My T and me have been working on the old issue of my old T who was unethical with me. We did some EMDR on my anger and the thoughts and clarity of things that surfaced from that situation, really makes me feel creeped out.

I have over the last couple of years really only talked about the stuff that was clearly past the boundaries. the stuff that hurt me the most. But now I have been talking more about the relationship, things that didn't really bother me that much. But my T is showing me that some of this stuff, that felt good to me, was not all that ethical either. It went past boundaries. But now when I look at the things he did that I thought he was just being nice, it seems like he was manipulating me emotionally. I was well aware of him gradually trying to become sexual with me, but I didn't see the emotional component that started happening way before the sexual stuff.
It makes me feel dirty.
For instance he told me that he knew me better than anyone else. Even though my husband and I were having problems, it didn't mean he knew me better than my husband. He told me I was a lot like him, opaque with showing emotions. He said I was odd just like him. He told me I need to find a boy toy to make my husband jealous so he would have sex with me. He told me finding a married man would be someone better to have an affair with since we would both have someone we would have to go home to and not have one person on the sidelines alone wanting more. It goes on and on.

There is so much more to this than I thought. Now I am talking about all the relationship that happened and my T is horrified. I never talked about some of it because to me he was just being nice to me. But when one would look at the whole picture, it is easy to see I was being manipulated emotionally too. It is like too much reality for me to take in right now, I just want to hide away in a cave.

What is hard to accept is that I was so naive and stupid to not see his behavior for what he was trying to do. I do want to not believe what I am thinking right now about him, was he really that much of a creep?

[perpetuallysad]

I have not been in your situation, so I can only see from the outside. But you were the one who came to him for help. Your relationship was naturally one where you were vulnerable and he is the one who did things wrong. That is definitely not your fault. We trust our ts so much that they have the ability to do things to us that most other people couldn't. He was wrong, not you.
(((exoticflower)))

[skeksi]

I'm sorry that your former T took such advantage of you. How violating, to turn to someone for help and support and to have them manipulate you in such a way. What a betrayal.

I am glad you have a good, ethical T now who is helping you look at that old relationship. That you were brave enough to take that step is tremendous.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

What is hard to accept is that I was so naive and stupid to not see his behavior for what he was trying to do. I do want to not believe what I am thinking right now about him, was he really that much of a creep?

(((( safe exotic hugs to you! ))))

Please let me be frank with you as I know by reading your replies to others that you do appriciate it... ok.. here it goes....

The reason you have such a hard time "accept is that I was so naive and stupid.." is because it is a LIE. YOU KNOW IT GIRL !!!!

Oh yes. You do. You are in no way, shape, form, or in any parallel universe "naive" OR "stupid" ... And THAT is the truth - bottom line.

And you are smart enough to know it so you can not accept it! That simple.

I am so sorry you were used in this way. We TRUST te relationship with T. We HAVE to do so. That is why we go to a T. We PAY them to be worthy of our trust and to not cause us any harm. It is the same thing as any other medical procedure. We go to a doctor thinking they will either cure what ills us - or they will refer us on to someone who can. NEVER does a person go into a doctor thinking or feeling that they need to "watch out!" because the doctor might just be trying to pull a fast one. If our society worked that way, we would all be in for some serious trouble.

You should not have had to been on the guard against T !!
That is what makes this crime against you one of the very worst.

More safe hugs sister!


oh and as just a sibebar: I don't care WHAT a client could EVER do .... not even if it were to go perch naked on a T's desk and demand to be taken right then and there! NOTHING EVER gives the T an excuse to abuse a client! EVER! There is no action or words or "suggestions" or anything else that makes that "right" in any manner - EVER.

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

I have not been in your situation, so I can only see from the outside. But you were the one who came to him for help. Your relationship was naturally one where you were vulnerable and he is the one who did things wrong. That is definitely not your fault. We trust our ts so much that they have the ability to do things to us that most other people couldn't. He was wrong, not you.
(((exoticflower)))

Thanks Perpetuallysad,

I know intellectually that it wasn't my fault, but somehow I let my defenses not see what he was doing to me, and that is rather disconcerting to me. He got the best of me.

Originally Posted by skeksi

I'm sorry that your former T took such advantage of you. How violating, to turn to someone for help and support and to have them manipulate you in such a way. What a betrayal.

I am glad you have a good, ethical T now who is helping you look at that old relationship. That you were brave enough to take that step is tremendous.

Thanks skeksi,

I think you mentioned betrayal, and that might be what I am feeling. It is just hard to see the stuff that you thought someone was being nice to you only to turn out that they were manipulating you. It feels rather creepy, something my antisocial personality disordered mother would be capable of. I guess I thought he was better than that.

Wpowers,

Your post made me laugh! I think the thing of it is, is that normally I do feel I am not so stupid. But this time he got under my radar and took advantage of me, normally I would have seen this happening to me, but this time I didn't.

The part I am having a hard time accepting is that my old T was really a creep. My current T has worked on me so much for seeing the gray, instead of everything in black and white. The thing is, I think I have been seeing gray too much when it came to my old T. I should see him as the creep that he is.

[WePow]

Exoticflower, that is so totally understandable. We are like that as well. My ex husband was showing signs of abusive behavior while we were "dating" , but I did did not see his true colors until it was almost too late. He almost put me in the ground.
The part of me who is the warrior (Mick) really is beating herself up because of the abuse the ex did to us. You remind me of her in how strong you are and how you fight so hard to stay safe and take care of yourself. My T just adores Mick even though she flat out told him she does not trust him or anyone :-) LOL. I think you are the type of person my T would really enjoy having as a client because of that inner strength you have.

I am sure you will do like my Mick does and continue to give yourself a hard time for a while. But maybe it is just your way of trying to gleen as much learning from the event as you can - so it will never ever happen again - and so you can warn others of any danger signs. What do you think about that?

[chaotic13]

Exotic your post made me think of one of my underlying fears with regard to therapy and redefining my person (often restrictive) boundaries. The have been times over the past year when I've pushed what I thought was a clear boundary only to have it totally dissolve. When this has happened and I realized I was totally free worry would often creep in. I'd often think...with this barrier removed I'm now considering doing things that could really destroy my marriage. IDK it seems like in therapy we are often asked to push through out discomfort, sometimes disregard the inner voices that you formally thought kept you clear of danger, and take leaps. I am so grateful that I seem to have a T with good boundaries. Who encourages me to leap...but to be mindful at the same time. One of my biggest fears is that one day I will do something totally destructive and then look back and see that...my T had played me for a fool, used her knowledge of me and human behavior to manipulate me. I think this is why I often get a queazy stomach when I think about T using the transference thing.

Exotic...I'm sorry your old T abused his skills and I'm sure it does not feel good when you realize that he played you. BUT, I think in the end it will be helpful for you to see clearly that what HE did was wrong. That it was damaging to you. That YES, YOU WERE ABUSED by him and his manipulations. And hopefully you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself. I found a good metaphor that highlights how important it is for us to forgive ourselves. I'll have to type it out and post it.

Originally Posted by wpowers

Exoticflower, that is so totally understandable. We are like that as well. My ex husband was showing signs of abusive behavior while we were "dating" , but I did did not see his true colors until it was almost too late. He almost put me in the ground.
The part of me who is the warrior (Mick) really is beating herself up because of the abuse the ex did to us. You remind me of her in how strong you are and how you fight so hard to stay safe and take care of yourself. My T just adores Mick even though she flat out told him she does not trust him or anyone :-) LOL. I think you are the type of person my T would really enjoy having as a client because of that inner strength you have.

I am sure you will do like my Mick does and continue to give yourself a hard time for a while. But maybe it is just your way of trying to gleen as much learning from the event as you can - so it will never ever happen again - and so you can warn others of any danger signs. What do you think about that?

I think I am speechless... but my tears thank you!

[bluesylady]

Hi exoticflower, your old t certainly sounds like quite a creep to me. I hope you are able to recover and move past all this. Nice that you have a compassionate and caring t to help you out. Good luck on your journey.

Be well and take care,
bl

[BlackCanary]

@exoticflower - please know that you are not the only one thinking this and feeling this, feeling creeped out that someone manipulated you for their own needs and you did not see it, did not stop it.

Like you, I think how could I have been so naive and stupid? I should have known better! My current adult self is starting to realize that I was still pretty young, and I really did not know, and I trusted that person. It has taken a long while, but now I feel bad for her that it happened vs. feeling like I asked for it, wanted it. It revolts me that he did it; makes me angry that he gets away with it. And the resulting decade(s) I did not trust men, and still think of them as stupid, weak, wanting only one thing?

I read a book "Trauma and Recovery" by Dr. Judith Herman. Really helped me to see the path to healing. There are so many of us on this path, really heart breaking.
Good for you, working on your healing.

Thank you bluesylady (love your name !)

I am feeling very relieved I have such an awesome and caring T this time around. It sure makes a huge difference.

Thanks Black Canary,

You sure seem to know what I am feeling since you described it so well. I guess I need to be more kind to myself.

My T I think gave me that book you mentioned to read. I remember just the title freaking me out. I always thought of "abuse" but not "trauma" , this T of mine sure has awakened me up to things. That book is a very good one though, I should read it again.

[NuckingFutz]

This was the ultimate betrayal. I am glad you have a new T to help you through the trauma work. I do hope you got this guy's licence pulled at least. That way no one else has to go through the nightmare that you did.

[skyliner]

I can relate to the part of you that feels the need to protect him. I used to do it, protect my incompetent t's; it's empowering to start protecting ourselfves!