ones. Why go if she doesn't care? I don't know why I care. I feel like I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to stop it. I can't seem to think that anything matters anymore.

((((googley))))
if it helps at all, I go through pretty much the same thought process every time my T doesn't call me back. I figure it means she doesn't care, so I'm going to skip my next session, and while I'm at it I'll just quit going all together.

Then what happens is she will call me back the next day and usually has a really good reason that she wasn't able to call me back sooner, and I realize I was torturing myself with thoughts that she didn't care and I had to quit therapy and OMG I'm all alone, what will I do without therapy, how will I ever get better, etc etc, for no reason.

So, don't do that to yourself, ok? Try not to overthink it. Your T cares about you. It's OK for you to need her. It's OK for you to have gotten angry with her, and it's great that you were able to tell her about that. Everything will be ok with you and T.

(((( BIG HUGS ))))

I am feeling the exact same way - about wanting to skip my next session or just never go back. It's just too hard feeling this way, you know?

Hang in there, and I will too, ok?

I just sent my T an e-mail letting him know how I was feeling, and I am dreading the wait for a response....UGH. Now I wish I never sent the e-mail...but I know it'll be for the best, whatever happens, because I was being honest and "in the moment"....

Why o' why haven't you called back? I can't get myself to call back and ask again. I'm going out with friends to a movie I don't really want to see just so I am around other people. I haven't been able to get my important homework done.

I really need to talk to someone. Does anyone know if you can call those suicide crisis lines if you don't want to kill yourself? Will they still talk to you? I'm scared they would send someone after me. I looked on line and couldn't find the answer to this question. Anyone know the answer?

Call you t back again. That's what she's there for.

((((((((((googley))))))))))))

I don't know the answer It's something I wonder about too and it makes me scared to call crisis lines. Hopefully someone here will know the answer.

Googley - it's the weekend. Do you think your T might be out of town? My T has started telling me when he's going to be gone all weekend, so I know if I e-mail or call he won't be back in touch until Monday. Before he did that, if I contacted him on the weekend and didn't hear back, I would TOTALLY spiral out....he hated me, he was avoiding me, something terrible had happened to him, something terrible had happened to someone in his family, etc., etc. It was scary, and really, kind of understandable. I had contacted him because I was vulnerable, it was a scary thing to do in the first place, and not hearing back just felt weird and scary.

But of course, none of those things were true. T loves me. He is okay. His family is okay. When he doesn't return my call/e-mail, it's because he hasn't received it and/or he just can't call/e-mail right now. That's IT. I actually just got on to PC because I am waiting (anxiously) for an e-mail from T, so I know how hard it is. But you and I BOTH need to try to not write big stories in our head about what our T's are thinking. Even though it's hard!

This is probably just like the misunderstanding about her keeping the paper. Our fears can FEEL really real, but that doesn't mean they are real.

SO many hugs to you, sweet googley! I am so so so sorry you are having such a hard weekend.

Googley,
I have called a crisis line number. I called because I had just SI'd BAD and it really scared me how bad it was.
I told them I wanted to do it again but worse.
She talked to me but didn't send someone to my house or anything.

I actually got upset at something she said and hung up on her. I was so afraid there would be cop cars at my house if they could somehow trace my phone number. But no one ever came.

Please call if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe, ok?

((((( googley ))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting....I'm so glad you've made plans to go out.

They say it's the best thing you can do, to do something - anything - to occupy yourself...

I was in that mode of shutting myself off from the world all weekend and was spiraling....I then had an opportunity today to do something for a few hours, and I did....it wasn't fun, but it got me out of the house and distracted me for a while. Of course, coming home is a downer, but at least I had a few hours of my mind being occupied in a different/better way.

((( HUGS )))

My T finally called back. Apparently she just didn't check her messages this weekend. She apologized and said she was glad I picked up. (I was tempted not to.) She said she needs to get better at checking her messages. (You think?!) We scheduled a time tomorrow evening to talk. After I picked up I was feeling very resistant to talking to her tonight anyway, so I don't know if I would have been able to get out what I needed to anyway. I really need to get a lot of homework done tomorrow so I cannot continue to feel this way as it destroys my concentration. The other interesting thing about it was that she totally avoided using phrases related to self injury at all. She asked if I had needed to go to the ER or if I made it through the weekend okay. But seemed to avoid asking specific questions about it. It made it an awkward conversation in a way. Like she wasn't comfortable confronting it head on. Instead she needed to use euphemisms. I feel so emotionally drained from our two minute conversation scheduling a time to talk. And I'm so scared. I'm scared that she is going to be mad at me, mad at me for feeling this way. Part of me knows that isn't true (probably the same part that is keeping me from doing anything,) but it seems to be losing the belief battle.

hey hey googley, slow down for a second.

she might be in the middle of something important or at a kid's play or something. did you talk about SI in your message? if you told you you were "unsafe" and she hasn't called then there is probably a really good reason... it's part of their job and lifestyle to make sure that you are safe. and if you arent and you tell them, they should get back to you ASAP.

if you are still feeling bad you can PM me and vent... anytime. i know exactly what you are feeling and i am so sorry that you have to go through this right now.

keep us all updated.

and good, you should've told her you were mad. you were being honest.

Do you have an appointment scheduled? It sounds like this will be an important thing to discuss next time you see her!

No, she just forgot to check her messages over the weekend.

I have a time scheduled this evening to talk to her for a couple of minutes on the phone (she finally got back to me yesterday evening). Then my usual session on Thursday.

I hate this all, it seems like such a mess right now.

((((((((((((((Googley)))))))))))))