[zooropa]

you can read more about it in my other thread here but basically I haven't slept since Sun night/Mon morning and I have been calling ALLL my mental health care providers and gotten nowhere. Nobody will even return my calls. It's ridculous.

I'm just done. If I can wean myself off my 2 antidepressants then I won't have to deal with the med dept at all anymore and the issue between me and my pnp will go away.

As for my T? I don't know. The other people ignoring me makes me mad , T ignoring me hurts. I think I just really need to step back and take some inventory of my emotional life and figure out who is helping me and who is causing me more emotional suffering.

So my plan is to start weaning off one of the meds, and then when I'm off it completely I'll do the same with the 2nd one.

I'm not going to group on Sat and I don't know if I'll go to my regular session with T on Mon or not. I just need to have people around me that I can count on and I will always doubt, with T, if she's just busy or distracted or whether it's something like "this is a DBT protocol" or even deeper like "she doesn't like me" (mother issues)

All I know is everyone, EVERYONE who is supposed to help me has let me down this week and I have to get to a point where I'm standing on my own so this doesn't happen again.

[Snakebit]

Oh, zoopora, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wish there was something I could do.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Zoopora. Will some hugs help a little, at least?

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you didn't hear back from anyone today. I can't imagine how frustrated you are, and compounded by the lack of sleep it must feel pretty unbearable. Ugh!

I do have one thought about T. I'm not making excuses for her...but I am wondering, do you think she has something going on in her life that is distracting her? I guess I'm remembering a couple of weeks ago when she said she's "not good at compartmentalizing". It made me think she has something going on in her life. I know that my T, who I think is so wonderful in general, has REALLY dropped the ball at a couple of key moments because his own life was crazy. Not moments like "hey, I need to touch base, can you e-mail me", but moments like "I've never felt this bad and I don't know what I'll do if someone doesn't help me". It SUCKED that he dropped the ball, and it was really hard to work through it with him, but it was worth it. We already had enough of a relationship established (like you and your T) that I didn't want to throw it all away and start over with someone else...and I didn't know if I COULD go back to doing it "on my own" at that point.

Another thought I had is this...have you talked to T about seeing her twice a week instead of once? Do you know if that is a possibility? I did not do well AT ALL seeing T once a week...twice a week works a lot better for me, because no matter how hard things are, it's not *too* long before I can see T again.

If none of this is what you need to hear right now, just ignore me, for real. I don't know why I'm jumping into "problem solving" mode. I guess because I care about you and I'm worried about you, and no matter HOW crappy everyone is being right now, I really don't want you to cut yourself off from all of your support.

Is there a middle ground? Between "these people are great at supporting me" and "I'll do this on my own with no help and no meds". Maybe "this sucks but I'll put up with it because I need what I can get for now, and as soon as I can I'll move to another county where it will be better". I don't know.

I'm SO SORRY, zoo.

[darkrunner]

oh, Zooropa, I am so angry and frustrated for you!

And I feel helpless!
I really really wish there was something I could do to help you.
I feel so letdown for you!

Please try not to make any decisions just yet. You can always decide to go off your meds and quit therapy later.
Keep doing what you're doing - I know it feels crappy - but you ARE coping with all of this.

What a lonely feeling to reach out and get no response....I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I think you need to slow down and not mess with your meds. The crash off meds will just make what is going on even worse. You are acting out of anger and frustration, not out of common sense and not in your own best interests.

I know you are frustrated. Go to the emergency room if that is what you need to do since you aren't getting a response from your providers. If you don't have a car, hail a taxi, call a friend, ask a neighbor, call a church, but don't continue to go without sleep and don't stop your other meds.

[BlueMoon6]

OMG! ((((Zoo)))) I agree with what has been written. Especially going off of your meds. I agree that you could be in worse shape than you are now. It is so frustrating and makes me angry for you that T and everyone else has been impossible to reach and has not bee a support to you the way they are supposed to be.

I agree with Tree about finding a middle ground, not too independent of the support system, yet able to function somewhat if they are not around. I have also had to face the very VERY painful reality that althought I feel quite entitled to the help that I have excruciatingly reached out for, in the end, all I have is myself and my own soul. That might sound harsh or strange, but in the end, we only have ourselves and our Ts may love us, but they dont live in out skin. I hope this makes some kind of sense and I am not making matters worse for you. I have had to look hard at these very same feelings when dt (or anyone) isnt there when I need them to be. In the end, I CAN , and you CAN have theinner strength to take care of Zoo until help comes. To hang on and soothe her, tell her she must take her medication and give her some kind words. I KNOW the feeling so well, "If you dont take care of me, then I'll go ahead and HURT myself and then you'll KNOW you should have taken care of me!" I can do that and then I realize, its me that I want to heal and its only me that I am taking that healing away from.

Im sorry you are going through this Zoo. Please hang on

[NuckingFutz]

Zoo. I am sorry that you did not get any responses back from your support team. I agree the harm you are planning for yourself sounds like you are turning your frustration in on yourself. I would stay on my meds and go to my appointment on Monday and talk to my therapist and tell T When you call, it means you need help...you are not calling to tell her that your goldfish died. Let her know you are serious and expect her to have the same level of commitment to your healing that you do. Anything less is totally unacceptacle.

[zooropa]

thanks so much you guys. I have some things to update you on but I'm really sleepy right now and going to bed and hopefully finally sleep. Just wanted to say a quick thank you SO MUCH for all your support, and I will update in the morning.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Zoo))) See you in the morning...sleep well....

[Kiya]

yes - sleep well! sending you sleep thoughts and good dreams!

[Sannah]

Z, can you tell your T this stuff?

[TayQuincy]

zoo, how are you feeling today?

As far as your T not returning your phone call, I don't understand that. If you are in DBT, they are supposed to be available for coach and counseling on the phone 24/7. Now I know with my T, as good as she is with returning phone calls, she has on occasion not called back. The reason is that she didn't get the message for some reason. She also says to call her secretary and have her paged if it is urgent and i need her in the moment. even then, i should expect up to an hour or two wait in case she is in session or in group. I know how hard it is when no one is there (that has been a huge issue in my life that caused my issues in the first place) I would be angry and hurt too!!!

Having said that, I'm going to suggest something:

Go to group on Saturday
Go to T on Monday
Do not stop any of your meds
Do what is right for you in spite of not getting what you need
practice using DBT skills to the best of your ability
Talk about this with T is session, tell her how you feel
Don't give up! you are worth it!

Please don't allow others' mistakes to get you offtrack. You don't know the reasons why she didn't call. My one couselor never returned my phone call one time and it was three weeks later that she called and aske dme why she hasn't heard from me. I told her that I had called and left a message and she never returned my call. Well, she was horrified and aplogized profusely! She never ggot my message and said that there was another person too whose message went unheard so she was thinking that it was technical problem with the voicemail. She was truly sorry.

(((zoo))))

Zoo,
We care about you here and can try to help!

[Kiya]

i'm concerned... has anyone heard from Zoo today? suddenly zoo is tired and going to sleep.....

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by Kiya

i'm concerned... has anyone heard from Zoo today? suddenly zoo is tired and going to sleep.....

I was thinking the same thing. I'm worried. I hope everything is okay.

[BlueMoon6]

Zoo??? Are you there today? Maybe you will post later this evening? Are you on the west coast so you might post late to us in the east?

I am worried, too.

I got a PM from zoo last night and I know she had plans for an outing sometime today...so hopefully she is out having fun and will be back later to tell us all about it

[googley]

Tree-
Thanks for the update. I was also concerned.

Zoo-
Please tell us how your outing today went. I hope it went well and you were able to get sleep last night and your outing today will lead to sleep tonight.

[Kiya]

wait... "an outing..." an OUTing? ZOO!!!????? this had better not be coded talk.

"i'm done"
"i'm getting sleepy"
all cheery
"an outting"

sometimes i hate internet communications when they are the ONLY form. ZOO????

[zooropa]

you guys, thank you SO MUCH for caring about me and I'm so sorry to worry you. I am torn right now between tears of...joy? for knowing I have made connections here, and feeling horrible for causing you all to worry today.

I spent the day with my daughters today, we went out for lunch and watched Alice In Wonderland, it was a really fun day and such a great distraction from all the crap that's been going on.

I just got in and came here to check in. I love you guys for caring about me. THANK YOU.

I had a major misunderstanding w/my T last night that lead to a hurricane-force emotional storm on my part, lol. I did get a chance to work things out with her last night so I didn't have to sit with those horrible feelings all night, but by the time it was all said and done I was exhausted. Add to that the fact that I hadn't slept for the 3 nights previous, and you can imagine how out of control my emotions were. When I had calmed down I was soooo sleepy and slept all night, finally. FINALLY. phew!

And then I was gone having a mother-daughter day and it was EXACTLY what I needed. A little trip to Wonderland.

I am trying not to make this message too horribly long, but thank you also for all the sound, wise advice about not stopping my meds or quitting T or making ANY major decisions while I was in such a sleep deprived state.

I am going to my group tomorrow, and to see my T on Monday as usual. I'm not going to make any changes to my meds, although I am so frustrated and angry with my pnp that I would still LOVE to quit all my meds so I don't have to deal with her anymore. But I know that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I will just say that when my pnp called me yesterday afternoon and I told her that I hadn't slept for the previous 3 nights her repsonse was "let us know what happens next week". W.T.F.???

So I have to take some action, some MORE action, to get myself some better mental health care. Meanwhile, I'm going to keep things as they are in terms of my meds and therapy and I thank you all again for being such a support to me. It means SO much!

[Snakebit]

[quote=zooropa;1310307]

I will just say that when my pnp called me yesterday afternoon and I told her that I hadn't slept for the previous 3 nights her repsonse was "let us know what happens next week". W.T.F.??? /quote]

WTF is right! Jeepers!

Glad you are doing better and had a good day.

[googley]

I'm glad to hear that you are okay and I'm glad that you had a good day with your daughters! I don't think I could get myself to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie (too scary, not that I really liked the first one).

I agree with you WTF!!!! What kind of care is that? Let them know what happens next week?????? What do they expect you to not sleep until they are back in the office next week, if that were to be the case? UGH. You should definitely complain and get another pnp or pdoc. That is totally uncalled for and an inappropriate response from your pnp. I'm glad that you are going to go to T, and stay on your meds, and you were able to talk it out last night. Please continue to take good care of yourself. I hope you are able to sleep again tonight and all the nights in the future.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and grr on your pnp.
and wtf - we'r going to have to have a PNP thread.....
i talked to my dr (who is moving)'s aide, and she called on my behalf to take on the rx -and found that the comany IS shipping me exactly what I need, in the right dose, and amount. *shock!* Why was this sooooooooooooo flipping difficult for pnp to tell me? She gave me the wrong written out version and would explain nothing. I am still so confused and looks like i will not get closure on this. meh

anyway - Zoo, glad you had a GOOD day and some sleep dispite its cost (from T) and that you got some time with your kids! yay!!