Thinking about shame seems unbearable

I'm never posted a trigger warning before, but I have to because stuff is coming up for me. Not new stuff, but old stuff that I told my other Ts. To do with sexual feelings in therapy. This is the worst shame for me, and I have to talk about it. I'm not gay or bisexual; it doesn't have to do with wanting sex with Ts. But, thinking about the child parts and what they want from therapy always has to do with sex, and that leads to shame.

I can't wait to know kt better. I already started telling her about the intensity. Maybe I just get intensity and sexuality mixed up, but they seem the same. Therapy becomes erotic, and I don't think I can go through that again.

I hear you rainbow, and I have felt that same way regarding therapy and it becoming erotic. I don't feel so much shame about it though. I know that it is pretty common in therapy so I'm sure your new T will understand and be able to help you.

Tay, thank you for replying. I was regretting this thread but you made me feel better. It seems more okay to have that happen if your T is the opposite sex. It doesn't seem okay for me at all! It seems very shameful, but to me, everything about my body at times feels shameful. I can't handle this going on for me, but I have to.

why is it 'more okay' if your T is the opposite sex? i thought all form of attraction were equally okay?

I don't have trouble with my therapy session becoming erotic....although sometimes they cause a similar adrenaline rush, which sets off my internal alarm, which then causes me to withdraw from whatever topic triggered it. I will say though that I am starting to separate and differenciate the different types of arousal. For a long time any adrenaline rush was immediately interpreted by me as sexual...but that's not true for me anymore. The child and teen parts of me have some pretty distorted thoughts about sex and their noise gets intense when my flight-fight response is activated. The shame associated with these thoughts and trying to talk about them in therapy is very tough to manage.

(((rainbow))) , very challenging to discuss.

Deli, I agree all forms of attraction are equally OK. Unfortunately, I've only been able to internalize this belief as it applies to others. For me this is just another one of those areas were I judge myself differently and more harshly than I would ever consider judging someone else.

(((((Rainbow)))))

I think it's very important to remember that sexual feelings in therapy are likely representative of a need and can be symbolic. Having these types of feelings may mean intense desires for closeness or nurturing and might in fact have nothing to do with anything sexual. Sometimes deeper feelings manifest themselves in ways that we are familiar with and accustomed to expressing. Rather than punishing yourself by taking these feelings literally, be gentle with yourself while identifying exactly what the feelings are trying to tell you. No feelings are ever wrong, Rainbow. They just are. They are informative. Learning truths about yourself can only be healing, don't you think?

Deli, I meant FOR ME, it's not acceptable to feel anything sexual in therapy even if it's not about my T. If my T were a man, I could rationalize that it was normal because he's a man and I'm a woman. If I were gay, I could say the same thing. But it is beyond my scope of acceptance to have this happen when I'm with a woman. I just feel shame about it. I did talk about this with my other Ts, but I still feel the shame. I know it's something to work on in therapy. I think posting here is a test to see how it will be in therapy.

Brightheart, it's so; nice to see you here in my thread!! But it's not feelings; it's physical. I have to go somewhere; more later.

rainbow, feelings certainly can manifest themselves physically, especially when your mind doesnt know what to do with the feelings, like brightheart said. i am not dealing with sexual feelings in therapy right now, but just this past week I was sitting with very uncomfortable/tough feelings and it manifested in my body and head just becoming EXHAUSTED. You know that feeling right before you fall asleep? Where your body is really, really heavy and it feels like it will take more energy than you have to move it? That came over me during therapy this week.

She said that becoming tired/sleeping is a coping mechanism when I am overwhelmed..maybe it is something like that for you?

It means a lot to get replies, and that you don't think I'm weird.
chaotic-interesting about adrenaline. It could be an adrenaline rush which would be more acceptable to me. I will have to look that up online because I don't know much about it. I always thought sex was sex!

Brightheart, you could be an IFS therapist! I'm sure my T will tell me to have compassion for the parts that feel like they do. I do know that it's more to do with a desire for connection and nurturing than for sex. But those needs manifest themselves in a physical way. I don't know how to write that. I want to say "it's not my fault." I know I have a lot of twisted thinking about this stuff. I don't want to think about it too much though because it's all yucky stuff to me. Child and baby stuff that doesn't want to get acknowledged, let alone discussed in therapy!

velcro-interesting. I do see how my mind doesn't know what to do with the feelings, so my body reacts the only way it knows how. Which makes me feel ashamed all over again, but less so since I seem to be surviving this thread without dying. I'm half joking, half serious.

Do you guys really think I should tell all of this to my T?

of course

Rainbow, I suspect these common feelings towards therapist, male or female are connected to unresolved oedipus complex with the mother.

Rainbow, I admire you so much for being able to have the courage to post this thread. Seriously.

And I agree that it's quite common and has more meaning than what's on the surface. It would be worthwhile to explore this with T, but I know how incredibly hard that would be to do.

You are so brave.....

mixed_up: I think I was more desperate than brave, but thank you! I HAVE to explore it with T. I am so scared for tomorrow's session. I feel like I want to tell her something I told my first T, something along the lines of what I'm saying in this thread, but my words are SO shameful to me. I don't know if it will help to say them or not.

I feel like there is some HUGE issue here, and if I am totally honest it will help me. But I don't know if I can talk about it or not. I'm scared! I don't know my T well enough, but I can't go another week holding this in. That I know for sure.

Oh, Rainbow, I know where you're coming from. I never had the courage to tell my old T about my feelings. But in another thread I spoke about a recent dream I had where I was 'intimate' with my current T. I managed to talk with her about it, and that really made me feel less shameful. Perhaps by talking with your T, you might feel a similar relief?

((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))

I think that even when it's so hard and so embarrassing, it's always better to just tell. Things can get SO big in my head...with no beginning and no ending and no boundaries, and they just go around and around and around and nothing gets resolved. When I bring things into the light - even shameful things - it kind of gives them definition, and makes them something T and I can work on. It gives them a beginning and and end, and it brings them down to size.

Good luck with T, Rainbow

(((((((Rainbow)))))))

Yes, you ARE brave!! If you have the courage to bring this up with your t, what you find out will most likely be helpful to many here on the board! If you feel too ashamed to say the words, how about writing it down and handing her the piece of paper? You could even ask her if she would be willing to turn her back to you and read it and not look at you. I did that once with my t.

Try not to be scared. These t's have heard it all.

What time is your appt?

I'll be thinking of you.

moonrise: yes, I think I will feel relief after I tell her. At least I hope so.

tree: Thank you for being here for me when you are struggling so hard yourself. I've already told her the general idea, but not specifics. I hope I can because it's bothering me too much.

peaches: My appointment is in about 5 hours! I have an upset stomach, partly from nerves I know. I could write it down. The words are "baby words", not to do with the subject, and I did tell a T in the past, and she made me feel ashamed--not the T I just had, a different one. She told me very few people would tell their Ts what I did. Bt, the one you know about, thought it was okay. Maybe it's not important... I don't know....or maybe it is. Sorry to be so vague. It's not such a big deal.