Either struggling or delving deeper

This is about imtimacy, emotional intimacy but just in case intimacy is triggering, I used the icon

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/questions/q_openup.htm

Which says:

I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother. My father was very kind but was hardly around because of work. I am a 28 female and most of my life, and (as I now understand it) I secretly longed for and vigilantly sought after other women with whom I could find a maternal replacement. I’ve always felt guilty about this because I know that my mother did the best she knew how. And as I’m getting older, it seems like I should no longer have such infantile and needy issues, so I’m trying to be independent emotionally. Needless to say, I’ve never had an intimate relationship with anyone.

I’ve been in therapy for a 4 years now. And while it has been tremendously helpful in some areas, this intimacy issue is a constant struggle as I am unable to get into the really tough issues. I desperately want to, but every time I think about it, my anxiety builds up to the point where I feel paralyzed and can’t say anything, so I just don’t even bring it up; although my therapist is aware of the problems. But now it’s gotten to a point where I remain silent for long periods during the sessions, and I leave feeling like a failure for wasting both my and my therapist’s time. My therapist is very good in always asking for feedback on how I fared afterwards in the next session, and then we can continue discussing about the present incident. But after that, I clam up again and the whole thing starts over again.

I’m aware of the fact that feeling my emotions with another person is part of the process in therapy, and I recognize my avoidance in that. But there’s a big difference in understanding the process and going through it. Do you have any suggestions that can help me open up?

First of all, you might want to read the answer I gave to a previous question on this subject, in which I explain “opening up” in general.

Your question, however, touches on some important aspects of emotional openness in psychotherapy.

First, you say that you “should no longer have such infantile and needy issues.” Well, that’s a trap into which many clients fall. But the truth is, if emotional wounds from childhood are not spoken about and healed, they remain sealed in the unconscious like a time capsule and they will cause you problems no matter how old you are. It’s as if a frightened child still lives within you, despite the fact that you are now an adult. The task of psychotherapy is to give that “child” within you—that is, your emotional experiences—the attention and affirmation that you never received from your mother and father.

Moreover, speaking about your mother and father, your current problems do not stem just from your mother’s lack of emotional attention. A father plays a huge symbolic role in childhood development, and, when he is missing, all sorts of emotional and developmental deficits can occur in the child, not the least of which will be anger at the father and anger at all authority in general. Any psychotherapist must be aware of this hidden anger at the father because, if it is ignored, it will cause intense unconscious resistance to the psychotherapy itself. For example, when you “clam up” in psychotherapy you exhibit a resistance to doing the work, and this points to an unconscious anger at your father for his failing to help you when you needed help.

Finally, speaking about the psychotherapist, you also say that “my therapist is aware of the problems.” But it’s really the psychotherapist’s job to help you enter into emotional intimacy. Being “aware” isn’t enough. A psychotherapist has to notice precisely where you pull back and then make an interpretation to help you articulate your inner experiences.

You “clam up” because you’re facing some very unpleasant emotions, and your psychotherapist, like a good father, must have the creativity and confidence to help you raise these feelings into conscious language. So, if you “clam up” and your psychotherapist doesn’t help you do something about it, then he or she is not doing a proper job.

Granted, it can take a lot of training and experience to notice the subtle cues a client gives when avoiding emotions, so if your psychotherapist isn’t up to the job, you might want to find someone who’s better suited to help you. Of course, given your problems with intimacy, you probably feel a certain allegiance to your psychotherapy, even as it is failing you. Remember, that’s how you felt about your mother, right? Instead of speaking the truth about how she failed you, you reject your true feelings and make yourself feel guilty for having those feelings. Now it will be important, in order to put your past to rest and to free your future from inhibition, to desire the courage to face the truth.

The person who wrote could have been me. Older, but me. Much older :/

I realize I am posting this instead of talking about myself. lol Oh well, I think it is helpful to me.

A dream I had has opened up so much. And last session we (tried) to talk about intimacy / emotional imtimacy. I am not even sure I know what it is. It is one of those things I can't see to find words for. It is really hard right now.

oh. my. god.

that first paragraph IS ME. wow. my heart is beating fast.

I don't know if i agree with the unconscious anger at the father = silence in therapy. I don't ever talk about my dad in therapy usually.

But. WOW.

This articvle was so profound to me. It spoke about me, too. Thank you for posting it.

When I was reading it I was almost frightened. I realize that although I am married and have children and friends, exactly what the article talks about, emotional intimacy still remains an issue. I can cover that kind of thing up and pretend my way thorugh it, but I dont feel things the way I know I could. SOmething is blocking me, something is in the way. I dont have a clue how to get to it, either.

And the thing about anger and fathers gave me something to think about. I think I'll print out the article.

interesting stuff - gave me some to think about also, tho i think i also disagree with the father thing too (i dislike generalized statements like that), but maybe it is true - who knows. i do have a lot of anger at mine (as well I should), but I do fairly well with authority, as long as it is just authority.
thanks for the post.

Echoes, very good article. I think sometimes we are being intimate just by the simple fact we go to T each week and talk, but I do know what you are saying. Would have loved to have heard about your dream though and how it helped.

Yes, I love the site, but don't necessarily agree with all that is there. It was just so helpful to me when deciding about entering therapy and learning about types of therapies and therapists. I just so relate to the poster.

Melbadaze, funny that my comment about my dream stirring things up is negative to me, and you are asking how it helped. Funny because the stirring up does help, if I allow myself to see it that way.

I will think about posting the dream and what we have made of it.

You know, I couldn't stop thinking about that article last night! On one hand it makes me feel good that I'm not the only one who feels that way about therapy, about how difficult it is, and on the other hand it is scary because I fight off any sort of fact that I have any "problems."

Echoes, I also had a dream that outlined my fear of reaching out/being vulnerable that I just told my T about last week.

I dreamt that I was living on some sort of farm with all these random people, and I came across an 8 year old boy who had just OD'ed on cocaine and was unconscious. I took him inside and called 911. The dispatcher put me on hold for like 4 minutes, and finally came back and said she talked to the doctor on staff, and the doctor said just to take him to the doctor's office. He'd be fine. I was liek "Ummm he's 8! He was unconscious!" He had came to, but was puking everywhere and blood was in it as well.

So, 911 was useless, and I decided to go get my car and take him to the hospital myself. WHen I came back, the police were there and were doing some sort of tests on him. They decided they didn't need to take his temperature. I KNEW that they were missing something crucial, that he was bleeding into his brain...and that if they took his temp, they would realize how serious it was.

The police were about to leave, saying to take him to the doctor's as well, when he had a seizure and died.

We talked about how that is a metaphor for therapy. That I reached out to all these professionals, and they didn't see how serious and sick he was, and he died. And how I did everything I could, and he still died. lol. SO transparent!

My T asked how I felt telling her that dream, and I kind of thought it was an odd question, but I said it was fine.

I thought about it later, and while it was fine talking about it with her, I couldn't take it any deeper than just "reporting" the details of the dream with her, and kind of talking about how it is a metaphor for therapy. I couldn't really talk about how scary it is for me to reach out...because what if I do and it doesn't work anyway?

This was an interesting article. I know I clam up, I know I have some anger pent up inside..related to my father.But I'm not sure about the part where the author mentions sticking with my T because of my relationship with my mother.

Great article. Thanks Echoes. I love discussing dreams with T and comparing our analyses.

All you can do, in therapy or out, is start from where you are and notice what's there for you. That often starts with noticing that you think something should or could be there, being willing to let that thought go, and noticing what's up for you next.

Blue, if "something" is blocking you, notice where it's located for you and how you tell it's actually there.

You can clear a "something" out of your way either by noticing carefully what it looks like, feels like, sounds like, and how you experience it -- or by recognizing that it's just a thought you're having, that it exists only because you're thinking it, and that it's only in your way as long as you're putting it there.

Maybe some clients find interpretations like that doc's useful --

... when you “clam up” in psychotherapy you exhibit a resistance to doing the work, and this points to an unconscious anger at your father for his failing to help you when you needed help.

I've often caught myself thinking I "should" (find them useful) and there's something wrong with me if I don't, but in fact I don't think I ever have. My parents were the way they were and I reacted to them however I did. That was then. If I clam up or I don't, I experience intimacy or I don't, that's now, and the only way I've ever found to deal with it is to start from exactly where I am, notice what I'm choosing, and just keep telling the truth about it.

Your mileage may vary but I'll be surprised if it does and I hope you'll tell me about it.

Just do it!!!! You have to work through this and there is no substitute other than forcing yourself to do it.

Maybe it my new meds or something, but I dont understand

I dont know what blocks me in general, but maybe I can narrow it down to specific instances when I feel unworthy/un-intimate. Is that what you mean?

Thanks for the feedback, Blue. I never know who's going to understand what until I actually run it by them and they say something.

Yes, all you really have to work with is specific instances -- and the only way to tell how you're doing is by how the next specific instance goes.

If you look really closely at a specific instance that you're accustomed to calling one thing -- unworthy, un-intimate, or whatever -- it no longer looks the same and you may have to come up with some different words for it.

ECHOES' title for this thread sounds like an example of that: when you're looking closely at your experience of what you're doing, it starts to look different ways to you -- like either struggling or delving deeper, for instance. When that happens to me, it says I'm on the right track.

Checking to see if my photo shows up....Sharon

While I agree that you DO have to force yourself just to do it, it is SO hard. My T keeps saying that until the fear is less than the need to get over it, I won't do anything about it.

Velcro, it is very hard. I have done things shaking and crying before. A few times my face was completely white because all the blood was drained out of it. Every time I realized that the anticipation was much worse than the actual thing that I feared. I also think that by not facing your fears, you make it much worse. I don't think that the fear ever gets less unless you face it and then the fear disappears......